Trying hard

[Cordell]

I have never chatted online before; Altough I have used the internet as a tool for sometime.  I am a private person when it comes to personal matters.  I have not had the joy of the Lord for sometime.  My life seems out of control.  
I would say, that Iam like the prodigal son returning home. Like the prodigal son it was crisis that caused me to see the error of my ways. I wish I could say that I repented of my own accord but that isn't true. The mistakes that I make seem never to go unpunished in a catastrophic way. Perhaps, I make catastrophic mistakes. Maybe, God chastens me more severly than others because he expects more from me, or maybe his plan for me is so important that there is little room for error.  Anyway, I don't get a break at all these days.  My heart has always been his. He gave me this new heart some years ago.  Jesus lives here!!!  I didn't choose him he chose me and ordained me to bring forth good fruit, and that fruit would remain. I asked god to keep me along the path of righteousness for his name sake. I new then that I would be a potentially lousy christian. Even when I mean well. Catastrophy occurs. I say HALLELUAH anyway. This is my faith. It is all I now posses.

[Whitehorse]

Dear Friend,

You might be comforted byu this essay by Thomas Brooks:

The Mute Christian Under the Smarting Rod by Thomas Brooks. This work is still in print after around 400 years.

Also, if you struggle in your walk, please read Precious Remedies Against Satan's Devices, also by Brooks.

Both are available from Banner of Truth. The first is an essay in his collective works, and the second can be purchased separately. Or check your library.

When God brings pain, it's because He knows us better than we know ourselves. It smarts like you wouldn't believe, but He needs to get out every tendency toward sin. There are no small sins, either.

Blessings,
Whitehorse

[Shylynne]

Hello Cordell, welcome to christians unite!

I sent you a email, because I know  someone I think you may like   to correspond with. Other than that let me say this, if our joy as christians depended upon our good works or our natural abilities, most of us could never attain it, but  God is our only true source and giver of joy, and this is found by taking our eyes off our own selves, our pitiful attempts and failures to be all that we think we should be, and focusing on Him. True joy is found in the center of our worship of our creator, if when things come agianst you, you begin to praise Him, you`ll find a strength from that like none you`ve ever known. His joy is your strength!

[LMarsh]

Hi Cordell,
My heart hurt for you as I read your post.  I know its hard in the times of pain to find joy in it.  I for one have turned from God in the infancy of my becoming a Christian when really really bad things started happening in my life.  In the ferociousness of these things I sought refuge in him but when they had passed a bit, I became hurt and angry with him.

 It took me a good year and a half of anger, depression and almost the breakup of my marraige to just turn to him tearfully and place myself in his arms to weep and forgive myself and my anger at him.

I had been in his tender hand all that time but had been too stubborn to feel his comforting embrace, lay back in his rest and just give it all to him and find joy in the blessed assurance of his eternal care.  I find as I was healing from this period it helped me immensely to read the bible.  I didn't want to....I was stubborn.  I found when I didn't want to read....well boy howdy, it was the best time for me TO read.  I forced myself all the while cursing at myself and the horrible person I was.

It's been almost 4 years since then.  There are still storms, yes daily.  But He is Our refuge.  Go to Him.  Sit in His Silence.  Bask in his loving Word.  It helped me to close my eyes and picture myself cradled in the arms of our loving Saviour.  Safe as a Babe.
The book of Job helped me immensely.  Especially God speaking to Job.

God Bless You, I will be praying for you.
God is loving you yes, he has big plans for you, yes.
He also wants you to seek his peace as you go through these things for His sake.
Your sister in Christ,
LMarsh

[Willowbirch]

C.S. Lewis has a book titled "The Problem of Pain"...I'm not sure if that would be another helpful book or not...

Praying for you, Cordell...many Christians are going through miseries, despite prayer and good works etc...we rarely know the "why" of what God is doing. Just remember that He "doeth all things well", even (and especially) when it doesn't make sense to us.  

[Shylynne]

I received a email from Cordell today and he asks that we would remember him in prayer.  Yesterday morning his mother passed away unexpectedly.

God be with our brother thru this time of grief in Jesus name.

[sincereheart]

Praying!  

[Willowbirch]

I received a email from Cordell today and he asks that we would remember him in prayer.  Yesterday morning his mother passed away unexpectedly.

God be with our brother thru this time of grief in Jesus name.

Oh, Lord, comfort and strengthen Cordell at this time! Help him to not be overwhelmed by the burden!

[LMarsh]

We're praying for you Brother Cordell.
Love
LMarsh

[Cordell]

I thank all of you for your prayers and support. However, I must be honest. I am fading fast.  It seems that I have very little control over things and everyday it is some new disaster happening.  I don't mean to have a pity party.  But, I can't seem to think theologically through things.  This I must assume is exactly where God wants me to be. I am at the end of myself and my hope is that at the end of me is the beginning of him.  This is a frightful place to be, because in this place you don't see much hope for the flesh.  So, I diminish that he might increase. I speak literally and spiritually when I say, " I have nothing left". Even the words I write and the scriptures that I recite seem empty. Everything in me cries out for a miracle.  I am not the man Job was.  How dare I ever been vain and arrogant. Now, I sit on the edge of everything I have ever believed hoping for something that I cannot describe or know what it should be. I am helpless with my very faith hanging in the balance. Saints, I don't know the outcome of my life and I don't expect any of you to know either. But if things don't pan out the way we would like them to, know that they worked out the way he would have them for his good will.  From the very moment I became a christian I knew I didn't know how to do it, my hope was in Christ leading me down the path of righteousness for his name sake.
His yoke is easy and his burden is light; I made it hard and I made it heavy.  "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I simply repent but even this simple task overwhelmed and brought to me to realize Oh reched man that I am.
       God be with you Saints.

