ChristiansUnite Forums

IF A HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON HIS WIFE AND YOU KNEW ABOUT IT, WOULD YOU TELL THE WIFE???

My parents were divorced when I was eight years of age, due to my father's continuing infidelity. I cannot tell you what kind of pain that causes.
I do not know that I would tell the woman, but I would prayerfully confront the man, urge him to repent of his sins and to confess them to God and his wife. If he refuses, then go back to him with one or two others, witnesses, and confront him again.
If he still did not repent, I would then tell her, very carefully and prayerfully. I think that is best.... But then, I am no expert.

Amen LittlePilgrim.


GKB,

Those that go directly to the wife as a first step are instigators of trouble, whether they purposefully intend to be an instigator or not.

Jesus teaches us in Mat 18 : 15 - 18 how we are to deal with a brother that does wrong to us, which is the steps that LittlePilgrim mentioned. I do believe that this should apply also if we see a person doing wrong to others as we are told to admonish our brothers that are unruly.

 

I agree with Pastor Roger.  As a missionary here in Guatemala there are many people that honestly believe it is okay to have a lover- Christians included.    I have had to confront this time and time again, and thankfully we ahve got couples back together again through prayer and counselling.

praise the lord mills!

I think it would depend on your age and the woman's age.  If she is 20 years older than you I think you should send a older woman.  I also think that if you are a guy you should send another woman.

No, I deffinatly would NOT approch the women (if you ment the wife by this)

Here is how I understand this situation and the way to go about it.

If you have factual knowalge of a wrong doing of a fellow believer, you should in prayer and love rebuke him (or her), if they will not hear you, bring 2 or more brothers and sisters with and again rebuke him (or her). then if they still will not hear you, brith your church leader into it.

Ultimatly you obliation it to the sinner, not the one they sinned against. God WILL hold you accountable if you do not rebuke a fellow believer. Speaking to anyone else regarding the matter (other than fellow believers that assist you in the rebuke and your church leader) is straying into the relm of gossip, so if yu go to anyone but the sinner, it is "out of bounds" I would promote continuous loveing pressure for this person to turn from his sin, and confess to his wife.

I'll be praying for you. this is not an easy situation.

Most definetely!

If I barely knew them, I might think it is none of my business. If I considered them friends, I suppose I might think it is my duty to bring it up tactfully.

I won't try to tell you one way or another as to what you should do, but if it were me (and I have been in a similar situation) I feel that the wife deserves to know the truth, but that the truth should be told as gently as possible......even if it hurts.  There are some sexually transmitted diseases out there that I wouldn't wish on anyone.  There is also ways to still save the marriage if help is sought in the early stages.......even though it would be grounds for a divorce.  This is something that is very, very damaging to a marriage and put the marriage in high risk to end in divorce........especially if help is not sought in the early stages.  Also, even though the truth would hurt and I would be angry towards my husband, I would want to be told if my husband was cheating on me. 

I have a brother who has chosen the homosexual lifestyle despite being raised better than that and taught that it's wrong.  My brother now deals with AIDS and requires medications that costs over $1000 a month just to stay alive.  It's a horrible disease that he has brought on himself by his lifestyle, but it would bother me to no end if an innocent person got such a disease because their spouse was cheating on them.  I have seen my brother go through things that make me gag just thinking about them because they are so gross.  I would not ever want to see an innocent person experience that......it's bad enough when the person brought it on themself with full knowledge that they had put themself in high risk for such a disease.  AIDS/HIV is not only part of the gay society......it's so widespread that it's everywhere where proper precautions to prevent it are not taken and affects those who are straight as well as the homosexuals.

I agree with saved by grace.  I also believe there are times to follow the steps the Bible tells us to in confronting sin in anothers life.  But this situation, possibly speading deadly diseases to his wife, I think needs to be addressed immediatly.  I wouldn't do it though if I didn't have 100% proof that he was cheating.  Just guessing or assuming can cause such a big mess. 

your brother in Christ,

Bill  ;D

Ahhh.....good point.  Yes, addressing the husband as well once solid proof has been established would be the proper thing to do. 

