Hey Wayfarer, I understand how you're feeling right now.. Although I think what they're saying is right.. Just a question though, Is your relationship with Justin God centered?
Maybe it's not the time yet to get into a serious relationship with another person right now and maybe you have spiritual gifts that God want's you to use. I don't know too much about it but God knows what's in your heart. I'll be praying for you, Take care okay? =)

My relationship with Justin is VERY God centered. He began his Christian walk about a year and a half before I did, so we're both learning from and teaching each other many things. Our relationship was created out of prayer and conversation, with each other and with God. It took a long time for us to decide that we wanted to start a dating relationship, and neither of us wants it to end.

Update::

David and I had a talk and I told him what was on my mind. So, the tension that I brought between us was gone. He's still like a brother to me, and our relationship stronger than ever. Justin and I are still getting closer to one another, although the physical distance has yet to be overcome. He's working long hours everyday, so it's rare that we talk, but when we do, we spend most of that time talking about what matters.

Things are looking like they'll be okay. David's hard on himself because he's a Senior in college, as am I, and he really wants to get out. We look out for each other. The joke now is if we keep it up, people are going to start thinking we're related or something. We're just like siblings... it's kinda scary.

But... I think all may be well in Robin Land. ^__^!!  Thanks y'all!

I spoke to my mother on Sunday (9/24), and she brought me up to date on my Stepfather's medical condition.

A few months back she told me that the doctor's at the VA were concerned for his health. In 1999, he contracted TB while in Kuwait. Since then, his liver has begun to fail, yet he will not stop drinking.

When I spoke to Mom, she told me that his enzyme counts had tripled in 13 months and his body is showing all of the tell-tale signs of the sickness. Yet, he does not care. She said that since his two children (from his first marriage) died in 1999, he's given up the will to live, and since I walked out in 2003, he's gone further downhill.

This is the man who made my life hell for almost 14 years, yet when I spoke of him in Church on Sunday night, I broked down and cried. I didn't expect the emotions that I feel now. I am scared for him dying, because I know his sins, I know what he's done (to me and to others) over the past many years. I don't know if he believes in God anymore, and I don't know if he has made right in his soul for all his foul deeds.

I'm also scared for my mother. She's not been alone since she was 17 years old. I don't know what losing him would do to her.

Please, pray for us all in this time. I don't see my Stepfather making it through another year if he doesn't have the will to go on. I don't know if there's anything that can be done to ensure his salvation at this point, but that won't stop me from praying.

I guess the abused is ready to forgive the abuser. I just hope I'm not too late.

Thank you, Pastor Roger. That brought a smile to my face. 

A labyrinth, a maze,
This world.
Dreamscapes of barrenness,
This life.

Creeping vines of discord
Around me wrapped
Pulling tight.

Choking my voice
I cannot cry out
I cannot be saved

Lonely, empty,
This heart.
Shattered, dispairing,
This mind.

Praying for redemption
For clarity
Needing strength

Folded hands upon the pillow
Screams echoing
Nights of darkness and demons

Wandering, hopeless,
This soul.
Distraught, depressed,
This body.

Where is the light?
Where is the saving grace?
Where is the retribution?

Where is my Lord?
Where is my Father?
Where is my Rock of Salvation?

9/22/2006
(c) Robin Shahan

I know it only seems that I come here when I need something, and I'm sorry for that. But sometimes, I can't turn to my Church group here at home because they are all much too close to me and will judge me for what I'm going through.

I've been dating Justin for almost 2 months now (praise!!), and I love him with all my heart. I have to almost the entire three years that I've known him. But the fact that he's a timezone away is starting to wear on my resolve. And it's becoming a tool for Satan to use against me.

After my last relationship ended, the only guy I would let near me was my friend, David, whom I had helped through his recent break-up. I spent a lot of time with him, so much so that he became one of my best friends. To him, I am "Buddy," and to me, he is "Pal." We're just that close... and weird. He's exactly a week older than me (he turned 22 on 9/10, me on 9/17), and he's just a great guy. He's dating a very wonderful young lady whom he is happy as all get-out to be with. I know this. I understand this. I praise this, that he can finally be happy.

