[Pros:]

Monday 2004-03-01

This day will be exiting, for some gotcha1ed up reason I can not sleep. It all started on Saturday morning when I woke up for a night on the gotcha8. I felt fine to witch I normally don’t do, I’m normally sick for a couple of days after a night out, but in this case I felt fine. I tried to sleep for a bit in the afternoon to make sure I was up for “Boney M” on Saturday night. I didn’t want to get there and falling a sleep at 10 pm. I tried to sleep for a bit but it newer happened. That life sometimes but I felt fine during Saturday night anyway. At around 01:00 I started to feel exhausted but not tiered. I came back to the hotel around 02:45 and went straight to bed. I never slept that night. I was lying in bed until 12:00 on Sunday afternoon and then got up. I was hammered all day but not tiered. On Sunday night I went to bed at 10:30 and got up at 07:30. I recon I slept no more then 30 minutes that night and today I have a blistering headache. Believe you me, this one is bad. During those 30 minutes of my sleep, I dreamt that I was being chased by a spider. The spider was fairly small, and thin and had 12 legs. It had eyes all over its body that expanded in to white balloons when he was chasing me and I tried to run away showing the people around me that I was scared. I walked in to a room and closed the door, but not enough since I was afraid that I would kill the spider in the process. I got in to the room and sat down and the spider came running towards me with all 20 odd eyes expanded in to white balls. And when he reached me from the left hand side and he was crawling underneath me, I woke up. Sweating like a slaughtered pig.

Why is this?

I know that there are a lot of issues in my life that I need to deal with. I currently have absolutely no stability in my life at all. I rent a flat from a mate, and his missies is pregnant and dropping any day now, and I’m sure that they want to sell there flat asap once the kid is born. I have an unexciting sexual life (with my existing missies), but for once I have meet a girl that has more then one brain cell (but I am in a very poorly relationship!). But what to do?. She lives in the most northern part of Sweden. At the moment there are no available jobs in that region (maybe if I fish a bit on the company that I am contracting for tough..) I think for the first time in my life that I need to talk to a priest. I need guidance. For some reason I as terrified of making a mistake, since all I need in my life at the moment is a stable life and environment. What if I make the wrong decisions? What if.. I’m so bloody scared to be honest, but all I want is to be safe and secure in my environment. Is that to much to ask for these days?. I need to start taking control over my life and stop putting my self in to gotcha2ty situations.

I have decided to start writing these letters to my self and I need to create goals and objectives for my life. I even need to break these down to bullet points so that I can start working with these issues straight away. I need closure and stability in my life and today all I have is bloody world war 3.

The time is now 11:00 and I feel gotcha2. What to do, where to start, and who can help me?. I need help and maybe a priest is the answer. Am I searching for good? Probably not but I am so afraid of making a mistake since all my lift I have only been making mistakes. Why is that you might say? I don’t know to be honest, but there isn’t much in my life that I am proud over. I feel that every time that I do something I let other people down. And that I think is the story of my life.

One day I will write down the events of my time in the UK but I am too afraid to do it. I will make so many people discussed and disappointed with some of my actions that it will only lead to another failure on my part.

At the moment I’m debating the option to move to up north where I’m currently am working as a contractor for this company (and this girl lives). I’m scheduled to be here for a few more days before returning to the capital and to continue the work for the same company. But move here? There are always a number pros and cons with something as big as this but to list a few of these issues I guess my short list would look something like this:

Pros:          

County side (big pro)    
Quiet      
Pretty      
Relaxed / Peaceful      
Cheap

Cons:
Can be bloody dull / Nothing to do
No people
Lack of jobs
Lonely

On the other hand it’s a great opportunity to start over and try to get some stability in my bloody life before I do something drastic and end up in a bloody mental hospital with an extreme case of stress and apathy.

I’m scared; I really think that I need to talk to someone that understands the spiritual things of this. I can’t recall me ever talking to someone like that in a serious way but that might be what I want and need since at the moment I am willing to try everything.  But is a priest the right path for me to take or should it be a psychologist?

And if I move well, I’m in a relationship where I am everything but happy, I have never been happy with her to be honest, I just like here parents (sad isn’t it?).

But on the other hand I have left this person once when I moved to the UK and doing so again will I believe cause a lot of painful issues. But it that ok when I feel the way I do? I can’t sit around like a complete twat like the way I do… but why did I get back with here when I came home from the UK? No one knows, not even me…

It’s now 15:41 and the day is nearly over… Tonight I’m supposed to have tacos with “you know who” and I am seriously looking forward to it. But the main question is: is this right? I don’t know to be honest but I can only follow my instincts, but then again history has proven me wrong before hasn’t it?

Talked to me ma for a bit earlier today, she will always support me whatever I do, but what can I do? And you know me if I get hooked on something, well… then I don’t want to wait with it. I just want to go and get it done.

Maybe I need to think about this, but the facts are clear:
Relationship is crap, No flat soon, Empty life, I have meet someone that I can talk to and she actually knows things and is easy to talk to. But then again, I have known here for 3 days know, so if it will stay this way? I have no idée. I’m scared…  

My life needs to change as soon as possible! And I will, believe you me I bloody will!

Does this make sense to anyone that reads it? Don’t know, there isn’t a lot of thing that I know today. Only to quote from a song that I really like:

“I’ve searched so hard for true love, but I only found lust, now all I want is love, someone who cares”

I need guidance, or else I will spend the rest of my life filled with stress and tears.


Thanks for taking the time to read, I’m sure this will leave you with more questions than answers… Thanks again.