BULL

[Forrest]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the
rancher was going to bring yet another bull
onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a
discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here
5 years. Once we settled our differences,
we agreed on which 100 of the cows would
be mine. Now, I don't know where this new-
comer is going to get HIS cows but I aint'
givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me,
too. I've been here 3 years and have earned
my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine.

I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M
KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so
far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to
"take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows
(yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST
keep all MY cows."


They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-
wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only
ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull
these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step
he took toward the ground  strained the steel ramp to
the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some
time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I
think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if
I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM.
I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and
find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick.
Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just
making sure he knows I'M A BULL!"

[IrishAngel]

OCH!  

[TigerLily]

DOE

[Ambassador4Christ]

Recently while going through an airport, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses, but the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"  

[Ambassador4Christ]

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune.

So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life."

She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life."

Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind.

Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your plane to Chicago."  

[Ambassador4Christ]

A scientist was arguing with God one day that he too could create life.

God replied; I am the Lord God creator of all things. He alone could create life and would demonstrate it for the scientist.

God took a handful of dirt and breathed on it; creating life as He had done in the beginning.

The scientist said he too could create life and began to pick up a handful of dirt.

Just then God said; NO! - get your own dirt!.

[Ambassador4Christ]

LAWYER

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"  

[Ambassador4Christ]

A Nun's Kiss

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as Iam and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."  

[Ambassador4Christ]

Tap on the Shoulder



A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the

shoulder to ask him something.


The driver screamed and lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped inches from a
large plate glass window.



For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the driver quietly said, "Please don't ever do that again! You
scared the daylights out of me."



The passenger, who was also frightened,
apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder

could frighten him so much. To which the driver replied,

"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault.Today is my first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.  

[Ambassador4Christ]

Bill Gates dies and finds himself standing at the peraly gates of heaven. St.Peter is not quite sure what to do she he gets an idea. He tells Bill that he can choose where to spend eternity; in heaven or hell.

Bill Gates foolishly asks which is better and Peter tells him he must decide. So Bill asks which he should try first, heaven or hell, to which peter tells him that too he must decide.

Bill tries hell first. Swiiishhhh he is wisked away to hell. Bill finds himself on a warm dry beach surronded by beautiful half naked women and servants catering to his every desire. Blue sky and no rain, with billowing clouds dotting the sky. The animals are all friendly. Bill tells Peter he wishes to see heaven. Wishhh!!! away he goes.

Bill is in heaven and amazed! It is unlike anything he has ever imagined. After much consideration Bill tells Peter he wishes to spend eternity in hell, so away he goes to the abyss. Weeks pass by.

Peter checks in on Bill one day to find him being tormented and tortured by evil demons who are plucking his eyes and burning him with fire and sulphur, Bill is in obvious agony and pain. He cries to Peter, "Peter where is the version of hell you showed me just a few weeks ago?"




Peter replies -- "That was just a demo"  

[Ambassador4Christ]

The gates of heaven are very busy one day in particular with all the people dying from wars and famine and what not, Peter is overwhelmed and has little mercy.

A man, one of many in an unending line approaches the gates and states his name. Peter opens the book-of-life but can not find the mans name. Peter orders him to hell. The man pleads with Peter, "Please, please don't send me there" Peter is very hurried and busy and states that the man's name is not in the book of life. Again the man cries, don't send me there. Peter, having compasion asks the man if he ever did anything that let him escape hell.

The man said to Peter. YES! once ther was this little old lady leaving a grocery store and a motorcycle gang approached her. They knocked her groceries, stole her money and wanted to beat and rape her, but I stepped in to help her.


Peter remarks "That is wonderful son, tell me, when did you do this? I can't see your name in the book of life.


The man looked at his watch and said, "OH about a half-hour ago.  

[Ambassador4Christ]

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house...............

AND he left it there all night.  

[Ambassador4Christ]

As income tax time approaches,
did you ever notice:
When you put the two words
"The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?  

[Ambassador4Christ]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
instead of the bridge, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"  

[Photogrunt]

I think you need to rename this thread...I'm in tears over here!!!