To marry or not to marry?

[joidevivre]

I am a pastor who committed  myself to officiating at a wedding the 4th of June.  I knew this man had anger issues but it was only this week that I saw how lacking in impulse control he has.  During a pre-marital discussion he left the room and yelled at her "I hate you".  I have since learned from another source that he has hit her twice.  She is pregnant  and still wants to marry this man.

Now, I know that as minister's we unite people who are less than perfect with all sorts of issues.  However, my heart is troubled at sealing this union in the name of Christ.   How could Christ bless this union with so much anger?  

Please may I have your quick thoughts on this since I meet with them tonight to let them know my thoughts.

J.

[BUTCHA]

sorry, late on this but, i say you marry them ,but in the future after he gets help. wich he will not do so it will be his decition not to have you marry them.

good luck we both know this will have a bad ending if they marry hope they do not have children.

[Symphony]

I am a pastor who committed  myself to officiating at a wedding the 4th of June.  I knew this man had anger issues but it was only this week that I saw how lacking in impulse control he has.  During a pre-marital discussion he left the room and yelled at her "I hate you".  I have since learned from another source that he has hit her twice.  She is pregnant  and still wants to marry this man.

Now, I know that as minister's we unite people who are less than perfect with all sorts of issues.  However, my heart is troubled at sealing this union in the name of Christ.   How could Christ bless this union with so much anger?  

Please may I have your quick thoughts on this since I meet with them tonight to let them know my thoughts.

J.

Whew!  There's so much wrong with this picture, where scarcely to begin??!!

First of all, you're seriously considering marrying a couple where one partner is openly declaring hatred of the other--and at a pre-marital discussion in front of the pastor?

Hellllo??  


Secondly, you're officiating at a celebration of marriage where the woman is pregnant?

Marriage--yes(well, maybe)--but a celebration of marriage?  They're already married, if she's pregnant.  I don't see any room here for a planned *celebration*.  He's  deflowered her.  

Too, that's probably a reason for his "hatred" of her.  Men typically have contempt for one they've deflowered(tho perhaps not always, I suppose).


If I were to marry this couple, I would feel complicit in the man's contempt for his bride.  Do not participate in another man's sin, we are reminded in the epistles.

At best, you can't marry these people until he indicates he loves her.  Things may be bad for her now, but your marriage of them will only make you complicit.

If you are reading your Old Testament, you'll find repeatedly God's and the prophets' indictment of the prophets, the priests and the Levites who were repeatedly doing exactly this sort of things.  

Thank you for sharing this and I'm thankful you have some reservations about marrying this couple.

[Reba]

This women is digging a ever deeper grave. Odds are she feels very guilty and is punishing her self for having slept with the creep. so she figures she has the abuse coming. In todays world i guess we call the law.  OR call the men of the church to a old fashion blanket party. Of what use is pre-marital counceling ...

the fornacation is a past sin...  the child a gift... the marriage would be hell.

[tony]

Sometimes I believe marriage is viewed as a type of quick fix.  After all marriage is depicted in such a fairy tale fashion and it is only fitting that such an ideology be present, even if it is terribly misguided.  Unrealistic expectations, coming from both the husband and wife, eventually lead to disaster.  I have heard it said that, “The man marries a young lady hoping she will never change and the woman marries the man hopping he will change”.  The first time I heard this statement I chuckled somewhat.  However, the more I ponder the point I realize it has an abundance of truth imbedded in the simplistic statement.  Often, men feel disappointed that the woman he is now married to is not the same person he courted.  Likewise, the woman feels that if she could just love him enough he would somehow change, for her[and possibly the children].  Unfortunately, reality does have a way of showing its presence.  One need not look any further than statistical research to validate this unfortunate point.  Why do so many marriages end in divorce?  Well, this could be the subject of a mountain of texts, although, I will offer a VERY brief answer to this important topic of marriage.

