Favorite Jokes :)

[Ambassador4Christ]

Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The
other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big
red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
 
Sincerely,

Honey Pea

 

[Ambassador4Christ]

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams
in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are
you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says.  "Your finger is
broken"!

 

[Whitehorse]

LOL!  

[Ambassador4Christ]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of  his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:

"Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and I wrote him a check."

 

[Jeeper]

Ambassador those are hilarious Here is one for ya

Three engineers were best of friends well one of them comes into work one day driving a brand new pickup truck.  Well his two buddies thought something isn't quite right here so they asked him "Hey George, how did you afford that new truck?"
George replied "It's a long story but here you go."
"I was just walking out to the mailbox the other day when this real pretty girl came rolling up behind me in this truck."
"She told me to get in she had something I had to see"
So I get curious as to what she has to show me.  We take a few backroads and before I know it we are out in this big open field.  She jumps out of the truck takes off her clothes and then lays on the ground.  She looks up at me and says "Take whatever you want."
"So I took the truck"
His two friends look at him kind of odd then one says "Good call George the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

 

[nChrist]

     

ROFL - Thanks! - I needed those laughs.

Love In Christ,
Tom

[Ambassador4Christ]

Arnold Palmer &Tiger Woods



Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."
 

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Ambassador4Christ,

   Arnold and Tiger.

Here's one I heard on Animal Planet the other day. I told it to my wife and she asked me if I really thought it is funny. Yes, I think it is funny.

Do you know why they stopped making pig pens?










They have a hard enough time with #2 pencils.

I'll run for cover now.

In Christ,
Tom

[JudgeNot]

Mr. BEP, sir - you better run looooong and faaaaaar.


 

[Ambassador4Christ]

Mr. BEP, sir - you better run looooong and faaaaaar.


 

DITTO

[nChrist]

       Feet, don't fail me now!

[JudgeNot]

Feet, don't fail me now!

Mr. BEP, sir - you've talked about 'running like a cheetah' before - here's one just for you.

JN

[nChrist]

Feet, don't fail me now!

Mr. BEP, sir - you've talked about 'running like a cheetah' before - here's one just for you.

JN

Oklahoma Howdy to JudgeNot,

  Brother, that will work fine. (Like a piece of chained down lightning!)

That reminds me of an old movie I watched several days ago on a channel called "TV Land", "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein". I laughed till I thought I was going to cry. Costello needed to run REAL BAD several times, but he couldn't get his feet in gear.  

It turns out that TV Land has a bunch of the really old shows if you need a good clean laugh. My wife and I watched the very first episode of the Andy Griffith Show several weeks ago. We watched another old Andy Griffith Show this week. Barney was giving a bunch of children a tour of the jail and locked himself in without the key. Andy let him out and said something like, "just remember what happens to people who do bad things".  

Love In Christ,
Tom

[Ambassador4Christ]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.   She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.   She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.   That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel  much
better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it.   As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard  conditions.   After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got outand came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.   The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had  been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plowwhen caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue  if she wanted ...
but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and wasgoing over to Target next.

 

[Left Coast]

Three young friends decide to go into the Catholic ministry; they are approved, and become: "Father Flarity, Father Sicola and Father Flannigan."

Years pass and promotions occur. It is "Bishop Flarity", and "Bishop Flannigan"; but still "Father Sicola."

A few more years pass, and it's: "Cardinal Flarity", and "Cardinal Flannigan" --- but still "Father Sicola!"

Father Sicola requests an audience with his superior. He says: "I'm not a vain mahn, ya' knoew; buht me friends r' adVANcin', ahnd I'd be appreciative if ya' c'ld tell me why ah'm NOT?"

His superior's shoulders fell, he took a deep breath; looked down, then looked up again. "Well ah'll tell ya; yer performance has been EXEMPLARY; the people all LOVE ya'; ya've cehrtainly got all o' th' qualifications. But, ya' knoew, once ya' stahrt adVANcin', thar's just no way o' telling where ya' might end UP. Ahnd face it, my friend; it just wouldna' do a-tall, if someday we had a POPE-SICOLA..."