Print Page - Clean Jokes

How to Find a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. On a personal note: This will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (1Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

Finally: A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1Corinthians 7:32-35)

Housewives Woes!!

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?" ::) :o ;D

Biblical Wives Complaints

Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!!"

Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!!" (Gen 12:19)

Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!!!"

Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!!"

David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!!"

More Biblical Wives Complaints

Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs"

Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!!" (Luke 1:44)

Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!!"

Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!!"

And the number one complaint made by a biblical wife is:

Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you?andquot; How do you feel now andquot;Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public!" (Mat 27:19

Addicted to Quilting

She learned to quilt on Monday.
Her stitches all were very fine.
She forgot to thaw out dinner.
So we went out to dine.

She quilted miniatures on Tuesday.
She says they are a must.
They really were quite lovely.
But she forgot to dust.

On Wednesday it was a sampler.
She says stippling's fun.
What highlights! What Shadows!
But the laundry wasn't done.

Nine patches were on Thursday -
Green, yellow, blue and red.
I guess she really was engrossed;
She never made the bed.

It was wall hangings on Friday,
In colors she adores.
It never bothered her at all,
That crumbs were on the floors.

I found a maid on Saturday,
My week is now complete.
My wife can quilt the hours away;
The house will still be neat.

Well, now it's only Sunday,
I think I'm about to wilt.
I cursed, I raved, I ranted,
Cause the MAID has learned to QUILT!!!!!!!!!!!~ :D ;D :D ;D

Going to Bed

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.

A Bad Upgrade

Dear Technical Support,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Fishing weekend 10.3 and Bowling bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell

To: Mr. Powell

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES and ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once it is installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire system regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.

The best course of action will be to push apologize button, then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but is very high maintenance.

Tech Support

Tattle Tale Wife

A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realize you were doing 80 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.

"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.

The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."

The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car."

That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.

"No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seat belt on," says the driver's wife.

"Stupid woman," the driver explodes, "can't you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?"

The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"

"Oh, no, officer," she says, "only when he's drunk."

Where Have You Been

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve. ;D ;D

The Sandwich

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too.

"The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.

The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

"Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

A Redneck's Love Song

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds...
It's a new troll'n motor!!

Mountain Tech Talk

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

In A Redneck Church

1. People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
2. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.
3. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
5. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
13. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optional)

The Remedy

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house and put it halfway up a mountain."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

Dirty-six Things A Redneck Won't Say

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate."

I Know Them All

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

Car Crashes

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Crud!"

Only the deep South was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, watch this!"

The Pig

This redneck was parked behind a trailer load of pigs near the zoo in Washington, DC. As the truck drove away--one of the pigs fell out. He walked over and picked the pig up and placed it in the front seat of his truck.

He was sitting there looking puzzled when a policeman walked up and asked what was going on. He told the story and the policeman recommended he take the pig to the zoo.

The redneck was sitting in the same spot the next day with the pig sitting up in the front seat. The cop said "didn't I ask you to take this pig to the zoo?"

The redneck replied "I did and he liked it so well--today I'm taking him to the movies!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pig, also known to cause allergic reactions in muslims ;D ;D

The Mirror

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My gosh! How'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"

Fishing License

A couple of rednecks were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one ..."

Rights For Rednecks

1. You have the right to remain motionless, boy.

2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth to devour your backside.

3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.

4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his pursuit of you in full stride whereupon catching you he will devour your backside.

5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.

6. Good luck. On your mark, get set.... GO!!!!! ;D ;D

Etiquette

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a gotcha63bund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles - even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back a coffee.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. (It maybe your aunt La Belle)
2. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Redneck Medical Dictionary

Artery: The study of paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What to do when patients die.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Catscan: Hunting for Kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
DandC: Where Washington is.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than the other guy.
Fibula: A small lie.
Genital: Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series: World series of military baseball.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Lower G.I.: Privates and Corporals.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: Not a doubt.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Darn near killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor: One more than one.
Urine: Opposite of you're out.
Upper G.I.: Colonels and Generals.
Varicose: Near by/close by.

You're A Redneck Jedi If:

1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
3. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
4. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
5. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
6. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
7. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
8. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
9. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
10. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
11. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
12. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
13. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

Since I posted wives jokes, its only fair I post this:

Husbands' Quotes

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman................................
Since then, neither God nor man has rested. ;D ;D

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your will power."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

A Penny for Your Thoughts

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

The FianceThe Fiance

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancee to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.

"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God." ;D

Husband Speak

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means....
There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars."

"That's women's work." Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

Husband Speak Part 2

"Will you marry me?" Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"I do help around the house." Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you." Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means....
"Oh, lordy, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means....
"This time we won't use the drive-thru window."

The Perfect Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $130,032..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?"

