Favorite Jokes :)

[Brother Love]

WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
 
 

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9
mm bullet fired from my gun."



"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the ticket,
huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh .... did I mention that I
am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat
or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and
step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have
quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets
as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good
personal friend of yours. At least you know someone
who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."

 

[Shammu]

WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
 
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." I can't help but think of sincereheart on this one.

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here." Another one I can't help but think of sincereheart on this one.


I love these Brother Love especally the one I did in bold. Well I have done enought typing for tonight.

[Shylynne]

Two guys were  about how highly their wives
 thought of them.

The first guy said,"My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!"

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm
some kind of God!"

"She thinks you're a God? What makes you say that?"

"Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"

rofl  

[Brother Love]

Two guys were  about how highly their wives
 thought of them.

The first guy said,"My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!"

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm
some kind of God!"

"She thinks you're a God? What makes you say that?"

"Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"

rofl  

LOVE IT ROFLOL

Brother Love


<))><

[sincereheart]

WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
 
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." I can't help but think of sincereheart on this one.

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here." Another one I can't help but think of sincereheart on this one.


I love these Brother Love especally the one I did in bold. Well I have done enought typing for tonight.

         
Soon as I quit laughing, I'm gonna be REALLY mad!  

[sincereheart]

WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
 
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9
mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the ticket,
huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh .... did I mention that I
am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat
or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and
step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have
quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets
as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good
personal friend of yours. At least you know someone
who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."

ROFL! These are good!~

[sincereheart]

Two guys were  about how highly their wives
 thought of them.

The first guy said,"My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!"

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm
some kind of God!"

"She thinks you're a God? What makes you say that?"

"Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"

rofl  

  "Burnt" is such an ugly word. Around here we just call it "blackened" and say it's Cajun food!  

[Shammu]

WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
 
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." I can't help but think of sincereheart on this one.

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here." Another one I can't help but think of sincereheart on this one.


I love these Brother Love especally the one I did in bold. Well I have done enought typing for tonight.

         
Soon as I quit laughing, I'm gonna be REALLY mad!  

Oops, :eek:   Slowly backing outta this thread, with hands raised, high in the air.

[Brother Love]

Money




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy a house




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not a home




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy a clock

!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not time




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy you a position




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not respect




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy you a bed




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not sleep




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy you a book




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not knowledge




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy you medicine




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not health




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy you blood




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not life




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




So you see money isn't everything




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




And it often causes pain and suffering




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




I tell you this because I am your friend




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




And as your friend I want to




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Take away your pain and suffering!!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




So Send me all your money




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




And I will suffer for you!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Cash only please
 

[Shammu]

Brother Love,  
You are silly.

[Brother Love]

Brother Love,  
You are silly.

Thats me, Silly Brother Love

...... for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content ... I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me " Phil. 4:11,13.

<))><

[sincereheart]

Money

It can buy a house

But not a home

It can buy a clock

But not time

It can buy you a position

But not respect

It can buy you a bed

But not sleep

It can buy you a book

But not knowledge

It can buy you medicine

But not health

It can buy you blood

But not life

So you see money isn't everything

And it often causes pain and suffering

I tell you this because I am your friend

And as your friend I want to

Take away your pain and suffering!!

So Send me all your money

And I will suffer for you!

Cash only please
 
*edited for length*

ROFL!  


"I'm a nobody. And nobody's perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!"
 

[Shammu]

link=board=12;threadid=2508;start=105#msg66691 date=1089786405]

...... for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content ... I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me " Phil. 4:11,13.

<))><

Amen!!

[Brother Love]

  30 Years difference

  1974:Long hair
  2004: Longing for hair

  1974: KEG
  2004: EKG

  1974: Acid rock
  2004: Acid reflux

  1974: Moving to California because it's cool
  2004: Moving to California because it's warm

  1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
  2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

  1974: Seeds and stems
  2004: Roughage

  1974: The Grateful Dead
  2004: Dr. Kevorkian

  1974: Going to a new, hip joint
  2004: Receiving a new hip joint

  1974: Rolling Stones
  2004: Kidney Stones

  1974: Being called into the principal's office
  2004: Calling the principal's office

  1974: Screw the system
  2004: Upgrade the system

  1974: Disco
  2004: Costco

  1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
  2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

  1974: Passing the drivers' test
  2004: Passing the vision test

  1974: Whatever
  2004: Depends

  Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

 The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985.


 They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

 Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

 Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

 The CD was introduced the year they were born.

 They have always had an answering machine.

 They have always had cable.

 They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

 Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

 Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

 They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

 They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

 They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

 They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

 They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

 McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

 They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

 Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

 Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

[Ambassador4Christ]

Mirror,Mirror


Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking ... surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this
short story.

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room
of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full
name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the
same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way
too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth,
I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he
replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1971.
Why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me
closely, and then he asked, "What did you teach?"