Hurricane Survival Guide

Hurricane Survival Guide

I don't normally send this stuff to everyone, but this time we could all use a good laugh at our poor selves living in Florida. Read on and laugh with me, because what else can you do? Got to keep your sense of humor...

Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a
weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the
Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

1) There is no need to panic.

and...

2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably
wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you
follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness
plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Ohio and remain there until
Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not
follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay
in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:

HURRICANE INSURANCE: If you own a home, you
must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your
home meets two basic requirements:

1) It is reasonably well-built, and

2) It is located in Ohio.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any
other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane,
most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you
hurricane insurance, because then they might
be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not
why they got into the insurance business in the first
place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual
premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your
house.

At any moment, this company can drop you like used
dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an
estimated 27 different home-insurance companies.
This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan
Insurance Company, under a policy which states that,
in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are
entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane
shutters on all the windows,all the doors, and -- if it's a
major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several
types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

1) Plywood Shutters: The advantage is that, because
you make them yourself, they're cheap. The
disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.

2) Sheet-Metal Shutters: The advantage is that these
work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage
is that once you get them all up, your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

3) Roll-Down Shutters: The advantages are that they're
very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house.
The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your
house to pay for them.

4) Hurricane-Proof Windows: These are the newest
wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary
windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You
can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Ohio.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY: As the
hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable
objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio, furniture,
visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution,
throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't
have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you
should have an evacuation route planned out. (To
determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a
low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation
route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a
major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along
with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a
bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will
need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida
tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of
SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following
supplies:

1) 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries
that won't work or will be the wrong size for the
flashlights.

2) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for.
NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's
traditional, so GET some!)

3) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

4) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

5) A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the
alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane;
after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

6) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from the
man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you
keep abreast of the situation by turning on your
television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over
how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from
the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.