[Dew covered cobwebs.]

Dew covered cobwebs.

Spirit within, you me too, soaring in the atmosphere
new dawn, dew settles upon shimmering cobwebs
who put it there, not I.
He did whilst we slept
He works the night shift day light hours too,
regulating our lives behind the scenes
aiding us, guiding onwards in the knowledge of our world
His world.

This piece highlights a childhood memory of seeing a cobweb twinkling with “diamonds.”

[GOD PROVES HIMSELF]

GOD PROVES HIMSELF

My knowledge of mental illness was very basic to say the least., I had heard of depression, but was not aware of intensity to the depth of despair.

I was catapulted in a very strange and bizarre world. I had just given birth to my son and suddenly life was different, I became paranoid, my house was being bugged. Music and the television spoke to me, I became very interested in emptying my bins on the kitchen floor and trying to figure out what I could recycle.

I went on a walk with my dog on a nearby common, it was dark. I stood on the path looking out over the pond, there was a vision of happiness, there was a brightness a surreal quality to the air. People were walking and laughing, children were giggling.

Directly in front of me across the common, far in the distance I could see the hospital clock tower, I knew within me that I was going there, I didn't know how or when, at that time I knew nothing about psychiatric hospitals.

I began to walk around the common, within me I knew my life had begun to mean something.

I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital an old lady said that I was an angel, I believed her, God had sent me.

I tried to run away, smashing the glass to get a key to for the fire escape. I was in my slippers and dressing gown. I didn’t know where I was going, I just had to get away.

They gave me foul tasting orange liquid, that I refused to take, they asked me to take it for the old lady, who knew I was an angel.

My life spiralled out of control seeming pointless, lurching from one  depressive episode to the next.

On one occasion  I held a vegetable knife in my hand. The knife was covered in blood.  I looked at my left wrist and saw that it was cut and covered in blood too. I looked back at the knife and the blood was gone, so was that on my wrist.

I was terrified  and became afraid to be by myself.

I telephoned a friend who was a Christian and explained and said I wanted to go to church with her. I suddenly felt as if I needed God's help, I could no longer resist my suicidal urges.

I was a nobody,  less than worthless.

I had turned my back on God as a teenager. He was to blame for me being molested by my step-father. I was in conflict, my mind recoiled at the realisation that I needed God's help. I hated Him with a vengeance, but I was scared witless that I would harm myself.

I decided to give God a go, but He had to prove to me that I could trust Him.

Some will say here, who does she think she is? Or how arrogant, it is more complex than that.

I was frightened, frightened of myself, potentially of killing myself. I was frightened to trust myself, I had lost my mind. I was frightened of everyone around me, they wanted to put me in hospital. I was completely frightened of God and what He could do to me.

I read the Bible, people said that what was in the Bible was meant for me too. I didn't believe them, it was for everyone but me.

God showed me carefully and slowly how much He loved me, I learnt to listen to the voice in my head, guiding and reassuring me, without becoming overly anxious.

Life gradually became easier. I wanted others to know.

The more I tried to tell others the harder it became, persuading those around me, I wasn't just simply ill.

I once said I wanted to shout about my life from the rooftops and tell others the truth. I never knew one day my words would be taken literally. I believe they have been, by God.

I wrote about the horrors of my childhood, of the nightmare world of mental illness. Images that I had kept hidden for many years scrawled across the paper. I felt I was purging myself and beginning the long process of inner healing.

I believed that God had given me this gift in order for me to grow emotionally and spiritually. I also truly believed that my words would be used by God to help someone in a similar position to me.

My words became poems, the poems a book, my work was published. I was shouting from the rooftops, no longer hiding my past but revealing, exploring and moving on.

I still didn’t have the faith to realise the extent to where God had brought me to.

I have become more than worthless, a nobody, a victim of society, I have become a child of God.

He has truly helped me to walk away from all that held me back, and people are talking about how my words connect with them. I do believe that my words reach out to others and for that I am delighted.

God encouraged me to overcome my many fears, but, not only that to write about them. My words have taken the power from fear.

I once believed I was more worthless than others to receive the love of God, I didn't deserve it, I thought I was speaking the truth. God said to me, “What makes you so special that you don't need my love?”

Yes my words reach out, as they do to me, but ultimately those words are God's.

Long ago I believed my life had purpose, I wanted to share my story with the world. God has given me a gift, to weave my tale in a way that truly connects and threads together all our journeys to become a colourful tapestry of life.

In my darkest days I never pictured myself today, shouting to all who will hear from the rooftops.

