Give Advice Here

[chicklittle]

I KNOW, I know, this is a men's only forum.  I just wanted to "ask the guys" a couple questions.  First, how can I show my husband that I love him?  What kinds of things make men feel like MEN?  

Also, I do notice the huge amount of porn EVERYWHERE, and it is so embarassing and humiliating to me. It really pains me to see it incorporated into everything.  Early in my marriage, my husband did not know to change the channel or fastforward inappropriate scenes, and I was so very very heartbroken and disapointed at some of the things he has tolerated his eyes to see.  He is learning now, and I am wondering if there is anything (besides pray for him) that I can do to help him in this area?  Can I offer any of the helpful tips I've read on this forum, or would that offend or threaten him?

[Tibby]

One of my old Pastors used to tell a story. A member of his church came into in office one day because she needed advice. She was upset that her husband was spending all him time watching the game ,and not being with her. His advice? Strip down to the bare, and walk between him, and the TV.

My question to you, a personal as it may be, it this: How is your sex life? Don't answer that, but think about it. It is few and far between? It is dull and boring? It is the same routine you've been doing since marrage? If it doesn't happen a lot, make it happen more. If it seems kinda dull, try and spice it up a little.

Honestly, from the little bit you told me, from my 21 year as a career male ( ) it sounds to me like you guys just need to connect a little more on this level. Remimber, when you're married, sex isn't a sin, it's a commandment!

[chicklittle]

You said not to answer, but it's only fair that I do.  We have sex almost every night.  I have talked to him about that area and he is pretty satisfied.  I also initiate it a lot.  The thing is, he is not extremely interested in sex like it seems most men are.  I mean he is, but it isn't this huge driving force.  He says it hasn't been for years (we have been married 3 months).  He is mostly content with that though, he feels normal about it. So I want to know what else I can do, other than sex, that can let him know he is my priority and that I love him deeply.

[BUTCHA]

why to you feel this need?

doesnt he know?

are you trying to hard?

guys dont operate like woman,generaly speaking, usually it the woman that needs the re-assurring that the guy cares for her.

are you sure he needs you reassurring love?

or do you need him to show you more affection, so you want to get his attention?

i dont know but this doesnt sound right to me ? and i think your the one wishing hed show you more love and cocideration and you should just sit down and explain how it hurts you when you see him noticeing sexy women on tv, or what ever is going on . guys just are not usually to mentally intoon with the relationship and you might want to just share some of the pain he causes you. im sure hes abliviouse to it.sorry im a poor speller.and sorry if im insulting you because i dont mean this in a bad way ,just relatting it to my life experiances.

           so with love and hope butch

[GodWarrior]

I KNOW, I know, this is a men's only forum.  I just wanted to "ask the guys" a couple questions.  First, how can I show my husband that I love him?  What kinds of things make men feel like MEN?  

Also, I do notice the huge amount of porn EVERYWHERE, and it is so embarassing and humiliating to me. It really pains me to see it incorporated into everything.  Early in my marriage, my husband did not know to change the channel or fastforward inappropriate scenes, and I was so very very heartbroken and disapointed at some of the things he has tolerated his eyes to see.  He is learning now, and I am wondering if there is anything (besides pray for him) that I can do to help him in this area?  Can I offer any of the helpful tips I've read on this forum, or would that offend or threaten him?

Is he a Christian? My personal opinion is I wouldn't marry someone unless they were Christian. If it makes you feel uncomfortable tell him. Most men I know aren't mind readers. Tell him exactly how you feel. Communication is a huge part of a relationship. I think he would respect you being truthful to him.

I don't think sex will help the situation. It will probably only harm your relationship. Once you have sex all the time it loses it's meaning. It should be something shared between to people that is showing love and should be sacred. If you have to much sex it will get old. Eventually the sex will be just for plessure and lose meaning.

[chicklittle]

Thanks for the advice.  He usually looks away now when stuff like that comes on the TV, still pretty slow on changing the channel though.  He knows it bothers me.  He wasn't tolerating it before because he liked it and was interested in it, he says he has just gotten so used to it being around all the time (he's air force), and no one ever explained to him HOW wrong it was an how it can hurt his healthy relationships.  Of course he's a Christian, I wouldn't marry anything else.  Butch, I think you are very intuitive.  I am not insulted.  He knows that I don't feel loved, and I guess I have felt that it was my own fault for not doing something that he needed.  He's known for quite a while, and just never did anything about it.  Now all of a sudden, he's decided he must not be doing something right if I don't feel like he cares for me.  So since you realized that maybe I am just trying to get his attention, is that the wrong route?  Should I hold back more and be more distant?  What should I do?

[JudgeNot]

What kinds of things make men feel like MEN?

When my wife says to me “You are a good provider…” it makes my day/week/month.  Complimenting a man’s ability to take care of his family is SO important… Some men may down-play it, but to REAL MEN it’s the best compliment he can get and it is a compliment that WILL get you results.

…huge amount of porn EVERYWHERE, …and I am wondering if there is anything (besides pray for him) that I can do to help him in this area?

Just flat out tell him “Turn that crap off!”  (Men can also be children – that’s a fact that cannot be denied!)  

