INFIDELITY - NEED ADVICE!!!!

[Wildhorse]

Hello.  I am trying to get some sound, Biblical advice from a fellow Christian who is fairly knowledgeable in this area.  I recently (2 mo. ago) found out my husband cheated on me just a few days before we were married.  At the time we were neither one saved, had been living together for about a year and a half, and I was pregnant with his child.  I am having a difficult time dealing with this since we have been married for 7 years now and have 2 children together, and we have both become saved and very involved in a church since that time, and he never willingly confessed this to me.  I feel I have been betrayed in the worst way possible and lied to for 7 years.  I am wondering what my options are as a Christian as far as divorce.  We were not married at the time the infidelity occured, but were in a commited relationship and had created a life together, so I'm curious as to how this would fit into the "reasonable cause for divorce due to infidelity" thing, or if it would fit at all.  I am very hurt and don't know whether I can continue in this relationship.  My trust has been destroyed and I no longer feel that I even love my husband.  I thought he was different and it turns out that he was not.  Can anyone help please?  Thanks!

[Soldier4Christ]

Please excuse me for being blunt but it sounds to me as if you are looking for a Biblical answer to ease your conscience in seeking a divorce from him. You were both living in sin as you were not married and neither of you were saved at the time of the incident. Sin is sin, whether it was with you or with someone else.

My question is has he been faithful to you since you have been married? (This is a rhetorical question, not for you to give me an answer on but for you to answer for yourself) If so then you do not have a leg to stand on for divorce either Biblically or legally speaking.

[Wildhorse]

Pastor Roger:  I felt compelled to respond to your post.  First, I would like to say that I am quite aware of the fact that my husband and I were both living in sin at the time of the incident in question, and I am not proud of that fact.  Yes, I may be looking for a way to make myself feel better or justified in leaving him (although my decision has not yet been made) because I feel trapped and tricked by the person who is supposed to love and honor me. If that reaction is wrong or sinful, I hope God will deal with me regarding that - I am only human and am responding with human emotions.  At the time of our marriage, we were supposed to be starting a new life together and we both made a conscious choice at that point to turn away from our old lives and toward God as we both felt the weight of the sinful life we had been living.  There were confessions and bearing of our souls and we came to a mutual decision to marry and go forward in our relationship the right way rather than to continue in the sinful life we were leading or go our separate ways altogether.  My husband chose at that time to omit the fact that he had done this, and he knew perfectly well that I would most likely have chosen to move on without him had I known.  As far as whether or not he has been faithful since we married (even though it was a rhetorical question) I honestly do not know.  I have had suspicions and now I don't trust him at all.  In any case, I was looking for love and support from this forum (which should accompany any useful advice if it is to be well taken) and I feel that you were instead very abrupt and judgmental.  You may be perfectly on-target in your advice (Biblically speaking), although I happen to live in a no-fault divorce state as far as the legal end of things goes and was not seeking advice regarding whether or not I have legal grounds for a divorce (as I already know I do).  However, you may want to soften the method in which you deliver your advice in the future as I personally was very hurt and offended at a time when I am desperately reaching out for someone who can offer understanding and compassion, as I believe Jesus would do regardless of whatever advice he had to deliver.  Thank you.

[cris]

Hi Wildhorse,

I see you're brand new to Christians Unite so let me welcome you..............welcome .  

I'm sorry you felt hurt by Pastor Roger's reply to you.  You asked for advice from a fellow Christian that was knowledgeable in the area, and he answered you accordingly, although briefly.  I'm sure he didn't mean to sound harsh.  We all have different personalities and sometimes conflict because of that fact.  

I can imagine how hurt and betrayed you must feel.  I think anyone would be in this situation.  Let's look at it a different way, though.  You don't have to answer any of my questions.................they'll be sort of rhetorical, OK?  How did you finally find out your husband cheated on you two days before you got married?  Did he tell you?  Maybe he didn't, I don't know.  Also, you might want to think he never told you in your 7 year marriage because he didn't want to hurt you.  And yes, he never told you before the marriage because he didn't want to lose you.  He probably felt it would be better that you didn't know, and he just didn't consider the consequences of you finding out.  There's much missing from your post.............I'm not asking you for info.  I just don't have enough information to advise you either way.  I'm responding to just what I do know.  Even if I had more info, I'm not a psychologist.  I certainly would recommend that you find a Christian psychologist, though.  Then maybe after you've seen one, you and your husband can go together.  I don't think you want a divorce...............that has to be the very last decision, after all else is exhausted.  Yes, you will have to learn to trust him again, and he will have to build that trust.  It's going to be work for both of you.  Think about this for a moment, if it was you who cheated, and you were remorseful, wouldn't you want your husband to forgive you?  Your marriage is worth fighting for.  In my opinion, you (both of you) will fare far worse in life if you divorce.

