I could use some advice...

[JL]

Hello everyone. I felt I needed some advice, so I did a quick search on google and found this site. Sorry, the explanation is kind of long.

   My wife is significantly overweight (that's not exactly the problem though...). I want her to become healthy, and she wants to be healthy. I have tried everything to encourage her to excercise and eat properly. Sometimes she does, but it doesn't last long. She has gotten a lot better about what she eats lately, but she doesn't stick with excercising. Anyway, she is going to get a surgery that reduces the size of her stomach. It's the same surgery that Al Roker got. I was against it at first because I think if she would only stick with the excercise and proper diet she could do it naturally. But after thinking about it I have basicly come to the same conclusion she already had a long time ago, that without it she will forever be on a roller coaster with her weight because it takes a really lot of will power to lose weight and keep it off. And it's really easy to gain it back and have to start over, which is more unhealthy than not having lost it in the first place. There is a small chance of death with the surgery (1 in 200), but without it there is a big chance of a lifetime of medical problems and early death. So I do support her in the choice to get the surgery.
   Her father however is very upset about it. He stopped talking to her. The surgery is days away and she is extremely stressed about the fact that her own father refuses to talk to her. I don't have any statistics, but I'm certain that the extra stress can only reduce her chances of making it through this thing ok. This is the first time her father has stopped talking to her over something. Normally when he gets mad at her he comes up with other excuses to be mad too. This time he is telling people that I owe him hundreds of dollars for a favor he did for me a year ago. No agreement was made, nor even discussed, about anything. He did me a favor, and I thought that was that. Now out of nowhere he comes up with me owing him money. This isn't making things any easier on my wife, and I'm pretty mad about it. I don't know what to do.
Do I give him the money he claims I owe him? We are pretty short on money right now.
Do I stop having anything to do with him and pretend he doesn't exist? This would make the rest of my life easier, but it might result in him staying mad at her even longer, prolonging her stress.
Do I confront him about that fact that I don't owe him money? This could only turn into an arguement, and I can't see how that would help.
Do I tell him that by not talking to his daughter he is only increasing her chances of dying? This would certainly anger him, and result in him and I not being on speaking terms, forever leaving tension between him and his daughter. Not to mention I doubt he would agree to talk to her in spite of me trying to get him to.
Do I ignore the situation and just continue to pray that things get better?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

“On September 11, it would have been six times safer to have been a worker in the Twin Towers than it is to be a baby in its mother’s womb.”

[sincereheart]

As for the weight part.... I didn't hear enough to comment on it and it added many questions. Who is she having the surgery for? Who has the issue with her weight? Has she always been overweight? When she tries diet and exercise, does she diet and exercise alone? What has a doctor suggested?

Do I give him the money he claims I owe him? We are pretty short on money right now.

Yes! Find the fair market value for the 'favor' and pay it. If you can't pay it now, tell him when you can pay it or make payments till the total has been reached.

Do I tell him that by not talking to his daughter he is only increasing her chances of dying?

No! But you might tell him that his not talking to his daughter is only adding to her stress and hurts her!

Do I ignore the situation and just continue to pray that things get better?
No to the ignoring it! YES!!!!! to the prayer - continually!

[JL]

 As for the weight part.... I didn't hear enough to comment on it and it added many questions. Who is she having the surgery for? Who has the issue with her weight? Has she always been overweight? When she tries diet and exercise, does she diet and exercise alone? What has a doctor suggested?

She is having the surgery for both of us. The reasons that she expressed wanting to lose weight were related to health, happiness and feeling more attractive. She doesn't want me to be without her. The reasons that I want her to lose weight are similar, but with the exception of looking more attractive. I want her to live a healthy and happy life, but I don't care about looks. I haven't expressed it much to anyone, but I've been worried that her family would think I am the one encouraging her to get the surgery out of selfish reasons like wanting her to look 'more attractive'. Call me a liar, but I'm not concerned about looks. My eyes see her the way my heart 'sees' her. It's un-deniable that if she lost weight other guys would find her more attractive, but I'm not 'other guys' so it doesn't matter.
  She has been overweight since about 10 or 12 years old.
  Yes, she has tried diet and exercise alone for long periods of time.
  Her doctor suggested exercise and eating properly.

Find the fair market value for the 'favor' and pay it. If you can't pay it now, tell him when you can pay it or make payments till the total has been reached.

I would be perfectly fine with paying the "fair market value". The favor he did for me cost him about 3 hours of his time. Even at $20 dollars an hour the "fair market value" is only $60 or so. He says I owe him $350. I would be glad if I could pay $350 for the problems to go away, but I know that the money issue is only an extra excuse to be mad. Paying it would mean another excuse would be adopted.

...you might tell him that his not talking to his daughter is only adding to her stress and hurts her!

My wife's grandmother, his mother, basically told him just that. It didn't change anything though. I doubt if his own mother didn't change his mind that the guy who married his daughter would be able to.
   Sorry, I guess I'm probably coming to this forum with a problem for which there is no solution other than prayer. I guess I'm just frustrated that she has to go through this.

