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Title: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on January 15, 2010, 08:56:57 AM Library Argument
On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures. Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on January 19, 2010, 12:19:29 AM Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind." Now that is funny, thanks for the laugh brother. Bob Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on January 19, 2010, 12:27:09 AM And since you started off with A.S.L. jokes......................
I turned out the light Two deaf men are signing to each other. The first man asks, "What did your wife say when you got home late last night? The second man replies, "She swore a blue streak" And the first man asks, "What did you do then?" And the second man replies, "I turned out the light." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Deaf Mafia A Mafia gang takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear conversations. However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it. The mobsters track him down, but don't find the money on him. As none of them are able to use sign language, they bring in an interpreter. Mobster: "Where'd you hide the money?" (Interpreter signs the question.) The bag man signs his reply. The interpreter says, "He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him." Mobster: "I'm not fooling around! You better tell me where that money is!" (Interpreter again signs.) The bag man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, "He swears he is telling the truth. He had to get rid of it." The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the deaf man's eyes. "Tell me where that money is, or I'll kill you right now!" (Interpreter signs his statement.) The bag man, sweating profusely, signs, "It's inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet." The interpreter says, "He says he doesn't know where it is and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lip Reading Researchers tell us that only about 25 percent of what is said can be understood by lipreading. For example: Suppose a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean this place up, your stuff is lying all over on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear tomorrow unless we do the laundry right now!" Her lipreading husband will get: THIS, blah, blah, blah, C'MON YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, OVER, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON blah, blah, NO blah, blah, blah, WEAR, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Hearing Aid An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" ;D ;D Title: Bear Flight Post by: nChrist on January 19, 2010, 12:56:25 AM ;D ;D ROFL! Thanks Brother - I needed those laughs.
Now - for my groaner: _________________________________ Bear Flight During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Americans, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname. As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear." Title: Plane Programming Post by: nChrist on January 19, 2010, 03:23:29 PM Plane Programming
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off. Title: Hiccup Cure Post by: nChrist on January 21, 2010, 12:50:48 PM Hiccup Cure
A man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist. When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give him a cure for the hiccups. The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face. "What'd you do that for?" the man asked. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" "No," the man replied, "but my wife out in the car still does!" Title: Rustic Dining Post by: nChrist on February 01, 2010, 12:26:39 PM Rustic Dining
As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher. One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now stay there this time." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on February 01, 2010, 10:49:52 PM HARD OF HEARING WIFE
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She replied, "For the third time, Yes!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SILENT AND ODORLESS: A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I pass gas HUNDREDS of times a day." He tells the doctor that it's silent and odorless. Then he says, "Doctor, you won't believe this but I've passed gas ten times while we've been talking." So the doctor gives him some pills, "Here, take two of these every day and come see me in two weeks." The guy comes back in one week complaining, Doctor, what's in these pills? I still have the gas, it's still silent, but now it smells absolutely TERRIBLE!" The doctor says, "Well that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PIGS: Question: What language do pigs speak? Answer: Swine language. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PORCUPINES: Question: What language do porcupines speak? Answer: Spine language. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Billboards: Question: What language do billboards speak? Answer: sign language ;D ;D Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on February 01, 2010, 10:52:29 PM FROGS:
There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and carefully observed the animal. After staring at it for a considerable amount of time, the scientist finally said: "JUMP!" And the frog lept. The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book: "Frogs can jump." The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his log book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the frog legs and said: "JUMP!" And the frog jumped. The scientist quickly added to his log book: "Frogs can jump with three legs." The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through the same routine, cutting off another of the frog legs. As he was staring at the wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said: "JUMP!" And the frog jumped. The scientist then added to his previous observations: "Frogs can jump with two legs." On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits and removed a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said: "JUMP!" And the frog jumped. Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all this. He wrote down in his log book: "Frogs can jump with only one leg!" Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, already thrilled by what new discoveries he might make. As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left of the animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the frog legs. He then said: "JUMP!" But alas the frog did not leap. "JUMP! JUMP!" exclaimed the scientist. Still, the frog did not leap. "JUMP!" yelled the scientist. The frog did not leap. The scientist, then wrote down in his log book: "Frogs when deprived of all legs become deaf." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on February 01, 2010, 10:56:37 PM WIFE FELL OUT:
A fellow who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night, and of course, his car is weaving all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AIDS: One day at the end of a church meeting, the person conducting asked, "is there was anything more that needs to be brought up before we end the meeting?" One of the oldest members slowly raised his hand. "Yes. I guess I should tell you that I'm going to have to resign my position." Most of the members around the table looked surprised at the gentleman. He continued, "I went to the doctor the other day. I now have AIDS." Astonishment filled the room. As they starred at him in amazement, he went on. "It's true. I now have an aid in my left ear and another in my right ear!" Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on February 02, 2010, 03:26:54 PM ;D ;D ROFL!
Thanks! - Your posts were much better than my groaners. Title: Reading Glasses Post by: nChrist on February 03, 2010, 08:14:51 AM Reading Glasses
I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the computer better". When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses. I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read." Title: Shirt Note Post by: nChrist on February 09, 2010, 03:32:40 PM Shirt Note
The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo. Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt." Title: Newborn Utterance Post by: nChrist on February 09, 2010, 03:33:39 PM Newborn Utterance
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?" Title: Sister Repair Post by: nChrist on February 10, 2010, 01:38:13 PM Sister Repair
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver. "I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us. Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?" Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on February 11, 2010, 12:45:22 PM THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over and help me.I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,it's a tiger." He decides to go over and help with the puzzle.She lets him in and shows him the puzzle spread all over the table.He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box,then turns to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on February 11, 2010, 01:17:35 PM ;D ;D ROFL! - Thanks! - I needed this laugh!
(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/favor/favor051.gif) Title: Political Quotes Post by: nChrist on February 20, 2010, 03:37:20 PM Political Quotes
"I resent your insinuendoes." "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same." "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report." "Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository." "Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it." "To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility." "I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators." "If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there." "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut." "Let's do this in one foul swoop." "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session." "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." "I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks." "The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13." "I hate to confuse myself with the facts." "We have a permanent plan for the time being." "Family planning has many misconceptions." "The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city." "My knowledge is no match for his ignorance." "As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state." "These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about." "People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on." "In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema." Title: Sick Call Post by: nChrist on February 20, 2010, 03:38:19 PM Sick Call
Mr. Frobisher constantly called Dr. Wilson at all hours of the day and night and would then keep him on the phone with a litany of imagined ailments. Finally the doctor could take it no longer. "Listen, Mr. Frobisher, if you wake me up again in the middle of the night with another one of your tales about some made-up ailment, I am going to insist you see another physician. Have I made myself clear?" A week later, Mr. Frobisher slipped and fell down a flight of stairs, breaking his hip, two ribs, an elbow, and suffering a concussion. He was rushed to the hospital and put in intensive care. An hour later, Dr. Wilson walked in, saw his condition, and exclaimed "I think you're finally getting the hang of it!" Title: Nice Boyfriend Post by: nChrist on February 20, 2010, 03:39:11 PM Nice Boyfriend
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?" Title: 10 Questions Post by: nChrist on March 03, 2010, 12:57:25 PM 10 Questions
Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community. In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities. Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought?" She answered, "Dog toothpaste." Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?" Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?" Title: What's For Dinner? Post by: nChrist on March 03, 2010, 12:58:34 PM What's For Dinner?
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'" Title: Horse Looking Post by: nChrist on March 03, 2010, 12:59:36 PM Horse Looking
One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him." "He doesn't look good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said. The man insisted, "I think he looks good and I'll up the price to $1000!" "He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours." The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse! You cheated me!" The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?" Title: School Notes Post by: nChrist on March 03, 2010, 01:00:49 PM School Notes
The following notes from parents excusing their children from attending school have been around a while but if you haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them: "Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel." "Please accuse Michael from being absent on January 30 because he was aleing." "George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout." "Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot." "Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face." "My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him." "Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels." Title: Planting Time Post by: nChrist on March 03, 2010, 01:02:41 PM Planting Time
A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You won't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables." Title: Conductor Problem Post by: nChrist on March 10, 2010, 12:53:56 PM Conductor Problem
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?" (Small Print: I know - GROANER!) Title: School Days Post by: nChrist on March 15, 2010, 01:17:19 PM School Days
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" Title: Mom's Special Brownies Post by: nChrist on March 17, 2010, 05:58:11 PM Mom's Special Brownies
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr., "No, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr. in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven. Collapse and call the baker for delivery. (Small Print - Now this one is funny! Title: Tax Reform Post by: nChrist on March 22, 2010, 04:09:06 PM Tax Reform
At an open conference in Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they thought was the most fair and equitable. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said. "But the poll tax was repealed some time ago," replied the commissioner. "Ay-yuh," declared the old man, "that's what I like about it." Title: Dad Knew Post by: nChrist on March 23, 2010, 11:01:00 PM Dad Knew
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" And my mom said, "He does." Title: Prenatal Visit Post by: nChrist on March 25, 2010, 02:02:01 PM Prenatal Visit
A couple was making their first visit to Dr. Mike Wilson prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me. Title: Hot Shot Pilot Post by: nChrist on March 30, 2010, 10:58:37 PM Hot Shot Pilot
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hot dog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better." The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the hot dog asked, "So? What did you do?" "I just shut down two engines, kid." Title: No Gun Hunting Post by: nChrist on March 31, 2010, 10:20:06 PM No Gun Hunting
There's this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun. The other hunters are very curious. "How you gonna get a bear without a gun?" they ask. "Do you have a knife?" "No," says the guy. "Do you have a club?" "No," says the guy. "Don't you worry. I'm gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see." The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours. Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin. Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, "Open the cabin door! Open the door!" They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too. Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, "You skin that one. I'll go get another." Title: Stockbroker's Secretary Post by: nChrist on April 27, 2010, 09:26:25 PM Stockbroker's Secretary
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line." "This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now." "He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish." Title: Tea Service Post by: nChrist on April 27, 2010, 09:28:23 PM Tea Service
One day my mother was out and my dad was looking after me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such good tea, my mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea. ("It's just the cutest thing!") My mom waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)..."Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?" Title: Manservant Post by: nChrist on May 03, 2010, 11:06:41 AM Manservant
Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister. "I guess so," answered the man. "Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?" "Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now." Title: 10 Signs Your Vet Bill Is Going To Require Financing Post by: nChrist on May 06, 2010, 01:32:06 PM 10 Signs Your Vet Bill Is Going To Require Financing
-- The doc's thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and dollars. -- The bill came with payment coupons. -- Your Doberman just ate the receptionist. -- "He has a very rare blood type. It's called '$$ Positive.'" -- He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own a goldfish. -- They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving tray. -- The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the owners. -- You suddenly realize where you've heard that low whistle before: from the plumber and the auto mechanic. -- "Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are?" -- and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require Financing: "We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...." Title: Comments Never Heard At Church Post by: nChrist on May 12, 2010, 02:46:55 PM Comments Never Heard At Church
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. 2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. 5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. 6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. 7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! 8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early. 9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. 10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign! Title: Caught Sleeping Post by: nChrist on May 13, 2010, 01:25:15 PM Caught Sleeping
Just in case your boss catches you asleep at your desk, be ready to blurt out one of these excuses. ********************************* They told me at the blood bank that this might happen. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to. I was working smarter - not harder. Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. I'm in the management training program. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. The coffee machine is broken.... Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic! I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands. The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot. Gosh, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day. Title: Actual Signs Post by: nChrist on May 14, 2010, 01:07:53 PM Actual Signs