[AJ]

Praying for you too Dear Cordell...I have a broken first rib that never healed that drives me almost insane at times...its been ten years now with this pain...but god is good my friend, the more i pray the better it feels at times... keep praying, when we are weak.. then we are strong. Sometimes we are tried and when we come trough we will be as gold in the eyes of the father.

God bless you

[Shylynne]

I am at the end of myself and my hope is that at the end of me is the beginning of him.

It is. I know because I was once in that place where there was nothing left but pain and hopelessness.  There`s a song that I used to sing... and wept while singing it many times...but a wonderful  reminder God is there, doing something beautiful in our lives, even when we feel we`ve been left all alone.


He washed my eyes with tears that I might see,
The broken heart I had was good for me;
He tore it all apart and looked inside,
He found it full of fear and foolish pride.
He swept away the things that made me blind
And then I saw the clouds were silver lined;
And now I understand 'twas best for me
He washed my eyes with tears that I might see.

He washed my eyes with tears that I might see
The glory of Himself revealed to me;
I did not know that He had wounded hands
I saw the blood He spilt upon the sands.
I saw the marks of shame and wept and cried;
He was my substitute for me He died;
And now I'm glad He came so tenderly;
And washed my eyes with tears that I might see.

 

I felt  to leave this link here for you,  hope it helps give you some inspiration and encouragement, and remember there are people here praying for you.

http://theranch.org/welcome.htm

[Faithwalk]

Even the words I write and the scriptures that I recite seem empty.

My heart broke when I saw that quote by you and it reminded me of period in my life shortly after I came to know the Lord. Codell, have you forgiven yourself? have you really forgiven yourself? think about it. God has forgiven you.  YOU ARE FORGIVEN.  Therfore, what is happening to you I believe is not God punishing you but the consequences of your actions.  Remember, He loves you unconditionally and He has not rewarded you according to your sins.

You said that you are a very private person ---sometimes we just have to release what is inside of us so that God can pour in what He wants to give.  

This is good step that you have taken and I encourage you to just open up your heart to Him and allow Him to have His way in you.

Do you love Jesus? (All things happen for good to those who love the Lord--Something good is going to happen)

You are in my prayers.

[Willowbirch]

Thanks, Shylynne, for your testimony...

I wish I could find words to comfort you, Cordell; but I have not yet come to the point of despair, and the valleys I've walked through have not been especially dark. Only those who have been there, and found God to be greater than they had imagined, can possibly hope to really encourage someone who is facing such trials and apparent emptiness.

Obviously, drawing close to the shelter of God's wing is the best remedy for whatever assaults us; I hope I'm not being offensive, but have you considered depression medicine/counseling?

[Allinall]

Welcome to the forum Cordell!  I just wanted to give you a couple of thoughts here man, if ya don't mind...

I thank all of you for your prayers and support. However, I must be honest. I am fading fast.  It seems that I have very little control over things and everyday it is some new disaster happening.  I don't mean to have a pity party.  But, I can't seem to think theologically through things.  This I must assume is exactly where God wants me to be.

I can't help but think about Peter, on the waves before Jesus when I read this post of yours.  Think about that for a minute, and read this...

Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds.  And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them.  And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, "It is a ghost!" and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid."  And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water."  He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me."  Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

Matthew 14:22-33

You see, my friend, Peter ended up in a great position.  He knew, not just perceived, not just felt, but really, really knew that Jesus is the Son of God.  And when did he know this?  After he stepped out of the security of the boat, in faith, and came to Jesus.  Yup.  He got his eyes off of Jesus, and let it focus on the wind and the waves.  He sunk.

You, my friend, are out of the boat, standing on the waves and watching the wind.  You're sinking.  Peter figured out how to get out of it though.  He called on, and more importantly, refocused on Jesus.  There were waves.  He saw Jesus.  There was wind.  He saw Jesus.  Death loomed on his doorstep.  He saw Jesus.  Yes, things may be out of control for you.  See Jesus.  Things may seem doomed to you.  See Jesus.  Call on Jesus.  Fall on Jesus.  Focus on, and pray to Jesus.  My friend, when all you see is your failures in life, or your pain in life, or you in life...will you ever see the Son of God?

Good news is man, Peter never would have known to the depth that he knew that Jesus is the Son of God had it not been for the waves.  And ya know what?  They were just waves.  But they got him focused on Jesus.  You've got waves man.  And they're just waves.  Let them refocus you on Him.

Prayin'.  

Christ's,

Kevin