Marriage was ordained by God.  Accordingly, it is within this relationship that two Christians marry one another.  Too many marriages are for all the WRONG reasons.  Key examples of these include marring another person because of their status, attractiveness, money, family, in hopes of helping the person [which is really more of an effort to change them…doesn’t work!!!...change is between them and God]  or because of an unplanned pregnancy, just to name a few.  In reality, marriages should be based upon faith.  In other words, the two individuals, according to God’s plan, are to be Christians.  Remember the scripture that instructs us to not be yoked with unbelievers, and asks us what fellowship hath light with darkness?  

Tragically, many young people get involved with another person, often an unbeliever, and yes there are those in the church who are not Christians, and then later only find an abundance of heart aches as the relationship is bombarded with conflict/turmoil and often ends in divorce.   Leaving the children with a traumatic experience[with a high possibility of physical/emotional/spiritual abuse], while the parents were still “together”, and then later after the divorce they become pulled in between two other, often undesirable environments.

Pastor, I don’t believe that there is an easy answer to such an important question.  Both the young lady and the man made choices.  Experienced the pleasures of sin, and will no doubt reap what they have sown.    


If the young lady is truly a Christian I would definitely present the scriptures to her in a private and VERY caring way!  God says that His word will not return void.  She may not take heed to the scriptures you tell her immediately, but they may come to her memory years later.  I would recommend trying to keep an open relationship.  After all, without the relationship there will be no opportunity to witness and guide in spiritual matters.  Moreover, from your statement of his behavior I am doubtful that he is a Christian, even if he does attend Church.  Since he is not a Christian, displays violent/angry tendencies, it is doubtful he will be open to any scriptures that do not benefit him directly.

Your Brother in Christ,

Tony

[LMarsh]

I will pray for both of these young people....as I'm sure you are doing Pastor.  We all make mistakes.  We are sinful humans.  But to put your hands on another, to strike them in anger and to abuse them with words.  Well.....we need to pray for him all the harder.  And you know what!....why not confront him with the issue and with scripture as well.  God can change hearts and the most sinful of people.

Jesus did not just dine with his "friends".  He ate with sinners.
You may have to get more invested in these two than you thought.  Pray about it.  Advize them if you can....if you can't, recommend counselling....

Whether or not you marry them.  Truly I don't think that will make a difference to them.  They will just find someone else to marry them who doesn't care.  Delay the wedding til the last possible date, counsel in the interim.  Become they're adviser, her helper in the Lord if she needs it.  A strong Christian rolemodel for him.  I know my husband has such a hard time talking about the Lord with anyone but me.  Is it a Guy thing?  I'm not sure but....open up those paths....create some sort of relationship and show him what a real man of God believes here and now.  You could also tailor some of your sermons to some issues he has......and most of us have to lesser degrees....we are all human.  

I was just advising my husband when he seemed so angry for a few days (he was upset about something at work....and boy was it spilling into our home).....That you don't have to "go with" your feelings.  To listen to your flesh.  You can feel these strong emotions.  And before you react.  Think.  Take control.  Pray about it specifically for God to help you get control.  To Renew your mind.  

Boy howdy...it's helped me keep my mouth shut and bite my tongue many days and nights.

God Bless....keeping you in prayer,
LMarsh

[BUTCHA]

I am a pastor who committed  myself to officiating at a wedding the 4th of June.  I knew this man had anger issues but it was only this week that I saw how lacking in impulse control he has.  During a pre-marital discussion he left the room and yelled at her "I hate you".  I have since learned from another source that he has hit her twice.  She is pregnant  and still wants to marry this man.

Now, I know that as minister's we unite people who are less than perfect with all sorts of issues.  However, my heart is troubled at sealing this union in the name of Christ.   How could Christ bless this union with so much anger?  

Please may I have your quick thoughts on this since I meet with them tonight to let them know my thoughts.

J.

so just wonderring what did you do

[Symphony]

*drums fingers on tabletop*