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My husband and I have been married for six years now.  When we met, he had two children (of which he has custody) and I had one.  His were 4 and 5, mine had just turned 1.  After his divorce (kids were 2 and 3 by the time it was final) his mother cared for the children until he met me and we got married .  She has never treated my child equally - even talks badly about her.  My husband and I have another child now as well who is 4 and these two are never treated the same.  Not only that but she tries to tell me how to raise the children. My husband would get upset anytime I said something derogatory about his mother - even if it was true.  His mother and I finally came to blows not long ago and I told my husband that things must change.  He promised to put me first, and our family, and to trust him.  I'm finding it very hard - for his mother still calls at 'minimum', two times a day to make sure the kids are okay.  OUR kids.  He doesn't tell her that this is inappropriate, he just answers her questions and hangs up.  I am feeling like he is not understanding how troublesome she is even though we had this talk.  Any advice?

This is a problem that many people experience that have gone through multiple marriages with children from both marriages. An additional problem that you face is that she has a special attachment to the children that she took care of as though they were her own.

Rather than hitting this situation head on (facing her with it directly or putting your husband in a spot to do so), I suggest approaching it through the back door so to speak.

Treat the situation with love in your heart. When she calls, even if she doesn't ask, gently include all the children into the conversation. Do what you can to patch up the hard feelings that may be between you and her as these hard feelings will flow over onto the kids. Do something special for her out of love not out of obligation. Perhaps make a special photo layout for her that has all the children in one photo frame with some saying that indicates the love for a grandmother.

Work through her heart not through her ears.

Thank you for responding - any advice is truly appreciated.  However, being nice is what I've been doing for six years and now I'm tired.  This problem came up about three years ago and my husband and I had to sit down and reevaluate our marriage at that point.  He asked me then to "just be nice. . . for him".  I agreed and that's what I did.  Even though it really put a LOT of added stress on me, because she was hurting my child.  It would be different if she talked badly about me or said mean things to me - I could've cared less about that - however, it is my child who is hurting.  She would pick up the two oldest children to take them out shopping, and my other two would stand at the door crying because they wanted to go as well.  My younger two daughters will go running up to her when they see her at church only to get a quick hug and then pushed aside so she can see and talk to the older two.  The daughter that is only mine biologically was only a baby when we got married.  She could've welcomed her like a new grandchild into the family - but she did not.  It has gone so far at this point that I do not want my children around her.  My mom lives in a different state, so they don't get to see her enough to offset the inattentiveness shown by my husbands mother.  I am at a point where I feel she doesn't deserve the love of my children.  It used to be in the beginning of our marriage that if she was upset at my husband - my husband could not function until she was happy again.  Slowly, slowly that changed, but it took many years.  Not that she didn't continue to try to control him.  Soon it became my fault that she no longer had a 'good' relationship with her son.  (meaning she didn't have quite the control she had before).  I know this is not the Christian attitude that a loving wife should have, but I truly am at wits end.  Thank you for taking the time to respond - any advice is appreciated.

Hi Blessedmom,

I would suggest finding a christian counselor.  It looks as if your hubby is trying to please both his mom and you.  Something a little deeper is going on here, and a counselor will be able to zero in on it much better than I.  She's causing you pain by being indifferent to two of your children.  That's passive-aggressive behavior.  People who operate this way are really hard to deal with.  I know you said you would rather her do anything to you, but not the children.  She IS doing something to you, but she's doing it through the children.  Your husband probably will have to do some changing but that's only going to come through a counselor who can show him what's going on.  

cris

Our church offers free christian family counseling, but they can't get us in for another two weeks. My hasband has agreed to go.  He's a good man, and I agree that he feels he has to please his mother, however, I should be first in his life (second only to God) like he is to me.  He said that he would do this - but he's still letting her call all the time and not telling her it's time to stop.  I want to believe him, but the past keeps telling me it's not going to change.  It's very frustrating, and I appreciate that I'm able to get advice here since my husband and I struggle to discuss it.  Thank you.

When I mentioned christian counseling I was thinking of a christian psychologist.  I have nothing against christian counseling from a minister, pastor, etc. but sometimes one NEEDS to speak with a psychologist, a christian preferably.  From my perspective, your mother-in-law is sowing discord into your marriage by using two of your children.  I don't know why she's doing this.  A psychologist will be able to zero in on her behavior and subsequently tell you and your husband how to deal with her.  Hopefully, your church has christian PSYCHOLOGISTS.  This IS important!!  I cannot emphasize this enough.

Blessedmom, I see so much HOPE for you and your husband.  He's agreeing to go to counseling.  The psychologist will help him to see the "big picture".  Then, with the help of the Holy Spirit, you guys will be able to take Godly action.  It won't be easy, but God will give you the grace.  I'm sure you're praying about this situation.  Just keep praying and ask God for His wisdom.  Pray that the blinders be lifted from you and your husbands eyes.

You said you wanted to believe your husband but the past was getting in the way.  You're partially correct.  The past IS a good indicator of the future, unless some kind of intervention takes place.  For whatever reason, it seems he's still connected to his mother in an unhealthy way.  Once your hubby sees the "big picture", he will learn that he must follow through on what he says he's going to do.  He'll learn to take control (in a Godly way, the way God intended) instead of allowing his mother to control.  I know he probably doesn't see his mother as a controller.  And, I'm sure his mother doesn't see herself as a controller, either.  Here is where the problem lies, (blinders) and here's where a psychologist can show you exactly what is going on. This won't be an easy thing to do.  He's going to need your support.  I know, I know, it's YOU who needs the support.  If your hubby is open to the info he gets from psychological counseling, and follows through, you will eventually have his support, too.

Hang in there until you can get to a christian psychologist.  You might want to start calling around in your area to get the names of christian psychologists if there aren't any at your home church.  Check the yellow pages for christian counselors.  Call different churches and ask them if they have any names.  You can do whatever you want, but I suggest you insist on a psychologist.  I'm looking at the time factor when I suggest this.  If you guys don't get the "right kind" of help, you'll just have to start all over again.

Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, I ask You to give this couple Your wisdom.  Bless them, Father.  Give them strength and courage.  Father, I pray for the mother (mother-in-law).  Send your Holy Spirit to convict her of Your love.  Father, put people in her path that need her.  Keep her busy with Your work, Lord God. Amen

God bless,
cris