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Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
287025 Posts in 27572 Topics by 3790 Members
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Author Topic: A Little Humor for Parents  (Read 16425 times)
nChrist
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« Reply #15 on: June 11, 2004, 09:18:13 AM »

I don't believe in spanking. I believe in tranquilizer darts.   Grin
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nChrist
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« Reply #16 on: June 11, 2004, 09:19:24 AM »

One of the toughest things about being a parent is having to punish your child for something your parents could never catch you doing.   Grin
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sincereheart
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« Reply #17 on: June 13, 2004, 07:44:58 AM »

Rebuked by her mother for being sullen and grouchy, the teenage daughter responded, "How come when it's me it's temper, and when it's you it's nerves?   Grin

ROFL!
Cause I said so!  Grin
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nChrist
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« Reply #18 on: June 13, 2004, 08:53:25 AM »

 Grin  
Quote
Cause I said so!
 Sincereheart, I think that I've heard that a few times, and I said it, and my daughter is finally saying it. There comes a time when that, "But why???" is deserving of nothing else.   Grin
________________________________________________

An 8-year-old is being punished and sits in the corner of the dining area at a table set especially for her. The rest of the family is ignoring her, until they hear her giving thanks.

She says, "I thank thee, Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of mine enemies."
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nChrist
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« Reply #19 on: June 13, 2004, 08:55:42 AM »

I told my son to bring me my book on "aggressive child behavior." He said, "Make me!"   Grin
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nChrist
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« Reply #20 on: June 13, 2004, 08:57:29 AM »

The first thing a man does when he becomes a father is to change his mind about what he used to think he'd do when he became a father.
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nChrist
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« Reply #21 on: June 13, 2004, 09:00:12 AM »

If I've told the kids once, I've told them a hundred times, "Don't give the dog a bath in the dishwasher!" I have to admit, though, he does come out virtually spotless.
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nChrist
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« Reply #22 on: June 13, 2004, 09:02:19 AM »

I feel sorry for my kid. He's in trouble with his mother again--mostly just for taking after my side of the family.
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nChrist
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« Reply #23 on: June 13, 2004, 09:03:56 AM »

My kids get so dirty. Before they take a bath, we have to pre-soak them.
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nChrist
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« Reply #24 on: June 15, 2004, 07:37:57 AM »

You Know You're A Mom When...

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
 
2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.
 
3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
 
4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
 
5. You child throws up, and you catch it.
 
6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you keep eating.
 
7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
 
8. You mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
 
9. Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, or, better yet, in the lobby of a Grand Central Station... and you do it.

10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

12. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

13. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

14. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

15. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

16. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

17. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

18. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

19. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

20. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

21. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes!"

22. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

23. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is above average.

24. You say at least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
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sincereheart
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« Reply #25 on: June 15, 2004, 07:45:28 AM »

You Know You're A Mom When...

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
 
2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.
 
3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
 
4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
 
5. You child throws up, and you catch it.
 
6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you keep eating.
 
7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
 
8. You mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
 
9. Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, or, better yet, in the lobby of a Grand Central Station... and you do it.

10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

12. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

13. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

14. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

15. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

16. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

17. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

18. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

19. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

20. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

21. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes!"

22. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

23. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is above average.

24. You say at least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Amen! And a DOUBLE Amen for the last one!  Cheesy
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« Reply #26 on: June 20, 2004, 08:20:25 PM »

Quote
1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

...yep, and in front of the kids, so THEY know they're equal  Smiley

Quote
4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone

That one doesn't work.....at least not when there's only one bathroom ("bathroom"....we call it "washroom")

Quote
18. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

Uh huh....kleenex & spit; pre 1980s "wetones"

Gracey
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« Reply #27 on: October 04, 2004, 07:39:50 PM »

I feel sorry for my kid. He's in trouble with his mother again--mostly just for taking after my side of the family.

uh huh  ROFL!  Grin
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nChrist
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« Reply #28 on: October 04, 2004, 07:48:03 PM »

(Real??? - It sounds like some of the parents needed to be in school.   Cheesy)  

Excuses For School............

My son was in need of being shot and I finally had it done.  As a result he is in the hospital, but that is not where they shot him.

Don't let him take P.E., no matter where he takes it or what excuse he gives. I don't want him near a P.E. class, and that no matter what they are doing, when or where, or even if they are not at the time he is there.  Leave him alone.  I hope you clearly understand that this is the message and do not ignore it, as you did before when I didn't write it although I intended to. This time, you won't!

Emily will be absent two Fridays from today for a funeral.  Please excuse her on that day.

Lloyd had two jaws removed from his teeth and the doctor said he should not try chewing anything more serious than apple sauce for a few weeks.

The dentist said Sylvia is suffering from a great deal of lose vices, and she needs to get a little tight to do what needs doing.  We are going to correct her difficulty as quickly as we can find her some newer vices more suited to her age.