Bucharest Hotel Lobby - "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time you will be unbearable." Leipzig elevator - "Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up" Belgrade elevator - "To move the cabin, push forward for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number for a wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order" Paris elevator - "Please leave your values at the front desk." Athenian hotel - "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of....." Moscow Hotel - "You are invited to visit the cemetery where famous Soviet composers, authors and artists are buried daily except Thursday." Austrian ski hotel - "Do not perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." Swiss menu - "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." Polish menu - "Salad of firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." Hong Kong dress shop - "Ladies have fits upstairs." Rhodes tailor shop - "Order your summer suit because it is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." Germany's Black Forest - "It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married together for that reason." Swedish furrier - "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin." Japanese detour sign - "Stop: Drive sideways." Swiss mountain inn - "Special today - no ice cream." Copenhagen airline office - "We take your bags and send them in all directions. Budapest zoo - "Please do not feed the animals. If you have suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." Acapulco hotel - "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." Japanese air conditioner - "Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself." Tokyo car rental firm - "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour." Norwegian cocktail bar - "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar" Title: Stolen Goat Post by: nChrist on May 17, 2010, 02:09:35 PM Stolen Goat
The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals: "We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate." Title: Shakey's Cure Post by: nChrist on May 19, 2010, 08:39:15 PM Shakey's Cure
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. . . you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Title: Parachute Training Post by: nChrist on May 20, 2010, 10:55:29 PM Parachute Training
While attending US Army's Airborne School..... The Day before our first jump, the instructors (known as SGT Airbornes, students are called 'Airborne') demonstrated all the possible malfunctions one might encounter. After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute fails to deploy, one of the students asked: "SGT Airborne, if we have a complete malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy our reserve parachutes?" "Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!" Title: Battle Of The Dogs Post by: nChrist on May 21, 2010, 07:40:26 PM Battle Of The Dogs
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. After five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund." Title: More Cute Kids Post by: nChrist on May 24, 2010, 02:44:53 PM More Cute Kids
On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church. "It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town too." ================= A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday. One little boy wrote: "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there." ================= Bouncing out of her first day in nursery school at Mount Moriah Presbyterian Church in Port Henry, New York, a three-year-old girl gleefully informed her mother: "We had juice and Billy Graham crackers!" ================= Rev. David A. Stammerjohn, pastor of Laboratory Presbyterian Church, Washington, Pennsylvania, spent a week at the Synod school with his two children. The school's theme focused on Moses and the Exodus. When they returned home, his five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother: "Guess what, Mommy. We made unleaded bread!" ================= The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13." ================= Four-year-old Tucker Jones attended the vacation Bible school at our church. The theme was "Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth." His mother, Trish Jones, asked Tucker what he had learned. He immediately told her all bout "Jesus and the 12 recycles." Title: Dishonesty Doesn't Pay Post by: nChrist on May 25, 2010, 04:41:45 PM Dishonesty Doesn't Pay
One year, at Western, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go over to Toronto and party with some friends there during the Vanier Cup weekend. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their partying and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Western until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find their Professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to Toronto for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. The Professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the Prof had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire? - Don A. Wicks, Instructor Graduate School of Library & Information Science Elborn College, University of Western Ontario Title: Sunday Drive Post by: nChrist on May 26, 2010, 03:51:44 PM Sunday Drive
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." Title: Good Guess Post by: nChrist on May 27, 2010, 01:48:41 PM Good Guess
The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the pre-school teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! "I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red." Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?" Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus--but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" Susan Webber Title: Why Ask Why? Post by: nChrist on May 28, 2010, 09:58:36 AM Why Ask Why?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Title: Two Plus Two Post by: nChrist on June 01, 2010, 01:40:23 PM Two Plus Two
A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" Title: Stuff To Ponder Post by: nChrist on June 02, 2010, 02:27:10 PM Stuff To Ponder
1. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. 2. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. 3. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. 4. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. 5. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. 6. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 7. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. 8. I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. 9. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. 10. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 11. I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use Language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. 12. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. 13. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. 14. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her. 15. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." 16. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 17. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh no ..I could be eating a slow learner." Title: Dead Politicians Post by: nChrist on June 03, 2010, 02:07:28 PM Dead Politicians
A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them. The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" The man answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie." Title: Kids In Church Post by: nChrist on June 04, 2010, 02:18:56 PM Kids In Church
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." Title: Haiku Error Messages Post by: nChrist on June 07, 2010, 02:57:12 PM Haiku Error Messages
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry. The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data Guess which has occurred. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. Title: The English Language Post by: nChrist on June 08, 2010, 01:02:08 PM The English Language
Lets face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What on earth does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this poem It ends. Title: Blind Pilots Post by: nChrist on June 09, 2010, 04:31:40 PM Blind Pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up, so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!" Title: Spell Checquer Post by: nChrist on June 10, 2010, 04:33:10 PM Spell Checquer
Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew. Title: Quotes From 11 Year Olds' Science Exams Post by: nChrist on June 11, 2010, 03:00:24 PM Quotes From 11 Year Olds' Science Exams
The following are all quotes from 11 year-olds' science exams: "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire." "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in test tube" "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state" "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." " The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader " "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops." "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow." "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects." "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." Title: One Seat Allowed Post by: nChrist on June 14, 2010, 02:28:21 PM One Seat Allowed
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." Title: You're Not A Kid Anymore When.... Post by: nChrist on June 15, 2010, 03:54:05 PM You're Not A Kid Anymore When....
1. You're asleep but others worry that you're dead. 2. Your back goes out more than you do. 3. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials. 4. The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion. 5. The pharmacy gives you a volume discount. 6. You are proud of your lawnmower. 7. 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in." 8. People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?" 9. Your highschool diploma is the color of buttermilk. 10. Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu. 11. Nobody ever tells you to slow down. 12. You make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins. 13. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 14. You have to get a fire permit to light your birthday candles. 15. Someone breaks wind and you don't laugh. 16. You're always asked to say the blessing. 17. When you talk about "good grass", you're referring to someone's lawn. 18. Soaking your feet in Epsom Salts is a heavenly experience. 19. Your ears are hairier than your head. 20. You've seen Halley's Comet...twice. 21. Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamucil. Title: Vampire Bat Post by: nChrist on June 16, 2010, 04:17:46 PM Vampire Bat
A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity. "OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!" Title: Smart Bully Post by: nChrist on June 17, 2010, 10:17:36 AM Smart Bully
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out. He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises. The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?" "Well, they're smart pills." "Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit droppings!!" "See, you're getting smarter already." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on June 18, 2010, 03:04:11 AM (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/hearye.gif) A Sensitive Man The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The class was in full swing. (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/targetpractice.gif) The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of pregnancy. (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/62.gif) She said, "Ladies remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!!" (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/37.gif) She looked at the men in the room "and gentlemen, remember you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her." (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/77.gif) The room suddenly got very quite as the men absorbed this information. (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/Stunned.gif) Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/137.gif) "Yes", answered the teacher. (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/18.gif) "I was just wondering, is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??" (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/8.gif) You know I had to do this................... (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/z7shysterical.gif)(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/lmao.gif)(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/z7shysterical.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on June 18, 2010, 09:13:00 AM ;D ;D
(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/favor/favor051.gif) Title: Things My Mother Taught Me... Post by: nChrist on June 18, 2010, 10:29:47 AM Things My Mother Taught Me...
My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?" My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING... You are going to get it when we get home. and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE "one day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like." Title: The Magician And The Parrot Post by: nChrist on June 21, 2010, 03:00:40 PM The Magician And The Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" Title: Bungee Jumping Post by: nChrist on June 22, 2010, 12:44:32 PM Bungee Jumping
Two entrepreneurs, Jack and John, decided to start a bungee-jumping business south of the border. They went to Casa del Sol, Mexico, built a huge platform, and opened for business. By noon the first day, they both noticed that while everyone was watching, no one was buying tickets. Jack told John to go up and jump, so everyone could see how much fun it was, and then they would buy tickets and try it. John jumped, almost reached the ground, and sprang back up. Jack saw that his shirt was torn and his hair was mussed. John came down again and sprang back up. This time he had several bruises and his clothes were ripped to shreds. The third time down and back up, and he had several open wounds, a broken arm, and was bruised over most of his body. Jack quickly raised John to the platform and asked him what in the world was going on. John replied, "I'm not sure. Do you know what 'pinata' means?" Title: Healthy Life Post by: nChrist on June 23, 2010, 12:45:19 PM Healthy Life
In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life----no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then--" "Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in jail for?" Title: Things You Don't Want To Hear In Surgery... Post by: nChrist on June 24, 2010, 02:12:21 PM Things You Don't Want To Hear In Surgery...
1.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2.) Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop 3.) 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness' 4.) Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! 5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie 7.) Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. 8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before? 9.) Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off 11.) What's this doing here? 12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. 13.) That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?! 14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. 15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. 16.) Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? 17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel? 18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. 19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. 20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? 21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? 22.) Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. 23.) What do you mean 'You want a divorce'! 24.) She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! 25.) FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out! 26.) 'And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient...' Title: Tips From Cowboys Post by: nChrist on June 29, 2010, 03:35:59 PM Tips From Cowboys
~ Never squat with your spurs on! ~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day. ~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.... Neither one works. ~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think. ~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. ~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'. ~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. ~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. ~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. ~ Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. ~ Always drink upstream from the herd. ~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. ~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. ~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. ~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. ~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back. ~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. ~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. ~ Never miss a good chance to shut up. Title: Tourists' Questions Post by: nChrist on June 30, 2010, 04:59:39 PM Tourists' Questions
Here are some of the "All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists" On nature... How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs? At what elevation does an elk become a moose? Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk' ?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' " Tourist: "Oh" Are the bears with collars tame? Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose? Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? Where can I find Alpine Flamingos? I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was? Are there birds in Canada? On geography... Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (while standing in the middle of Banff!) Where does Alberta end and Canada begin? Do you have a map of the State of Jasper? Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario? Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields? How far is Banff from Canada? What's the best way to see Canada in a day? On tourist facilities... Do they search you at the B.C. border? When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds? Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one don't they? Are there phones in Banff? So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles? We're on the decibel system you know. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost?? Is that 2 kilometres by foot or by car? Don't you Canadians know anything? Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on June 30, 2010, 10:30:15 PM As a resident of a Tourist area................. I want to know when tourist season opens?? That way I can get first in line, for my hunting permit. ;D ;D ;) ;D ;D Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on July 01, 2010, 01:10:47 AM As a resident of a Tourist area................. I want to know when tourist season opens?? That way I can get first in line, for my hunting permit. ;D ;D ;) ;D ;D ;D Don't wear your hat with the fake antlers on it. Title: The Vet And The Doc Post by: nChrist on July 01, 2010, 04:06:52 PM The Vet And The Doc
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down." Title: Anthill Golf Post by: nChrist on July 05, 2010, 02:34:49 PM Anthill Golf
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf-ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! what are we going to do?" Said the other ant: " I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball." Title: Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Florida Post by: Shammu on July 08, 2010, 12:37:04 AM Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Florida
Nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty. The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator," can still fall victim to implemented 'team work strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines. See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator. Not for the squeamish . . (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v605/DreamWeaver000/doggator.jpg) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on July 08, 2010, 01:40:08 AM ;D ;D Got Me! - ROFL!
