ChristiansUnite Forums

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before


2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits


3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits


4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game


5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too


6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His


7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First


8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking


9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging


10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire


11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up


12. Introduction to Parking


13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space


14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat


15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter


16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption


17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People


18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully


19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His


20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To


21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have


22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice


23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together


24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both


25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

I agree :)

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

 :P

Good One LOL ;D ;D ;D ;D

EVE ATE ADAM OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME ;D

Good, I have a few women I know who need this workshop!


He must have known it would be the only way :P ;D

A4C ...I know for a certian  that Irish Angel settled this
blame game a long time ago...eve took a bite and adam finished it off...!  :P


pfftttttttt  :P

Q: What do you call a man who is always tired, miserable and irritable?
A: Normal.

...n you think females are difficult!  ::)

:D

Married ;D

Thats what my wife said too... HA HA HA HA

LOL!  :-X

“Women, you can’t live with them, and they can’t pee standing up”

-Hayseed, from “Major League 2”

 ;D ;D

Signing her up for this one...


...an' this one...


...an' this one every 28 days for the next 32 years...

Good one!  ;D

 ;D

Was thinkin' it.  Would NEVER[/b] say it.  Namely because I'm married and want to stay that way! hehehee

great stuff!!!

plus 1

how beautiful they are when they aren't speaking

he-he-he-he
(Could you add eating to that?)
he-he-he-he
(How about driving???)
he-he-he-he

Oooooo - I'm in trouble now!  I KNOW women come in here and read the posts!

*AHEM*

how beautiful they are when they aren't speaking

(http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/fighting/fighting63.gif)

he-he-he-he
(Could you add eating to that?)
he-he-he-he
(How about driving???)
he-he-he-he

(http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/fighting/fighting30.gif)

Oooooo - I'm in trouble now!  I KNOW women come in here and read the posts!

(http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/fighting/fighting26.gif)

Now let me see..... If I forward these responses to ALL your wives then you guys could have your silent AND hungry households. And you guys could run ALL the errands..... In other words.... I'M TELLING!
(http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RwDdAlUV**zFulU4aP!vV8*Uz4n5yV*MT8FuVezHLCQpmitB*P5wlr3DLWB1nTYUQnBGa9RrEVVxLM2vBfmdCiRpkOK27IQ7FkivOwBR8yI/image322.gif?dc=4675463760745449046)

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D.

The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.  Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking into the compact the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

I think my wife's most beautiful when she's cooking, or cleaning, or .... ya know, doin' woman's work!   ;D

I think my wife's most beautiful when she's cooking, or cleaning, or .... ya know, doin' woman's work!

You didn't go there, did you? Tell me you didn't go there!

What was your wife's e-mail address, again?  ;)

 ;D  heheeheee...NOT tellin'!  Oooooohwaitaminutehere....she sometimes reads my posts here.  I'minrealbigtimetroublenowyessireebob!

We know everything. We are watching. We are reading.

We know everything. We are watching. We are reading.

Kinda just says it all!  ;)


heheeheee...NOT tellin'!  Oooooohwaitaminutehere....she sometimes reads my posts here.  I'minrealbigtimetroublenowyessireebob!

Oh Mrs. Allinall, m'am.... may want to do a quick lookie through on his previous posts!  ;D

*wonders if we can hear his belly growl from here*

Uhoh.  In trouble and hungry.  This ain't gonna be good...

A man is not complete until he is married...
Then he is finished.

Sooooo much wisdom in that statement, Brother, soooo much wisdom....
 ;D

real Amish saying (without the accent): The most beautiful sight is a woman working.

A man is not complete until he is married...
Then he is finished.

And when the wives get a hold of this thread, you guys are all REALLY finished!  MWAHAHAHAHA!

 8)

I married Miss Right

I just didn't realize her first name was Always.

==========================

When my wife and I go out I always hold her hand.

If I let go she starts shopping.

That's right ML - also;

My father taught me to always say "yes ma-am" and "no ma'am".

My wife taught me that "yes ma'am" is all that is needed.

Women respond according to how men behave.    

