*twitches in frustration*

Melody, I wasn't angry at God.

All right I'll just tell you guys about the incident. What happened was that I was in an ongoing abusive relationship with my boyfriend and my parents were physically and emotionally abusive as well. My faith was the only thing that kept me going. One rainy day in April, I got in a fight with my mom and she kicked me out. I didnt have shoes on and I had nowhere to go except this church near my house. I hid there for the rest of the day, not planning on ever going home again. I couldn't stop crying, and I prayed that God would help me through this and tell me what to do because I felt so lost. I opened a Bible and read the first verse that I saw. I don't remember what book it was but it said "Get up, and get something to eat. Do not despair." So I somehow found the kitchen and got something to eat, feeling so much happier because I believed that God had spoken to me. Then the police found me there. My boyfriend had called the cops on my parents (I had called him earlier at the church and told him what happened) and they were almost arrested.

I did turn to God, Melody.

My loss of faith was gradual and resulted from recovery from this incident and my relationship with my boyfriend. The cause was apathy. I don't know why else I turned away. Now, I resent God, and I don't know the reason for that either. That may be why I signed on to these forums (I don't even know why I did THAT). It might be a cry for help...so...help please. Disbelief in everything is tragic and, honestly, I hate it more than I like it.

~Farrer

I feel better?

Oh yeah. haha. Well the truth is that I worded that wrong. A better way of putting it is that I feel more free to do things and less guilty when I, for instance, use the Lord's name in vain or consider the possibility of another religion. Also the feeling of not being responsible for the death of Christ isn't as encumbering.

Melody, you've been the first person to bring up a good point. I remember that I did question and seek when I was a Christian. But, again, this issue of being brainwashed is all a matter of perspective.

Furthermore, when you question your faith and seek answers you have already premeditated the outcome of your seeking: Christianity is true. The only way to possibly seek answers from an objective point of view is to BE objective. Obviously, all of you have a bias, which is Christianity. Let me ask a question to whomever feels like answering. Would you still seek answers when you completely surrender to the mere possibility that it will prove you wrong?

Melody, I know my extreme apathy is not healthy, but this knowledge does not lead me any nearer to belief in Christianity.

~Farrer

My darling Christians (haha, I thought that sounded funny),

All right, I don't think I can stress enough that I HAVE BEEN A CHRISTIAN BEFORE. I promise I was. I was crazy about it. I think one of you asked me what I would say if God asked me why I thought I should have been let into heaven. I probably would have said that I didn't deserve it at all but I trusted in his promise of salvation that Christ had taken away my sins by sacrificing himself. Remember guys, you have to have faith to get into heaven, not just good works. Hahaha, you should know that. I also know the process of how to get "saved", so just don't bother telling me.

Now, I am agonostic, so I will conceed to the possibility that God exists. I, probably surprising to you, am not afraid at all of my uncertainty. I don't ever want to be so brainwashed again as I once was. And, just so you guys know, I gave it up after a particularly traumatizing time in my life previously this year. No, I was not angry at God for letting it happen to me or something stupid like that, but the certain event mentioned above was the apparent cause of my apathetic disbelief in everything, including God and love, I had once held dear to me.

~Farrer

All right, Tom, let's think about this first. I don't beleive in the philosophy behind Christianity anymore, so obviously I can agree with you that I never "knew" Jesus. If he doesn't exist, I certainly didn't know him.

HOWEVER you probably define a Christian by a person who surrendurs his/her life to Christ, receives forgiveness from his/her sins, and believes that He died for our sins. I did pray that prayer quite meaningfully, and, by your standards, I was a Christian. Believe me, I was very enthusiastic about it and I certainly thought i know Jesus.

Therefore, once again by your standards, I did know him.

Bear in mind, I do beleive in a God or a higher power, no one in their right mind can deny that; I just don't see how that makes Christianity true. I suppose I'm a deist. I havn't really labeled myself.

The reason I signed on to these forums was because I wanted to see what other Christians would say to this, and, I don't know, possibly convince me to go back to it... I won't deny that I do sort of miss that feeling that I belonged somewhere. But it seems that no matter what other Christians say, it always seems to further turn me off to the whole idea; I'm perfectly content where I am right now. I don't like that Christianity forces people into submission, one of the first steps in brainwashing, and how it makes people separate themselves from others, thinking they are better off. Despite the mission work, it's so self-centered.

Heck, I might be like C.S. Lewis and come back to it in a decade or so, haha.

~Farrer

Okay if you want to witness to me, don't scare me all right?   Sorry that was just a little weird. Um, well, I've been a Christian before, a strong one. But then...I drifted away from religion and I found that I felt...better.

Oh yes, and please don't discriminate me because I'm speaking blasphemy or whatever. I just want to have a civil conversation/debate with you guys. If that's okay. Please make sure there is mutual respect.

Hi, I'm new here.

How about this. You all are wasting your lives for something that may not even exist. No, I am not "saved" and I don't intend to ever consider myself "saved" again. I'd rather not pull off of other's ideas and not grow in any way at all. Trust me, it's a waste of time.

Farrer