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I know this site is just for men. but maybe I need a mans view point. I really need a man to talk to that has been unfaithful to his wife , and dosn't seem to know why. I have read all the books on lust issues, I guess I need to hear it from someone else, that it isn;t about me.I promise no male bashing. I just need help understanding if there is any understanding.

Hello Scared,

I don't fit everything you wanted because I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and I never will be. I've been married to the same Christian woman for over 33 years. She will be and is my only wife and love of my life. If something ever happens to her, I will simply be alone, but with other family members and JESUS.

I'm probably a very old-fashioned person who took the marriage vows before GOD very seriously. I would consider a violation of those vows as a sin against GOD. If my wife was unfaithful to me, I really don't know what I would do. In my heart, I think that I would try to get Christian counseling, try to forgive her if that's what she really wanted, and try to make the marriage work. However, it would tear me up, and I don't know if things would ever be the same again. Regarding continuing unfaithfulness, I would not tolerate that. I would have to get a divorce. Life is simply too short to deal with continuing adultery.

I do consider marriage to be a Holy Covenant before God, and I would not consider lust to be an excuse to break that Covenant.  Regarding third, fourth, and more chances to the offending spouse, I don't believe that God ever intended us to live with that kind of misery. We must remember that the Old Testament penalty for adultery was death. Please - I'm not hinting that the offending spouse should be killed, rather just illustrating how serious the offense is. I would probably try everything within reason, but I would not live with continuing misery and sin. I would consider continuing adultery to be like living with the devil and letting the devil control part of my life.

There's two cents worth.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Ephesians 2:19-22 NASB  So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and are of God's household, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the corner stone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, is growing into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you also are being built together into a dwelling of God in the Spirit.

Hi scared,

I have been fortunate enough to have not dealt directly with infidelity but have counseled those that have. There are many reasons that a person does these things but it all boils down to sin. Without the help of God sin can get a hold on us and make us do things that we would not otherwise do. When I say we I mean either husband or wife in this case. It is giving in to that sin desire (temptations).

What you need is a face to face counseling with a good Christian counselor. If you have not yet gotten good Christian counseling then I strongly suggest that you do so. It is important that both you and your husband seek this counseling in order to get through this together and to obtain the answers that you seek.

 

Hi Scared,
Most all men that I have ever met are guilty of adultery – though I dare say there may be a few (very few) who may be innocent of the sin.  

You see, Jesus said:
But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Matthew 5:28

Is the physical act more serious than the mental act?  To us mortals it is, but not according to Jesus.  However, by Biblical standards physical adultery is a ‘divorceable’ offense, whereas mental adultery (since man can’t read man’s minds) is not.

Is your husband repentant?  If he is, do you have any choice other than forgiveness?  If not, do you have any choice other than divorce?  Are you as pure (including mentally) as you wish him to be?  These questions may only be answered, as Pastor Roger suggests, through prayer and counseling.  

Don’t be scared.  Rest assured that God has everything under control.  Use prayer and counseling to help identify God’s plan for working this out one way or another.  It won’t be easy.  By nature we want to work things out according to our will rather than God’s.  This causes depression and anxiety because it separates us from Him.

Sorry scared, I can't help you. I was faithful to my wife, while she was alive. In fact, I am still faithful to God since I haven't lusted after another woman, since her death. I took the marriage vows before God very seriously.
Matthew 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who so much as looks at a woman with evil desire for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Frankly, I don't think there is a "male" point of view on infidelity.  There are common excuses but that is all they are.

Infidelity is not a reflection on you but a reflection on your husband.  Let us use an example.  People all over this world are unfaithful to God, they bind themselves to other gods, they commit spiritual adultery.

Does that reflect that God isn't good enough so they must get something that God isn't capable of giving them? No, of course not.  Neither is your husband's unfaithfulness due to you, he might say it is, you might feel it is, but that doesn't make it true.  He is the one who chose to sin.

I am not saying you or your relationship with your husband have been or was perfect right up to the moment he was unfaithful.  You are a human and I am sure that you too have fallen short at times.

I don't think using other's shortfalls to justify our own actions is limited to either men or women.

We can go right back to Adam and Eve.
Genesis 3:11-13 NET
(11)  And the Lord God said, "Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"
(12)  The man said, "The woman whom you gave me, she gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it."
(13)  So the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" And the woman replied, "The serpent tricked me, and I ate."

See what Adam did, it wasn't his fault it was the woman and even God's fault.  Eve's reaction the same, it was that old snake.

We inherited our natures from Adam and Eve and instead of admitting our sins, our impulse is to do exactly the same thing-blame anyone or thing other than ourselves.

I hope that helps you,
Marv

Hello Brother Marv,

You are completely correct unless we talk about the Biblical point of view. I can't really imagine being unfaithful to my wife or my wife being unfaithful to me, so I would quickly say that God has richly blessed my marriage. I also have just an imagination about what misery and pain a situation like this would cause.

From a Biblical perspective, I would simply say that every man with a Godly woman for a wife should treasure her and give thanks. The same would be true for a woman with a Godly husband.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Romans 5:8-9 NASB  But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him.

I am not sure what there would be to talk about if the man hasn't a clue as to why.

James 1:13.  "Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:
 14.  But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.
 15.  Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.
 16.  Do not err, my beloved brethren."

ollie

WONDERFUL WORDS OLLIE!  I just hope Sister Scared comes back and reads the post..... I haven't seen her since she came asking for help.  I sent her an Instant Message but she hasn't replied....

Blessings -

I'm not sure why we are unfaithfull. Perhaps it has to do with our sin nature and our rebellion to submit; to be content with what we have. As men we are visual, and tend to pick up on the the things that we perceive pleasurable. Many times we admire what we don't have, without realizing that what we do have is more valuable, and complete. Maybe we are unfaithfull because we are unhappy with ourselves and don't know how to change, or haven't submitted an area of our lives that the Lord wants to heal.

Scared I don't know if you are still reading on this topic of infidelity, but  I would like to talk with you about this.  For I was drawn away from the warm and comforts of my wife.  Its hard I know, because now that Satan has achieved in leading me astray, from the one that i truly love, I have battles of insecureties, depression, and I'm
in constant fear that, I will lose her to someone else.  I hold tight to my lord and savior, I have also started seeing
a marriage counselor.   Stay strong and remember that the lord will lead you into the way that he wants u to go.


                                                                                                     Please pray for me and my wife.
                                                                                                         that I may be able to give her
                                                                                                          the space she needs to recover.
                                                                                                           [mislead]  There is no excuse, we
                                                                                                            failed.  May the lord forgive us!















                                                                                                                                                   

Hi Mislead,

Welcome to Christians Unite. I look forward to having some wonderful Christian fellowship with you.


My prayers are with you and your wife. Such times as this can be really difficult. If you are truly repentant and confess your sins the Lord will be faithful and just to forgive you your sins. I am glad to hear that you are getting counselling. I sincerely hope that it is with a good Christian marriage counsellor.