We always hear "The Rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the 4-4-2 formation, or cars/bikes.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Brother Michael - I've been "on the couch" for going on 10 years now.  It really IS like camping - except that the firdge is in easy reach!  ;D

Lol, great stuff! Keep it up!  ;D

I'm not married, so I have no worries... Never had a girlfriend either...  :'( :-\

Oh well. These a real funny anyways...

Not to worry Izar ;) You're young yet. I'm a chick so ofcourse it's different, but I didn't have my first boyfriend till I was 18. And truth be told it's not all it's cracked up to be. So enjoy you're time only having to worry about youself. God has a plan we just don't know what it is yet :) I'm 26 & still not married , so if I can hang in there you can too! ;D

Mamiee

Over in the women's forum someone refered to themselves as "peabrained"

Visualize ...you are dust...

now...imagine...whirling peas   :P

Forecast:  Whirling peas warning, Dust storm inevitable. You will be scattered.

Perhaps you will be scatterbrained and they being self proclaimed peabrains will make for another fine mess Stanley.
 ;) ::)

it could also be the rareist sight, a woman actually working.... to many "liberated" broads now days.....

(I'm running for cover)


he he he he he he

it could also be the rareist sight, a woman actually working.... to many "liberated" broads now days.....


Gollee.... why work? I can sit on the couch all day and watch soap operas and eat bob-bons......

ROFL!!!!!!!!

I Do Not agree at all!!!


 Men need to Learn to put the Toliet Seat DOWN!!!!!!  :P :P

 :P

This is another fine mess, ou've gotten us into to Stanley. ;D

Why there are no women in my home....... ;D

(http://www.fsite.com/ebay/argh.gif)

CLUELESS
Definition:Webster's Dictionary
1. not providing any clue.
2. completely uninformed or unaware; hopelessly ignorant; utterly bewildered.
3. A man.

 :P

I dont much care if satan agrees with me, as a matter of fact I`d be much worried if he did  ;D

 ;D

well deleting satans comments left me sounding certifiable  :-X




k...now thats just funny!

Thanks admin or mods for making me look totally delussional!  :P

*mumbles*





sings "I Can't See Clearly Now!"

Oklahoma Howdy to Shylynne,

 ;D   ;D  Sister, I will vouch for your sanity, but I don't know who will vouch for mine.

ROFL!
I knew you were sitting there laughing at me BEP!  
Lets put it this away, your every bit as sane as I am  :P

No really! You sounded certifiable before then!  ;D

Okay.......................




sounding like a nut?? talking in the air??
Yes that is funny. ;) ;D

By the way, I deleted satans post. ;D

Your welcome.........

for looking delussional. Are you sure you can see clearly now?? ;D

I will vouch for your beeps, but who will vouch for mine?? :(

Just like you did??

*Sings* "I Can See Clearly Now!" ;D

OUCH!  :-X

OUCH!  :-X




 :P *ignoring again*

CANT!  :P

Watch yerself boy, i`m a crackpot with a slingshot!  :P

ok so i`m not a crackshot...truth is I couldnt hit the side of a BARN with my eyes uncrossed...

which makes me wonder why sincereheart said OUCH  ;D

*rofl*

Remember you said it not me. Quoted for all time..  ;D

SIncereheart said ouch, in case you did hit her. ;D ;D ;D :P :P

 ;D   ;D  Well, it seems there is one conclusion:

We're all crackpots.


 ;D   ;D

hehehehehee

I've got 3.  I jest with my wife that when my girls get older, there will be a week every month when I disappear.  She jests back that I'll probably only have 1 week when I'd want to appear.   :D  She funny!  And probably right, so DW...when can I move in?   ;D



Yes.  I'm kidding.

 tops up allinall`s cup with more HOT coffee  8)

Anytime you want brother.

Uh huh, where is my coffee?? :'(

Well I THOUGHT you made hit the broad side of my barn!  :P

There ya go!  ;D

Sadly, probably true!  :-X

 ;D

You sure?  ;)

Only for those outnumbered by women?  :P

And probably not much of a consolation prize!  ;D

Sadly, probably true!
I changed it so it is correct.
Sadly, that is true! ;D

This thread is a misnomer! Women DO know -- they just don't always let on!  :P

Uh huh, thats why you are reading this thread. ;D

If we dont read the thread we wont ever know what you think we dont know and be able to correct you, which would seem to indicate we dont know what goes on inside a mans head, seemingly  ::)

There ya go! What she said!  ;D

ROFL

Comming from crackpot with a slingshot, thats advice worth heeding!    ;D   :P

 ;D

If I have a question, I simply ask my wife. If she doesn't know, it's not worth knowing. She is looking over my shoulder, and she's the most intelligent person I've ever met.

