ChristiansUnite Forums

My name is Dave. This is my first time to this site. I found it through a Google add on.
I am 52 yrs old. I have a 19 yr old son in college and living with me.  I have been a Christian
for most of my adult life. I would like to tell you I'm happily married but unfortunalely I can't. My wife of 21
years just informed me a week ago she is leaving me and moving to the other side
of the country.  So even though I assumed we were good I guess I must have missed the signs.
Love is blind??? 

  Anyway. I hope to be able to contribute to the community as well as draw some strength from you.

Thanks
Dave

Hello Dave,

WELCOME!


I'm very sorry to hear about your recent problems with your marriage. You and your family will be in my prayers. I don't know how personal you want to get, but have you considered Christian counseling or other outside help? Maybe the best question I could ask is do you want to talk about this? I'm not a counselor, but I was a police officer for 25 years and dealt with marriage problems frequently.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Tom,

   Thanks for the welcome.

   I believe most of our issues stem from my wife being Bi-Polar. We have been to counseling a few years back and got
her on medication. Things smoothed out quite a bit for a while. She has gone off the meds and refuses to admit she still needs them. About a year ago she began drinking again. (the worse thing you can do when Bi-Polar) .

  To make a long story short. She has no interest in further counseling and won't listen when tell her we can still salvage us.   I have decided to hand it over to God. At the moment I can only pray she comes to know Christ in a real way with or without me.

Thanks again.
Dave

Hello Dave,

I can understand how difficult a problem like this would be without your wife's cooperation or even desire to try.


Sadly, this may be the only answer. Drinking on top of refusal to take her medication would make things worse than just difficult. Just one of these alone would be a significant challenge, and she would have to be willing to accept help. It appears that the best thing I can do is to pray for you and your family. God still does as He pleases in heaven and on earth. In the meantime - KEEP LOOKING UP!

Love In Christ,
Tom

Hello Dave and welcome to the forum.

I am also sorry to hear of your problems and my prayers will be with you all in this.

Is it wrong to be tired of blaming myself for a marraige falling apart? Is it wrong to be tired of feeling like I'm  the only one for the past 15 years who tried to keep this marraige together and tried to keep things normal for my son?
Is it wrong to be angry at my wife (who is Bi Polar) for doing so many hurtful things to me and my son and insisted it was partly my fault because I was holding back my affection from her?  How do I get her to understand that I was tired of being betrayed and hid my emotions to keep from being hurt again? How do I get her to understand that I felt like the only adult in this relationship most of the time?

  How do I stop loving the part of her I see when she isn't under the effects of her disease? How do I stop hating the part of her that couldn't care less about anyone else but herself when the manic part of her shows up?.That's the part of her I see more and more the past 2 years. How do I stop being afraid for her if she  gives into her disease?

 Is it wrong to want this marraige to end?  Am I stupid for still seeing the good in her and still being in love with that part of her? I wish we could go back to a time before the Bi Polar showed up. I wish she would remember how great it was then and understand why I fought so hard for so long to make this work.



  I'm not expecting any answers. I'm just confused and needed to vent I guess. Maybe this isn't the best part of the Forum to get into this stuff.  If that's the case please feel free to move it to the proper area. 
Thanks

This part of the forum is called 'About You' and basically that is what your post is all about, you your son and wife, so it is fine here.

I can understand the need to vent. Something like this can be very frustrating. Especially so when the answers aren't coming easy or they are ones that we really don't want to have to face.

I will be praying that you will find the peace that you need even if you don't get the answers.

Dave,

I agree with what Soldier4Christ told you. You can't blame yourself for many things that you have no control over. Example: you can't force her back on her medication or counseling. Nobody can force her to take her medication unless she becomes a danger to herself and others and is committed to a mental facility. Even then, most facilities stabilize someone with medication and release them.

Otherwise, she is an adult with rights and can do the things that are causing you such heartache. She can go to the other side of the country if she has the means to do so. I don't know what her financial condition is or if she works. You are also an adult, so there are many things that you can't be forced to do unless you are given a proper hearing before a judge. The best advice I can give you right now is to do things carefully and prayerfully for all involved - certainly including your children. It doesn't sound like anything will be easy in any direction you go. In the meantime, just know that you and your family will be in my prayers. You are most welcome to vent here, and we will do the best we can to give you support as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Welcome to the Christians Unite forums, Dave. Having gone through two divorces, I know the pain you must be feeling. I hope you can find some comfort here.

Thanks everyone.
What a rollercoaster ride the last week. Things are starting to level off.  Now the countdown begins I guess.
Nothing to do now but give it to God and pray she will be OK once she leaves on Oct 10th.

I deleted my previous message. I'm sorry - I'm half asleep and didn't realize. That's what I get for making too many posts in one day. Can I assume that there's been no progress at all?

No Progress. She is determined to go. I seem to be more at peace with the thought of her leaving.  I imagine as the date gets closer I will get a bit of anxiety over it but I will be OK as will my son.

Well I found out on Monday there is another guy in the picture. I guess I should have known. I will continue to try and make things as easy as possible for both of us for her departure. 

