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Hello.  I'm a 39 year old married man.  I am a serious Evangelical Christian.  I am relatively well studied, fairly argumentative, but I think (hope) also pretty fair minded.  Some years ago we (wife, kids and I) were members of a church we were being well fed at spiritually.  Things happened and we left, moved far away and life has never really been the same since.  Going back is out of the question.

One of the things I had at this church were friends -- decent, sincere and close friendships with a handful of Christian brothers that provided counsel, accountability, mentorship and just friendship.  I don't have that now and I'm suffering for it.  What's more is that my family is suffering for it also.  I've become both spiritually and physically lethargic.  I work online and in a home office and spend 12-16 hours a day sometimes in front of my computer.  Pornography has become an issue.  So has serious overeating and a tendency to avoid social situations.  I have sometimes spent up to two weeks or more never leaving my home.  My temper is short; I snap at my wife and kids regularly.  I have no relationships at this point outside my own immediate family and three of the four of them are under eight years old.  I do go to church sometimes, but it is not a place I'm fed at and it is also not a place that is particularly welcoming -- though to hear them talk, you'd think so!

I'm looking for friends and mentors that might speak to some of these issues candidly.  Whether you come with Scripture or life experience or maybe you're even in a similar boat, I'd like to start some friendships by email.  The obvious answer to my problems is to stand up, walk out the door and do differently, but for those of you who understand the nature of addiction, you know how difficult such simple things can be.  So I'm starting where I currently am:  Online. 

I await your replies.  Please email:  needing_more_christ@yahoo.com

In Christ,

d

Hello NMC, and welcome to Christians Unite forum.  There are several threads, here on C.U. where this has been a topic.  Below are a few of the threads.

Christians Spotlight Important Issues (http://forums.christiansunite.com/index.php?topic=8840.0)

Make Your Voice Heard (http://forums.christiansunite.com/index.php?topic=7548.msg100550#msg100550)

Formidable Weapons Against Porn (http://forums.christiansunite.com/index.php?topic=6827.0)

All these links are here on Christians Unite forum.

NMC

Welcome to CU!

I have found this place to be more welcoming than some of the churches I have attended. I am thankfull to God that I have a church home and even though every church has some issues......I refuse to move or be swayed from the loyalty to the body I am now a part of. I have had to adjust and take on different rolls even but still an active and loyal part.

I find now in hind sight that the church is what you make of it. I go to worship God, and for fellowship with my brothers and sisters. I may not like them all, but I certainly love them all and would do whatever I can to help, even just listen.

Porn addiction is almost as difficult to break as drug addiction. Harder I think, since there are few symptoms, and one can feel as if it is hidden. All hidden sin is seen by Christ who wants to forgive us for it, but we have to do our part, and want to stop, and want to be forgiven. I think the porn addict secretly is disgusted by the addiction and yet can not turn from it.

The only way to truly beat porn is through Jesus. Brother give it to him, rely on him for strength and pray pray pray pray!!

Add a content filter to your system and give your wife the privilege of setting the password. Takes time to get all your websites added so the content filter won't stop the ones that are harmless but it will help.

Guard your mind...........when those images and thought creep in....PRAY!!! its your only defence.

Stay strong Brother, In Christ you will prevail!

Amen Brother.

NMC, welcome to CU, the fact that you have publicly admitted to having a problem and requesting help means that you are ready to fight back and reclaim your life. all the advice Rook gave you is good, now the first step may be the hardest. Just do the work you have to do on your computer and then shut it down, spend more time with your family and most importantly with God. Go to Him in prayer, He already knows everything, and He is waiting for you to come to Him. It will probably be very hard, but thank God that He is Faithful, and He will help you. There are Christian web sites that offer some good help such as Focus on the Family and Marriage Today. If you feel you want to be on the computer, visit Christians Unite we here are willing to pray for you and give you sound Biblical advice.
Talk, take walks with your family, play family board games, have small Bible studies with your family. Look for ways to spend your time other than at the computer.  Remember you are the leader of your family and it is up to you to be there for them all the time. This addiction can tear families apart and cause a lot of heartache to all the members.
I will be praying for you.

