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Things Mom Would Never Say:

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

The First Child:

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Telephone Shopping:

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

Parents Know:

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

ROFL! I loved these!  :D

Things Mom Would Never Say:
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"


NOT TRUE! I grew up with "SHUT THE LIGHT OFF"
I pledged to spent the rest of my life in shining rebellion to that  :P

Oklahoma Howdy to Shylynne,

 ;D  I grew up the same way. I think a lot of things depend on whether or not your parents lived through the great depression. I can't even get my mother to leave the front porch light on so the police can more easily check when they drive by. AND!!, don't even think about wasting one bite of food.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Our 7 year old niece spent last night with us.  When we
dropped her off at home, my sister-in-law asked how she
behaved.  "She was an angel," I informed her.

"Really?" she questioned.

"Yes, really.  A perfect angel."  I assured her.

"I just don't understand.  Whenever she is with you she is
well behaved.  Whenever she is at home, she is a monster.
She misbehaves for everyone else.  In fact, the teachers at
her school drew straws to see who would be stuck with her
in their class.  How come she always behaves for you?",
my sister in law asked.

"I don't know.  I guess I just have a way with children.
I also try to educate them as well. A child is never to young
to learn," I answered.

"What do you mean.  What did you teach her?" she inquired.

"Well, for instance, children need to learn about death and
dying so they better understand this process. I explained
this concept very carefully to her."  I informed my
sister-in-law.

"Really?  You explained this to her at 7?" she asked
dumbfounded.

"Yes, and she understands death perfectly, which is good, because it makes threatening her with it, much more effective..."

It could also be true that some of our parents tried to recreate the great depression for their childrens learning benefit  :-X

We were allowed to waste a bite, prolly because that went to the pig troth lol...but no wasting energy...SHUT the fridge door, your defrosting the fridge (not possible is less than a minute as far as I know)  ...SHUT the door...you wer`nt raised in a barn!   I now have a  odd fondness for barns, and my fridge gets defrosted daily   :D    I admit...I do use the shut the door line...but hey there`s three barnyard animals living in  my house  :-X

A mother and father were chatting with their 16 year old
son about his future.  The youngster said he'd like to attend
Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had.
Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you
like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little
boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen,
he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without
it."  

Shylynne,

That brings back fond memories of having teens at home. What was in the refrigerator was always a surprise. As an example, I didn't know that my son could drink an entire 1/2 gallon of orange juice at once.   :D

My son is coming home on leave in July, and I think that I will fill the refrigerator however many times that it takes VERY HAPPILY.

Love In Christ,
Tom

You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When.........


You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Do you mean what was NOT in your refridgerator was always a surprise?   ;)   If you blink...the food disappears lol
What`s it going to be like when the food...just... sits there  :'(      Its gonna stink!  :(
Its great your going to have your son home for a visit, think i`ll go kidnap mine!   :D



You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!


I do that at church! LOL *sigh!*

Oklahoma Howdy to Shylynne,

 ;D  Yes, the empty refrigerator is a surprise, but I don't care. I'll prepare for a Navy Seal team and happily buy all he can eat. My wife and I are like little kids and can't wait until he gets home. An empty nest is not so fun, but it makes future moments more precious.

Love In Christ,
Tom

I wish my kid would stop throwing his Barney doll in the washer. I'm tired of wearing purple shorts.   ;D

Rebuked by her mother for being sullen and grouchy, the teenage daughter responded, "How come when it's me it's temper, and when it's you it's nerves?   ;D

I don't believe in spanking. I believe in tranquilizer darts.   ;D

One of the toughest things about being a parent is having to punish your child for something your parents could never catch you doing.   ;D

ROFL!
Cause I said so!  ;D

 ;D    Sincereheart, I think that I've heard that a few times, and I said it, and my daughter is finally saying it. There comes a time when that, "But why???" is deserving of nothing else.   ;D
________________________________________________

An 8-year-old is being punished and sits in the corner of the dining area at a table set especially for her. The rest of the family is ignoring her, until they hear her giving thanks.

She says, "I thank thee, Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of mine enemies."

