Sometimes I feel like my Christian life has been a roller coaster ride.  I got saved when I was 14... and backslid... and rededicated when I was 17.  Since then, it has been, like I said, one big ride.

No, I haven't always done what the Lord would have me to do.. and I regret it.. but no one is perfect, right?  

In the past 5 years, my life has changed so much.  I got married and I now have 2 PRECIOUS little angel girls.  They are so wonderful - truly gifts from God.  But anyway...

Ever since I had the girls, I feel like my faith has increased 10 fold.  I can see His power and mercy in them every day.  Why do I deserve anything God has for me?  Why should he save my soul?  Why should He give me these 2 wonderfully, healthy children?  I have no clue.

I guess those are my big questions - those are the things that I just can't let go of.  There is no question in my mind that I am saved.  I know the Lord saved me... that's a fact.  I know I love Him so much and the thought of everything He has done, is presently doing, and will do for me in the future is spine-chilling to me.  I just can't get it out of my head that I'm unworthy.

I want so much to have a closer walk with God... and I am trying.  I feel like life is so hectic (and I don't want that to be an excuse).  I know that Jesus didn't make excuses when He died for me...   I would love for everyone to pray for me that I will grow closer to God - BE ON FIRE!!!!!  I want to  be so on fire that I can't stand to stay away from the Lord's house or his people.

I have been reading my Bible whenever I get a chance and when I'm not so absent-minded that I forget and it always helps.  I just want to remember it more and make more time for it.  I feel like I let the Lord down so much in my life... missing services here and there.... screaming at my children/husband.... just one thing after another.  I don't want to do those things.  

One of the biggest questions in my life right now is about the Lord's will for my life... what He would have me do for him.  I LOVE to sing, and I have a considerably good voice.  I absolutely love the chance to get up and sing at church but then I feel really weird when people tell me they enjoyed it.  I feel like that's a sin.  Am I just being weird?  I mean.... I sing because I want to work for the Lord and do something for him but then I feel like I shouldn't be "enjoyed."  I don't know.. it's weird.  Is this normal?  Am I abnormal???

I just love to sing so much.... and I want to sing for the Lord.  A lady at my church even said that it was like angels were helping me sing.  That made me feel weird because sometimes I feel so shaky and scared when I'm there.  Is this the devil making me feel this way?  

And one more thing....  Like I said, I know I'm saved.... but when people start talking about Jesus's return, I have mixed feelings.  It's not that I'm scared of Jesus... I just can't imagine what that will be like.  I feel so unworthy (how can I get rid of this feeling?) and I can't imagine that Jesus would ever see anything good in me. I never want to hear "Depart from me....."  That is a scary thought.  I just have such a wonderful life... I want to grow old with my beautiful children and wonderful husband and have a great life.  I love Jesus so much and the thought of being able to see him and tell him that I love him is a wonderfully, overwheming (and scary) thought.  What would "I" say to the Master, the King???  I just want him to know how much he means to me.  He's done so much for me in my life and given me so much to live for when I feel like I haven't done anything for him.  Will he give me a big hug and tell me that he loves me?  I'm sure He will but I just can't fathom it.  Does anyone else have these mixed feelings about the Lord's return?  Please share.

Anyway... sorry for all the questions.  Please give me any advice you can.  I do want so much to always be found doing the Lord's will and I never want to have sin in my life.  Please help me to know if I'm the only one who feels alone sometimes.