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;D  ;D (One of my favorites)


Whenever everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

My father was a small claims court jester.

What's the youngest you can die of old age?

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.

I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it."

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

===============See Part 2

;D  ;D  (One of my favorites)


While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I say "Come here, Stay!" After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2 inches taller.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "cut it out!"

=====================See Part 3

;D  ;D  (One of my favorites)


I'm so hyper (said with a very dull voice).

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far."

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

=================See Page 4 (Coming Soon)

;D  ;D  (One of my favorites)



I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went, "Aaaaahhhh....."

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars.

The sky already fell. Now what?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

=======================See Part 5

;D  ;D  (One of my favorites)


The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

Is tired old cliche one?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I went to a garage sale. How much for the garage? It's not for sale.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called Deja-Vu. The headwaiter said, "don't I know you?"

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, Let me ask you a question, "If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. We're surrounded.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I can't stop thinking like this.

======================See Part 6

;D  ;D  (One of my favorites)


This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

Doin' a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, " Go ahead, touch it. It feels real."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

My school colors were clear. "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books, but not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

========================See Part 7 Coming Soon