[OUR JOURNEY]

OUR JOURNEY

You came into my life short time ago
although it seems forever, forever I have known you.
We set off together upon our road
our road to recovery, of inner man and mind.
You walked beside me upon that rocky road
guided me around thorny bushes and granite stone
you followed bravely into the jungle within
never with a backward glance.
Once committed you gave your all
I thank you for your guiding arm
you see sometimes I was so blind
blinded, by my inner pain.
You would lead me to a rocky outcrop
and allow me to rest
rest my tortured mind and spirit
however, you would not allow me to wallow.
you would soon have me back on track
clipping back thorny hedges, peering within
I have so much to say about what you showed me there
I cannot do it justice with pen and paper
simply to say you were not frightened of my inner being
as some are, as I am too at times.
You explored that inner world of mine
with honesty, truth and compassion
and dare I say “insight.”
Sometimes I led you up blind alleys
and was confused and uncertain
how to return
but gently you would take me to pastures new.
Sometimes I was on a mission
I knew exactly where I wanted to go
you would follow, perhaps uncertain at first.
Our journey has certainly been an adventure
one I am honoured to say I have shared with you.

Sincereheart  Thankyou so much for your encouragement

[DEVINE LOVE]

DEVINE LOVE

You give me your love, pure essence, freely.
I question you, mistreat you
please forgive me, I am blinkered
I will accept your love, in future without question.

[BROKEN CHAINS]

BROKEN CHAINS

I thought I knew you Lord
But today you showed me, how wrong I was.
I was sitting in a very deep pit
Deep and dark with slippery sides
And the more I attempted
To climb
Those walls
The more I became covered
In sticky secretions
Which further hampered my movements.

I called out to you for mercy
And you answered my call
You came to my assistance
And offered me new life
You sat on the edge of the pit
With your hand out stretched to me
Forgive me Lord
For not answering your call.

I continued to struggle
In the pit of despair
Becoming more and more entrenched
In the filth that was there.
Again and again I prayed
For an end to the pain
But yet I ignored
You and your gift of love.

You have so much compassion
You could not bear to witness
My pain.
So my Lord
You leapt into the darkness
Alongside me
To Comfort me and to relieve me
Of some of my anguish
To fight some of my demons
On my behalf.

Today, Lord
You whispered gently
In my mind.
You chastised me
Sweetly.
You told me You could no longer stay
With me
In my pit.
It was time to move on
Together.

You took my hand in yours
And said trust me
With all your heart.
With your awesome power
You filled my pit with radiant light
And turned it on to its side
Lord you lead me out
By your side

We walked through a green field
And came to a rusty gate
Barred by chains and locks
And barbed wire.
At one word from you
The bolts slid away
And the chains were broken in two.
As we stepped through the gate
It immediately closed
Behind us
And new signs appeared
Saying keep out
Trespassers will be shot.

You lead me through
A spring meadow
Full of fresh green growth
And daffodils
Gently swaying in the breeze
You lead me to a wooden bench
Looking out at a vast lake
You told me to rest
And be at peace at last.

SILENT PRAYER

I kneel at your feet
clasping my hands together
and bow my head.

I whisper my desires
a feeling of peace
envelops me
you whisper in my mind
speaking of love
an eternal love.

The spark within
is ignited.

You speak the truth
according to scripture
so I believe.

You say
the way
is not easy.

Am I prepared
to believe?
To trust,
to have faith
in you.

Forgive me
for wanting to know
the Truth.

You hold out your hand
 grasping mine
you stand me up
and draw me to
your side.

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Website removed due to advertising a book for sale.

Hi

Saphire thankyou so much for checking out the poetess bit.

Lee your testimony is inspiring, I dont think you need to feel that you should condense it into as few words as possible. Although only new here I would say, feel free to speak out.

I will perhaps share some of my poetry over the next couple of weeks.

[The Key]

This is a long poem but I hope you like it.

The Key

Travelling alone
in company,
down
various smoky
 city streets.
 Occasional
village hall
country lane,
local pub.

Seeing architecture
crumbled
brick work
well worn
pavements,
purple foxgloves
intoxicating scent of
tangled honeysuckle.

I recognised all these
they were familiar to me.

A void
 nourished
with chocolate
clothes,
people, “things”
no-one told me
how
to fill
that hole.

One day
I stood
by a
 well worn
door
 knocked,
asked
to enter.

I imagined
 a key
was required.
I saw
numerous
ornate brass
 gold,
 I toured
antique shops
 Bric a brac stalls.

 I was looking in
the wrong place
the key
was a name
 so much more,
how then
to find
the key.

Most perplexing
the more I searched
You,
the Key,
revealed yourself,
to me.

You are the key
the key
to my heart
the key to
the fullness
of life
itself.

The Key.