Title: A Man Goes Sky Diving For The First Time Post by: nChrist on July 08, 2010, 01:23:23 PM A Man Goes Sky Diving For The First Time
After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the plane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?" Title: Cake Baking For Mothers Of Small Children Post by: nChrist on July 12, 2010, 04:22:51 PM Cake Baking For Mothers Of Small Children
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients. Remove blocks and toy cars from table. Grease pan, crack nuts. Measure two cups flour. Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby. Remeasure flour. Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor. Get another bowl. Answer doorbell. Return to kitchen. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Wash baby. Answer phone. Return. Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan. Look for baby. Grease another pan. Answer telephone. Return to kitchen and find baby. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table. Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes. Call baker. Lie down. Title: Praying For Leroy Post by: Shammu on July 13, 2010, 12:30:04 AM Praying For Leroy
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front of the alter," the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the Preacher ask: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies: Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The Preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy: the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and ask, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday. (http://img426.imageshack.us/img426/4317/rotfl9ki.gif) (http://img426.imageshack.us/img426/4317/rotfl9ki.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on July 13, 2010, 01:21:18 AM ;D I might know Leroy.
(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/laugh/laugh079.gif) Title: You Know You're Really A Mom When.. Post by: nChrist on July 14, 2010, 01:00:38 PM You Know You're Really A Mom When..
1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal. 2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry. 3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time. 4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone. 5. Your child throws up and you catch it. 6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating. 7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance. 8. You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching. 9. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, and you do it. 10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids. 11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats. 12. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend. 13. You hate the thought of his wife even more. 14. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes. 15. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother. 16. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time. 17. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final. 18. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes." 19. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you. 20. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average." 21. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything. Title: Today I Didn't Do It Post by: nChrist on July 15, 2010, 12:41:03 PM Today I Didn't Do It
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." Title: Kids On Marriage Post by: nChrist on July 16, 2010, 12:14:08 PM Kids On Marriage
How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry? ****** - "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9 - "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10 - "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10 Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married ****** -"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" Cam, age 10 -"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!" Freddie, age 6 How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married? ****** -"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6 -"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8 What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common? ****** -"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8 What Do Most People Do on a Date? ****** -"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8 -"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10 What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour ****** -"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9 When is It Okay to Kiss Someone? ****** -"When they're rich!" Pam, age 7 -"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7 -"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8 The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married? ****** -"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9 -"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10 What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married? ****** -"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins ... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'"Craig, age 9 What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married? ****** -"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." Marlon, age 10 How to Make a Marriage Work ****** -"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 7 How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married? ****** - "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 - "You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!" Roberta, age 7 Title: $100 Please Post by: nChrist on July 19, 2010, 03:42:46 PM $100 Please
A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, they deducted $95.00. Title: Soap And Water Post by: nChrist on July 21, 2010, 12:16:34 PM Soap And Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!" Title: Three Expectant Fathers Post by: nChrist on July 27, 2010, 01:04:42 PM Three Expectant Fathers
Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room. The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins. He was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was a member of the Minnesota Twins team. A little later the nurse came out again and said to the next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets. He was so a happy - and said isn't that a coincidence - I work for 3M. The other father took off like a shot - the nurse ran after him saying where are you going? Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling something about his work at 7UP. Title: More Signs Post by: nChrist on July 28, 2010, 12:57:32 PM More Signs
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait." On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts." In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push." On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff." On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs." On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!" On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up." Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop." In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want." Title: Religious Lady On The Plane Post by: nChrist on July 29, 2010, 08:23:30 PM Religious Lady On The Plane
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady. Title: Bangety Bang Bang Post by: nChrist on July 30, 2010, 03:46:56 PM Bangety Bang Bang
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the enemy, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'". The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, an enemy soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The enemy falls dead. More enemies appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one enemy soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The enemy keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The enemy keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says... "Tankety Tank Tank." Title: Just A Kiss Per Yard Post by: nChrist on August 02, 2010, 11:37:25 AM Just A Kiss Per Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. Title: Wood Cutter Post by: nChrist on August 03, 2010, 03:59:27 PM Wood Cutter
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself. The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise? Title: Reasons Not To Wash Post by: nChrist on August 04, 2010, 01:36:49 PM Reasons Not To Wash
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash 1. I was forced to as a child. 2. People who make soap are only after your money. 3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter. 4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else. 5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best. 6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped. 7. None of my friends wash. 8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer. 9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier. 10. I can't spare the time Title: Top 10 Things You Won't Hear Dad Say... Post by: nChrist on August 05, 2010, 07:48:11 PM Top 10 Things You Won't Hear Dad Say...
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? 5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it) Title: Why Parents Get Gray Post by: nChrist on August 06, 2010, 12:14:24 PM Why Parents Get Gray
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home? "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me" Title: A Father's Method Post by: nChrist on August 10, 2010, 03:09:29 PM A Father's Method
A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leapt from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on August 11, 2010, 12:34:26 AM A Father's Method A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leapt from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up." (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/signs-youquackmeup.gif) Now that is funny!!!!!!!! (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/lmao.gif)(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/z7shysterical.gif)(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/lmao.gif) Title: Speeding Stories: Post by: nChrist on August 11, 2010, 08:59:45 PM Speeding Stories:
*PULLED OVER* "Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25." *WHY ME?* My friend Walt was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, "Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?" "Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked. "Yes," Walt replied. "Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?" *SPEEDING* The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they Decided to just give him a season ticket. *TWO SPEED CORVETTE* Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway. He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are "STOP" and "FULL SPEED." One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to A screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who Had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, "Mister, I've been Waiting for you all morning..." Nick replied "Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!" Title: Wayward Cessna Post by: nChrist on August 14, 2010, 01:07:47 PM Wayward Cessna
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" Title: Things I've Learned From My Children Post by: nChrist on August 16, 2010, 10:27:21 AM Things I've Learned From My Children
* There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. * If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. * A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. * If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. * It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. * Baseballs make marks on ceilings. * You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. * When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. * A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. * The glass in windows (even double paned) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. * When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late. * Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. * A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. * A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. * If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak, it explodes. * A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. * Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. * Duplos will not. * Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. * Super glue is forever. * McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. * Ditto Tarzan. * No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. * Pool filters do not like Jell-O. * VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. * Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. * Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. * You probably do not want to know what that odor is. * Always look in the oven before you turn it on. * Plastic toys do not like ovens. * The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time. * The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. * It will however make cats dizzy. * Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. * A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect). Title: Priest's Uniform Post by: nChrist on August 17, 2010, 01:07:16 PM Priest's Uniform
A little boy, not accustomed to seeing a priest in his "work uniform" went up to the priest and asked, "Why do you dress so funny?". The priest replied, "This is the uniform that I wear when I work". The child, still staring at him, asked, "Do you have a boo boo?" The priest was somewhat puzzled, but quickly figured out that the child was looking at his white and black Roman collar. The priest pulled out the white plastic insert and showed it to the child telling him that it was also part of his uniform. On the back side of the collar there was some writing: "Wash with warm soapy water." The priest showed this to the little boy and then asked him "Do you know what these words say? The little boy, obviously much too young to read, stated, "I sure do". The priest a little taken aback then replies, "OK then, tell me what they say". The little boy then replies, "Kills fleas and ticks for up to six months." Title: In A Minute Post by: Shammu on August 17, 2010, 05:43:33 PM In A Minute John climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... “God, what does a million years mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A minute.” John asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A penny.” John asks, “Can I have a penny?” The Lord replies, “In a minute.” Title: Mexican Jews Post by: Shammu on August 17, 2010, 05:47:43 PM Mexican Jews
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles, one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replies, "I don't know; let's ask our waiter." When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cooks." He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews." Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once again, Senor." While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered every where." The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews." Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews." The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE . . . all we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews! No MEXICAN JEWS!!!" Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on August 17, 2010, 06:45:08 PM ;D Thanks for those laughs - I needed them. I especially like the one about Mexican Jews.
(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/laugh/laugh079.gif) Title: Will To Remember Post by: nChrist on August 19, 2010, 01:34:52 PM Will To Remember
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!" Title: A Priest And A Boy Post by: Shammu on August 22, 2010, 09:07:41 PM A Priest And A Boy A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. The boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" Title: Miracle of the Year Post by: Shammu on August 22, 2010, 09:13:32 PM Miracle of the Year.................. Two women were sitting together quietly, minding their OWN business. . Exit stage left in a panic, before any woman sees.....................!! (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/8.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on August 23, 2010, 01:08:41 AM ;D ;D Not safe to tell my wife.
(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/favor/favor051.gif) Title: Tired Of Rejection Post by: nChrist on August 24, 2010, 01:24:34 PM Tired Of Rejection
Tired of being rejected for jobs - maybe this form letter will come in handy. Dear [Interviewer's Name]: Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, [Your Name] Title: Acts 2:38 Post by: Shammu on August 24, 2010, 04:23:21 PM Acts 2:38 A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar.. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!' Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on August 25, 2010, 11:06:08 AM ;D Thanks - I needed that laugh.
Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on August 25, 2010, 06:22:38 PM Computer T-Shirt Slogans Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT' Shell to DOS, Come in DOS, do you COPY? All computers wait at the same speed. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors. Go ahead, make my data! Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! E-mail returned to sender: Insufficient voltage. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Error! Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. DOS Tip #1701: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Press any key... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one! Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ... Title: What's a headache Post by: Shammu on August 25, 2010, 06:27:27 PM What's a headache
Adam God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him. And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?" And God explained it to him. Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave," And Adam said, "What's a cave?" and God explained that to him. "In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, ... and in about five minutes he was back. God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?" Title: Chet's Graduation Post by: nChrist on August 27, 2010, 04:47:53 PM Chet's Graduation
It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Chet. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Chet graduate, let Chet graduate!" The principal agrees to give Chet one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Chet, how many apples do I have?" he asked. Chet thought long and hard and then said: "Ten." At that the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Chet another chance. Give Chet another chance!" (Small Print: This might be a groaner. ;D Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on August 28, 2010, 03:34:38 PM (Small Print: This might be a groaner. ;D (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/37.gif)(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/62.gif)(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/37.gif) Now that is a stinker!! (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/Emot/smileyfart.gif) Title: Help Wanted Post by: nChrist on August 30, 2010, 11:47:27 AM ;D
Help Wanted A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a golden Retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow." (Small Print: This might be a groaner.) Title: 16 Steps To Build A Campfire Post by: nChrist on September 01, 2010, 11:55:46 AM 16 Steps To Build A Campfire
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers. 2. Bandage left thumb. 3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments 4. Bandage left foot. 5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand) 6. Light Match 7. Light Match 8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match. 9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire. 10. Apply burn ointment to nose. 11. When fire is burning, collect more wood. 12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene." 13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns. 14. Relabel can to read "gasoline." 15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood. 16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps. Title: A Diet For Dealing With Stress Post by: nChrist on September 03, 2010, 01:53:38 PM A Diet For Dealing With Stress
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes. 10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. 12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!) REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS. Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on September 03, 2010, 11:34:55 PM After reading those, I need a cup of coffee, and. (http://bestsmileys.com/hitting/1.gif) (http://bestsmileys.com/tongs/2.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on September 03, 2010, 11:37:30 PM Priest and the Crooks One time three very bad people felt guilty for the different crimes they committed and went to a church to ask god forgiveness. There, they found a priest. So all three of them went to the priest. The first crook said "Oh, Father! I have killed an innocent man and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!" The priest murmured a blessing and told the crook "God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity". The Father pointed toward a fountain with sparkling water. The first crook went and drank the water. "The water tastes weird" he said and went away. The second crook came to the priest and said "Oh, Father! I have stolen alot of money from many people and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!" The priest murmured a blessing and said "God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity". So the second crook went and drank the sparkling water in the fountain. "This water tastes funny", he said and went away. Now only the third crook remained. "What is it that you did wrong, my son?" the priest asked. With an uneasy look the last crook said,"I peed in the well". Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on September 03, 2010, 11:40:04 PM Penthouse In Heaven The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters - a tiny one bedroom apartment. The Pope is horrified and demands to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge. Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer. "A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important than a lawyer!" "With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!" (http://bestsmileys.com/funny/8.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on September 03, 2010, 11:42:26 PM Rabbi Underwater A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I'm going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?" (http://bestsmileys.com/falling/1.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on September 03, 2010, 11:45:54 PM ;D Thanks - I needed those laughs. You can probably tell from the jokes I posted. ;D
Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on September 03, 2010, 11:47:20 PM Two Thieves An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come? The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves.. and that's how I want to go." (http://bestsmileys.com/movingeyes/2.gif)(http://bestsmileys.com/religous/4.gif)(http://bestsmileys.com/movingeyes/2.gif) (http://bestsmileys.com/religous/5.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on September 03, 2010, 11:48:05 PM ;D Thanks - I needed those laughs. You can probably tell from the jokes I posted. ;D How did you guess, and I'm happy to hear the good news about your wife. Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on September 04, 2010, 03:32:47 AM How did you guess, and I'm happy to hear the good news about your wife. Thanks Brother, and we greatly appreciate the prayers. I can't really describe how happy we are since we heard the news. God does answer prayer. Love In Christ, Tom Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on September 04, 2010, 03:31:15 PM Thanks Brother, and we greatly appreciate the prayers. I can't really describe how happy we are since we heard the news. God does answer prayer. Love In Christ, Tom Brother, anytime prayers are needed, you know all you have to do is ask. I feel being able to pray for someone, anyone a honor from our Father. I know He does answer prayers and I can guess how happy you both are. This should prove to more people the Power of God. For without Him we are nothing but, with Him, we are loved by Him. Title: The Plus Sign Post by: Shammu on September 04, 2010, 03:35:01 PM The Plus Sign A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!" (http://smilies.zx6r.info/aetsch/com.%20winker.gif) Title: Writing On The Wall Post by: Shammu on September 04, 2010, 03:38:28 PM Writing On The Wall After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to her Sunday school teacher. "In my house," said the little girl, "when handwriting appears on the wall it's not a miracle, it's the work of my little brother." Title: Shark Meat Post by: Shammu on September 04, 2010, 03:43:28 PM Shark Meat There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..." (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/What_nots/Sharklaugh.gif) Title: God The Parent Post by: Shammu on September 04, 2010, 03:48:43 PM God The Parent Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and then Eve, from Adams rib. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied. "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?" "Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Where?" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own................... thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed. (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj201/r_bert2002/What_nots/Arg.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on September 05, 2010, 04:27:27 AM (http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/357/gorilla.jpg) Title: Job Impressions Post by: nChrist on September 06, 2010, 11:51:03 AM Job Impressions
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down. "Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked. "Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus." Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?" She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!" Title: Payment Plan Post by: nChrist on September 07, 2010, 01:43:05 PM Payment Plan
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?" Title: Fridge Magnet Smiles Post by: nChrist on September 08, 2010, 01:37:06 PM Fridge Magnet Smiles
You have all seen those little hand painted signs hung in so many kitchens. Many are heartwarming and homey, but many are simply hilarious. Here is a collection of the funnier ones: A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. Housework done properly can kill you. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines. The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house when I bought it. There are only three kinds of food - Frozen, Canned, & Take-out! Title: More Actual Classified Ads Post by: nChrist on September 09, 2010, 02:44:10 PM More Actual Classified Ads
Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. Title: A Special Hymn Post by: Shammu on September 09, 2010, 03:27:57 PM A Special Hymn A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River." Title: Start Over Post by: Shammu on September 09, 2010, 03:29:46 PM Start Over When you've trusted Jesus and walked his way When you've felt his hand lead you day by day But your steps now take you another way, start over. When you've made your plans and they've gone awry When you've tried your best and there's no more try When you've failed yourself and you don't know why, start over. When you've told your friends what you plan to do When you've trusted them and they didn't come through And now you're all alone and it's up to you, start over. When you've failed your kids and they're grown and gone When you've done your best but it's turned out wrong And now your grandchildren have come along, start over. When you've prayed to God so you'll know his will When you've prayed and prayed and you don't know still When you want to stop cause you've had your fill, start over. When you think you're finished and want to quit When you've bottomed out in life's deepest pit When you've tried and tried to get out of it, start over. When the year has been long and successes few When December comes and you're feeling blue God gives a January just for you, start over. Starting over means "Victories Won" Starting over means "A Race Well Run" Starting over means "The Lords' Will Done" We need not just sit there ... START OVER. Title: Good News/Bad News Post by: Shammu on September 09, 2010, 03:31:55 PM Good News/Bad News Good News/Bad News for Ministers Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position. Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied. Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre." Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation. Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war. Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house. Title: Christian Horse Post by: Shammu on September 09, 2010, 03:33:09 PM Christian Horse One day a preacher went out to buy a horse, so he went to the man's house who was selling the horse. The man said this horse has been around a lot of Christians so he doesn't respond to regular commands he only responds to commands "praise the Lord" to go and "amen" to stop. So the man was riding home and the horse was running towards a cliff then the preacher yells woe! woe! then he remembered just in time and he yells Amen! so the horse stops right at the edge of the cliff. "Praise the Lord." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on September 09, 2010, 10:02:37 PM ;D ;D - Thanks - I needed those laughs!
Title: Got The Munchies? Post by: nChrist on September 10, 2010, 11:18:03 AM Got The Munchies?
Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door. "Hello, who is it?" she asked. "It's Pastor Smith", he answered. "OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" She said. "Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met." "Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better" Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old reader's digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts. Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said. Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, all I can do anymore is just suck the chocolate off of them!" she says. Title: To The Rescue! Post by: nChrist on September 13, 2010, 02:23:46 PM To The Rescue!
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!" Title: Parrot Auction Post by: nChrist on September 14, 2010, 11:32:20 AM Parrot Auction
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" Title: Junior's Nickels Post by: nChrist on September 15, 2010, 01:31:16 PM Junior's Nickels
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!" (Small Print: Might be a groaner.) Title: I turned out the light Post by: Shammu on September 16, 2010, 03:04:19 PM I turned out the light Two deaf men are signing to each other. The first man asks, "What did your wife say when you got home late last night? The second man replies, "She swore a blue streak" And the first man asks, "What did you do then?" And the second man replies, "I turned out the light." ;D ;D Title: Deaf Mafia Post by: Shammu on September 16, 2010, 03:06:51 PM Deaf Mafia A Mafia gang takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear conversations. However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it. The mobsters track him down, but don't find the money on him. As none of them are able to use sign language, they bring in an interpreter. Mobster: "Where'd you hide the money?" (Interpreter signs the question.) The bag man signs his reply. The interpreter says, "He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him." Mobster: "I'm not fooling around! You better tell me where that money is!" (Interpreter again signs.) The bag man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, "He swears he is telling the truth. He had to get rid of it." The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the deaf man's eyes. "Tell me where that money is, or I'll kill you right now!" (Interpreter signs his statement.) The bag man, sweating profusely, signs, "It's inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet." The interpreter says, "He says he doesn't know where it is and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger." Title: Lip Reading Post by: Shammu on September 16, 2010, 03:08:33 PM Lip Reading Researchers tell us that only about 25 percent of what is said can be understood by lipreading. For example: Suppose a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean this place up, your stuff is lying all over on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear tomorrow unless we do the laundry right now!" Her lipreading husband will get: THIS, blah, blah, blah, C'MON YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, OVER, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON blah, blah, NO blah, blah, blah, WEAR, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Hearing Aid An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Title: Hard Of Hearing Wife Post by: Shammu on September 16, 2010, 03:13:50 PM Hard Of Hearing Wife An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She replied, "For the third time, Yes!" Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on September 16, 2010, 03:57:24 PM ;D ;D ROFL! - Yeah! - No Groaners. - Thanks! - I needed those laughs.
(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on September 17, 2010, 10:40:43 PM ;D ;D ROFL! - Yeah! - No Groaners. - Thanks! - I needed those laughs. (http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif) Good brother, then you should enjoy this.......................... ;D ;D ;D I got bored one day and decided to make up names for the ACLU. Since the American Civil Liberties Union is a misnomer, Americans have invented new meanings for the ACLU, and yes I'm one of them Americans....................... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D All Communist Loonies United All Communists Love Us All Crazy Lunatics Unite All Criminals Love Us America Communist Lawyers Union American Civil Libertarians Union American Crybabies League Union Americans Communist Loony Union Animals Can Love And Understand Anti Christ Lecherous Unforgiven Anti Christ Leftist Union Anti Christ Lovers Unlimited Anti Christ’s Law Union Anti Christ’s Lawful Union Anti Christian Lawyers Union Anti Christian League of Upchucks Anti Christian League of Uprising Anti Christian Liberals Union Anti Christian License Union Anti Christian Lifestyle Union Anti Christian Litigation Unit Anti Christians Liberation Unit Anti Christian Lucifer’s Union Anti Conservative Liberal Union Anything Christian Looks Unlawful Atheists, Communists and Liberals United Atheists, Communists and Lawyers United Can you tell, I got bored?? :o ::) :o Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on September 18, 2010, 04:51:49 AM ;D ;D Yes, I can tell that you got bored.
