ChristiansUnite Forums

A preacher said to the farmer,
"Do you belong to the Christian family ?"
"No", he said, " they live two farms down ".
"No,no, I mean are you lost ?"
"No, I've been here thirty years."
"I mean are you ready for Judgement Day?"
"When is it ?"
"It could be today or tomorrow ".
"Well, when you find out for sure when it is , you let me
know. My wife will probably want to go both days !"


   ;)

How True :)

Brother Love :)

oh

so are truth and no bull the same thang?

 :-\

sometimes YES and sometime No :)

ah...confusion from the guy who knows BULL best eh  ;)

That's a good one, Irish   ;D

curtsies  :D

      IrishAngel;
    Morning I hope things are well with you

Q: Say "silk" five times.  Now, spell "silk."  What do cows drink?
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 A: Cows drink water.  If you said "milk", Your brain is obviously over-stressed and may even overheat.  It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World."  .



I answered milk...does that tell you how I been? LOL

  ::)

My mama used to take me to the circus to see the fat lady and the tattooed man.  Now they're everywhere.



     :-X

(http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/120/050_AB20386.jpg)

LOL!!    "Stretch".   Hehe.    ;D


(so much for climbing trees--hehe)

A young private sought permission from his Commanding
Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see,"
he explained, "my wife's expecting."

"Oh," said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell
your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with
the same explanation, "My wife's expecting."

The Officer looked surprised.
"Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must
be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend
off."

When the same soldier appeared again the third week,
however, the Officer lost his temper.
"Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

"Yes, sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" yelled the Officer.

"Me." said the soldier simply.

(http://webby.com/humor/Sign.jpg)



 ...a thought occured to me when I seen this picture, I wonder if these are the kind of signs we err in using sometimes to point the way to eternity

something to ponder

The Heathen Who Dropped From The Ceiling
By Ed Price

Few would forget that frigid January morning when Ludlow Jackson sneaked up on the church house roof and dropped a handful of paper rifle cartridges down the stovepipe. The uproar brought the congregation to either one of two hasty conclusions: (a) either the Second Coming had really come or (b) the Yankees were upon them.

Mini explosions and gunsmoke poured from the wood stove as worshipers scrambled for the exit. The preacher, who had been reeling off portions of the fifth chapter of Luke, dove for the pulpit. Ludlow would have gotten away Scott free except that his foot hit a rotten patch on the roof. He broke through the ceiling and tumbled into the sanctuary. Fortunately he didn't hit anyone on the way down, but he did land directly in front of Miss Eunice Smith, an ardent Jeff Davis supporter. Miss Eunice, who had subscribed to "theory B", instantly attacked poor Ludlow as if General Grant, himself, had dropped from the ceiling.

The preacher crawled out from behind his pulpit. By now, his flock was reassembling their wits and were gathering around Ludlow and Miss Eunice. The preacher knew that he had to do something quick or he would be preaching a funeral. He jumped into the fray and pulled Ludlow out of range of Miss Eunice's flailing fists.

"What in the Sam Hill are you tryin' to do, boy?" the preacher shouted to the cowering miscreant. "You don't come to church yourself, and you're a-tryin' to break up our meetin', too!"

"I'm sorry," wailed the frightened Ludlow. "I'll never do it again."

"I'll say you won't," came an angry voice in back of the crowd. "String him up!"

"That's no way for an elder of this church to talk, Brother Elzey," the preacher shouted back.

Suddenly, Miss Eunice broke through the crowd. She had murder in her eyes. "Let me at him!" she screamed. Ludlow tried to bolt but the preacher held fast to his arm. With the other, he held Miss Eunice at bay. "Stop this!" he shouted. "Both of you."

"Darn heathen kid tried to kill us!" one of the men shouted.

"But he didn't," answered the preacher. "Besides, what were we just readin' in the Bible before this ruckus broke out?"

"Jesus and sick sinners," a little boy cried out.

The preacher smiled. "That's almost it, Elijah." Then he scowled at the rest of his congregation. "Levi the tax collector was holding a banquet and invited Jesus. Remember? And the Pharisees asked Him why he ate with sinners. And what did Jesus say?"

Silence.

"Anybody? Verses 33-34."

Miss Eunice stared at the floor. Then she looked up. "I think it was, 'And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.'"

"That's right," said the preacher, still holding on to Ludlow. "And what we have here is a sinner in terrible need of repentance."

"I ain't gonna get no religion," Ludlow growled, regaining some of his nerve.

The preacher frowned. "You mean you ain't gonna ask forgiveness of your sins and follow Jesus?"

"Heck, no."

"Shoot him!"

The preacher frowned again. "I said, Brother Elzey, that ain't no way for a Christian elder to talk."

The congregation gathered around Ludlow in a tight little circle, chanting "Repent, repent, repent." The defiant Ludlow shook his head. "I ain't gonna repent and there's nothing that you or God can do to make me!"

Suddenly, the entire church house shook from the loud report of a gunshot. The startled Ludlow almost jumped into the preacher's arms. " I REPENT!" he screamed.

"Praise the Lord!" the congregation shouted in unison. And at that very moment, the black soul of the former heathen, Ludlow Jackson, was saved.

No one ever found out if the last shot came from one of Ludlow's paper cartridges left in the stove, or from another source. The smell of powder smoke was definitely in the air. Some say that just after the shot, Elder Elzey had an uncommon look of satisfaction on his face. Some even swore they saw him quickly lean his Enfield just outside the church house door, then look around as if nothing had happened.

No matter, though. A soul was saved and the angels in heaven rejoiced -- in spite of the certain probability that Elder Elzey had helped the proceedings along.

LOL  ;D ;D ;D

Do you know why the Lone Ranger always has to eat in the kitchen?



He's the *Lone* Ranger!

   
     :-X

Irish's original one here is still perfect:

A preacher said to the farmer,
"Do you belong to the Christian family ?"
"No", he said, " they live two farms down ".
"No,no, I mean are you lost ?"
"No, I've been here thirty years."
"I mean are you ready for Judgement Day?"
"When is it ?"
"It could be today or tomorrow ".
"Well, when you find out for sure when it is , you let me
know. My wife will probably want to go both days !"

 ???

 ;D

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? ;D

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

  ;D

 After trying to start a conversation several
times and getting only distracted grunts Doug  asks Bill what
the problem is.

"Well," said Bill, "I ran afoul of one of those questions
women ask. Now Im in big trouble!"

"What kind of question?, asked Doug.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was
old, fat and ugly."

"Thats easy," said Doug. "You just say 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah", said Bill, "Thats what I did, except I said
'Of course I DO....'"



:-X

What is an Oxymoron?

Definition: A rhetorical speech construct in which incongruous or contradictory terms or ideas are combined.

EXAMPLE: "Oxymoron" - Removing the Ten Commandments from the courthouse while making people in court swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God... while your hand is on the Bible.

  ::)

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

   :-\