NMC,

Let me say first and foremost I will be praying for you. 

Satan fights a dirty fight and once he has a Christian in his grip he fights relentlessly to keep hold.  He knows that he has turned a person from a good witness into one who is causing the "name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles" (Rom 2:24)

There has been some good advice here already.  And I am sure that you will feel the temptation to not come to this forum.  Satan will plant thoughts into your head about how we do not know anything and how you have your problem under control.  And you may even "appear" to be doing better.  But if you sit back and take a deep look at it you will find that you are actually consciously forcing yourself to "appear" better.  This is the hold that Satan has. 

One of the first things you need to do is to pray.  Pray to God for strength and for wisdom.  The Bible tells us that if we seek wisdom we shall get it.  If we seek God, He will come.  Then you need to be honest with your spouse and let her know that you are fighting a spiritual battle right now and that you need her prayers as well.  Do not seek her consent, ask her to point out to you when you may not be doing the will of God.  If she is more in tune that you are at the moment let her also be your guide.  And join with her in prayer.  Let her pray with you and as one you both come to God as He intended.

Get your Bible and open it up to Ephesians Chapter 6.  Take a look down at verses 11-18.  I am sure you have heard of the Armor of God.  But look at what it says.  With the armor of God we are able to stand against the wiles of the devil.  We are told that we are night fighting a battle of physical conflict but a spiritual battle, one that takes place inside us and around us.  The fight you have also creates a fight within your loved ones.  It is no longer your battle but theirs as well.  Notice that the we are to take up the armor but there are only a few things that Paul says we have to actually "take up". 
v14: Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness
- A saved person already has on the covering of truth.  You have the truth in you, the truth of Jesus Christ as the savior and your Lord. 
v15: And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace
- You as a Christian are already prepared to walk the walk of Jesus.  Notice it specifically states that it is in preparation and not doing. 
v16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked
- This is the first part of the armor that you do not already have.  This is the part of  armor which you must pick up.  Our faith is the key point to protecting us from satan.  It is by our faith that we do all things in supplication to the Lord. 
v17 And take the helmet of Salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God
- Let us not that salvation is in the form of a helmet and not the shield.  If our salvation was the shield then we would hide behind it.  Basically allowing our sins to continue while knowing we have the shield of salvation to rest upon.  This is where you are currently at.  If you are a saved person then you are using the helmet of salvation as a shield.  You continue to sin, knowing it is not the will of God, but your own will.  Salvation is to be a helmet because we see that we are to keep every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.  We have our thoughts in our head and Christ is our salvation thus our thoughts are confined within the helmet of salvation.  If we keep our thoughts captive then they shall never shine through the helmet. 
And finally the sword of the Spirit.  Which is the Bible.  The best way to fight Satan is through the truth you already know, by using your faith to study the Word of God, and to keep every thought captive to Christ.  You will shield yourself from the fiery darts and get yourself to wearing out the shoes on your feet in spreading the gospel of peace.

There is nothing easy in what you have to do my friend.  It is a hard road and can be a long road.  But it sounds like you have yourself on the first few steps.  Honesty with the family is vital.  God joined you and your wife and it is to be you and her that present yourselves as one body to Christ.  You should be in prayer and study in the Bible and seeking God's help.  I recommend James as a great book teach of controlling our actions.  Remember that what affects you also affects your family.  And you may be willing to stand up and fight anyone who comes along and threatens your family.  Now just realize that you yourself are threatening your family and you can see the fight you have coming.

Although some people may not agree I would recommend checking into some reading by Niel Anderson.  When I had problems with gambling and deception it was his insight that helped me recognize many things about myself as well as my relationship with God and my family.  There were two series that I read of his, Victory Over the Darkness and Bondage Breakers, that were very inspiring to me. 

And NMC if you would ever like anyone to talk to or to email with please feel free to send me a note.  I will continue to pray for you and your family. 