I told my son to bring me my book on "aggressive child behavior." He said, "Make me!"   ;D

The first thing a man does when he becomes a father is to change his mind about what he used to think he'd do when he became a father.

If I've told the kids once, I've told them a hundred times, "Don't give the dog a bath in the dishwasher!" I have to admit, though, he does come out virtually spotless.

I feel sorry for my kid. He's in trouble with his mother again--mostly just for taking after my side of the family.

My kids get so dirty. Before they take a bath, we have to pre-soak them.

You Know You're A Mom When...

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
 
2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.
 
3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
 
4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
 
5. You child throws up, and you catch it.
 
6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you keep eating.
 
7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
 
8. You mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
 
9. Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, or, better yet, in the lobby of a Grand Central Station... and you do it.

10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

12. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

13. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

14. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

15. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

16. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

17. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

18. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

19. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

20. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

21. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes!"

22. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

23. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is above average.

24. You say at least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Amen! And a DOUBLE Amen for the last one!  :D

...yep, and in front of the kids, so THEY know they're equal  :)


That one doesn't work.....at least not when there's only one bathroom ("bathroom"....we call it "washroom")


Uh huh....kleenex & spit; pre 1980s "wetones"

Gracey

uh huh  ROFL!  ;D

(Real??? - It sounds like some of the parents needed to be in school.   :D)  

Excuses For School............

My son was in need of being shot and I finally had it done.  As a result he is in the hospital, but that is not where they shot him.

Don't let him take P.E., no matter where he takes it or what excuse he gives. I don't want him near a P.E. class, and that no matter what they are doing, when or where, or even if they are not at the time he is there.  Leave him alone.  I hope you clearly understand that this is the message and do not ignore it, as you did before when I didn't write it although I intended to. This time, you won't!

Emily will be absent two Fridays from today for a funeral.  Please excuse her on that day.

Lloyd had two jaws removed from his teeth and the doctor said he should not try chewing anything more serious than apple sauce for a few weeks.

The dentist said Sylvia is suffering from a great deal of lose vices, and she needs to get a little tight to do what needs doing.  We are going to correct her difficulty as quickly as we can find her some newer vices more suited to her age.

Eddie was absent from school yesterday mainly for the simple reason that he was not there.  We know where he was, but we are not sure you do, so hold him excused until we catch him and then we will see you about this.  It could happen that he won't be able to come to school no more.

If Bobbie hadn't done what he did he wouldn't be where he was which is why he isn't where he should be now as a result of yesterday evening.  This could happen again if yesterday evening is repeated.

Louise did not inspire enough and so she almost expired until she retired to the place where she is now, which is why she is not in school, or so I am told as I write this note for your office, so she does not get credit for being where she is not, or whatever it is that gets her into big bad trouble - none of us wants that, so she is excused from it, no matter where she is.  As her parent, I so order it to be considered in this way and that is final.

Fred has athelete's foot, although how he got that, knowing him as I do, is something of a miracle. It is as close as he is apt to come to organized sports.  And I mean this for all his life.  This is the most complete lazy person in our entire family and only the charm he has saves him from both his mother and your office, since we both feel the same way about this affliction.

You probably noticed that Les was not with you yesterday because yesterday was the day that Les was with us, which is why he was not with you.  He was with us because we needed to have him tested. He was tested and he did pass the test although the examiner felt that the results were dubious and suggested that we bring Les in to have him retested for a more objective result.  We feel that the examiner needs to be tested before we have Les retested to see if the test is reliable when it is given by someone like that examiner.  If you did not miss Les yesterday, please ignore this note and act like he was there, although he was not there since he was here, but in the event you didn't notice it then, it is no time now to start taking notes.  Please do advise us about a new examiner since we feel this is a serious test.  Thank you.

Bob is too much for a tree out of which he fell so he won't be taking any of that exercise for awhile with that cast.  Keep him off swings and away from bars.  I mean swinging bars, not those others where he won't go even if we try.

Bobby got hiself fired up burning them leaves and he won't do no more of that.

Louise boils to much, so Dr. Pierce did a lance and much fuse flowed, so she mised speling.  xcuse her.  she come when she can.

Albert was so cold he run high. And the tempatire got too bad an he got sick of fever and so he stay here because he no go.  you understand.

