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Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The
other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big
red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
 
Sincerely,

Honey Pea

 ;D ;D ;D

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams
in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are
you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says.  "Your finger is
broken"!

 ;D ;D ;D

LOL!  ;D

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of  his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:

"Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and I wrote him a check."

 ;D ;D ;D

Ambassador those are hilarious ;D ;D Here is one for ya

Three engineers were best of friends well one of them comes into work one day driving a brand new pickup truck.  Well his two buddies thought something isn't quite right here so they asked him "Hey George, how did you afford that new truck?"
George replied "It's a long story but here you go."
"I was just walking out to the mailbox the other day when this real pretty girl came rolling up behind me in this truck."
"She told me to get in she had something I had to see"
So I get curious as to what she has to show me.  We take a few backroads and before I know it we are out in this big open field.  She jumps out of the truck takes off her clothes and then lays on the ground.  She looks up at me and says "Take whatever you want."
"So I took the truck"
His two friends look at him kind of odd then one says "Good call George the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

 ;D

 ;D   ;D   ;D

ROFL - Thanks! - I needed those laughs.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Arnold Palmer &Tiger Woods



Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."
 ;D ;D ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Ambassador4Christ,

 ;D  Arnold and Tiger.

Here's one I heard on Animal Planet the other day. I told it to my wife and she asked me if I really thought it is funny. Yes, I think it is funny.

Do you know why they stopped making pig pens?










They have a hard enough time with #2 pencils.

I'll run for cover now.

In Christ,
Tom

Mr. BEP, sir - you better run looooong and faaaaaar.


 ;D :D ;D

DITTO ;D

 ;D   ;D   ;D  Feet, don't fail me now!

(http://www.gifs.net/animate/cheetah.gif)

Mr. BEP, sir - you've talked about 'running like a cheetah' before - here's one just for you.

JN

Oklahoma Howdy to JudgeNot,

 :D Brother, that will work fine. (Like a piece of chained down lightning!)

That reminds me of an old movie I watched several days ago on a channel called "TV Land", "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein". I laughed till I thought I was going to cry. Costello needed to run REAL BAD several times, but he couldn't get his feet in gear.   ;D

It turns out that TV Land has a bunch of the really old shows if you need a good clean laugh. My wife and I watched the very first episode of the Andy Griffith Show several weeks ago. We watched another old Andy Griffith Show this week. Barney was giving a bunch of children a tour of the jail and locked himself in without the key. Andy let him out and said something like, "just remember what happens to people who do bad things".   ;D

Love In Christ,
Tom

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.   She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.   She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.   That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel  much
better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it.   As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard  conditions.   After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got outand came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.   The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had  been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plowwhen caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue  if she wanted ...
but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and wasgoing over to Target next.

 ;D ;D ;D

Three young friends decide to go into the Catholic ministry; they are approved, and become: "Father Flarity, Father Sicola and Father Flannigan."

Years pass and promotions occur. It is "Bishop Flarity", and "Bishop Flannigan"; but still "Father Sicola."

A few more years pass, and it's: "Cardinal Flarity", and "Cardinal Flannigan" --- but still "Father Sicola!"

Father Sicola requests an audience with his superior. He says: "I'm not a vain mahn, ya' knoew; buht me friends r' adVANcin', ahnd I'd be appreciative if ya' c'ld tell me why ah'm NOT?"

His superior's shoulders fell, he took a deep breath; looked down, then looked up again. "Well ah'll tell ya; yer performance has been EXEMPLARY; the people all LOVE ya'; ya've cehrtainly got all o' th' qualifications. But, ya' knoew, once ya' stahrt adVANcin', thar's just no way o' telling where ya' might end UP. Ahnd face it, my friend; it just wouldna' do a-tall, if someday we had a POPE-SICOLA..."
 ;D

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!!!!!!!!  
 
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the acelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 ;D ;D
 

There you go making fun of the elderly.  >:(

(But I like it.)  ;D

hehehe.  Funnee, A4C.  


How 'bout this.  Instead of "Deer Crossing",  " Geezer Crossing".


hehe.   ???

OK here's another blond joke:

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

Good One Left Coast, LOL ;)

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable, especially on a Monday morning. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied about it anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
 
One Sunday morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
 
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
 
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
 
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the reset button.
 
It is the last action I remember performing.
 
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
 
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
 
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ...and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all.
 
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
 
Which it was.
 