Love In Christ,
Tom

ROFL!!!!!  A farm girl dont need a slingshot to make you holler OUCH!  :P
   




Toms wife has him so beautifully trained! It just makes a gal teary eyed! *sniff* :'(

Did you think that we don't always want women to know what we think? ;) ;)

 ;D

??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

Yup, it sure is............  ;D
But you forgot about the insane part ollie.

;D
My wife us to do the same thing.

Uh huh, that slingshot got you again, did it? ;D

Don't I know it!    LOL   (http://www.rr-bb.com/images/smilies/crutch.gif)
   



(http://www.rr-bb.com/images/smilies/doh.gif)

;D

(By Email - Is this real?)

Subject: KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's not relevant.

I`m certain this joke is not relevant to my being blond or my laughing at  BEP  :P

That's a sight, bep.

Mmmmm, fresh biscuit dough.

Now I do have to taste the biscuit dough when it's being made.


   ;D


Now you've got me hungry for some of those fresh, hot, steaming powder milk biscuits.

   :'(

If they're made right, you don't need anything on them.  Just the biscuit.

   :)

Maybe some hot, steaming black coffee.  


   :)

 That goes to show that Eve must of been a Blonde to be duped by the serpent and ate of the fruit.  8)LOL :D ;D :P

Shylynne,

 ;D Sister, I figured this story had to be bogus. The biscuit victim had to be a man. WOW!, it would be difficult for a man to go through life with a name of Linda.   ;D

(Small Print: hiding)

Linda, is she a doughy blonde?? ;D

This space has  been renovated and will now be CU Central  for  CLUES FOR MEN




  ;D

Men, they're singing the blues.   ;D

ha ha, ya better sing buster!!!  ;D

Blessings,  \o/

MsGuidedAngel

It sure looks like it brother.

cool...grand opening party  8)

LOL, ROFL ShyLynne!!! ;D *tee hee*  ;D

  ;D

 ;D   I'll take Politics of Borneo for $100 Please.   ;D

Oh no you dont...women choose the clues!




 And i`m geographically impaired so no  picking  things like islands in the south china sea to make me look blond  :P

ROFLOL ;D ;D ;D



(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)

Sad News  to report:

It is with the  saddest heart that I must pass on  the
following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon  of the
entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of  celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the CaliforniaRaisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima
delivered the  eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later
life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times he  still, was a
crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two
children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his  elderly dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was  held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Sincereheart,

 ;D   ;D  The news of my demise is greatly exaggerated.

I just spent the last few days watching my girls be sick with colds.  The oldest cried at everything that happened.  Not just a tear, but wailing and sobbing.  The younger got angry at everyone and everything and yelled until she ended up sobbing.  This, is NOT[/b] a good sign of future circumstance.   :D

ROFL!  ;D

(you're way too skinny  ;))

*gulps* Just wait till they become teens!  :-X

you know that makes me glad i have no sisters

Then you'll be infor trouble, Allinall. (http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/mhihi.gif)  Been there done that, not much help I know but..................

Its a blast watching them grow up.

I agree :)


(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)

Your BAD ;D


(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)

Least I am in good company. ;D

Clue: Now that you have (if you have a clue at all) finally come to the  conclusion you will never completely understand women, then dont even begin to think you will ever understand teenage women!

   ;D

 ;D   ;D

I'll have you know that my wife gives me a clue and tells me whatever I need to know any time I want. AND, my grown daughter with children helps her. SO, I am not clueless! I write all my clues down and keep them in a safe place. I just can't remember where.   ;D

 :P

Tom dont you know man invented the swinging door to post all the reminder notes from his wife? I`m sure women invented the actual refridgerator thats attached to the  swinging door tho just in case you were  puffin up with lil bit of pride  :P