"Only $950,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $900,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Prognosis Not Good

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

1. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."
2. "At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
3. "For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores."
4. "Satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.

She replied "You're going to die."

Low Energy Problem

A man went to the doctor because he was concerned about his lessening level of energy. He told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

I Saw Nothing

One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their wives. The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared... and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her that from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye. ;D ;D

Training for Husbands

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut or Taco Bell
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure"Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

You Were There

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I consider all that, I think you bring me bad luck!" :o :o

Perfume Purchase

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

That Special Day

I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" :o

New Found Respect

There were these three guys talking. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow puffs out his chest and says, "Well, I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me crawling on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed! Their eyes are wide and they have a newfound respect for this guy. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third fellow sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!'"

Very Brave Men

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

Major Problem

A major was assigned to a new office on a military base. While he worked to set up his office, a private knocked on the door. The major quickly picked up the phone and motioned for the private to enter.

On the phone the major said, "Yes, General Schwarzkopf, I think that is an excellent idea. . . . No sir, that's fine, you feel free to call me any time. I'm glad I can help. . . . Yes sir, I will, and you give my best to your family as well. Thank you sir, and a good day to you too, General Schwarzkopf."

As the major hung up the phone he turned to the private and asked, "What can I do for you, private?"

Sheepishly, the private mumbled, "Um, sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone."

Sales Pitch

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Military Laws

- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
- No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
- Friendly fire ain't.
- The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
- The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already has it mined.
- The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
- Incoming fire has the right of way.
- If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
- If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
- The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
- Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

Secure The Building

One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;

The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.

The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.

Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defenses with suppressive fire and amphibious assault vehicals, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose ;D

But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

You Need A Sticker

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Veterans' Talk

Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

Divert Your Course

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operation 10-10-95

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No...I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse.... Divert YOUR course.

No Room at the Inn

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,' ...and he sat up all night watching me."

The Wild Child

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Jumper's Question

When doing my para training with British Airborne we did our first two descents from 800 ft from a static Barrage-balloon with a cage suspended below, (the other six jumps from aircraft).

Standing in the door of the cage with no sound except the gentle breeze blowing past and a very long way down, a recruit was heard to ask the R.A.F. Dispatcher, "If the parachute doesn't open, how long will it take me to hit the ground from 800 ft?"

The dispatcher calmly remarked, "You'll be about halfway through The Lord's Prayer".

What Would You Have Done

The two thousand member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service." ;D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love this joke, there are so many out there that would run awaay from Jesus, though they say differently

Just the Truth

Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism one family thought they had better do something to witness to Jesus. So they invited their neighbours to dinner the following Friday night.

When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home.

So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.

Little Johnny was a bit shy. "I don't know what to say" There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy's mother.

"Well darling," she said, " just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning."

Obediently, the boy repeated, "Oh God, we've got those awful people coming to dinner tonight" :o :o ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Trying to Help

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Learning Information

Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time'.

Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman'.

The priest asks, 'was it Mrs Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply.

'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? Again the reply was 'No, Father'.

'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat said, Father, I'll not be teling you the lady's name!

So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.

Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did you do'? Pat said, 'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects'!

The Millionaire

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.

"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."

He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."

Thou Shalt Not Lie

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

Religion in Ireland

There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. "What's your religion?" he heard the man growl.

Bobby (the player) had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.

Thinking quickly he said "I'm Jewish." and the man replied, "Oh Allah I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland."

A Sure Bet

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

The Sahara

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

Drunk on the Subway

A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be hornswaggled," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

Give Me A Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you," she says.

"Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts,

"Where are you?"

"I'm over here," the stranger replies, "on your swing."

The Drunk at Church

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

A Bad Day

A little guy is sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink for about a half-hour. A big trouble making truck driver comes up to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

This one is a lil stinker (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v605/DreamWeaver000/skunk.gif)

Language difficulties

A Chinese went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol.

The producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "What was that for?"

The producer ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you $B%'%'(J@@!!$B%'%'(J! My dad perished in that bombing!"

"I am not Japanese, you stupid Nincompoop! I am a Chinese!"

"Yeah yeah yeah ...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, ... you are all the same."

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a deadly snake fist to the producer, sending him flat to the floor.

"What was that for?!!" exclaimed the producer.

"That's for the sinking of the TITANIC! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.

"You ignorant chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg! " shouted the producer.

"Yeah yeah yeah... Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... you are all the same!"

Want to Go to Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

What's in the Pocket

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But ya gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Round and Round

Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here.

St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second. St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.

Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?"

St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan." (http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k33/DreamWeaver987_2006/weeeeeeee.gif)

(http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k33/DreamWeaver987_2006/manynanas.gif)

Welcome To America

A foreign visitor was being given a tour of Washington, D.C. one day by an American friend of hers. She was amazed at the size of the Monuments, the Congressional Buildings, and so forth. Finally she gazed upon the White House itself.