I can't remember if this is one of the choices or not, but I'll take: Anti Christ Loony Union The little twits sure have done a lot of damage. Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on October 01, 2010, 12:27:58 PM LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU! PALM SUNDAY IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!" CHILDREN'S SERMON ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! " SUPPORT A FAMILY THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES." FIRST TIME USHERS A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE." CLIMB THE WALLS "OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED. THE WATER PISTOL WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL... HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!" GRANDMA'S AGE LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?" Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on October 01, 2010, 01:13:40 PM ;D ;D Thanks! - I needed those laughs.
Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on November 12, 2010, 12:59:40 PM GENERAL PUBLIC NOTICE: Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegals wearing Obama t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver. FOR THE LAST TIME....... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !! Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on November 12, 2010, 01:30:47 PM GENERAL PUBLIC NOTICE: Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegals wearing Obama t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver. FOR THE LAST TIME....... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !! ;D ;D ROFl! - Thanks - I needed that laugh! Title: Rules For Writers Post by: nChrist on December 09, 2010, 02:57:25 PM Rules For Writers
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. 11. Don't use no double negatives. 12. Proffered carefully to see if you any words out. Title: No Wonder English Is So Hard To Learn Post by: nChrist on December 10, 2010, 05:01:58 PM No Wonder English Is So Hard To Learn
We polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. A farm can produce produce. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. The present is a good time to present the present. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. The dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance for the invalid was invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: David_james on December 11, 2010, 11:57:57 AM So true ;D
Title: Great Writer Post by: nChrist on December 13, 2010, 02:42:04 PM Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. Title: FROLIC Memo Post by: nChrist on December 15, 2010, 01:31:19 PM FROLIC Memo
To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. 2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.) 3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. 4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. 5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. 6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday. Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on December 19, 2010, 10:46:58 AM Great Writer There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. (http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on December 19, 2010, 10:50:46 AM How to Get Into Heaven
A man dies and mets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says to the man, "Here's how it works. You need to have one hundred points to get into heaven. You tell me about all the good things you've done. They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one hundred or more, you can come in." "Well," says the man. "I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years. I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly." "That's great," says St. Peter. "That'll be two points." "Hmmm," says the man. "This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully." "Wonderful," says St. Peter, "That's worth another point." "One point!" says the man. "Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years. I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared Jesus with them." "Wow!" says St. Peter. "That's another two points!" "Only two points!" says the man. "At this rate, it'll be only by the grace of God that'll I'll ever get into this place." "Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's one hundred points! Come on in." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on December 20, 2010, 10:40:03 AM Perhaps Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. (http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u177/BannedBuddies/Christmas/Santa.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on December 20, 2010, 11:05:30 AM ROFL! - Thanks - I needed this laugh, and I do resemble some of those remarks.
(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/favor/favor143.gif) Title: Take Out For Lunch Post by: nChrist on December 23, 2010, 03:20:38 PM Take Out For Lunch
Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Thanks a lot!" she sulked. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey." Title: Who Gets The Dog Post by: nChrist on December 27, 2010, 02:36:33 PM Who Gets The Dog
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog." Title: Potential Company Mergers Post by: nChrist on December 29, 2010, 02:06:19 PM Potential Company Mergers
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace 3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine 3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW! Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da Title: Art Collector Post by: nChrist on December 30, 2010, 02:08:20 PM Art Collector
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats." Title: Pop Rocks Post by: nChrist on December 31, 2010, 03:11:25 PM Pop Rocks
Cassie was taking two of her Grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute." Title: No Matter What Post by: nChrist on January 05, 2011, 02:08:12 PM No Matter What
Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!" On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!" The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop - two inches from the cup. "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!" Title: Hi Tech Watch Post by: nChrist on January 06, 2011, 02:25:27 PM Hi Tech Watch
A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train which leaves at 6:00 PM but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. The guy replies "Sure, which country?" The fella asks "How many countries have you got?", to which the reply is "All the countries in the world!" "Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there." "That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!" "Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one . . . You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?" "Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours." The watchless traveller can hardly whip out his check book fast enough, and hands over a check for $900. The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is your new hi-tech watch" and then, handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says, "and here are the batteries." Title: Comedian's Convention Post by: nChrist on January 07, 2011, 02:43:58 PM Comedian's Convention
Someone brought a visitor and the new fellow sat fascinated as the funnymen shouted out numbers--"56!" "923!" "307!" Each time a number was called, the others would laugh and laugh. Finally he asked his host, "What are the numbers for?" The other man explained, "Oh, we've been coming to these conventions for so long, everyone knows all the jokes. We just categorize them by number and then save time by using the number alone." ENDING #1: The visitor thought this was an interesting idea, and that he would try it himself. So the next time there was a pause, he stood up and called out, "468!" The others roared with laughter. He waited, then called out, "22!" and again everyone roared. Then he called out, "829!" and there was a dead silence--all except for one guy in the fourth row, who laughed so hard that he fell off his chair and rolled on the floor, seemingly unable to stop. The visitor poked his host and whispered, "How come he's laughing and the others aren't?" The host whispered back, "Oh, that's because he never heard that one before." ENDING #2: The visitor thought this was an interesting idea...so he stood up and called out, "468!" and no one laughed--there was a dead silence. Puzzled, he turned to his host. The other man looked away, sniffed, and said condescendingly, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke." Title: Planning Ahead Post by: nChrist on January 10, 2011, 12:49:08 PM Planning Ahead
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." Title: Student Driver Post by: nChrist on January 11, 2011, 01:20:48 PM Student Driver
As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?" Title: Preacher's Donkey Post by: nChrist on January 13, 2011, 04:06:32 PM Preacher's Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!". The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!". The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!", said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man travelled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop", said the man. "Halt!", he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no...'Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!", shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN". The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff. "HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man Title: Airline Rage Post by: nChrist on January 17, 2011, 03:36:36 PM Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!" Title: What Does That Mean? Post by: nChrist on January 19, 2011, 03:19:45 PM What Does That Mean?
Little Levi attended church for the first time with his buddy, Jimmy. As the pastor got up to preach, he took off his watch and laid it on the pulpit. Levi whispered, "what does that mean?" Jimmy replied, "unfortunately -- nothing!" Title: Who's The Boss? Post by: nChrist on January 24, 2011, 10:10:46 PM Who's The Boss?
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" Title: More Insurance Claims Post by: nChrist on January 25, 2011, 05:32:28 PM More Insurance Claims
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket." Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus? This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you? A - Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke." "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight" "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk." "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car." "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo." "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again" "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment." "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way" "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face" "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car" "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car." "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian." "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." Title: Signs You Are Broke Post by: nChrist on January 27, 2011, 12:53:57 PM Signs You Are Broke
1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" 2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. 3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. 4. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. 5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. 6. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul. 7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. 8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. 9. Your bologna has no first name. 10. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice. 11. Sally Struthers sends you food. 12. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. Title: Hair Mission Post by: nChrist on January 31, 2011, 05:01:23 PM Hair Mission
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair. I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible." Title: Amazed Dentist Post by: nChrist on February 01, 2011, 02:31:47 PM Amazed Dentist
"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. "Good Grief!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen." "OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice." "I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo." Title: Mom's Clarinet Post by: nChrist on February 03, 2011, 03:10:14 PM Mom's Clarinet
My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing." Title: Busy Doctors Post by: nChrist on February 04, 2011, 03:48:08 PM Busy Doctors
More and more doctors are running their practices like assembly lines. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" Title: Funny Police Quotes Post by: nChrist on February 07, 2011, 04:25:57 PM Funny Police Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Just how big were those two beers? "In God we trust, all others are suspects." Title: Zoo Mime Post by: nChrist on February 10, 2011, 04:28:03 PM Zoo Mime
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?" Title: Bedroom Traffic Post by: nChrist on February 11, 2011, 07:12:21 PM Bedroom Traffic
On their way home from attending an church service, little Johnny asked his mother, "Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust like the minister said tonight?" "Yes, darling," his mother answered. "And is it true that we go back to dust again when we die?" "Yes, dear," his mother replied. "Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I saw someone who is either coming or going?" Title: Training Exercise Post by: nChrist on February 14, 2011, 06:09:17 PM Training Exercise
While practicing autorotations during military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up the landing and landed on its tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place... Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet." Title: Making Babies Post by: nChrist on February 15, 2011, 01:04:06 PM Making Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'." Title: Hurts To Touch Post by: nChrist on February 17, 2011, 01:39:10 PM Hurts To Touch
One day, a goober was constantly complaining about how everywhere she touched her body, it hurt. Her grandma told her to go and see a doctor. Once there, the goober explained to the doctor how everywhere she touched, it hurt. She said... "If I touch here, it hurts, if I touch my arm, it hurts, if I touch my foot, if I ..." The doctor gave her a complete physical and then delivered his findings. Her finger was broken. Title: In Need Of Prayer Post by: nChrist on February 18, 2011, 02:04:00 PM In Need Of Prayer
A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu. The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?" The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever this is that Mom has." Title: Exam By Chance Post by: nChrist on February 21, 2011, 02:28:06 PM Exam By Chance
A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true/false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false. The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out. But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers." Title: The Good Old Days Post by: nChrist on February 22, 2011, 12:21:23 PM The Good Old Days
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?" Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!" Title: Pastor's Good News - Bad News Post by: nChrist on February 25, 2011, 04:08:59 PM Pastor's Good News - Bad News
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position. Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied. Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show", "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre." Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation. Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war. Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house. Title: Lost Snack Post by: nChrist on February 28, 2011, 12:44:17 PM Lost Snack
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?" Title: Playing House Post by: nChrist on March 04, 2011, 11:07:25 AM Playing House
A boy of three and a girl of four, were playing house one day. They played that they were man & wife and they were going away. As they knocked upon a neighbor's door, the little girl bowed low saying, "This is my husband and I'm his wife. We're visiting you you know." "Come in, come in," the lady at the door said, "and take yourself a seat . I'll bring you both some lemonade and something good to eat." She gave them each a tall glass and a cookie on a plate. Later, she offered them a second cup of frosty lemonade. "Oh no, thank you", the wee lass said, as she took the small boy's hand, "We really have to go now. My husband wet his pants" Title: Dish Shopping Post by: nChrist on March 08, 2011, 12:14:49 PM Dish Shopping
When visiting her family in Los Angeles, a woman decided to explore a trendy shopping area. After window-shopping, she entered a store with unique table displays. Each table was laid out with distinctive linen, fine china, silver and crystal. The woman was the only customer. The young cashier initially asked if she could help, but the woman declined and said she was only browsing. The woman was a bit put off by the glances the cashier kept giving her, but nonetheless, she spent almost an hour examining the different makes of china and silver. It was only after thanking the shopkeeper and leaving that this woman discovered she had been inspecting the tableware at a chic restaurant. Title: How To Interpret Employment Ads Post by: nChrist on March 09, 2011, 04:07:58 PM How To Interpret Employment Ads
"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you. "Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up. "Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day. "Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend. "Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around. "Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control. "Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left. "Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on. "Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect. "Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it. Title: Read Carefully Post by: nChrist on March 10, 2011, 11:02:54 AM Read Carefully
My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours." Title: Jonah Test Post by: nChrist on March 11, 2011, 12:59:08 PM Jonah Test
A little girl was observed by her pastor standing outside the pre-school Sunday School classroom between Sunday School and worship, waiting for her parents to come and pick her up for "big church." The pastor noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the Whale." Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the little girl and began a conversation. "What's that you have in your hand?", he asked. "This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she answered. "Tell me something, little girl," he continued, "do you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to be the truth?" The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe this story to be the truth!" He inquired further, "You really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and OK? You really believe all that can be true?" She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Bible and we studied about it in Sunday School today!" Then the pastor asked, "Well, little girl, can you prove to me that this story is the truth?" She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah." The pastor then asked, "Well, what if Jonah's not in Heaven?" She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly declared, "Then YOU can ask him!" Title: Ungrateful Son-In-Law Post by: nChrist on March 18, 2011, 01:32:01 PM Ungrateful Son-In-Law
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out." Title: Queen Size Post by: nChrist on March 21, 2011, 11:39:28 AM Queen Size
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size". He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!" Title: Mom's Time Out Post by: nChrist on March 28, 2011, 02:11:43 PM Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor. Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on March 28, 2011, 08:31:45 PM Queen Size A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size". He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!" (http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on March 28, 2011, 08:32:42 PM The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a
huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!" So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY! Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on March 28, 2011, 09:13:14 PM The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!" So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY! Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? ;D Thanks! - I needed this laugh! (http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/favor/favor051.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on March 29, 2011, 09:16:24 AM A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!" "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??" Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on March 29, 2011, 12:59:34 PM ;D I'll buy a Bible.
Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on March 30, 2011, 08:36:04 AM George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush are in a plane.
The pilot says that the passengers must lighten their load. so the three presidents decide to drop one item George Washington drops a quarter Abe Lincoln drops a penny George Bush drops a grenade When the presidents land, they find someone holding their head and cursing. George Washington asks the man what's wrong. "i was walking down the street when a quarter falls from the sky and hits my head!" So the presidents continue down the road and find someone hopping on one foot, holding the other, cursing. Abe Lincoln asks "What happened?" "i was standing on my porch barefoot when a penny falls from the sky and hits it!" The presidents continue once more and find a young boy laughing hysterically. George Bush asks "What's so funny?" The boy replies "i farted and my house exploded!!!" (http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on March 30, 2011, 02:42:00 PM (http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/laugh/laugh079.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on March 31, 2011, 09:29:46 AM (I love Sherlock Holmes! While you "guys" are all watching old Three Stooges, I'm watching an old Sherlock Holmes movie!)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.” Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on March 31, 2011, 12:28:29 PM (http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/favor/favor143.gif) Ploughing At Night A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole. Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 01, 2011, 09:33:03 AM It was Critics’ Day in heaven, when all celebrated biblical figures reflected on their life experiences on earth, and decided what would have been the best approach to performing their respective feats.
On the floor today was Moses’ parting of the Red Sea in order to escape the pursuing Egyptians. First up was Noah, who said he would have would have used divine foresight to construct an ark in advance, and conveyed the Israelites across. Peter objected to this, claiming Noah’s method was too technical, stating that he would have simply helped the Israelites walk on the water across the sea. Elijah objected, calling Peter’s method unreliable. He then proposed calling fire down from heaven to consume the Red Sea. Solomon pointed out that this did not solve the problem of the Egyptians. Elijah looked at them incredulously, before saying what appeared to him as obvious: he would call fire down on the Egyptians too. Daniel remarked that Elijah’s method wasn’t cost-effective. He, and a now furious Elijah, then plunged into a heated argument. Finally, Balaam stood up, and proposed placing his donkey in front of all the advancing Egyptians. They all stared at him in awe. (http://i1109.photobucket.com/albums/h434/Tintsaul4/donkey-shrek-iphone-4-wallpaper-460.jpg) Title: $100 Coffee Post by: nChrist on April 01, 2011, 02:44:24 PM (http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/favor/favor203.gif) $100 Coffee A street person approached a passer-by and said, "Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?" "That's ridiculous! Do you think anyone would really pay that much for a cup of coffee?" said the man. "Just a yes or no, buddy," the beggar growled. "I don't need a lecture about how to run my business." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 02, 2011, 10:40:29 AM A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!" Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 04, 2011, 09:43:09 AM 10 Games for Old Folks
1.)Sag, You're it 2.)Pin the Toupee on the bald guy 3.)20 questions shouted into your good ear 4.)Kick the bucket 5.)Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over 6.)Doc Goose 7.)Simon says something incoherent 8.)Hide and go pee 9.)Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10.)Musical recliners Title: The Verge Post by: nChrist on April 04, 2011, 09:32:28 PM ;D I resemble some of those games. My favorite is "Simon says something incoherent".
_______________________________ The Verge A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?" Another child said, "The Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 05, 2011, 10:17:52 AM ;D I resemble some of those games. My favorite is "Simon says something incoherent". _______________________________ The Verge A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?" Another child said, "The Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary." (http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 05, 2011, 10:18:22 AM I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?" Title: Strawberry Fertilizer Post by: nChrist on April 05, 2011, 03:39:28 PM ;D Groan, and another one.
________________________ Strawberry Fertilizer A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 06, 2011, 09:34:18 AM Funny Nun
A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago". The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle. The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again. She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind." Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind. Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel. Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed your flight to Chicago. Title: Lost Balloon Post by: nChrist on April 06, 2011, 12:50:41 PM ;D
_____________________________ Lost Balloon A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in Management". "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 07, 2011, 09:37:30 AM ;D _____________________________ Lost Balloon A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in Management". "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." (http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 07, 2011, 09:38:59 AM If Life Were Like A Computer:
You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel. You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it! You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings. You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy. You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys. To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 08, 2011, 10:01:37 AM For all of us who are---seniors---
for all of you who know seniors--- and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior! 'Where Is My Paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. 'Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.' There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. 'So that's why no one was in church today.' Title: Inspiring Music Post by: nChrist on April 08, 2011, 04:44:03 PM ;D
___ Inspiring Music A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner." Title: Cruising Post by: nChrist on April 08, 2011, 04:44:52 PM Cruising
These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship. 1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship. 2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor. 3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!" 4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The steward was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin." 5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today." 6. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?" Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 09, 2011, 10:30:31 AM Cruising These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship. 1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship. 2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor. 3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!" 4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The steward was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin." 5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today." 6. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?" Oh my gosh! These are hilarious! As a matter of fact, I have always wanted to go on a cruise and just last night my grandson and I were looking online at cruise options because I want to save and take him on one in the fall of 2012! We'll see if we can get through it without asking any of these questions! I'm sure that I can come up with some dumb ones all on my own! Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 09, 2011, 10:31:27 AM A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says: "Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on April 10, 2011, 02:32:10 AM ;D Thanks, I needed that laugh!
(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/monke/monke007.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 10, 2011, 09:58:07 AM You might be in a Redneck Church if:
1. People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. 2. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up. 3. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. 4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." 5. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale." 6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion. 7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. 8. Baptism is referred to as "branding". 9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank. 10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. 11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. 12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. 13. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optional) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: airIam2worship on April 10, 2011, 03:19:44 PM TWO VERY YOUNG BOYS WERE ASKED IF THEY KNEW WHAT GOD'S NAME IS. BOTH OF THEM PROUDLY ANNOUNCED THEY DID! SOON THEY GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT, ONE OF THE BOYS SAID GOD'S NAME IS HAROLD, THE OTHER ONE INSISTED HIS NAME IS ANDY.
THE ONE THAT SAID GOD'S NAME IS HAROLD BACKED IT UP SAYING " I KNOW HIS NAME IS HAROLD, BECAUSE AT NIGHT I ALWAYS PRAY TO HIM, I SAY TO HIM 'OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN, HAROLD BE THY NAME'. " THE SECOND BOY SAID "NO, NO HIS NAME IS ANDY, I KNOW BECAUSE I TALK TO HIM. MY MOM EVEN HAS A SONG THAT TELLS ME HIS NAME IS ANDY, THE SONG SAYS 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' " THE SONG HE IS REFERRING TO IS, IN THE GARDEN. Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on April 10, 2011, 05:33:28 PM ;D Thanks! - I needed these laughs.
(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/dance/dance145.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/dance/dance145.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/dance/dance145.gif)(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/dance/dance145.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: airIam2worship on April 10, 2011, 05:43:40 PM LAUGHTER IS GOOD MEDICINE!! GOD HAS A WONDERFUL SENSE OF HUMOR, HE REMINDS ME EVERY MORNING WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AFTER I CAN FOCUS IN AT WHAT IS IN THE MIRROR I GET A BIIIIIGGG SMILE ON MY FACE.
I CAN SEE, AND I KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT I LOOK LIKE GOD LOVES ME!!!!!!!! Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 11, 2011, 10:23:00 AM An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. (True story!) Title: Miscellaneous Ponderings Post by: nChrist on April 11, 2011, 10:54:40 AM ;D - Thanks - I needed that laugh!
_____________________________ Miscellaneous Ponderings A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE! If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what goober came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: airIam2worship on April 11, 2011, 10:56:30 AM An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. (True story!) THIS IS SO FUNNY!! NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL A REAL SENIOR MOMENT!!! I NEEDED A GREAT LAUGH. :D :D Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: airIam2worship on April 11, 2011, 10:59:19 AM ;D - Thanks - I needed that laugh! _____________________________ Miscellaneous Ponderings A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE! If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what goober came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? YOU GUYS ARE VERY FUNNY TODAY. THANK YOU FOR SHARING Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 12, 2011, 09:46:19 AM A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." "Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked." Title: Cats Post by: nChrist on April 12, 2011, 02:24:11 PM ;D
___ Cats "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." "One cat just leads to another." "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." "Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit." "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." Title: Aging Post by: nChrist on April 13, 2011, 02:33:08 PM Aging
~ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two. ~ You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. ~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun is a lot more work. ~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds? ~ You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. ~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. ~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. ~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. ~ You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. ~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. ~ You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. ~ The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. ~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. ~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~ You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. ~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. ~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. ~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down. Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 14, 2011, 09:55:06 AM ;D ___ Cats "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." "One cat just leads to another." "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." "Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit." "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." (http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 14, 2011, 09:57:55 AM A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.
Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!" "I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt." Title: Cub Reporter Post by: nChrist on April 14, 2011, 04:19:57 PM Cub Reporter
Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles. One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 15, 2011, 10:23:08 AM Ever wonder how blondes remember their Passwords?
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password, she said, "It had to be at least 8 characters long. Title: Laws Of Life Post by: nChrist on April 15, 2011, 05:41:50 PM (http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/favor/favor143.gif) ____________________________ Laws Of Life * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five. * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed. * The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay. * Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens. * First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else. * Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references. * Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale. * The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag. * Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: David_james on April 16, 2011, 10:48:03 AM Another strange thing is: if something hot is left too long, it becomes cold. However, if you have something cold, it becomes room temperature.
Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 16, 2011, 11:05:36 AM Another strange thing is: if something hot is left too long, it becomes cold. However, if you have something cold, it becomes room temperature. Good one David! Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 16, 2011, 11:06:20 AM How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something: 1. Make sure the man is conscious. 2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section. 3. Be brief! Limit your nagging speech to two, three hours, max. 4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover. 5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. 6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on April 16, 2011, 05:12:29 PM Quote from: HisDaughter 6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt." Could you please tell this one to my wife? ;D Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 18, 2011, 09:37:22 AM One day President Obama fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.
Obama thanked them and said he'd give them all one thing in the whole world. The first boy asked for a trip to Disney Land and viola... that summer he was in Disney Land. The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Shocks and sure enough the next day he was wearing a pair of Nike's. The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV, cup holders and hydrolics. Obama, looking puzzled at the boy, asked why he wanted a tricked out wheel chair because he didn't look disabled. The young boy replied, "I will be after my father finds out that I saved you". Title: 10 Most Wanted Post by: nChrist on April 18, 2011, 10:56:20 AM ;D Thanks HisDaughter - I needed that laugh to start the day with.
________________________________ 10 Most Wanted Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted." One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly." So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?" Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 19, 2011, 09:30:54 AM A Blonde woman was standing near a train platform in New York with a pair of handcuffs and some rope.
A gentleman being curious asked the blonde what the handcuffs and rope were for. The blonde responded by saying, "The news reported a runaway train heading to New York and I want the reward for the capture." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on April 19, 2011, 01:12:18 PM A Blonde woman was standing near a train platform in New York with a pair of handcuffs and some rope. A gentleman being curious asked the blonde what the handcuffs and rope were for. The blonde responded by saying, "The news reported a runaway train heading to New York and I want the reward for the capture." (http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/favor/favor051.gif) Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 20, 2011, 08:55:48 AM A little girl, dresses in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.
She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!" Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 24, 2011, 12:34:47 PM A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She heard her daughter say, "Mommy can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle."
Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on April 24, 2011, 05:54:20 PM A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She heard her daughter say, "Mommy can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle." ;D - Thanks, I needed this laugh. HAPPY EASTER! Title: Beware Of Dog Post by: nChrist on April 25, 2011, 02:36:26 PM Beware Of Dog
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door glass. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him." The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." Title: Putting The Cat Out Post by: nChrist on April 28, 2011, 04:31:01 PM Putting The Cat Out
A couple is going out for an evening on the town. When they are almost ready to go, the wife tells her husband not to forget to put out the cat. However, after a Taxi arrives and as they go out the door the cat darts back in the house. Not wanting the cat shut in the house while they are out the husband goes back in to get the cat as the wife goes and gets in the cab. The wife not wanting it known that the house will be empty while they are out explains to the cab driver, "He is just going upstairs to say good-bye to mother." A short time later the husband comes down and gets in the cab. He says, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid old thing was under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger!" Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on April 28, 2011, 09:45:41 PM Putting The Cat Out A couple is going out for an evening on the town. When they are almost ready to go, the wife tells her husband not to forget to put out the cat. However, after a Taxi arrives and as they go out the door the cat darts back in the house. Not wanting the cat shut in the house while they are out the husband goes back in to get the cat as the wife goes and gets in the cab. The wife not wanting it known that the house will be empty while they are out explains to the cab driver, "He is just going upstairs to say good-bye to mother." A short time later the husband comes down and gets in the cab. He says, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid old thing was under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger!" That's a good one! Title: Texas Vacation Post by: nChrist on April 29, 2011, 05:03:35 PM Texas Vacation
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?" "Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..." His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Dan!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Dan simply will not ask for directions." Title: Golf, n. Post by: nChrist on May 02, 2011, 08:39:23 PM Golf, n.
[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic. [2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind. [3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red. [4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort. [5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole. GOLF CART, n. [1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker. GOLFER, n. [1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five; [2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day. Title: No Pets Allowed Post by: nChrist on May 03, 2011, 06:22:03 PM No Pets Allowed
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant. The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The waiter said, "OK then, come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua?? Title: Smile For The DMV Post by: nChrist on May 04, 2011, 01:35:24 PM Smile For The DMV
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: HisDaughter on May 11, 2011, 09:29:57 AM Girlie Wisdom
One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds. The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them. It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire. What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills? You have 12 kids, but you don't really care. Skinny people bug me. They say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my keys, my glasses, my address and my mother's maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat! What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes. Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends. My mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely. What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? I shrinks two sizes. It's nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does. I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day. Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: nChrist on May 11, 2011, 04:24:26 PM Quote from: HisDaughter The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them. ;D My favorite one on the list. (http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i160/tlr10/favor/favor143.gif) Title: Kiss The Mirror Goodbye Post by: nChrist on May 13, 2011, 05:40:15 PM Kiss The Mirror Goodbye
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem: A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. Title: Pastor Jim's Bungee Jump Post by: nChrist on May 16, 2011, 04:58:48 PM Pastor Jim's Bungee Jump
Pastor Jim was called to pastor a large Southern Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas. He had been pastoring a middle sized church in Minnesota and arrived on a Monday in San Antonio. He was greeted warmly and moved into the parsonage and his first official meeting was on Tuesday evening with his deacons. "Brothers, I am interested in getting to know you and request your help in doing this by meeting here at the church Saturday morning at 8:00. While in Minnesota, I learned to enjoy bungee jumping and I felt it would be nice to fellowship down at that high bridge over the Medina River. I will make a jump and show you how it's done and perhaps you may like to try it also." Saturday morning the deacons were all at the church and got into the church van and headed to the Medina River. Once they arrived, the group went to the bridge and observed a Mexican American family having a reunion below. At that Pastor Jim said, "I don't think it will be a real problem, I know the stretch on the cord and I will tie it off so we won't disturb that family." Pastor Jim tied off the cord, put on his harness and climbed to the top of the hand rail, and with that he jumped. As he got close to the bottom a huge cloud of dust arose with a bunch of gleeful laughter and shouts. Suddenly he arose and yelled, "HELP!!" The deacons reached out for him but missed. Again Pastor Jim went down and again a huge cloud of dust, laughter, and screams arose. As Pastor Jim came back up, all eight deacons reached out and grabbed him. When he stood once again firmly on the bridge he asked, "Guys, what is a Pinata"? Title: Possessed Computer? Post by: nChrist on May 18, 2011, 04:55:15 PM Possessed Computer?
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class. Title: Wacky Definitions Post by: nChrist on May 20, 2011, 05:50:19 PM Wacky Definitions
Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law! Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance. Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children. Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf". Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it. Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination. "Normal": A setting on a washing machine. Health: The slowest possible rate of dying. Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money. Boy: A noise with dirt on it. Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off. Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket. Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke. Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them. Title: Altar Call Post by: nChrist on May 23, 2011, 06:10:34 PM Altar Call
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front. Title: Hearing Problems Post by: nChrist on May 27, 2011, 05:55:50 PM Hearing Problems
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Title: The Tie Post by: nChrist on May 31, 2011, 03:38:27 PM The Tie
A man goes into a restaurant and the waitress stops him. "Sorry sir, you need to wear a tie to enter". So the man goes back to his car and looks around, but there's no necktie to be found. So he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle about. He goes back to the restaurant, where the waiter says, "Well, OK, you can come in...... ....Just don't start anything." Title: Enemies In The West Post by: nChrist on June 01, 2011, 05:44:47 PM Enemies In The West
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now." Title: New Employee Travel Policy Post by: nChrist on June 02, 2011, 02:48:46 PM New Employee Travel Policy
Due to the budget constraints, the following policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: LODGING: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations and office lobbies may also provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. TRANSPORTATION: Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel, in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on such travel. Airline tickets will only be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, the travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. MEALS: Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Costco Club stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should utilize all you can eat salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together - as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on official travel. Cans of tuna, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation. MISCELLANEOUS: All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save our budget dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover period, which could be used to defray expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure, so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made, as time permits. FEEDBACK: As always senior management is interested in your feedback on these proposals. Please e-mail them to head office and they will be carefully reviewed after we return from the senior management motivational retreat in Italy. Title: Cat Sale Post by: nChrist on June 07, 2011, 01:31:46 PM Cat Sale
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats." Title: Chicken Neighbor Post by: nChrist on June 13, 2011, 04:43:25 PM Chicken Neighbor
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted. The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom. So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?" "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that." Title: Noah Glue Post by: nChrist on June 15, 2011, 04:53:46 PM Noah Glue
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe." Title: Kiss The Mirror Goodbye Post by: nChrist on June 16, 2011, 05:36:24 PM Kiss The Mirror Goodbye
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem: A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. Title: Great Writing Post by: nChrist on June 17, 2011, 04:30:56 PM Great Writing
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. Title: Wrong Guard Post by: nChrist on June 22, 2011, 02:21:32 PM Wrong Guard
It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower. After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf. The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm. When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn't know if I really liked it yet. Her response still rings in my ears.. "I didn't buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!" After shaving my arm pits in order to lift my arms and hours of laughing by my entire family I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing. Title: For Sale Sign Post by: nChrist on June 23, 2011, 11:17:50 PM For Sale Sign
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing. "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale." Title: More Incorrect Post by: nChrist on June 24, 2011, 05:00:39 PM More Incorrect
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the department manager. "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'" Title: Bear Hunting Post by: nChrist on June 27, 2011, 02:01:56 PM Bear Hunting
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!" Title: Buy A Verdict Post by: nChrist on June 29, 2011, 02:58:17 PM Buy A Verdict
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way. "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit." Title: Old Dogs Post by: nChrist on June 29, 2011, 03:03:18 PM Old Dogs
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience. Title: The Half Cake Diet Post by: nChrist on July 04, 2011, 02:36:53 PM The Half Cake Diet
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!" Title: Parenting Tip Post by: nChrist on July 05, 2011, 12:20:49 PM Parenting Tip
Mary Siegel was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm." "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. "Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!" Title: Tips On Love Post by: nChrist on July 06, 2011, 04:35:18 PM Tips On Love
*Tips On Love From Those That Should Know* (all questions were answered by kids, age 5-10) *What is the proper at to get married?* "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom,5) *What do most people do on a first date?* "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10) *When is it OK to kiss someone?* "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally,9) *The great debate: Is it better to be single or married?* "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette,9) "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny,7) *Concerning why love happens between two particular people.* "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan,9) "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8 ) *On what falling in love is like.* "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo,7) *On the role of good looks in love.* "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8 ) "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7) "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine,9) *Concerning why lovers often hold hands* "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8 ) *Confidential Opinions About Love* "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons is on television." (Anita, 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8 ) "I'm not rushing into being in love-I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina,10) Title: The Big Sale Post by: nChrist on July 08, 2011, 06:21:11 PM The Big Sale