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
 
If they only knew.

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Left Coast,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks, I needed that laugh. Did you let the cat live?

If it had happened to me he would have been living somewhere else. ;D

A good ole boy from Texas died and went to heaven.   St Peter started showing him the sights around heaven.  As he showed him the city, the Texan says, "yeah, we got buildings like that in Texas.  Huge sky scrapers all over the place".  St. Peter then showed him the streets of Gold.  The Texan says, " you should see the highways we have in Texas, super highways, expressways, farm to market...all over the place".  St. Peter was getting a little frustrated at this point.  So he takes the Texan to the edge of heaven and points down at a huge lake of fire, and asks the Texan, "Do you have anything like that in Texas?"  The Texan says "Nope, sure don't, but I got a few ole boys that can help you put that thing out!"   ;D

TEXAS HAS IT ALL

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls
up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in
the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep,
got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes
off. Well, the guy  in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.  

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He
picks up his car and rives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and
he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy >window of the Volkswagen.


 (It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)


The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a
crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"  

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO
TELL ME THAT?!"  ;D ;D

 ;D   ;D  Texas - ROFL & can't get up.

Tom

He-he-he!
Kinda like the Alaskan that bragged "We got enought gold to build a solid gold wall 6 foot tall all the way around Texas!"  To which the Texan replied, "You build it, we'll buy "it!

Got this in my email. lol thought yous would maybe get a lol outta it!
TL

One of my recollections, from bygone days of yore is the little house,
behind the house, with the crescent o'er the door.


'Twas a place to sit and ponder with your head bowed down so low,
knowing you wouldn't be there, if you didn't have to go.

Ours was a three-holer, with a size for every one. You left there
feeling better after the job was done.

You had to make these frequent trips, whether snow, rain, sleet, or fog,
To the little house where you sat and read the Eatons
catalog.

Oft times, in dead of winter, the seat was white with snow. 'Twas then
with much reluctance to the little house you'd go.

With a swish you'd clear the seat, bend low with shivers in mind, you'd
blink your eyes and grit your teeth as you sat on your
behind.

I recall the day that Granddad, who stayed with us one summer, Made a
trip out to the shanty, which proved to be a hummer.

'Twas the same day Dad had finished painting the kitchen green. He'd
just cleaned up the mess he'd made with rags and
gasoline.

He tossed the rags in the shanty hole and went on his carefree way, Not
knowing that by doing so he would later rue the day.

Now Granddad had an urgent call; I never will forget! This trip he made
to the little house lingers in my memory yet.

He sat down on the shanty seat, with both feet on the floor, then filled
his pipe with tobacco and struck a match on the
outhouse door.

As he took a long puff on his pipe, he slowly raised his behind, tossed
the flaming match in the open hole, with not a worry on
his mind.

The blast that followed, I am sure was heard for miles around; and there
was poor ol' Granddad just sitting on the ground.

The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, his suspenders he held tight;
The celebrated three-holer was blown clear out of sight.

When we asked him what had happened, his reply I'll ne'er forget. Poor
Granddad thought it must have been something he had
et!

Next day we had a new one, which my Dad had built with ease. With a new
sign on the entrance door which read: No
smoking, Please!

Now that's the end of the story, with memories of long ago, of the
little house, behind the house where we went 'cause we had
to go.

Tiger - I KNOW you are a girl - I've seen your picture!  What part of "For Men Only" is unclear???   ;D ;D ;D
Cute poem.
 :)
My brother, his wife and my niece didn't have indoor plumbing until 1995 - my niece was in high school and they'd been in their 'house' for over ten years before the very first indoor "flush" resounded throughout the woods near Soldotna.  In my sister-in-laws words "It was a glorious day".  ;D

I enjoyed them all. LOL

Your friend and brother

The Crusader
<:)))><

ROFL  :D

Come on JN, nothing like a gal hanging out with the guys for a good laugh!

Just funnin ya man!  Keep em comin TL!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple (probably older even than Mr. & Mrs BEP) stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
 
  When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. She didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
 
 All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
 
 To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband yelled to her: "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

      You guys crack me up, funny stuff, ROTFLMHO! ;D

                                                    Paul2 ;D

LOl um ty 2nd timothy I um think?? hehe

ok heres a little something for ya's...
(http://www.coolfunnypictures.com/caution.jpg)

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast

lol, I really did mean that in a kind way TL...I promise!