In the case that I was involved in, the guy tried hitting on me and I found out by accident that his girlfriend that he spoke of was someone who I have known for a long time and who knew me as someone who would speak the truth.  I was at her home when he walked in the door and got a funny look on his face when he saw me.  When I later spoke to the gal about what took place between her boyfriend and I, she noticed the looks that were exchanged between her boyfriend and I the second that he walked in the door and was introduced to me.  I didn't tell her right away, but when she told me about how their relationship has changed, mentioned some of the behaviors she had noticed, and then asked me if I thought he was cheating on her, I couldn't lie to her and I told her in detail the conversation that I had with her boyfriend and I left it at that.  I told her what he had said to me and how he tried to hit on me......wanting me to go out with him and how I told him that I was married.  Granted, my marriage has issues of it's own, but I will not be unfaithful to my husband in that manner. 

I also think that if at all possible, that a guy or maybe even a couple guys in some cases confront the husband and that the wife may respond better to a woman breaking the news to her.  I also believe that the confrontations need to be based on the facts and not clouded with one's own thoughts and opinions.  When people start adding their own thoughts and opinions, the truth has a way of being stretched and made into something that isn't true.  Similar to playing the game "Telephone" where you whisper a phase to the next person in line and the last person is to say the phrase out loud......It's not always what it started out as being. 

I tend to disagree.  There is a type of connection there that isn't there if a woman speaks with a guy or if a guy speaks to a woman.  I can speak to a guy and have him not understand, but if another guy says the same thing to the same guy it's like he seems to understand.  I've seen it happen and therefore I would think twice about sending a woman to address the guy.

Also, what would stop the guy from trying to hit on the woman that was sent to address him?  Some people don't care what other people think.  The idea of speaking to a guy without another guy present is one that would scare me because of something that has taken place in the past where a guy from church became obsessed with trying to build a relationship after having a innocent conversation with him just to include him and make an effort to get to know a little bit about him.  Before I realized what was happening this guy started following me everywhere and would know every place where I have been throughout the week.  He had also been seen standing outside an apartment building where I lived at the time like he was waiting for me to come out.  I later discovered that other people have had similar issues with this guy........after it was already too late.  I ended up moving away, attending a different church, getting married and having children of my own before I could visit/attend the church again and have him leave me alone. 

There are some creepy people both within and outside the churches and proper caution needs to be taken.  People of the same gender as the person being addressed just seems more acceptable to me.  It's not fun being stalked by a guy who is obsessed in trying to persue a realtionship that just isn't there.

Scripture is explicit as to how to admonish a sinner (and age difference is not mentioned). Rookieupgrade1 pretty much summed it up.

If you are doing anything about it other than what Scripture teaches, you will be held accountable in part for the disastrous outcome.

Tell the spouse? Nowhere does Scripture say we are to confess others' sins. Each one of us is called to confess our own sin to the Person and persons sinned against. And ALL sin is sin against Holy God. Getting right with Him through confession and repentance allows God to pave the way for you to get right with your fellow man.

Len,  you're absolutely right.  God does have guide lines for us to follow.  But the truth of the matter is, they're guide lines.  Not every situation in life is covered in scriptures.  But you can find help for every situation in life.  God wants us to hear His "heart".  Sometimes we take His word and miss His heart.  What is God's heart in a situation like this?  I know I would end up talking to the man with or without more witnesses.  But I also know I'd talk to his wife who has just as much right to know as anyone else.  She is just as much a part of Christ and His body, as he is.  This isn't "don't let the right hand know what the left hand is doing" kind of thing.  We're dealing with real human life.  Truthfully, if I didn't know them, I would have a hard time saying something.  But if I knew them personally, I would speak.  Love one another.  Love comes in many shapes and sizes.  But it always has His heart in it.

Love your brother in Christ,
Bill   :)   

Yeah, Bill, I have no problem with what you're saying. I'm quite sure we're on the same page.

What I was getting at was this. If we follow Scripture in approaching this unfaithful spouse, and he truly has a heart to get right, he will likely feel the lead to beg his wife's forgiveness.

And I strongly believe a man should confess his own sins rather than someone "ratting" him out. It is part and parcel to full reconciliation to God. If this guy does not repent, it will become obvious to his wife what has happened by way of church discipline.

JMNSHO. :)

.

Yes Len,

I'm sure we are.  I'm in agreement that God's word should be heeded.  It shouldn't be taken lightly.  And as I said before, it's His guide line for us.