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!" Title: Too Late To Date Post by: nChrist on July 12, 2011, 07:06:12 PM Too Late To Date
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead." Title: Three Legged Chicken Post by: nChrist on July 14, 2011, 05:33:06 PM Three Legged Chicken
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!! Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?" The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece." "That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?" "Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em." Title: In My Day Post by: nChrist on July 19, 2011, 12:31:17 PM In My Day
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." Title: How Government Works Post by: nChrist on July 25, 2011, 02:53:53 PM How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman. Title: Dad And Baby Post by: nChrist on July 27, 2011, 12:48:12 PM Dad And Baby
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change." The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!" Title: Dog Applicant Post by: nChrist on July 28, 2011, 09:42:09 AM Dog Applicant
A sign was hung in an office window. It read: Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer. A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job. The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer." So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted. The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer. The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual." The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow." Title: Signs Found In The Kitchen Post by: nChrist on July 29, 2011, 10:27:26 AM Signs Found In The Kitchen
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Martha Stewart doesn't live here!! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. If you write in the dust, please don't date it! I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards. Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand! Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump. Title: Parenthood Post by: nChrist on August 04, 2011, 03:41:43 PM Parenthood
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results. The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side. Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children. The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car. Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds. The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed. Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren. There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it. Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm. Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am. There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age. Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers. An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children. Title: Brightness In Action Post by: nChrist on August 05, 2011, 04:18:55 PM Brightness In Action
*I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn on. *My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" *I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair, the whole thing looking like an extra from "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich. *I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person, who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" *The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!" Title: Politically Correct Statements Post by: nChrist on August 11, 2011, 03:08:20 AM Politically Correct Statements
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." AND FOR STUDENTS... The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired." You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed." These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive." Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience." You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness." You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building." Title: Car Wars Post by: nChrist on August 15, 2011, 05:01:19 PM Car Wars
A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Mini Cooper also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the Mini Cooper owner that his was the best car that money could buy. "This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photo chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...." At this point the Mini Cooper owner interrupted. "But do you have a video in there?" The light changed at this point, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo. A few days passed by, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the Mini Cooper again. It was pulled over to a side, with the glasses all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the Mini Cooper. After a few moments, the Mini Cooper owner poked his head out (which was dripping with water, by the way!). "I installed a VCR in my limo", said the businessman proudly. The Mini Cooper-man responded: "You got me out of the shower for THAT?" Title: Seen Signs Post by: nChrist on August 17, 2011, 05:28:54 PM Seen Signs
These signs might not communicate what was hoped for. On a California freeway: Fine for Littering On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst Possible Job In a New York jewelry store: Genuine Fauz Pearls In a Kansas City oculist's office: Broken lenses duplicated here In a Boston fast-food parking lot: Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only Billboard on Florida highway: If You Can't Read, We Can Help On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas. At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended On a Rapid City store: Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant: The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur In a Grand Rapids restaurant: Half baked chicken In a Dayton barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honouring Robert Frost: Frost Free Library Title: Takes One To Know One Post by: nChrist on August 19, 2011, 11:33:24 AM Takes One To Know One
Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore." "Why not?" "Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green." "That's possible." "Not when I had the ball in my pocket!" Title: Judge's Watch Post by: nChrist on September 05, 2011, 10:33:20 PM Judge's Watch
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police. "For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on the nightstand in my bedroom." When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?" "What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?" "I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was." Title: Sunday Lollipop Post by: nChrist on September 07, 2011, 07:28:48 PM Sunday Lollipop
The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked. "I bought it with the nickel you gave me." "The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School." "I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free." Title: Time Travel Post by: nChrist on September 14, 2011, 04:14:07 PM Time Travel
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. "The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m." "Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked. The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?" "No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off." Title: New Convert Help Post by: nChrist on November 08, 2011, 12:31:37 AM New Convert Help
He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord. He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the community. The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can. You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church." Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again. Sincerely, J. B. Jones, M.D. P.S. - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?" Title: Cure For Lateness Post by: nChrist on November 10, 2011, 09:08:24 AM Cure For Lateness
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!" "That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" Title: Rest In Peace Post by: nChrist on November 11, 2011, 03:13:29 PM Rest In Peace
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this, 'Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'" Title: No More Gators Post by: nChrist on November 14, 2011, 04:55:37 PM No More Gators
While sports fishing off Melbourne Beach, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beach bum said. "The sharks got 'em." Title: Young Businessman Post by: nChrist on November 22, 2011, 01:50:43 PM Young Businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." Title: Blessed Be The Tie Post by: nChrist on November 23, 2011, 09:22:02 PM Blessed Be The Tie
A guy walking in the desert desperately needed a drink. As he followed the dunes, he came upon another man riding a camel. He asked the man if he had something to drink. The man on the camel said "No, but if you like, I have a nice selection of ties. Would you like to buy one?" "No!" The first man replied. "Are you crazy? I need something to drink, not a tie!" So the man on the camel rode on, and the walking man continued his slow and very thirsty trek for several days. Finally he came upon a cantina. He gratefully approached the doorman at the cantina and said, "I'm so glad I made it! Can I get in and get some water?" The doorman frowned at him. "Not without a tie." Title: Tough Teacher Post by: nChrist on December 02, 2011, 01:19:09 PM Tough Teacher
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth! Title: Interview Excerpts Post by: nChrist on December 02, 2011, 01:20:15 PM Interview Excerpts
The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here: 1. "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 4. "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 5. "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve." 6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." 9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 10. "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther." Title: Things Not To Say To On Date Post by: nChrist on December 26, 2011, 04:44:17 PM Things Not To Say To On Date
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. * I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. * I used to come here all the time with my ex. * I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it. * Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. * I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. * And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest. * I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask. * It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am. Title: Country Puddle Post by: nChrist on December 27, 2011, 03:53:41 PM Country Puddle
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!" Title: Weather Forecaster Post by: nChrist on January 05, 2012, 10:13:12 PM Weather Forecaster
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The CAT Title: Memory Clinic Post by: nChrist on January 16, 2012, 06:10:31 PM Memory Clinic
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Fred turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?" Title: Cat T-Shirts Post by: nChrist on January 18, 2012, 12:41:13 AM Cat T-Shirts
If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say. "Purrfection cannot be improved" "If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat" "Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years." "Take my advice. I'm not using it." "I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?" "Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know." "Dogs have owners. Cats have staff." "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this." Title: Walking Out Post by: nChrist on January 18, 2012, 03:32:35 PM Walking Out
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." Title: Lawyer Laughs Post by: nChrist on January 19, 2012, 07:08:20 PM Lawyer Laughs
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide: 1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Q: Did he kill you? 4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6. Were you alone or by yourself? 7. How long have you been a French Canadian? 8. Do you have children or anything of that kind? 9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes Q: What were you doing at the time? 13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14. So you were gone until you returned? 15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None Q: Were there girls? 16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy! Title: Tea For Two Post by: nChrist on January 23, 2012, 04:54:40 PM Tea For Two
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked. "I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied. His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!" Title: Owl Friend Post by: nChrist on January 24, 2012, 02:58:53 PM Owl Friend
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband." Title: Rejected Invitation Post by: nChrist on January 27, 2012, 02:15:38 PM Rejected Invitation
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk." Title: Sick Day Post by: nChrist on January 31, 2012, 11:44:45 PM Sick Day
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work. "Did you read the paper?" he asked. "I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat." Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on January 29, 2022, 06:23:42 PM Great Reasons To Be A Guy...
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. My wife didn't see me post this!! Title: “Where is God?!” Post by: Shammu on May 27, 2022, 12:13:28 AM Jimmy and Matty, ages 8 and 4, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew if any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent Matty in the morning, and planned to send Jimmy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!” Again, Matty made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” Matty, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!” :D Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on May 27, 2022, 12:38:35 AM A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished??” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He then takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”he said with a deep sigh ………… “Let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box honey.” ************************** An old farmer wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. “What have you got for collateral??” asked the banker, going strictly by the book. “Don’t know what collateral means.” “Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles??” “Yes, I have a 1979 pickup.” The banker shook his head, “How about livestock??” “Yes, I have a horse.” “How old is it??” “I don’t know; it has no teeth.” Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here’s the money to pay loan,” he said, handing the entire amount including interest. “What are you going to do with the rest of that money??” “Put it in my pocket.” “Why don’t you deposit it in my bank??” he asked. “I don’t know what deposit means.” “Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.” The man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, “What you got for collateral??” Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on May 27, 2022, 12:47:22 AM Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, “Take only one, God is watching.”
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.” ************************* One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white??” ************************* A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing a picture of God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.” ************************* So true when you have brothers and sisters A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters??” Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.” Title: Re: Laughter - Good Medicine - New Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2022, 12:39:31 PM Seven observations on aging that actually make you happy..........We're all in this together. You may as well enjoy the ride!!
1. It’s been a bumpy road, but all the wrinkles and pounds gained are signs of a life well lived. 2. You can use “I’m getting old” as an excuse for anything!! 3. When you’re young, they tell you that you must choose between comfort and fashion. The older you get, the less you care!! 4. As the silver hairs start growing in – you realize you can totally own it. 5. These early twenty-somethings believe they are living their best life in college. But you’re not the one sitting in a lecture hall at 8 A.M. 6. Two words: Senior. Discounts. ;D 7. Sure, you could live your entire life in fear of aging. Or you can take one day at a time and live it to the fullest! Let your hair down while you still have it and enjoy the ride!! Title: True Story Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2022, 12:53:26 PM True Story ;D
Be honest, there’s more than a handful of us who are guilty of using their phone during a dinner. Whether it’s to send a text, browse the web or check up on whatever social media site you follow, one thing will always be the same: it’s rude. It’s especially rude for most families as dinner is the only time they get to bond. How can you bond and get to know your children when they’re nose deep in their cell phones frying their eyes?? The family is enjoying dinner together when the kids become distracted by their cell phones. This, of course, irritated the parents. The father asked for the salt but his distracted kids passed him the pepper instead. That was the last straw, dad decided to put a little perspective into his kids eyes. A loud thud could be heard as the boy look up to see their father fiddling away on a typewriter. The typewriter is loud and the kids were confused. They tried to get their dad’s attention, but he ignored them. Finally, he says “Sorry, I must have been distracted.” The kids got the message and put their phones away. With that, the father was finally able to get his salt. |