ROF

Brother JudgeNot,

 ;D   ;D  I resemble that remark, but I wear the glasses and my wife wears the hat.

Oklahoma Howdy to Tigerlily,

ROFL - I'm glad you've been saving up some funnies for us. The sign picture made me think of signs all over Oklahoma that say "Watch for Ice on Bridge". We rarely have really cold weather, but we look for the ice, even on 110 degree days.

Love In Christ,
Tom

That definitely must be FICTION!  ;D But Funny! ;D

hehe.. ok, then ty ty ty ;)
Hope yous enjoy these little "funnies"
hi tom, Glad your enjoying them,,  ;D

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service. ;D


The Fridge(http://www.00fun.com/doctor.gif)

70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally,emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof! The light goes on &I go to the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off!"

"Wow,"commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife."Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great.But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"

Thelma replied, "Darn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!" (http://www.00fun.com/man_with_cane_md_wht.gif) :-X ;)

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new
dentist, I noticed his framed Dental Certificate on the wall. The reason I
noticed it I think is that it had his full name written on it.
Thinking that it sounded very familiar, I realized that he was a High
School classmate of mine 50 some years ago!
Suddenly, I remembered this tall handsome boy, with brown wavy hair, and a
smile that would make the room light up. Smiling to myself, I also
remembered the "crush" I had on him! But somehow, we never "made contact."
After completing all of the necessary forms, and waiting for a few minutes,
I was ushered into a room, "napkined" and was told that "The Dr. will be in
a few moments."
Upon seeing him however I quickly discarded my "dreamy" thoughts o him.
My "dream boat" was now gray haired, beginning to bald, a little stooped,
and had a deeply lined face that was much too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, and we were waiting for the X-ray's to be
developed, I asked him if he had attended a local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1951."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely for a moment, then asked, "What class did you
teach?"  ::) ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Tigerlily,


Thanks, I needed those laughs.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Tom, Your Very(http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0awAQA7EhLinCNQYptILli56LtrjfA4atvwVxkR78w2ZM0A9bvcn!v0LHzw!TSKlL*W1qQ8DMj88vj7zXwURyQDzMuZJY72ypE2LSt1lyGdgb5BpUvstuliwDl95ya7eorgSoWpZ7QfC1x!FrbYDzFsN9nb*lDbhq/Welcome%2520gold%2520with%2520diamonds.gif?dc=4675449287620623181) ;D

(loved those loling lips hehe very cute)

Could ADMIN boost the memory of this website so I could post a reply to Tiger's reply to Mr. BEP's reply?  If I'm going to keep up with the Jones' (covet my neighbor?) I need POWER.   ;D ;D

Just kidding guys.   ;D  Honest!  Just kidding!!!!

It reminds me of the classic suburbian battle for "best Christmas lights" - blew out the local power plant.

(He-he-he.  I kill me!)  ;D

  ;D8)

Thanks tigerlily, LOL ;D

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
>were to begin.  Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
>he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged  In
>his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out bible. The
>church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city.  It
>was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen.  The
>people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and
>accessories  As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him.  No
>one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his
>appearance and did not attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon
>about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the
>church needed to do God's work.  As the old cowboy was leaving the church,
>the! preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.
>"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what
>He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship here." The old cowboy
>assured the preacher he would.  The next Sunday, he showed back up for the
>services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat.  Once again
>he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and
>said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our
>church." "I did," replied the old cowboy. "If you spoke to God, what did he
>tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the
>preacher. "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should
>wear.  He says He's never been in this church before."
>

Good one Coyote ;D

Thank God for Children Saying Grace...

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My
six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we
bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great.
Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you
more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty
and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers
nearby I heard a ! woman remark, "That's what's wrong
with this country. Kids today don't even know how to
pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!" Hearing
this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do
it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a
terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an
elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at
my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought
that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then in a
theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman
whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad
she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream
is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of
the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then
did something I will remember the rest of my ! life.
He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked
over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, "Here,! this is for you.
Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul
is good already."

The End.

I loved this story! Please keep it moving. Sometimes
we all need some ice cream. I pray God sends you some
Ice Cream today.

I agree ice cream is good for the soul. GOOD STORY!!!!!!

The young recuits in the army were given their guns and told not to lose them.

The next day they were called out for muster before going on an exercise, but one recruit had lost his gun.