May I make a comment or two about what you said?   :)

My observations about someone who " truly has a heart to get right" and truely repent, is that they're ready no matter what.  No matter if someone is "ratting him out", as you've said.   I've been there before.  When I was ready, it didn't matter.  Because I was repenting.  My repentance was to my Father.  Seeking forgiveness was with another person.  Or in my case, persons.  I don't believe protection to another human being, whether male or female, is "ratting them out".  I believe we are a body.  If the people involved are believers, which saddly happens, then I have a responsibility to another part of His body.  The same body I belong to. 

I'd like to through another twist to the situation.  If I may...   :-\

Suppose it was your daughter who was being cheated on.  Would you leave her out of the equation?  Would you talk to your son in law first and tell him that you weren't going to tell his wife (your daughter) about the adultery, but was going to go the "CHURCH".  So he'd better repent.  I hope not.  I hope your love for your daughter is stronger than that.  Please don't be offended by my words.  Please hear my heart.  She has a right to know.

In my experiences about matters like this becoming evident, they do.  It will become evident, eventually.  And possibly the damage, disease, has already transfered.  But that shouldn't matter to how the situation is handled.  I think. 

About begging forgiveness.  I've was in an abuse class for two years.  God showed me so much about my sin.  About the damage I'd done.  About "begging".  About humility.  About repentance.  About mercy.  About grace.  Precious grace.  And about His undying, unending, unconditional, love.

About "begging".  Not right.  :'(  Not good.  :'(  Seeking forgiveness.  ;D  Showing that you've truely repented.  ;D 

Once trust is broken that deep, it's truely hard to get the forgiveness one "seeks".  Not impossible, just hard. 

And I believe that the only thing that "is part and parcel to full reconciliation to God", is his heart condition.  Is he repenting, or just swollowing his pride?  Like I said, if he's truely repentent, I believe nothing will change his heart.

I hope I haven't offened a brother in Christ.  I hope I haven't came across like "I know it all".  I don't.  I am nothing apart from Him.  I only want to share what God and His word means to me with my family.   ;D

your brother in Christ,

Bill
       



     

Oooooo! Bill! Good "fer instance".

Once a blood family member is involved, circumstances are a little different. A dad has an obligation to his daughter to protect her a long as he is physically able. A good dad will go to the son-in-law first, talk and pray with him, plead with him to repent and confess before it goes one centimeter further. If the son-in-law does not, then, because of the dad's obligations, he should approach his daughter having been "prayed up", and as gently and lovingly as possible let her know. But anyone outside the family doing the same thing before the husband makes the decision, well, to me, it smacks of evil. And we are to avoid even the appearance of evil.

Now this is a generality. I'm sure you and I could both come up with scenarios in which variations on the same theme should be followed. And you are quite correct, God's Word is a guide to us. Any time we deal with this MOST difficult of ALL family issues, prayer is critical. The Holy Spirit MUST be the Leader. Otherwise, families can be destroyed without hope of reconciliation and our God is the God of reconciliation. That is, after all, what salvation is all about.

Hi Len,

I hear that.  Once an immediate family member is involved, it is different.  And a lot more emotional.   :'(    I just wonder though, how does our Father view these things?   :)   I know He understands the differences we face when it's our own flesh and blood that are involved.  But does He see it like us?   Aren't they all His children?  Sons and daughters?  Wouldn't He feel the same as we would about our own flesh and blood?  Makes me wonder.   :)  I just don't know. 

And I only brought that scenario in because, well, we are family.  We are brothers and sisters and part of one another.  I know it's probably impossible to feel the same about our brothers and sisters in Christ as we do our own flesh and blood, but I thought I'd just through it in anyway. 

I appreciate your kindness and insights.  Prayer is critical.   ;D  How could we do it lovingly without prayer?  Without communion with Him  ??? Following His guide lines the best we know how is important.  Waiting on Him for His direction and word and Spirit.  A must.   ;D     

I'm not used to differing with others.  Well, I guess I am used to differing.  Just not to talking about it much.  Seems like I usually get shot down.  That's what the past has been for me anyway.  Thanks for throwing this around with me.   

Hope to talk with you some more.   ;D

your brother and friend in Christ,
Bill

Brother Bill,

A lot of our discussions don't boil down to who's right and who's wrong, rather everyone learning something from various views. We can talk about hypothetical situations and not be faced with all the facts and circumstances of a real situation. As an example, life and death issues are many times added to real life situations.