You'd be sick too, if you did what Mike did, so excuse him because it was not his fault.  Don't ever try this yourself, because if you do, you won't like it.

Eddie missed school yesterday because of the trout condition brought on by the sinus leak which unplugged too much and runned all over the place when it did too much, and it sure did that.

Robert told me he had no class and was he wright or wrong?  I think right.

The pony fell on Jim so we had to shot although we didn't want it this way. I guess it was because of the broken leg that this happened.  Jim will be alright after we get the cast off that leg and bury the body so he can be out in the back yard again.  i know you know how these things go and this did.

Marty had too much homework, which cause him to spill his hot soup because he was nervous and upset.  This cause him to stay home.  This cause me to be sick. This cause Marty to return, but he don't get that homework done.  Who is the one sending all this homework?  Wait till I get well and see this person..

The reason Phillip was not in school is that he was not there.  If he had been there, this would not be necessary, but as it is, he wasn't so this is.  I do hope that we can get this cleared up and stop all these notes.

Bens beans cost lose vowels and so he came to often to the place that he didn't get there where he should have.  You not here to miss mess we did not miss. He is still running, but we no sent him to schol like this because the run with his run is to far.  Please exclude him, with my atority.

Georgia got her ear done and it poisoned her and she felt that poison so she not come to school.  This hole cause much upset in the family.  Her lobe is going down and that is the problem.  It is so slow.

Everett ate the cole slaw and it was too much for him.  We was as upset as he was, but he got the better of us and we left him stay, so he is not there when you look yesterday.  today he is.

They was plaing darts and Danny stood there and the doctor said he shold not be in school till the holes heel.  No, not his foot, his arms mainly but some others too.

She took the brain test with no results so we don't think she has it.  But we are keeping her home just to watch.  You really can't tell much from nothing, and so we are sending this with Billy, how to get it to you.

I hate it when John stays home but the doctor insisted that he stay in the hospital which is the reason he is not in school.  He will be, when he is, and it won't be long either.

She has to go to the doctor to get her arches examined. We want her to stand tall, but she slumps.  If she is just slumping to stay out of school, we will know that too. Slumping is no excuse, but right now it is until we find out that it isn't.

The doctor just informed us that some parts are missing in Gaston and we are searching for the right doctor to find them.  Maybe with your experience, you can help us.  If so, please call.

How can you say Tad was late when he never come at all? He did this without us. Today he comes early to make up for it and you decide what to do with him.

POLITICALLY CORRECT SPEAKING

- Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."

- Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

- You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

- No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

- You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

- You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

- It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."

- The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

- Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

- You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

- You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

- You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

- You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

A mother, passing by her daughter's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, mom. I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us, and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith

PS : Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

hehe.  

    8)

LOVE IT!!! You Get "TWO"Thumbs UP



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*Laws of Parenting*

1.  The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2.  For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3.  Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4.  The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5.  Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6.  If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7.  The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8.  The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9.  Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.  

Thats too funny!  I think teens are a little too intelligent for our own good.  My 16 year old is a drummer, he rat-a-tat-tats on everything! A few days ago I was trying to concentrate on something I was reading and asked him to stop rapping because it was "getting on my nerves". He looked at me and said "mother you have no nerves remember"...I said "no"?  To which he quite patiently explained..."the last time we had this conversation you said I was getting on your last nerve , if you have none left, how could I be getting on them now?"
I think I will quit using that expression.  ::)

And they say that kids don't listen to their parents!  ;D

"THEY" are wrong as per usual!  ::)

boy, for those w/o chillun, it's a whole nuther world they reall y don't know 'bout.


I heard Dr. Laura one night recently; a lady called in, said she was 35, married, but said she really didn't want any children, and what did DrL think about that.

Dr. Laura said, Well, you'd rather have the 'control' that your professional life (I think she was a doctor) offers you.  If you have children, you forfeit that control.

Hmm.  That made me think.  You really do, as a parent, have to give up a whole lot because, all of a sudden, everything is always about the child, or chillun.  

