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Hello. i have an issue with my marriage, can some one explain why im going though this?

Ive been married for 4 years now. been with her for 8 though. in the beginning i did cheat on her and drugs and all that but i repented and over came it (to make a long story short) last year we seperated and i really went toward god, and he returned her and my kids..we went to church and all that.

i lost fellowship however due to starting college on top of being a soldier in the army.

well the first time i cheated on her was in south carolina. now ive been sent on a month and a half training missiong out here again. my wife went ballistic. see before i left we were happy; private time together love peace joy the works. the kids were in line, bills were paid and there was no argueing. only we didnt have fellow ship, but to make up for it we would bible study and keep in the word..

i get these orders to come out here to train. my wife flips her lid telling me day after day not to cheat or she'll kill me - daily. prior to me leaving her sister called her and told her i was being with strippers and all this..but my wife was hurt, and put it behind her and said she didnt want to hear it - even though i didnt do it.

(her sister and i hate each other)

also throuhg the year my wife was at times cold - and from my 'urges' she wouldnt want to be with me..so i downloaded porn - not bright but hey i had needs. she found out and flipped but we stayed through it.

but like i said i came out here and she was very upset aobut me leaving. she did NOT want me to leave and did not want me go..but when i did she had nice hand written letters about how she believed in me and seen the changes i made for her christ and our family. she said in SEVERAL hand written letters i have recieved out here that she believes in US and loves me like never before and how when i get back im going to be more than happy yadda yadda. ...this on top of emails every day devoted to me and her.

well she said she got a dream from god that i was going to be tested out here by some females and if i fail the test (sexual i assume) our marriage is over and she'll be hurt but god will comfort her. well that was on like a friday. from that point she fasted for a week for answers and the following friday she tells me that she doesnt love me, never did and that was the answer god gave her.

she said that the reason she returned the first time from the seperation was because of guilt and ontop of everything else im a fake christian..only coming around to manipulate god when it suits my needs..(she is a new christian)..so she talks with big arrogance about how she doenst need me love me or even wnat to be married anymore. i asked her why , and she still brings up the cheating from 1999 that she said in several letters that she forgave me for! she claims every time i leave i cheat- but its not true.

my mom tried to talk wtih her about it saying that its easy to feel right and at ease while i pay the bills, she lives in my house and drives my car with my cash as spending money..its easy. i prayed about humbling her and the breaks went out on the car, all her cash dwindled away and now she needs me.

i just need some one out there to pray for me and this situation because i ahve been avoiding the strip clubs and women and living right. only thing is she is so angry when i call and so hate ful i just dont understand why she would act like that. why would god tell her she doesnt love her husband after 4 years, wich was also her excuse on why she was so cold before..she just doesnt care.

when im home we are in love and supporting each other..but when i fly away suddenly EVERY bad thing i ve ever done in the relationship is regergitated...and its difficult..thanks in advance..and sorry for writting a novel, but i want to know why she is acting like this??

I Wonder Why???? :)


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Welcome to our fellowship Ced  :)

For what its worth it, from what you have wrote, your wife is acting like this namely because she is so afraid that  you will cheat on her again, that she found a way to try to avoid what in her mind is the inevitable, by bailing on the relationship. Secondly the pain of infidelity doesnt go away because theres been some good times that followed. It will help heal the past tho, when you accept full responsibility for your actions, (no excuses) when you have truly repented, and she sees in your every expression, that you 'get' how much this has hurt her, and you are 100%  committed to her (I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationship work)  
I read "hey i had needs", but sadly you never once said in that letter that you love your wife. You may say, well I`ve told her that I love her, or she must know that I love her,  no.  Love isnt just words and emotion.  Love is an action word, its about the other person, its not about self, and our own needs. Love is a sacrifice, love gives, love seeks not its own happiness, but  that of the other. The question to ask yourself, is do I love my wife.  You broke it, you can fix it, but only if you love her more than yourself.

yes you are right - i did not say once in the venting that i love my wife. i didnt even notice. the only thing i can say about that, is that im pretty gotcha8ed at her right now. see im in a situation right now that is pretty intense-military retraining. while im here its difficult AS IS to maintain your disipline eithics and all- when she told me these things i had an anxiety attack, because she had left the house and came up missing for a day or three with my kids-and my car and money. so im still iffy about what i should do OR feel.

like should i still live the good life for her or just give up since she did also? why should  i show love when she told me to my face she has no love for me?