I think that the most important thing mentioned in this discussion is PRAYER. A Christian is always smart to seek the guidance of GOD in difficult situations. Prayer does change things, and it many times reduces or eliminates the consequences of flying off the handle and acting in the heat of the moment. Most humans aren't very smart when they are hot and angry. I know that I'm not. On the other side of the coin, I feel the duty of a parent and a grandparent, and I hope I would be smart enough to pray first in all difficult situations. If there is time, pray again, read what the Bible says, and pray again. There are usually many different ways to handle hard situations, and doing so with GOD'S guidance will always be the best way.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Psalms 119:133 NASB  Establish my footsteps in Your word, And do not let any iniquity have dominion over me.

Thanks Tom

I'm sorry if I came accross as "I'm right and you're wrong".  I know there are many ways to handle situations in life.  You and Len are absolutely right about prayer.  Thanks   ;D  Maybe I should practice more prayer before I repsond.  Check my attitude.   ;D

brother in Christ,
Bill 

For what it's worth, I was in no way offended. You spoke as someone who's been there, done that. And I treasure any shared experience from BIC's.

I've been in a situation like that twice and it is extremely difficult at best. The only peace I had was that which the good Lord provided. Both were very good friends. One marriage failed and the other is prospering to this day. The only seeming difference was that the reconciled marriage saw both spouses desiring to do what was right by God. In the other, only the husband seemed to want to seek His will.

Today, the reconciled family is growing strong in spirit and serving the Lord in several capacities. The other (rebellious) wife has remarried and their marriage is shaky. The husband who sought God's will has custody of their 3 girls, works in the youth ministry at our church, coaches 2 of his girls in soccer, and is growing spiritually. God is the critical component in all marriages...shaky or firm. And in ministering to these 2 men, I found myself praying almost constantly. That is where I seemed to find the most peace. It was like going through a dark, dank, creepy swamp riding on the back of Jesus. Fear was present but Jesus warded it off.

The thing I remember most was reading Scripture over and over making sure that I didn't misunderstand anything. It was a very scary, yet precious time.

Hi Len,

I'm glad that I didn't offend you.  I know it's one thing to share thoughts and feelings and Gods word face to face with someone, and another thing over the internet.  I'll keep trying though and hope I'm less dogmatic sounding.   :) 

Emotions are sometimes high and sometimes low for me right now.  A huge gulf of seperation between my wife and I.  Not sure if we will make it through this one.  I've been trying for 4 years without any sign of restoration.  We've been seperated for 6 or 7 years.  I can't remember exactly.  A long time none the less.  I would appreciate your prayers. 

I am glad to hear about the one couple who chose to follow His word and was blessed by that.

I am seeking His word and talking to Him continually.  And when all is said and done,  His word stands alone.  There is no other counsel like His.   :)

your brother in Christ,
Bill     

Brother Bill,

I missed your last reply and I think that you misunderstood me, or I chose my words poorly. What I should have said is this is a great discussion thread and we're all learning something from it. One of the important things about Christian fellowship is that we all have something to give each other. When we all put our heads and hearts together in prayer, we usually come up with some good things to share. AND, where two or three are gathered together in HIS NAME, HE is with them. I love that promise, and that includes forums.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Proverbs 16:3 NASB  Commit your works to the LORD And your plans will be established.

Abba Father, we thank You for allowing us to come with boldness before Your throne of grace through the shed blood of our Savior and King, Jesus Christ. We thank You for availing Yourself to us, Your undeserving children.

Oh, Lord! Please hold Brother Bill close to your bosom. Hug him till he feels the pulse of Your loving heart. Reassure him that You are holding him close and that You care for him and his wife.

Draw his wife to Yourself, dear Jesus. Make her aware of Your desires in this marriage. Do not let satan have a foothold. Remove him from the presence of Bill and his wife. Scatter his evil minions, make them confused and unable to communicate.

Clear the way for a total, complete, and full reconciliation in this marriage. Draw them to each other just as is Your plan for husband and wife. Make them one and whole again. Give them a testimony as to Your grace, mercy, love, power, and sovereignty. Set the stage for a ministry that they might share the incredible work You do in their lives. Glorify Yourself in their lives, Abba Father.

Father, we give You all glory, honor, and praise and we pray all these things in the name of the precious Son of God, Jesus Christ, our Lord and our Savior.

Amen!