We all go through awful situations in our lives.  Pray everyday about this.  Ask God what lesson he wants you to learn from this.  Wildhorse, I know it's hard to believe, but there are worse situations than infidelity..................I'm not minimizing infidelity because it's devastating.

I know I probably haven't helped you much but I'm trying.  I responded to your post....................I didn't ignore you because I know how that feels.  People are people.  Some people don't feel comfortable responding to some posts with advice or whatever for whatever reason.  We're all different personalities.

YOU WILL REGAIN TRUST....................HANG IN THERE!

Grace and peace,
cris

 

[Soldier4Christ]

My intent was not to cause you more hurt, but rather to "prick your heart" as the Bible puts it. As I said sin is sin. We all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. One sin is not any greater than another for the Bible teaches us that to break the least of the commandments is to break them all.

We are to follow in the footsteps (examples given) of Jesus. If Jesus can forgive us all our sins can we do no less?

Mat 6:14  For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
Mat 6:15  But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

If your question is simply a way to get out of your marriage and ease your own conscience in doing so, it is wrong and I cannot, will not condone such an act. I am sorry if this sounds harsh to you. It is not meant that way. It is just relaying the truth.

Cris has given some wonderful advice. I, too, would suggest seeking a Christian marriage councellor in an attempt to patch up your marriage rather than to seek a way out of it.

[Tabitha]

Hello.  I am trying to get some sound, Biblical advice from a fellow Christian who is fairly knowledgeable in this area.  I recently (2 mo. ago) found out my husband cheated on me just a few days before we were married.  At the time we were neither one saved, had been living together for about a year and a half, and I was pregnant with his child.  I am having a difficult time dealing with this since we have been married for 7 years now and have 2 children together, and we have both become saved and very involved in a church since that time, and he never willingly confessed this to me.  I feel I have been betrayed in the worst way possible and lied to for 7 years.  I am wondering what my options are as a Christian as far as divorce.  We were not married at the time the infidelity occured, but were in a commited relationship and had created a life together, so I'm curious as to how this would fit into the "reasonable cause for divorce due to infidelity" thing, or if it would fit at all.  I am very hurt and don't know whether I can continue in this relationship.  My trust has been destroyed and I no longer feel that I even love my husband.  I thought he was different and it turns out that he was not.  Can anyone help please?  Thanks!

Maybe the answer is seperation, not divorce. He did violate the trust that you had together, not only through the affair but there the omitting of the infidelity. I think logistically you have the right to divorce, but that doesn't neccesarily mean you should. You have to weigh the pros and cons of this; you're not only going to be doing this yourself and your husband, you're taking away your children's family as they know it. Whatever you decide to do, their lives will be affected by it. You have every right to be hurt and your emotions are normal; your trust was betrayed every day until he told you the truth and that part of the foundation of your relationship was built on a lie. But marriage is about commitment between God, you, and your husband. Even when it was made under false pretenses, it is not to be taken lightly. Maybe your marriage is past the point of saving, but you have to at least make an effort to try to save. You owe it your children to be able to say in all honesty 'I did everything that I could'. Seek out martial counseling and exhaust every resource you have available to you before you divorce.

Maybe you need to put some space between you and your husband so that you can think about this more clearly. You just found out and the wound is still raw; don't do anything out of that pain that you may end up regretting for the rest of your life.

[Wildhorse]

Thanks so much to all three of you for your wonderful advice and words of encouragement.  I appreciate it soooo much, and I am feeling a little better about the situation now,thanks to prayer and all of you.  I still don't know how this will end, but I feel hopeful now and believe God will get me through this one way or another.  I want to apologize to you, Pastor Roger, for assuming your intentions were not in my favor, and for my hasty answer.  I understand now that your intentions were to give me the advice I had asked for, and I appreciate your response.  Thanks again, and God Bless all of you!

[cris]

Thanks so much to all three of you for your wonderful advice and words of encouragement.  I appreciate it soooo much, and I am feeling a little better about the situation now,thanks to prayer and all of you.  I still don't know how this will end, but I feel hopeful now and believe God will get me through this one way or another.  I want to apologize to you, Pastor Roger, for assuming your intentions were not in my favor, and for my hasty answer.  I understand now that your intentions were to give me the advice I had asked for, and I appreciate your response.  Thanks again, and God Bless all of you!

Wildhorse,

Your post sounds like a goodbye .  We all just met.  You sound much better. It WILL work out.  God will take that pain away...........in time.  God bless and hang in there.  It will be worth it.

Grace and peace,
cris

[Soldier4Christ]

Wildhorse,

Apology accepted though it was not necessary for you to do so. As Cris said I was brief and such a post can be easily misunderstood. It is a fault of mine. I sometimes say to little, not explaining myself enough.

I sincerely hope that this was not a goodbye from you. We all would like to see you here.