   

It is true parenting is a whole nuther world symphony ;D

But the little things a parent might give up are not the things that make for a happy life  anyways.  ;)

Brothers and Sisters,

I'm looking back at many precious memories with children. In terms of giving and getting, I think that parents get back three to one and probably much more.

On one side you might have the colic, teething, diapers, and all kinds of other things. On the other side, you get to watch all kinds of funny and precious events. Growing up is fascinating, and the parents are actually watching part of themselves. All of the pleasant emotions, especially love, make the diaper changes and other not so pleasant tasks nothing. There will also be times of laughter and times of crying. For most parents, the times of joy would make 10 times the work all worth everything.

I firmly believe that some people should never be parents. Children are obviously not a passing fancy or fad, rather a lifetime commitment. As a simple analogy, if a person ties a puppy on the end of a chain at the back of the yard so they don't have to hear it, they shouldn't be having babies.   :D  If having worry wrinkles and gray hair is a major concern, they shouldn't be having babies. I know that's probably a silly and simplistic example, but I gave it anyway.   :D

I honestly believe that parenting properly must always involve self-sacrifice of many types. In my opinion, it must not be as a must or a duty, rather something one is happy to do with joy and love. The police and child welfare folks deal with musts and duties, but parents deal with joy and love.

2 cents worth.

Love In Christ,
Tom

...if a person ties a puppy on the end of a chain at the back of the yard so they don't have to hear it, they shouldn't be having babies...

EH!  ;D

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Willowbirch,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks Sister!! - I needed that laugh.

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 ;D   ;D  Thanks! Sincereheart
_________________________________

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:


1.  No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2.  When your Mom is made at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3.  If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4.  Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5.  You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6.  Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7.  Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8.  You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9.  Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
_______________________________

Tom

Sign at nursery: Come to me my melon-cauliflower baby.

I just got this from my Pastor.

I thought this might bring a light to your day.  Have a great day in the Lord.
Blessings to all.
In the grip of His grace, I am,

 
 
Windshield thoughts of a 6 year old

One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick. Suddenly, my daughter, Aspen, spoke up from her relaxed position in her seat. "Dad, I'm thinking of something."
 
This announcement usually meant she had been pondering some fact for a while, and was now ready to expound all that her six-year-old mind had discovered. I was eager to hear.
"What are you thinking?" I asked.
"The rain! ;" she began, "is like sin, and the windshield wipers are
like God wiping our sins away."
 
After the chill bumps raced up my arms I was able to respond.
"That's really good, Aspen."
Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little girl take this
revelation?
So I asked... "Do you notice how the rain keeps on coming? What does that tell you?"
Aspen didn't hesitate one moment with her answer:  "We keep on sinning, and God just keeps on forgiving us."
 
I will always remember this whenever I turn my wipers on.

School Answering Machine:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your child's school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent, press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work, press 2.

To complain about what we do, press 3.

To verbally abuse our staff members, press 4.

To ask why you did not get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, press 5.

If you want us to raise your child, press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone, press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8.

To complain about bus transportation, press 9.

To complain about school lunches, press 0.

If you realize that this is the real world, and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it is not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort, please hang up and have a nice day!!!

6.  Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.


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"Can people predict the future with cards?" Jessica asked Danny.

"My mom can," Danny replied.

"Really?"

"Yes," Danny told her, "she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my dad gets home."

on a side note:

sincerehearts danasoft sig currently says
"Today is just another day in paradise"  ;D

Things Children Say (Real? - Maybe)

1.  Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.  Amanda

2.  Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.  Joyce

3.  Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.  Janet

4.  God, I read the Bible. What does beget men? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

5.  Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?  Charlene

6.  Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?  Anita

7.  Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.  Nancy

8.  Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn

9.  Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?  Love, Dennis

10.  Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does?  Nathan

11.  Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?  Norma

12.  Dear God, in Bible times, did they really talk that fancy?  Jennifer

13.  Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?  Billy

14.  Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.  Peter

15.  Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. If works out OK with me and my brother.  Larry

16.  Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.  Mark

17.  Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born, but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?  Marsha

18.  Dear God, if you watch in church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes.  Barbara

19.  Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?  Donny

20.  Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying that because you are already God.  Charles

21.  Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?  Jeff

22.  Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really.  Frank

23.  Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.  Thomas

Parent Definitions

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".