Thanks Len,

 :'(

You couldn't know what that means to me.  Maybe you do.   

your brother in Jesus,
Bill

Ok a little later in this game :)

But Amen to Len's prayer.  In the short time we have chatted Bill I have continued to pray that God's will be done in your relationship with your wife, your wife's relationship with God, and your relationship with God.

If it were me in a third party situation as mentioned.  With prayer the sinner should be approached first and foremost.  Yes even before the wife.  And follow the steps that the Bible has outlined for us in dealing with sinning brothers and sisters.  One on one, 2-3 on one, then before the church.  Let me also state that the church in the NT is not the building, it is not even limited to the people you by chance go to church with every Sunday.  It is the body of Christ...so in this case the church would be before the marriage that God put together...The church would be bringing it up before the wife and family.

I saw a comment earlier that stated something about the Bible being guidelines.  I would say to be very careful when using this mentality.  This leads to a wide variety of self interpretations and twistings of the Word of God.  By thinking that the Word of God is nothing but guidelines you can even get down to it being OK to murder people.  That what it meant by not having idols was just simply referring to images of items that are to be gods...and not any material or immaterial obstruction to the walk with God.  The Word of God is truth and being truth it cannot be false and is very strait forward.  But more of that can be discussed in a different thread :)

Brother Jerry,

I really do appreciate your prayers for Debbie and I.  It's been hard for both of us.  Thank you so much.

Thanks for your input and insight as well.   :)

your brother in Christ,   :D
Bill   

Yeah that statement has always bothered me, too and for the same reasons you mentioned.

Willychuck had mentioned that word ("guideline") first and I shied from it initially and then used it myself so I have to take at least partial blame. I agree with you, Roger and Jerry, the Bible is the final Word and is implicit and explicit leaving no question as to what we need to accomplish God's will. So allow me to say the choice of the word "guideline" was a poor choice.   

But I was getting at was that sometimes we have to go to different places in Scripture to find the whole truth. The best example I can think of is a pretty direct one. Scripture says we are to follow the law of the land since governments are instituted by God and leaders are sovereign choices of God Himself. But what if a national leader or governing body says that Christianity is not allowed  inside the borders of that nation. We then have to go to Acts where Paul reminds us that God's commandments supercede the laws of man when there is contradiction.

This is why it is so important to STUDY His Word, not just read it for the sake of something to read. While reading Scripture for the sake of reading is not a bad idea, there is so much more to gain by true STUDY. That way, when an issue comes up that requires more than one verse or chapter for direction in addressing that issue, we have knowledge of the Word as to how that issue should be addressed and stay in His will.

Finally, I believe that God's Word is complete and lacking in nothing that we need, no matter the circumstance in practical application. Of course, prayer and wise counsel are also extremely important. 
If Holy Scripture is a "guideline", it is a "guideline" to be adhered to without compromise or variance and right down to every "jot and tittle", to quote a Scriptural phrase. If we do this, we can stand blameless before our most Holy God.

Brothers,

I don't understand why assumptions hold more weight than asking simple questions.  Because I used the word "guidelines", it's assumed that I don't hold God's word as high as the rest of you.  Instead of asking me to explain my use of the word, it became easier to criticize under the guise of decernment.  I'm sorry for all of us.  I will no longer be joining my brothers and sisters at this forum.  I will not return to  read any of your replys.  If you sincerely want to contact me, you can contact me at my yahoo email. 

still your brother in Christ,
Bill 

Brother Bill,

You're taking this much too seriously. This is simply a pleasant discussion among Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Communication on a forum is much more difficult than face to face, and terms mean different things to different people. All you are seeing is everyone trying to get on the same sheet of music and discuss things. There hasn't been any accusation against anyone, just a clarification of terms.

Stick around and you'll see what I mean. This is a very mild discussion like close friends would have, but we're doing it on a forum in text that can be easily misunderstood.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Psalms 105:3-4 NASB  Glory in His holy name; Let the heart of those who seek the LORD be glad.  Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually.

Hi Bill,

I was not making any assumptions toward you Brother. I was making a comment in regards to how most people make use of that term, not in how you were using it. Unless I have misunderstood I am sure that was the intent of the other brothers here also.

Brother Bill I hope that you understand and don't leave us. You are a wonderful asset to the forum. There is much through your experiences that others can learn from and be able to have a closer walk with our Lord and Saviour.