Good luck and God Bless!
JN

[BUTCHA]

Butch, I think you are very intuitive.  I am not insulted.  He knows that I don't feel loved, and I guess I have felt that it was my own fault for not doing something that he needed.  He's known for quite a while, and just never did anything about it.  Now all of a sudden, he's decided he must not be doing something right if I don't feel like he cares for me.  So since you realized that maybe I am just trying to get his attention, is that the wrong route?  Should I hold back more and be more distant?  What should I do?
its not your fault, nobody is to blame.you know deep down that you are great and hes lucky to have you.dont try to play any kind of games or tricking him . we men are horrible with hints suggestions and clues. my wife will tell me something, im listenning, im paying attention and i still dont understand.

so try to express your feelings and emotions as clearly as posible, and then help him and guide him what you need want and excpect . because if hes a good guy he'll rise to the occation.
judge not is right, when he said the following.
 
When my wife says to me “You are a good provider…” it makes my day/week/month.  Complimenting a man’s ability to take care of his family is SO important… Some men may down-play it, but to REAL MEN it’s the best compliment he can get and it is a compliment that WILL get you results.

 but i dont think its him that doesnt feel the love.that being said if he deserves this copliment give him it or any other one that he deserves , but dont just give him lip service be honest.

what would be better if your husband said......
 you are the most beautiful woman in the world.
or
to me your the most beautiful woman ive  ever known.

i also get the feelling you are somewhat of a push over, its good to be nice but , maybe he needs a little more of a challenge
if this applies think about how you could work it into your relationship, and im not talking about fightting or argueing. i mean a positive challange for him . you probebly give of your self to no end with little in return ,are you mentaly challenging him? im sure you would like him to be your best friend how would you treate a best friend and expect them to treate you?
any how this relationship stuff is always a work in progress. and it sounds like your headed in the right direction . its alot of work. and he does love you, i know this, but he just doesnt have the ability to know how to get you to feel it, this is were woman are smarter than men, and you need to teach him, how.(to any woman who read this i didnt mean as though woman are not smarter than men in other areas).
lots of luck, and oh if he is somewhat into god and all, you may at sometime want to pull out the trump card, and ask him if he'll pray alone or with you to have jesus guide you both in this.but your timeing has to be right,for most guys.

good luck butch

[WolfBrother]

Chicklittle,

I don't post much here because I don't have a lot of time to spend in fellowship here.


You may want to read Dr. Laura's new book, The Care and Feeding of Men.  From what I've heard about the book she wrote it to explain to women:
 how men are different from women
and
 how how to use the knowledge of those differences to better "care and feed" your man.

Take care.

[chicklittle]

Thank you butch, again I like what you had to say.  Thank you for your advice.  I do try really hard, I feel like I give and give of myself and don't get a whole lot in return.  I can't say I don't get anything though...it's just too infrequent for my preference!  Also, when I have to TELL my husband that I need him to treat me this way or that, spend time with me, be affectionate, ect...I feel like it doesn't mean that much to me because I had to tell him.  Someone told me I needed to get over that, is she right?  She probably is.  It's just that I have to tell him what I need several times because he always forgets, and that makes me not feel important to him (if I was, wouldn't he remember at least the second time??).  Then I feel bad or selfish for always telling him how I need my beeds met...like I'm being demanding.  I feel like I get on his nerves a lot by telling him everything I need from him.

He is very into God, a pretty strong Christian (though being married now, he isn't quite AS strong as I thought when we were dating, but we're all human and I can give him some grace and pray for him.  I probably just feel that way because I see more sin in his life now than before).

[ZakDar]

What kinds of things make men feel like MEN?

When my wife says to me “You are a good provider…” it makes my day/week/month.  Complimenting a man’s ability to take care of his family is SO important… Some men may down-play it, but to REAL MEN it’s the best compliment he can get and it is a compliment that WILL get you results.

…huge amount of porn EVERYWHERE, …and I am wondering if there is anything (besides pray for him) that I can do to help him in this area?

Just flat out tell him “Turn that crap off!”  (Men can also be children – that’s a fact that cannot be denied!)  

Good luck and God Bless!
JN

This advice is closest to what you need to heed. Consider that men view themselves as THE most predominant thing your life. They are your knight in shining armour. they are your protector. they are your bread-winner.

So....... treat him as such. When he's watching the smut, say something like this: "Honey, I love you very much. But do you know that stuff on the TV debases me?" Or, "Makes me feel dirty?" Use whatever is the truth for you.

Use the woman's talent called "buttering up". When woman do this to a man, even if they know it, they cannot resist you. Buttering up consists of complimenting, followed by what you desire.

As an example, say you wanted to go see an opera. Now, you KNOW how men feel about opera!! LOL! But try this on him in whatever your situations is: "Honey, I love you. And I feel totally incomplete without you. You are the thing that makes me whole and complete, and I just need you to come to the opera with me to help make me feel like a whole woman".

Sounds kinda corny, I know, but I guarantee you this "buttering up" works.

I learned this stuff from a couple of books written by a fella named Gary Smaley. The one is called, "If Only He Knew", and the companion book is called "For Better Or For Best".

Seek these books out with the intent to get him to read "If Only He Knew". When he reads that book, your fulfillment will commence.

[lsm250]

This is difficult but go fishing with him. I have been married 42 years to a Saint. We do everything together. I don't leave the house without her. We are always helping each other, in or out of the house, arm in arm. We pray together, attend Sunday school and church together and we both love eachother, eventho we're a shadow of the two people who married eachother. I however run the tv, if something comes on that has bad language or is sexual I change the channel, you sometimes can't avoid it. You have to be together, do everything together, I don't go to the gas station without her. I'm 77 and still work everyday, she gets up at 4am to kiss me goodby, and kisses me when I come home. We kiss before we go to bed and kiss again when we wake up. She is a blessing to me, you need to be a blessing to your husband.
lsm250