The drill sergeant came down on him hard for several minutes then decided that to embarrass him he would have to participate in the exercise anyway pretending to hold a rifle.  But he would have to go Bangity bang bang bang to shoot and Stabbity stab stab stab to use his bayonet.

Well the exercise commenced and to everyone's suprise the recruit was great, he was practically winning the day on his own, going Bangity bang bang bang and Stabbity stab stab stab.  It looked like his platoon was going to win until one last recruit from the other force came over the hill.

The first recruit attacked Bangity bang bang bang, Stabbity stab stab stab, Bangity bang bang bang, Stabbity stab stab stab but the other refused to die, he just walked right over the top of the first recruit going Tankity tank tank tank.

> .Subject: Six Again
>
>
> A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day.
>
> "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of Mother's Day,
he arose early, got up fixed her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and  then
took her off to the local theme park.
>
> What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear,
>
> the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.  Five hours
later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's  where
her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate shake.  Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star
Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,  M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!  Finally she wobbled home with her  husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious  wife with a big
smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like  being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly  changed. "You idiot, I
meant my dress size!"
>
> The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.. ;D ;D ;D ;D

Thanks everyone, I enjoyed them all. LOL :)

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN, by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggest that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Thanks JudgeNot ;D

Whose Fault Is It

  Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
 

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
 
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
 
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
 

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased
blames the airline.
 

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it
is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is
parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame
Bill Gates...okay?
 
 

Bye!
Have a Great Day!
 

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.  The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again".

SO....THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'...CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY! ;D

Ha-ha-ha!  A4C  - now I have to call 911 - Help! I've fallen down (laughing!) and I can't get up!

A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his
wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's three
o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and
returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked the wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's three o'clock in the morning
and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes
out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the
dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes back the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Good One :) LOL

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs; and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Oklahoma.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!

What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.

Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of humor."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee." ;D ;D ;D ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,


 ;D  Thanks Brother! - I needed that laugh.

Love In Christ,
Tom

I told that one to the wife.. I got slapped on the back of the head.... note to self no blonde jokes while watching TV with back of head exposed. ;D

IT MIGHT WORK ;D



An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but  I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago  for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.


Older woman:  Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.


The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a >license, that you stole this  car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 ;D ;D ;D

A4C - Stop - quit doing that to me - you KNOW i'm a heart patient!
(http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0903/lachen/laughing-smiley-014.gif)

You made my day JudgeNOT LOL ;D ;D ;D ;D

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It's three o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain outside!!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him- and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

 ;D ;D

Terminology

   ADULT:
   A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

  BEAUTY PARLOR:
  A place where women curl up and dye.

  CANNIBAL:
  Someone who is fed up with people.

   CHICKENS:
  The only animals you eat before they are born and after   they are dead.

   COMMITTEE:
   A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

   DUST:
   Mud with the juice squeezed out.

   EGOTIST:
   Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

   HANDKERCHIEF:
   Cold Storage.

   INFLATION:
   Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

   MOSQUITO:
   An insect that makes you like flies better.

   RAISIN:
   Grape with a sunburn.

   SECRET:
   Something you tell to one person at a time.

   SKELETON:
   A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
   TOOTHACHE:
   The pain that drives you to extraction.

   TOMORROW:
   One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

  YAWN:
  An honest opinion openly expressed.

   WRINKLES:
   Something other people have.  You have character lines.
   "Live right - Laugh often - Love much"

 ;D ;D ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

 ;D   ;D   Ooooooooooo! - LOL - That would be an extremely bad day for a police officer.

Tom

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his
sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant.  "Here, take this broom.
Just point it at the enemy, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang.'"

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible)
recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and
attaches it to the handle end.  "Here, use this ...  just go, 'Stabity
Stab Stab.'"

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, an enemy soldier charges at him.  The recruit points the
broom.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" The enemy falls dead.

More enemies appear.  The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes
"Bangety Bang Bang!  Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy
by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one enemy soldier
walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang!  shouts the recruit.  The enemy keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail.  He gets
desperate.  "Bangety Bang Bang!  Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The enemy keeps coming.  He stomps the recruit into the ground,
and says
..  "Tankety Tank Tank."

 ;D

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.  He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.  I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by.  He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God.  I'm still waiting."  He got down to the last couple of minutes, and a Marine just released from active duty, and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.  The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you?  Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."
Semper Fi

Oklahoma Howdy to Judgenot,

 ;D   ;D  We need more Marines. Thanks, I needed that laugh.