But during the time where neither of us was dating, I harbored the dream that he would ask me to be his girlfriend (sad, but true), and when he didn't I understood. David's a great guy, and I would never, NEVER compromise the relationship that I have with him. Not for anything is this world or beyond it.

My boyfriend got a job. After two years of searching and praying and disappointment, he was finally able to secure a position in a store where his skills can be fully utilized (praise!). But, as proud as we are of this, we are also frustrated that we can no longer speak online at night. He has to actually sleep so he can get up for work. I've spoken to him once in the past week, and then only for a few minutes. So, to fill the time, I spend it with my roommate, Julie, our friend Chelsea.... and David.

I think part of me has held on to those misguided feelings for David. I think that the only reason I felt that way was because of what had just happened at the time. And I know that I've put them away, because I know he's my best friend, almost like my brother. But sometimes, when I'm in a low point, the dredge up. I feel that it's a betrayal of Justin, whom I will never hurt (I hope I can keep that promise), when I feel like I do. It scares me that David and I are so close, but he's so easy-going, he's not bothered by it. He knows how I feel. He's known for a while, from what I can tell. I'm just glad that he's not one to exploit, but help.

I guess the problem right now is trying to figure out what I'm going to do. I love the time I spend with David. He listens to me, helps me. And I know that I'm probably wrong in so many ways for spending that time with him since I'm in love with another man. Justin knows about David, knows that he takes care of me. I'm just so afraid that my resolve will break down so much that I'll do something completely stupid that's going to hurt all of us. I never want to hurt them, especially Justin. He doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. He's been through so much hell in his life, he doesn't need it from me.

Is there anything anyone can tell me that might help me make sense of this situation? Even if you just want to smack me in the head and call me a stupid little girl, I'm just looking for some guidance to get me through this maze. I'm falling into pockets of depression again, and I'm just so tired.

I pray every night for the way out of this mess. I pray that God will deliver me and my shattered mind from Satan's grasp... please help me...

I'm about to start work on a new website for my College Church Group (YAE!), and I was wondering if I might be able to put an advert on the site somewhere for the forum here? I may not post much, but I do read, and I've gotten a lot of hope from some of the goings-on in this place.

Please consider my question.

Awaiting your thoughts,

Wayfarer

Far from the cry of the night birds, I lie in my hard bed in my city soaked house. I dream in the night of the freedom of God's country. I long for the place where my heart, soul, and mind can run free.

I work two jobs and attend school full time. My friends hardly see me anymore unless we're at meals together. The only two people who see me with any sort of regularity are my roommate and my friend, David. That's it.

When I started college, I was, in a way, forced into it. So, needless to say, my heart wasn't in it. I wonder sometimes if it ever was at all, even now. I've thought many times of quitting and just finding a full time job until I figure it all out. But, something has always kept me here and kept me going.

On September 18, 2005, I was rebaptized by my pastor, in the witness of my family and friends. Afterward, standing outside to greet people and say goodbye to my family, my father hugged me and told me that he was proud of me. I knew then that there was a purpose for it all. Not just for God, but for my father. I wanted him to be proud of me, if only for a moment or two in time.

Even so, I've stumbled. I entered a bad relationship not long after my baptism, and it did not end well. I thought for the longest time that my life would end. That I would not make it to another sunrise.

Over the summer, I went home to my father's house and began to work. I threw all of me into my job, trying to find a way to keep my mind from going down corridors best left untravelled at the time. My memories would threaten to haunt any down time I had while I had strength. So, I would work myself weary any way that I could, then collapse into exhausted sleep around 2 a.m., only to get up the next day and do it again.

I spoke to two dear and loving friends throughout the summer, Dale and Justin. They kept my spirits up as much as they could, trying to find ways to make me laugh and smile. Sometimes, though, I disdain to admit, they failed. My unrelenting depression was stronger than they were, but not for lack of their trying. '

After one trying night at the store where I work, I came home late, nearly midnight. My father went to bed shortly after I walked in the door, as he had to work the next day as well. Knowing full well that I was on the early shift the next day, I still sat on the couch in the living room, trying not to think, trying not to move. Every part of my body was screaming in pain, from the arches of my feet to the top of my head. Tears threatened to fall with every breath. I leaned my head back against the couch pillow and tried to pray. That's when I heard something.

"Hush, be still. Peace."