[/font][/color]

Poetry reflecting life's journey www.freewebs.com/manicpoet/

Hi Maura

Good to hear from you. I live in Rochdale which isn't too far from Manchester, which in turn isn't that far from Harrogate. I have never been myself (driven through though) but I believe it is a really beautiful place full of old buildings.

I have been thinking and reading over the last week of incidents where Jesus, mainly healed, but also in the incidence of Lazerus and the changing of water into wine. People asked from Jesus to fufil their needs but in most circumstances he also asked them to do something first.

In the circumstance of the wine, he asked the people to fill the jars with water.

The man next to the pool he said to stand.

The "healing" of Lazerus he said to remove the stone.

Do you think today it is also the case that Jesus would like us to do "something" or is recieving the something?

I would like to know your views on this.

Thank you all for such warm welcomes. I do hope to become more involved here over the next couple of weeks/months.

Hi

Just dropped in from England. I think God is awesome but I guess all you others here do too. I have grown in some many ways since handing my life over to Jesus, I couldnt believe it when He took it, I thought it was worthless.

I have had 2 poetry books published about my faith and living with mental illness. I would dearly love to break down the taboo there. I hope God will help me build up on my skills and use my words not only to help me but others too.

Apart from that, my dream is one day to get a nice house in the country where I can grow a few veg and keep some ducks maybe, I would love it to be near a river too, bliss.

If you want to know more about I have wrote a testimony too.

My journey to know Jesus Christ was through possibly the same route as many others.

I was diagnosed with Manic Depression in 1990. Over a period of ten years I was in and out a psychiatric hospital frequently, I went through many stages shame, guilt, non-acceptance and now a moving on to gradual acceptance not just of that area of my life but many others too

In 1997 I became suicidal and I believed that if I did not change my life I would end it. I had a friend who was a Christian and I reached out in desperation to God after one of many conversations with her. In the beginning the simplicity of God's forgiveness, was too much for me there had to be so much more, surely I had to do a great deal for God to accept me.

I tried! Becoming iller and iller trying to fathom out grace and what it meant to me, questions and answers constantly going through my mind, all relevant answers tossed away, as too simplistic. The concepts of love and forgiveness lost upon me.

In 2000 I picked up a pen and began writing initially to help me to come to terms with the thoughts, feelings and emotions I was faced with on a daily basis. The words flowed freely and helped me greatly.

It is very difficult to have a mental illness and talk about my faith in Jesus as it was often considered as part of my illness. My poems grew out of my frustration at not knowing who to talk to about my beliefs.

My thirst to write poetry came from many angles, mainly to hear my own voice and have it acknowledged.

Confidence in myself and my poems grew and I began to show them to others. I was told that they could possibly help those in a similar position, and perhaps those struggling to help someone they love. People also told me that they could relate to what they read. For me at that time in my life it was easier to express myself on paper than in actual words.

Exploring my feelings and experiences daily through my writing has enabled to greatly move on my journey from an abusive past to a place where I am beginning to accept life's ups and downs. I believe that God gave me the energy to write the words I  needed to purge the depth of my hurt, Know that my words affect people in many different ways who are of have been in a similar position to me. Mental illness is very much a taboo today as it was centuries ago. I believe that sharing a part of my life and my words will help to change some of the ways that we all regard people with mental health issues in the world today.

People have asked me if I consider myself to be cured, healed or recovered and the answer is no, I believe I am as many of us are, “a work in progress” daily I have the opportunity to look at aspects in my life, how I deal with them is up to, hopefully I will learn something, but if I don't there will perhaps be a chance tomorrow. Are any of us truly healed?

I began exploring some aspects of my life a while ago but I have to say the combination of the power of the pen, the written word and faith has been the most fulfilling.

Through writing “Poems of Survival” I was able to explore areas of my life that I had buried deep into my subconscious like childhood sexual abuse, suicide, abortion and death. Writing them down was difficult but I could no longer run from their profound affects upon me, they needed dealing with.

Due to my past I felt great shame, the publication of “Poems of Survival” blew the lid off this. In airing my life in public allowed me to, eventually, cast off the shame and guilt that I had carried for many years, walls that were built around me and between those I grew up with were smashed. Over time we are beginning to develop relationships, not built upon all that was bad among us. I know this process is a gradual one. My recovery is slow, I understand that God is thorougher so I am beginning to learn patience.

Through my words I am beginning to reach out to others, I am going to groups to talk about my experiences and read some of my poems. The feedback has been encouraging.


My first book “Poems of Survival” embodies a great deal of pain whilst my second “Depression Ate my Soul” is more about moving on.

I will continue to write as I know that God is helping me greatly whilst I believe through my words He is also touching others.