Eddie was absent from school yesterday mainly for the simple reason that he was not there.  We know where he was, but we are not sure you do, so hold him excused until we catch him and then we will see you about this.  It could happen that he won't be able to come to school no more.

If Bobbie hadn't done what he did he wouldn't be where he was which is why he isn't where he should be now as a result of yesterday evening.  This could happen again if yesterday evening is repeated.

Louise did not inspire enough and so she almost expired until she retired to the place where she is now, which is why she is not in school, or so I am told as I write this note for your office, so she does not get credit for being where she is not, or whatever it is that gets her into big bad trouble - none of us wants that, so she is excused from it, no matter where she is.  As her parent, I so order it to be considered in this way and that is final.

Fred has athelete's foot, although how he got that, knowing him as I do, is something of a miracle. It is as close as he is apt to come to organized sports.  And I mean this for all his life.  This is the most complete lazy person in our entire family and only the charm he has saves him from both his mother and your office, since we both feel the same way about this affliction.

You probably noticed that Les was not with you yesterday because yesterday was the day that Les was with us, which is why he was not with you.  He was with us because we needed to have him tested. He was tested and he did pass the test although the examiner felt that the results were dubious and suggested that we bring Les in to have him retested for a more objective result.  We feel that the examiner needs to be tested before we have Les retested to see if the test is reliable when it is given by someone like that examiner.  If you did not miss Les yesterday, please ignore this note and act like he was there, although he was not there since he was here, but in the event you didn't notice it then, it is no time now to start taking notes.  Please do advise us about a new examiner since we feel this is a serious test.  Thank you.

Bob is too much for a tree out of which he fell so he won't be taking any of that exercise for awhile with that cast.  Keep him off swings and away from bars.  I mean swinging bars, not those others where he won't go even if we try.

Bobby got hiself fired up burning them leaves and he won't do no more of that.

Louise boils to much, so Dr. Pierce did a lance and much fuse flowed, so she mised speling.  xcuse her.  she come when she can.

Albert was so cold he run high. And the tempatire got too bad an he got sick of fever and so he stay here because he no go.  you understand.

You'd be sick too, if you did what Mike did, so excuse him because it was not his fault.  Don't ever try this yourself, because if you do, you won't like it.

Eddie missed school yesterday because of the trout condition brought on by the sinus leak which unplugged too much and runned all over the place when it did too much, and it sure did that.

Robert told me he had no class and was he wright or wrong?  I think right.

The pony fell on Jim so we had to shot although we didn't want it this way. I guess it was because of the broken leg that this happened.  Jim will be alright after we get the cast off that leg and bury the body so he can be out in the back yard again.  i know you know how these things go and this did.

Marty had too much homework, which cause him to spill his hot soup because he was nervous and upset.  This cause him to stay home.  This cause me to be sick. This cause Marty to return, but he don't get that homework done.  Who is the one sending all this homework?  Wait till I get well and see this person..

The reason Phillip was not in school is that he was not there.  If he had been there, this would not be necessary, but as it is, he wasn't so this is.  I do hope that we can get this cleared up and stop all these notes.

Bens beans cost lose vowels and so he came to often to the place that he didn't get there where he should have.  You not here to miss mess we did not miss. He is still running, but we no sent him to schol like this because the run with his run is to far.  Please exclude him, with my atority.

Georgia got her ear done and it poisoned her and she felt that poison so she not come to school.  This hole cause much upset in the family.  Her lobe is going down and that is the problem.  It is so slow.

Everett ate the cole slaw and it was too much for him.  We was as upset as he was, but he got the better of us and we left him stay, so he is not there when you look yesterday.  today he is.

They was plaing darts and Danny stood there and the doctor said he shold not be in school till the holes heel.  No, not his foot, his arms mainly but some others too.

She took the brain test with no results so we don't think she has it.  But we are keeping her home just to watch.  You really can't tell much from nothing, and so we are sending this with Billy, how to get it to you.

I hate it when John stays home but the doctor insisted that he stay in the hospital which is the reason he is not in school.  He will be, when he is, and it won't be long either.

She has to go to the doctor to get her arches examined. We want her to stand tall, but she slumps.  If she is just slumping to stay out of school, we will know that too. Slumping is no excuse, but right now it is until we find out that it isn't.

The doctor just informed us that some parts are missing in Gaston and we are searching for the right doctor to find them.  Maybe with your experience, you can help us.  If so, please call.

How can you say Tad was late when he never come at all? He did this without us. Today he comes early to make up for it and you decide what to do with him.


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sincereheart
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« Reply #29 on: October 07, 2004, 08:09:59 AM »

POLITICALLY CORRECT SPEAKING

- Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."

- Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

- You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

- No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

- You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

- You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

- It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."

- The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

- Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

- You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

- You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

- You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

- You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
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