[Kris777]

Don't be sorry, we can all pray for you.  It helps if you have more people to pray it makes prayer stronger.  Good luck, I think in the end you will find that it turns out Ok.

[Symphony]

I've known someone personally with that surgery.  He definitely lost the weight, was sickly or ill much of the time following.

The New Yorker magazine did an extensive article on this sometime within the last year.  I read it.  'Can't member the title of the article.  But i remember some of the people have gained the weight right back, despite a tiny stomach.

It's a problem.  This first time in history food has been the easiest commodity to get, rather than the hardest.  It's everywhere.  And it's cheap.  And here in America portions have gotten larger, at your typical restuarant.  "Super-sizing it" doesn't help.

The Atkins Diet seems to come highly recommended.  I diet, but I do it by avoiding anything in the evenings.  So I still eat some carbohydrates.

On the money thing, 'sounds like you can't win.  That's a tuffy, when no matter how much to pay, you're still in debt.  That's done frequently to control, not just with money.  And with a father-in-law, hmmmm.  Maybe like the parable of the steward, he would accept half?

Yes, prayer in Jesus' name definitely the place to start.  But this family sounds maybe like your Waterloo.  The quicker you can get unemotionally attached, from any or all of this, the more peaceable for you it will be(it may not be peaceable for them).  I have overweight people in my orbit, too.  Sometimes, they have to decide to do it.  You can help them(by not bringing them things that tempt them), but it's their decision.  I've given up agonizing over it, for them.  If they're an adult, and they want to be overweight, okay.  Some of them are insistent, and demand that you partake with them.  In lots of cases, it's insane.   I've had to recognize it in myself.  I'm the one doing it.  It's not someone else's fault(many times, obesity is a blame game on someone in the person's orbit, and eating is the way to accomplish silent judgement).

I wouldn't recommend the surgery, myself.  I'd recommend changing how I think about  food, and why I'm eating in the first place.   In many cases, that's where any changes need to occur.  One thing I seem to remember 'bout the New Yorker article, people weren't any happier, even tho they'd lost the weight.

For me, eat the largest meal to start the day--with good protein, medium at noon, very little--maybe an apple, in the evening.  It will require a conscious effort. You'll be much happier, I think.  It'll take awhile to adjust to it.  But, go to bed on an empty stomach.  Cravings?  Don't refuse it; just save it 'till the next morning or noon.

     

[Whitehorse]

Dear JL,

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I know this kind of a decision isn't an easy one. I think her father is just terribly frightened of losing her, and even if she doesn't die, this surgery can cause terrible illness-probably putting her at more risk than her weight actually does.

But you do have other options. Ruling out physical problems, such as thyroid problems that can lead to gain, and the use of certain medications that can cause this, many times the reason for overeating is emotional. It fills a certain void or brings comfort, although not in a healthy way. By dealing with the emotional issues that lead to the overeating, and by learning healthy alternatives in the way of seeking comfort and affirmation, she'll be able to increase her willpower. If you need a shovel to dig a hole and all you have is a piece of thread, it doesn't matter how much will-power you have. It won't be effective and eventually you'd give up. This may be the case with her. It may be that she doesn't know the cause yet, or if she does, she doesn't know what alternatives are available. I'd really encourage you to explore all the options and have her go into counseling with a devout Christian who specializes in counseling people who struggle with weight. The surgery your wife is thinking of having is very risky indeed, even if she doesn't die on the table. Whatever risks come with the weight, she'll have more life than if she turns out to be number 200 on the table.

I'll pray for you both, and for her father. Please do keep us up to date on her progress.

Blessings,
Whitehorse

[LMarsh]

I recently saw a show on TBN (Trinity Broadcasting) about a new tape and book thats called....Scale Down, Live it up.  Just looked it up on a google search and its at www.lifeoutreach.org.  A christian website.
It sounded like a "renewing of the mind" concept with biblical principles about getting control over our eating and other bad habits.  
Just an fyi...You and your wife may want to check out the information.
God Bless, and I will be praying for you and your family.
LMarsh

[JL]

As of a couple days ago my wife's father is talking to her again. He said that he's just worried about her and that he loves her. Today my wife went in for surgery not being stressed about her father. The surgery went through without any complications.

Thank you so much for your prayers!

"A new individual is created when the elements of a potent sperm merge with those of a fertile ovum, or egg." - Encyclopedia Britannica

[sincereheart]

As of a couple days ago my wife's father is talking to her again. He said that he's just worried about her and that he loves her. Today my wife went in for surgery not being stressed about her father. The surgery went through without any complications.

Thank you so much for your prayers!

"A new individual is created when the elements of a potent sperm merge with those of a fertile ovum, or egg." - Encyclopedia Britannica

Wonderful news~  

[Willowbirch]

Praying for your wife's safe recovery - so glad her father is not shutting her out as much! Thanks to all who have been responding, it has been uplifting to read your posts!