ChristiansUnite Forums

I knew this time would come but one is never prepared.  I need some good Christian advice.  I'll try to recap so that you can have a better understanding of the situation at hand.

 My mother was widowed quite young and has never remarried.  She is now 80 and living alone in a large house (with stairs)  There are only 2 of us kids.  I live 1,000 miles away and am married and raising my kids and work part time.  My sister (older) has never married and has no children.  She has always lived in the same state as our mother and at one point moved in with our mother after mom had a heart attack (I flew down and looked after mom for a month then, while my sister made arragements to move).  I always told my sister how much her sacrifice of living with mom meant to me since I am unable to get there to see/help her more than once or twice a year (finances and responsibilities with my own family prevent me from traveling that distance unless it is an emergency situation).  My husband has tried to find work somewhere in the state where my mother lives but has been unable to find any.  His parents are not well either and they live in a state that boarders where my mother lives so it would be perfect if we could move back to that area, but so far nothing.

We have tried to talk mom into moving in with us or moving closer to my sister but she won't do it.  So far we are blessed that Mom can still take care of herself, gets out to church and still drives (although she limits herself there --she knows her limits and doesn't go out after dark or on the interstate). The problem now is that there are signs of physical weakness and some very minor forgetfullness.  Although I do not believe she needs someone living in the house with her, she does need someone to check in on her on a regular basis.  I call at least once a day but if something was wrong, I couldn't get there until 48 hours later.  My sister is dating a fellow and has decided to move closer to him which puts her even further away from our mother, about a 5 hours drive verses the 1 hour drive now.  I know my sister must live her life but I am becoming concerned that she is putting a "boyfriend" (who isn't interested in marriage but would like a live in arrangement) before her own mother.  Am I wrong in thinking that if an adult child is not married  that  their first priority should be to the aging parent?  I feel helpless and don't know which direction turn.  I don't want our different views on how to best help our mother to cause a rift between us (thus far I have kept my mouth shut). As much as I want to, I can't afford to fly back and forth to check on my mother several times a year but my sister has let it be known that this is what I need to do.  

  The only neighbor that was faithful to check on our mother from time to time has now passed away.  There are no other family  members to draw from either.  Our mother has always been very independant and doesn't see that she needs to be looked in on, but she does admit she is lonely and needs help with household repairs,grass cutting etc.  She doesn't want a stranger in her home --such as a caregiver.    My mother is still active in her church but the church is over a 30 minute drive from her home and most people there that could help, work or are too old to help.

I want to keep peace in the family and do what Christ would have us do for our mother.  How do you accomplish this long distance? Does anyone else out there, who has been though this, have any advise to give?

Worried Daughter~

Caring for an aging parent is a dilemma many face.  First of all, you or your sister should consider getting a power of attorney for your mother's financial and health care.  

You should contact her family doctor to see if she is eligible for any home care.  You should know what medications she is on and have an idea of her capabilities.  You and your sister should also determine how competent she is:  should she be driving?  Is she leaving bills unpaid?  Is she eating properly?  Is her laundry being done and home clean?  Is she able to Keep up her property?  Often the decline is gradual and family members are in denial about what is happening to their parent.  Sometimes the elderly are very good at making a good impression and covering up their frailities.

Contact your mother's pastor.  Tell him of your concerns about her.  An elder or other reliable person from the church may be able to check on her daily, in person or by phone.  

The pastor or family doctor may also know of some agency that has people that can be send over to help out.  There will be a fee.  You and your sister might consider sharing the costs according to what each of you can afford.  If you have power of attorney, this could be taken out of your mother's bank account.  Many elderly do resist having someone come over to help out.  The agencies know how to deal with these types of issues.  

Don't try to dump all the guilt and responsiblity onto your sister because she lives closer.  The situation will only get worse for your mother.  Depending on her needs, her doctor may recommend her to have more homecare or go to a nursing home.  You should prepare yourselves for this possiblity.