  Keep giving it to God but sometimes it feels like he isn't listening. I know he is though.

You're right - God is listening. I was just thinking that the existence of another guy in the picture should show you that it's over - you've done all that you can. I also think that you're doing right to make things as easy as possible for all involved. You and your family will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Romans 8:24-28  For in hope were we saved: but hope that is seen is not hope: for who hopeth for that which he seeth?  25  But if we hope for that which we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.  26  And in like manner the Spirit also helpeth our infirmity: for we know not how to pray as we ought; but the Spirit himself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered;  27  and he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.  28  And we know that to them that love God all things work together for good, even to them that are called according to his purpose.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Thanks Tom.

  Yeah I guess I khew it was over before. I blamed myself quite a bit for a while then moved on to blaming her.
I'm trying to get a handle on the whole thing now. Emotions are like a roller coaster right now and I'm hardly sleeping. I know that will pass in time. I am reading a good book right now that has shed some light on what
I'm going through. It's by a Christian couple that have been where I am now. One thing I learned is that
she is the one taking the easy way out (doing the immature thing) instead of doing the hard thing staying around and working on it. Somehow that makes me feel better. I know I had a part in it but at least I never quit.

Anyway.... Small steps now..I will be be Ok in time. When I come out the on other side I can only hope
it will bring glory to God.

Hello Dave,

I was just thinking that it's unknown how long it's been since you've experienced any peace with all that's going on. With that in mind, maybe the end results of this will be a positive thing. I'm sure that living in warfare under your own roof gets old pretty quick. I'll be hoping and praying that God works everything out for your good. Things may also be better for your son. Maybe the best is yet to come and you'll experience a peace that you haven't known in many years.

In the meantime, know that you'll be in my prayers. Please keep us posted and let us know if there is something more specific we need to pray for.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Thanks Tom,

  I have been "exercising some demons" lately. I guess I should say God has been pointing out
a few things I need to fix.

  Laying awake in bed a few nights ago long after I went to bed I couldn't sleep. I had already done
my nightly devotionals and couldn't fall asleep. I've had a lot of slepless nights since my wife told me
she was leaving. That night God brought to my mind what I had also done in my relationship with my
wife. It broke me. I had been selfish. I don't think I was selfish on purpose but I was selfiish.
I held our relationship up to a standard no one could live up to.

  I grew up in a very loving home. I never saw conflict between my parents. They always kept that
part from us kids. That was my image of what married life was all abouit. No conflict. My wife on the
other hand came from a broken home that saw conflict all the time.When my own marriage hit snags
I didn't know how to deal with it properly. I didn't realize it then but I think I blamed her. I think I
expected her to be perfect even when I wasn't. I didn't see my imperfections.

  My wife keeps telling me she never felt good enough and that she could never measure up to my standards.
I never understood what she meant. She could never point to a time when I made her feel like she wasn't
good enough. So I just passed it off as her imagination.  I was wrong.  I was holding us both up to a standard
that was impossible to obtain.

  Anyway. I should have tried to understand and try to see things from where she came from. I should have been selfless in my marriage. I wasn't.

 Fortunately She hadn't gone to bed yet so I went into the room across the hall where she is sleeping now and we had a long talk. I told her what God revealed to me and that I was sorry for putting her through that. I told
her it was OK to blame me and to hate me. She said she wouldn't do that and was happy I shared that with her.


 We have talked more deeply the last few days since then than we have in years. I know she is still leaving and it still hurts like crazy. I know I have issues that I need God to reveal still and so does she. At least we won't part hating each other. Maybe at the moment that's the best I can hope for.

 God is doing a work in us and it scares the hell out of me literally. I don't want to go through this pain and I don't want that for her either.  But who am i to questions God and his ways? I'll just hold on and pray that we can both glorify him when it's over.

God Bless,
Dave

Brother Dave,

I really don't know what to tell you with these recent developments. Of course, neither of you are perfect, and a guilt-trip is pretty common from one or both parties. However, I also know there are many things beyond your control that aren't your fault. I saw my share of domestic problems over a 25 year career in law enforcement. You can't blame yourself for all that's gone wrong (i.e. her mental condition, another man, etc.). You appear to be at a most difficult point:  trying to decide if you want to try some more to save this marriage. Nobody can answer that but you, and the involvement already of another man I'm sure is a key issue. Who knows what God will lead you to do. In the meantime, just know that you're in my prayers.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Tom,

  I understand I am not the only one at fault here but I have to deal with my part in it.
I'm not going to try and salvage my marraige at this point. Too much has happened the
last few years and I think we both need time to heal and figure things out.  I'm trying
to follow Gods prompting and get the healing started. I'm not sure if there will ever
be a future for us again but I can't worry about that now. I am trying to learn from my
mistakes and move forward the best I can.  The pain will be with me for a long time.(maybe forever)
If that's the case then I guess that will just make me lean on God more.

Thanks for the wise counsel and the prayers.

Dave

Hello Brother Dave,

It sounds to me like you're already on the right path, especially the leaning on God part. Keep us posted and let us know if there is something more specific we need to pray for. In the meantime - KEEP LOOKING UP!

Love In Christ,
Tom