Favorite Jokes :)

[Ambassador4Christ]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!!!!!!!!  
 
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the acelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 
 

[JudgeNot]

There you go making fun of the elderly.  

(But I like it.)  

[Symphony]

hehehe.  Funnee, A4C.  


How 'bout this.  Instead of "Deer Crossing",  " Geezer Crossing".


hehe.  

[Left Coast]

OK here's another blond joke:

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

[The Crusader]

Good One Left Coast, LOL

[Left Coast]

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable, especially on a Monday morning. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied about it anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
 
One Sunday morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
 
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
 
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
 
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the reset button.
 
It is the last action I remember performing.
 
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
 
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
 
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ...and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all.
 
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
 
Which it was.
 
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
 
If they only knew.

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Left Coast,

     Thanks, I needed that laugh. Did you let the cat live?

[Left Coast]

If it had happened to me he would have been living somewhere else.

[2nd Timothy]

A good ole boy from Texas died and went to heaven.   St Peter started showing him the sights around heaven.  As he showed him the city, the Texan says, "yeah, we got buildings like that in Texas.  Huge sky scrapers all over the place".  St. Peter then showed him the streets of Gold.  The Texan says, " you should see the highways we have in Texas, super highways, expressways, farm to market...all over the place".  St. Peter was getting a little frustrated at this point.  So he takes the Texan to the edge of heaven and points down at a huge lake of fire, and asks the Texan, "Do you have anything like that in Texas?"  The Texan says "Nope, sure don't, but I got a few ole boys that can help you put that thing out!"  

[Ambassador4Christ]

TEXAS HAS IT ALL

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls
up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in
the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep,
got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes
off. Well, the guy  in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.  

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He
picks up his car and rives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and
he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy >window of the Volkswagen.


 (It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)


The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a
crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"  

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO
TELL ME THAT?!"  

[nChrist]

     Texas - ROFL & can't get up.

Tom

[JudgeNot]

He-he-he!
Kinda like the Alaskan that bragged "We got enought gold to build a solid gold wall 6 foot tall all the way around Texas!"  To which the Texan replied, "You build it, we'll buy "it!

[TigerLily]

Got this in my email. lol thought yous would maybe get a lol outta it!
TL

One of my recollections, from bygone days of yore is the little house,
behind the house, with the crescent o'er the door.


'Twas a place to sit and ponder with your head bowed down so low,
knowing you wouldn't be there, if you didn't have to go.

Ours was a three-holer, with a size for every one. You left there
feeling better after the job was done.

You had to make these frequent trips, whether snow, rain, sleet, or fog,
To the little house where you sat and read the Eatons
catalog.

Oft times, in dead of winter, the seat was white with snow. 'Twas then
with much reluctance to the little house you'd go.

With a swish you'd clear the seat, bend low with shivers in mind, you'd
blink your eyes and grit your teeth as you sat on your
behind.

I recall the day that Granddad, who stayed with us one summer, Made a
trip out to the shanty, which proved to be a hummer.

'Twas the same day Dad had finished painting the kitchen green. He'd
just cleaned up the mess he'd made with rags and
gasoline.

He tossed the rags in the shanty hole and went on his carefree way, Not
knowing that by doing so he would later rue the day.

Now Granddad had an urgent call; I never will forget! This trip he made
to the little house lingers in my memory yet.

He sat down on the shanty seat, with both feet on the floor, then filled
his pipe with tobacco and struck a match on the
outhouse door.

As he took a long puff on his pipe, he slowly raised his behind, tossed
the flaming match in the open hole, with not a worry on
his mind.

The blast that followed, I am sure was heard for miles around; and there
was poor ol' Granddad just sitting on the ground.

The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, his suspenders he held tight;
The celebrated three-holer was blown clear out of sight.

When we asked him what had happened, his reply I'll ne'er forget. Poor
Granddad thought it must have been something he had
et!

Next day we had a new one, which my Dad had built with ease. With a new
sign on the entrance door which read: No
smoking, Please!

Now that's the end of the story, with memories of long ago, of the
little house, behind the house where we went 'cause we had
to go.

[JudgeNot]

Tiger - I KNOW you are a girl - I've seen your picture!  What part of "For Men Only" is unclear???  
Cute poem.
 
My brother, his wife and my niece didn't have indoor plumbing until 1995 - my niece was in high school and they'd been in their 'house' for over ten years before the very first indoor "flush" resounded throughout the woods near Soldotna.  In my sister-in-laws words "It was a glorious day".  

[TigerLily]

lol. sowwy