"My, that's an incredibly large building!" she remarked.

"Yes, it's pretty big, alright." said her friend.

"Big? It's huge!! About how many people work in there?" she asked.

"Oh... about half."

Render Unto Caesar

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $50.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $50.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read:

"Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those devil's took half of it.

The Slap

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

The Liberal Democrat Way

Fifty thousand people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out and a refund was due.

The team was about to send out refunds when someone stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the their interpretation of fairness. After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the richest people.

Their plan says:

- People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they had less money to spend.

- People in the $15 seats will get back $15, because that's only fair.

- People in the $25 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund.

- People in the $50 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they already have way too much money to spend.

- People driving by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, just because they need the most help.

Can I see President Obamanation

A man walks up to the Marine guard at the White House front gate and asked to see President Obamanation. The guard says "Sorry sir but the Obama is no longer president."

The man comes back the next day and again approaches the same guard and asks to see President Obamanation. Again the guard says "Sir, Obama is no longer president." The man leaves but comes back the third day and again asked to see President Obamanation.

The guard says "Sir...you have been here three days in a row asking to see President Obama. . . . . . and I have told you each time that Obama is no longer president...what gives?"

The man says "I know... I just like hearing Obamanation is not the President."

A Busload of Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Help the United States

One night, President Obama was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Obama saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Obama asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Obama didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Obama asked.

"Go to the theater." :o

Politics and Kittens

Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"

The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," the child says. "Oh that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.

A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

Al Gore says to Bill, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Al Gore says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill that kind of kittens they are."

The boy replies, "They're Republicans."

"Whoa!" Al Gore says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

Locked Out

Two Washington politicians had locked themselves out of their car, and unfortunately some important papers they needed for a meeting were inside. "Let's use a coat hanger to pull up the lock," suggested the first.

"Oh, no," argued the second. "Someone might see us and think we were trying to break in."

"Then we could use my pocketknife to cut away the rubber around the window and stick our fingers through to pull up the lock."

"No, no! People would think we're too stupid to know how to use a coat hanger to open cars."

"Well, we'd better do something fast. The top's down and it's starting to rain."

Letter to Heaven

A little boy wanted 100 dollars badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, they decided to send it to the President

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a 10 dollar bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the money and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:

Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, and as usual, those jerks deducted 90%. Love, Tommy

Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."

Obama Meets The Pope

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Obama. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Obama emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Obama declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Obama just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed".

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

A Happy World

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."

Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."

Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."

Improvements

The Old Cherokee Chief sat in his humble reservation hut smoking his ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two visiting U.S. Government officials who had been sent to interview his opinion of the white man's progress.

"Chief", one offical began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products -- you have seen all his progress and his problems."

The Chief nodded "Yes".

The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:

"When white found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty deer, turkey and beaver. Women did most of the cooking and crop work. Medicine man free to help sick. Indian men hunted and fished all the time. We never had cheating hushands and wives--we kill cheaters."

The Chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"

What's He Going To Be

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. So they decided to do a small test.

They put a note on the front hall table that they had left. Around the note they put a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father told his wife, "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a pastor, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a no-good drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son read the note that they had left.

Then he took the ten-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flipped through it, and put it under his arm.

Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead and said: "This is worse than I could ever have imagined!"

"What? asked the wife.

"Our son is going to be a politician!"

Clinton and the Frog

The President takes the day off work to elude the press corps and Hillary. He decides to go out golfing. Bill gives the slip to the Secret Service guys and ends up, unrecognized, at a small public course in Maryland. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron."

The President looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit, 9 iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his club away and grabs his 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog."

The President decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the President asks.

"Ribbit, 3 wood."

Bill takes out a 3 wood and WHAM!, hole in one. The President is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the President golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Las Vegas." They go to Andrews AFB and fire up Air Force One file for clearance direct to Las Vegas, and arrive at 4 AM, still unnoticed, at a casino. Bill says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit, roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the President asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit, $300,000, black, 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, Clinton figures what the heck.Whoosh! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The President takes his winnings and his new buddy, First Frog (FF), and heads back to DC. Bill sets the FF on a cushion on his desk in the Oval Office and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money, and I and the Democratic National Committee are forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, kiss me."

Bill figures, why not? Since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 25-year-old woman.

"And that, Mr. Starr, is how she ended up in my office."

Politician and the Butter

A Senator is in a restaurant and the waiter brings over the rolls, but no butter. "May I have some butter, please?" The waiter gives a slight nod and wanders off. Ten minutes later, still no butter. The senator catches his eye.

"May I have some butter, Please?"

Still the vaguest of responses, and after ten more minutes, still no butter.