ultimately i do love my wife. we've been together for 8 years, 2 kids and were highschool sweet harts. thats my GIRL MAN! however i do understand and sympothis with what she is going through- which is why instead of my bar hoping im calling home and staying inside the barracks. instead of going to the strip club i calll my wife - or at least i  did.she wont be around for my calls or anything.

yes i understand full well what damage i did back then. but since ive gotten my mind right-i havent messed around at all. she will withhold sex from me - that is witch craft. says so in
 
1 Corinthians 7:4
The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.  

she'll drift away from me, then expect after weeks me to jump through hoops. its strange. she wanted love and kisses and all..so i gave that to her and she will turn it around and say never mind because now she can see a girls body part on my face. she is difficult - to the point i dont know what to do.

yes i love her, and yes i wish things were normal and we could be as happy as we were before i left, but right now im not doing ANYTHING but being treated like a criminal. what plan of action should i take ? i went to church recently and the pastor called me up for prayer, annointed me and told me there is victory at my home, everything is as it should be, and my prayers were answered. however..i know that she doesnt believe a word out of my mouth..even calls me a fake christian..what the heck should i do? call it day and throw my hands in the air?

Wow.  :-X

Now that you're not doing anything wrong she should trust you..... Sounds so simple. But I don't think you have any idea just what damage you've done.

You sympathize with her? Doesn't sound like it.

Here's what happens when a man is unfaithful to a woman. She beats herself up thinking she must be unattractive. If she weren't so fat, or ugly, or stupid, or whatever... Then she realizes that infidelity has nothing to do with any of those things. So it's not something she can fix. Only time can. A lot of time.

Everytime she closes her eyes, the image of you with someone else is there. She can't make it go away and it rips her heart out. She doesn't want to open herself up to you again. She compares herself to the other woman. She thinks YOU compare her to the other woman. So she shuts down. THat part of the marriage is emotional to her and you damaged it.

When you're there and things are going well, she starts to think that maybe it will all just go away. Then you leave and it all comes back. She'll be going along just fine and then BOOM! it hits her again.

She wonders what will keep it from happening again. She panics, time and time again. She wants it to go away. She'd like nothing more than for it to be just a bad dream. But it won't go away. And it isn't a bad dream. It's what you did.

You destroyed her trust. How long will it take to undo it? A long time. A very long time. You can leave her. You can figure she should be over it. You can paint yourself as a victim since you're not doing anything wrong right now. But how does she know? She doesn't. She just has to trust you. But you destroyed that trust. What a vicious circle! How can she trust someone who betrayed that trust?

So she's scared. And she wants to not need you or depend on you. Because that just makes her more vulnerable. And look what that vulnerability got her.

So should you give up because she did? You have it all wrong! Should she give up because YOU betrayed her!?!

Why should you show love to her since she shows none for you? Again, you have it all wrong. Should she try to love you again since YOU killed that love?

Most of what you've said paints you as an innocent victim.
Re-read this from her view! Yes, she loved you and yes, she wishes things were normal. And maybe you're not doing anything RIGHT NOW but you did. And you could again.

You ran up an emotional debt that you need to pay back. And the interest is high. But you owe that debt.

This: Is what you messed up on! YOU messed up!

You whole posts read as; "Yeah, I messed up but.....". Concentrate on the first part. Read it. OWN IT!


As for the military training intensity, here's some words from a retired Marine:

"Seeing as how you're the one that created the mess, you're the one that needs to figure out how to deal with it."

Also know as, Got in trouble, I got out of it.

What you need to do is let her know. Every day what you are doing! When you talk to her, over the phone, before you hang up. Always say these words, if its not to late. [size=10]I Love you![/size]
The rest you have to leave to God, but only if you are serious!

these are great points and things i need to hear. im trying my best to understand how it went from trying to have another child, to i hate you and dont love you.

yes i cheated years ago..4 in fact. and i relive it with her daily. yes i still telll her i love her IN SPITE of her meanness. I still send hand written letters cards and packages to let her know how i feel. i put my self here, and yes i will get myself out. it will be an up hill battle, and i have won the most important part - she is at home and she is still my wife. from now on i guess i have to maintain the fact that i have to check in now to ease the pain. i was doing that before, only she would not have her cell phone on..and now its my fault that i couldnt get through..oh well.

so are we all in agreement that all the mean things she said and threated to do were are back lashes from her emotional roller coaster? she is vulnerable assuming with great belief im going to hurt her again? and when or if she finally believes me then and only then with jesus strength and care will we manage to over come this...? i hope thats it in a nutt shell. ive repented and ive dealt with my concequences time and time again..after 4 years this is enough..when i get back we are going to be delievered from this once and for all at church together...