Tears fell then as my heart felt suddenly lightened. So many of the worries that were tangled in my mind suddenly unraveled. Troubles melted away. There was a touch of peace in my soul, though I knew that it would not linger. I prayed to God and thanked Him for His Grace and Mercy in my life, and for the way that He reached out when I needed Him most and soothed my aching heart.

The Lord has continued to work in my life since that night, but I have yet to hear His voice so clearly again. I know that He speaks to me everyday, but my mind is so crowded that I can not hear His voice above the din. But, that's okay, because I know that everything will be made clear in His time. I trust in the Lord with all that I am. I know that I'm not the greatest Christian to walk the face of this planet, nor do I strive to be, but I know that God loves me and accepts me... just as I am.

Well, what's there to say other than life is life. No better, no worse than before.

In 12 days, I return to my campus for the first of the last two semesters of my undergraduate years. There's much to be done, what with looking for grad schools and saving as much money as is possible. I'm having a hard time of it, I really am.

My stepmother had surgery on her foot yesterday, so she's about 70 - 80% out of commission for the next 6 months or so. My dad's working as hard as ever at the University, and my sister is beginning her senior year at high school. Everyone is moving on and moving up.

This Saturday, my Aunt Crystal is FINALLY marrying my Uncle Dan. I've found out through talks with my mother that about half the people, if not more, in my high school graduating class are married, and most of them have children. Two of my very best friends are married with children now. And here I am, struggling with a dating relationship.

I've begun, I guess you could call it dating, a man who lives a time zone away. I really don't know how to explain it. We love each other, and I suppose that works, but we're both terrified. No more pain. We began our relationship through prayer and counsel with God, and by discussing what we felt for each other with each other. I believe that this is one of the more solid relationship foundations I've been on. I've been told that beginning in prayer, there's a better chance of this being lasting. I hope that's true.

Anyway, I'm still alive. Still fighting the Devil for every inch of ground I can gain. It's hard to hold on most days, but when I feel like letting go, I reach up to God. My spiritual journey continues, but I feel changes coming over me. Small, yes, but good none-the-less.

I'll return when time is on my side. Until then, God bless you and keep you in His ways. 

I sat down at my desk, pen in my hand, thinking to write you a letter. My heartbeat quickened as I thought of all the words that would flow from me like a fountain. I was proud of my wordsmithing abilities, proud that I could take a language so simple as English and turn it into a veritable work of art. Any subject, anywhere, anytime, I could write without even trying. So today, I sat down to write to you.

From my drawer I took the tablet of paper that I saved for special occasions such as this. It was baby blue with a lilac border on the left side. Psalm 18:2 was watermarked across the bottom right and a white and pink rose watermarked the center. It had been a gift for my last birthday, from my sister. I love it so, and I wrote letters to her on it every three weeks. It was a large tablet, around 200 pages, with matching envelopes and special address labels to go with it. Not a page was wrinkled when I sat down to write to you.

Outside my window the sun was shining. I could hear the birds singing in the magnolia tree in the front yard. One was a mockingbird. The other, I think, might have been a wren. Faintly, I heard the sound of the ice cream truck tinkling its way through the neighborhood. Such memories of that time, of childhood when I didn't carry so much on my heart.

The house was quiet, the kids hadn't come in from school yet. But that was all right. I liked the time just after all the work of the day was done and before the kids came bursting through the front door, assaulting me with math questions and history trivia. This had been my time, my special time to reflect on my life, and what I had thought to do with it.

I looked back down at my stationary, smiling a little. My heartbeat had slowed by then, but it still fluttered within my chest. So many words that I had wanted to say. So many questions I had wanted to ask. I lowered my pen to the paper and wrote...

"Dear God,"

I stopped. Something amazing had happened. My words. My words had fled me. All of the carefully chosen phrases, all of the carefully structured sentences... gone. I couldn't find them. It occured to me then that maybe, just maybe, I hadn't had them to begin with. That maybe I hadn't really known what to say. Because, how do you say all the things that really need to be said?

How do you tell Him that you love Him? How do you ask why He gave His Son, Jesus Christ, to this cold, cruel world to die for sins that were never His? How do you tell Him that you wished that He had never suffered the loss of a child? How do you put into words all of the emotions that you feel when you read the Bible, or sing a song in His name, or sit in Church and hear His word spoken to you, or when you pray to Him? How do you ask Him for forgiveness when you feel that all you've done has been wrong? How do you say and do so many things?