"Maybe you don't know who I am," says the senator. "I'm a Princeton graduate, a Rhodes scholar, an All-American basketball player who played with the New York Knicks in the pros, and I'm currently a United States senator, chairman of the International Debt Subcommittee of the Senate Finance Committee, chairman of the Water and Power Subcommittee of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, and a member of the Senate Select Intelligence Committee."

"Maybe you don't know who I am," said the waiter. "I'm the guy who's in charge of the butter".

The Right Answer

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing Vacation to Europe. While visiting Europe, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is tosurround herself with intelligent people.

He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen.

She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old Friends to the test.

He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if You can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and Get back to you?" Gore agrees and Clinton hangs up.

Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle Over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, And your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.

Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims. "I Know the answer Al! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!!

And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

Demon Drink

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude towards whiskey.

"If you mean that demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts need funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.

This is my position, and I will not compromise"

A Miracle Transformation

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

The Right Sign

An Amishman lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about these drivers."

So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the Amishman again called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens."

So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

Again, no change. So the Amishman called and called, every day for three weeks. Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works better."

He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the Amishman. After three weeks, he decided to call the Amishman and see how things were going.

"Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the Amishman's house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

Collateral Required

An Amish man wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take some jewelry to city and sell it," said the Amish man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know what collateral means."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the Amish man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know what deposit means."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The Amish man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

Help Wanted

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:

[size=11]Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.[/size]

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."

The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

The Swearing Parrot

One day an elderly pastor confides in his parishioners that he's feeling a bit lonely and depressed. So one of the parishioners suggests to the pastor that he buy a pet. Thinking this a grand idea, the pastor hurries into town and after much deliberation, buys a parrot.

Unfortunately not five minutes after arriving home, the parrot starts hurling a string of expletives at the pastor.

After about an hour it gets to be too much, so the pastor walks up to the parrot, slaps him on the beak, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the parrot madder and he starts swearing at the pastor in even more colorful language.

Finally the pastor has had it and says, "All right, that's it. Grabbing a blanket, the pastor throws it over the parrot's cage and screams, "Now, SHUT UP!" Well, this really irritates the parrot and he starts clawing and scratching at the bars of his cage. Finally the pastor removes the blanket. Immediately the parrot starts right in on the pastor again.

By this time, the pastor is so infuriated that he grabs the parrot by the throat and throws him into the freezer. Well, the parrot starts swearing and thrashing about so loudly that the pastor is considering killing the bird. Just as he's thinking this, it gets very...very quiet.

At first the pastor just stares at the refrigerator, but then he starts to think that the parrot might be seriously injured. He becomes so worried that he runs over to the refrigerator and throws open the freezer door.

The parrot climbs out of the freezer, flaps the ice off his wings, and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I've caused you father. In the future, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary."

The pastor is astounded. He can't believe the sudden transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally the parrot turns to the pastor and says, "Um....by the way, what did the chicken do?"

The Christian Horse

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

Bear Alert

The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Beware of Dog

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.

"Yep, that's him," came the reply.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Doggie Contest

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?" Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Wake Up Call

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

Not Quite What He Wanted

A hunter raised his rifle and took careful aim at a large bear. When about to pull the trigger, the bear spoke in a soft soothing voice, "Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter."

Lowering his rifle, the hunter replied, "I want a fur coat."

"Good," said the bear, "that is a negotiable item. I only want a full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a compromise."

They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear walked away, alone. The negotiations had been successful.

The bear had a full stomach, and the hunter had his fur coat!

A Fish Tale

A big-time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.

"Fish," he finally exclaimed, "Give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."

"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."

The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."

"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.

Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said "All right fish, you win, three wishes."

Unfortunately, by then the fish was dead.

Gone to the Dogs

There was this man that had a dog. He came home one day, and his dog was belly up with its legs sticking in the air.

He wasn't sure if it was dead or not, so he took it to the vet. He told the vet of his problem, and the vet said that there was a sure-fire way to see if the dog is indeed dead.

He left the room and returned with a cat. He rubbed the cat in the dogs face, and after a while came to the conclusion that the dog was indeed dead.

The man was upset and asked the doctor how much he owed him. The doctor said, "$550" The man was stunned. He asked the doctor to explain and the doctor said, "Fifty for the visit, and 500 for the cat-scan..."

The Hamster and the Frog

A mangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"

The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.

The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.

Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!

A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.

The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"

"No", says

Horsing Around

Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days training. One says to the other "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race."

There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are tuckered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?".

The horses looked at one another and said "WOW, a talking dog!"

How to Tell the Weather

To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
The CAT

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

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Entertainment => Laughter (Good Medicine) => Topic started by: nChrist on July 15, 2017, 03:18:32 PM