Sincerely
Brother Jerry
brotherjerry@brotherjerry.com

Rook, Airlam, Gary, Brother Jerry -- thank you all for your thoughtful and sincere comments.  I am very blessed in that I do have a wife who I am honest with and we are both well aware of each other's issues.  I have learned that it is important for us to be accountable outside our marriages as well, but I suspect that nothing can replace the value of an honest relationship with your spouse.  Some years ago I saw a pastor friend of mine have his marriage just fall apart over porn, but ultimately it fell apart over dishonesty, hiding, sneaking; by the time the brother came clean with his wife, she was only reasonably unable to trust him and felt terribly betrayed.  Thankfully I'm not really at risk there, but porn itself remains insidious and does much to tear down the mind and spirit even when it is not immediately ripping a marriage apart.  Porn though is much more a symptom of my overall issue than the issue itself.  Truth be told, a favorite Christian blog could easily do similar harm if it began eating up too much time.  The primary issue I have is that I've allowed my computer to just generally take over my life, sitting at it far longer than what is necessary to do my job.  While all the advice in this thread has been pretty good and Brother Jerry provides a very good start for fighting spiritual warfare, probably the most immediately poignant advice is Airlam's:  Just do the work you have to do and then shut it down.  I did that for the first time in quite a while today and found myself face-to-face laughing with a silly four year old who was very glad to have me not working.  Thank you all.

Congratulations Brother, for taking the first step in taking back what satan has stolen from you.   :D :D
Thank you for the update Brother, you have started your battle and I believe that you can do it.  :D 
You are very blessed to be able to support your family and stay at home with them
It was probably very hard to just shut the computer down and enjoy the blessings that you have all around you ( your wife and children). And to enjoy some fellowship with God. Challenge yourself to stay away from the computer a little longer each day, and when temptation comes again (it will) shut it down real quick and go to your prayer closet. Remember you are the head of your family and where the head goes the body will follow. Just as we the Body of Christ should be following Him. If we stop stop obey Him pretty soon we find ourselves out of fellowship with Him and an easier taget for all the calamities that will undoubetly occur.
I will continue to pray for you

AMEN!!! Air

And praise God for the extra minutes you had spending it with your family.

I spent a couple of hours at the hospital the other night saying goodbye.  I said good bye to a woman who was an adoptive mother to me.  My friends and I used to hang out over at her house ALL the time.  She did not even know I was there as cancer and medication had her wiped out.  Her adoptive family was all there (all my old friends).  I looked around and the only prayer that I could have was in thanks for my salvation and to pray for each and every one of my old friends in that they would find salvation, for none are saved.  I then prayed right then and there for each and every one of them.  And the woman that helped raise them, for I knew she was lost or had strayed very far away.  She went to meet the Lord that night (I can only pray that she did get to stay with the Lord).  Her family getting to finally say good bye. 

All that said we as the head of the household have to not only maintain our spirituality but we are responsible for the spirituality of our children.  If we live a life that is devoid of Christ then the odds are that our children will not, and their children as well.  As it is written "The sins of the father...."  There is but one sin of the father and that is to ignore The Father.  It is not just that we are born with sin nature but perpetuate a sin nature.  I am so joyous that you were able to take that time with your daughter and I pray you continue to develop that time and be the spiritual leader you can be in Christ.  And unlike my scenario above, the legacy you leave behind is one of great followers of Chrsit and not lost souls.

Sincerely
Brother Jerry

Brothers and Sisters,
It is wonderful to be a part of this discussion of encouragement!  Praise Jesus!  NMC, brother know that you will be in my prayers!  Brother may I add to this discussion that our Lord always provides a way out of our temptations and may you always remember Ephesians 6:11 (putting on the full armor of God).  Dream Weaver once suggested something that I continue to remember to this day.  Memorizing a verse from the Bible and when tempted, repeat the verse over in your mind.  It has helped me with a lot of different temptations I have faced. Also brother, remember that there is our daily earthly work, and then there is our daily work for the Lord............  Blessings to you!
-Am-