I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks, watched them tumble through the air and land with soft "splats" on my paper. The light blue turned dark, the pink in the rose turned red. I read the words at the bottom of the page. "The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Those words spoke to me then, telling me exactly what I needed to say.

I wiped my eyes, blew my nose, cleared my thoughts, and lowered the pen again.

"Dear God,

Thank you.

Love,

Your daughter."

Bring strength, great God,
To those who love and lose.
For they are the ones left standing,
They are the ones who must choose.

Give life, sweet Father,
To those too weak to stand.
For they are the ones left lying,
To whom we must reach our hands.

Show beauty, graceful Lord,
To those who see nothing but dark.
For they are the ones who are wandering,
Trying to find a pure heart.

Grant peace, holy Spirit,
To those who suffer and grieve.
For they are the ones who are crying,
They must open their arms and recieve.

Send hope, heavenly Patron,
To those who in sorrow do kneel.
For they are the ones who are praying,
They are the ones who know you are real.

Wayfarer (AKA Robin)
~May 1, 2006

I have on occassion. And I've even made it into finals of such competitions, but time restraints have kept me from persuing anything of the sort. 

If you like. 

God wants to bless you, but you may be hindering your own prayers from being answered, and blessings to be poured out upon you.

Please don't take this the wrong way, I am not speaking of my own but I am telling you what the Word of God says.

I am trying to forgive, I really am. It's just hard to do, for all the reasons behind it that I've told, and some that I haven't. Believe me, the strength to forgive is also a much prayed for thing. I've forgiven for most of the wrongs, but some are harder to work past. But I am trying as hard as I can to move past all of it. It's the last step before my total freedom from the pain, I know it is.

Thank you for your kind words.

Let not the grass grow beneath my feet, O Lord.
Let me not to idleness be betrayed.
Instead, let me unto You give praise,
Let me look upon Your face and be glad.

Though trials and folly torment me,
I shall think of You and rejoice.
For in Your presence I will one day stand.
And in Your beauty I will be cleansed.

Forgive me, O Lord, when I stumble.
When my path I do wander from.
I am but mere human, Lord,
Broken, flawed, unloved.

Save by You, Lord of my heart,
For Your love is eternal still.
Never am I alone or denied,
For You are always within.

Bring to me, Lord of Lord's,
Peace of mind at last.
This prayer, this call, this single cry,
Echoes from the heart inside.

I hide my pain from those around
For fear of pity and shame.
But You, Lord God, feel neither for me,
Only love of father to child.

I seek You wisdom, Father Lord,
I pray that You will attend.
Give unto this burden laden heart,
Your love, Your joy, Your will.

~Wayfarer(aka Robin)
 April 27, 2006

Not exactly classic poetry, but it's a style I use regularly. ^_^

I started my membership here with a massive request for prayer for a very difficult trial that I was going through. I'm not sure how many of you are aware of it, but I won't go into it here. But I will thank you for the prayers you offered up.

I've been doing a lot of praying on my own lately, hard as it comes to me at times, and I've come to a few... conclusions. See, I've always had this problem about being alone. I hate it. Yes, I know that I'm never ALONE, because God is always and ever with me, but the kind of alone I'm talking about is romantic of sorts. I thought after this break-up that I'd die, but I didn't. The Lord kept me alive. And now, I'm beginning to feel lonely once more.

The thought that's occured to me is perhaps the Lord is telling me to stand on my own for a while. Brace myself upon my own two feet and see if I find my balance. Thus far, I think I've done alright. He has also brought people into my life that I have been able to connect with on new and glorious levels, such as my roommate for next semester, whom I love and adore. She's a wonderful friend. I've been able to see and do so many things lately, and I'm beginning to thank God that he took me out of that relationship, which wasn't good to begin with, and place me in a position to grow on my own, both mentally and spiritually.

Still, I pray for strength, because sometimes, the darkness gets overwhelming. I no longer pray for a resolution that will never come between myself and the other two involved, but I pray that I continue on the path that God has given me and not turn back onto what might have been. Forgiveness will come, in due time. Until then, I'll live my life for God and for myself.