Love In Christ,
Tom

;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Shylynne,

Nukety, Nuke, Nuke!

Not His Day.....

One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, he sees a man dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway.
The man gestures for him to stop.

Thinking there might be an emergency, the guy stops, rolls
down the window and says, "How can I help you?"

"I am the red jerk of the highway." The man dressed in red says. "You got something to eat?"

With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the man in red and drives away. Not five minutes later, he comes across another man. This man is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.

A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and
says, "What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow jerk of the highway." The man in yellow says.
"You got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the man a can
of Coke, stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to
make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster
and not stop no matter what.

To his frustration, he sees another man on the side of the road. This one is dressed in all in blue and is also signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, right? And just what do YOU want?"

"Driver's license and registration, please."

Oklahoma Howdy to Sincereheart,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks Sister, I needed that laugh.

Your joke was great. Now, here's my groaner. You may have to think about it a minute. When you figure it out, it still might not be funny.   ;)

======================

A traffic cop stopped a woman for speeding and approached the car. The officer said, "Ma'am, I stopped you for going 35 mph in a 20 mph school zone." The lady answered, "But officer, I'm only going to be out for a few minutes."

One of BEP's explots as a cop:

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the
Limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never
let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And
What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing
he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the
Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs
In behind! the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting The airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo To 105mph.  

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop, Officer tom ;-), approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and Officer Tom tells him that he's
stopped a  limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really! important," said Tom

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said Officer Tom.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Tom: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Tom: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Tom: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope driving his limo!"

 ;D ;D ;D

he-he-he-he  :D

Thanks Tibby! - I needed that laugh.

Any time ;D

WEST VIRGINIA Mountaineers

A group of W.Va. friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.  "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had  a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

===============================================
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at W.V.U.  was overheard saying ...
"when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in West Virginia."
When asked why,  he  stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

==================================================

The young Mountaineer came running into the store and said to his buddy,   "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Mountaineer answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

=======================================================

NEWS FLASH ! Morgantown, WV

West Virginia's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two West Virginia University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Morgantown.
Mountaineer search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

=============================================================

A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-79.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut... ?"

LOL Thanks Crusader ;D

POLITICIANS & DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED,
FOR THE SAME REASON ;D ;D

Is it approipriate for me to say AMEN! to that?  ;)

Hello Guys,

Here's the warm-up. The real knee-slapper is next.   ;D

_____________________

We're having a dinner catered at our house this week end.  The chef is "Wheels" Pierre.  He's the chef at the local Road Kill Cafe (you kill it we grill it).

The Menu Choices:

    Center Line Bovine
        real good right from the hood
    Chicken
        that didn't cross the road
    Flat Cat
        single or in a stack

Dessert
    Road Toad Ala Mode

They also have a daily special
    "Guess That Mess"
        free if you can guess what it is

THE PERKS OF BEING 50+ .....sigh...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.

4. People call at 9 P.M. & ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You have a party & the neighbors don't even realize it.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.



Chapter 1:  GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Who.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and forget why you're there.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.


Chapter 2:   SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

4. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

5. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to the Mall.


Chapter 3:  SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes & you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy & your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means there's no need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to go to the bathroom.

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin. Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) Sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure."
Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"
Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks." ;D ;D ;D

Room 302

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel  in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure  is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a  couple of hours  and, if  she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her  home  Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"


"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything ;D ;D

 :D  :D  :D A4C - you are one funny guy.  Do you do "Stand-up"????

Here's one:

After hearing a sermon about wives submitting to husbands, and husbands submitting to wives, the husband decides he needs to add some “spice” between him and his wife of many years.  So he goes to the local mall and visits Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for her.  He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price; the more sheer, the higher the price.  He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.  He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs and put it on before bedtime.  Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, my husband will never know the difference, and I’ll return it tomorrow and get a $500 refund.  So when the husband goes upstairs to bed, he walks in their bedroom and the wife strikes a pose.  The husband says, "Whoa! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"  




Funeral Services are pending

 ;D   ;D  

Thanks Brother! - I needed those laughs.

Good one JudgeNot LOL ;D


-----------------------------------------

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned
that most people die of natural causes. ;D

A favorite joke ...

My Wife is Poisoning Me!

A man goes to see his rabbi about a problem he is having.

"Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you
about it." says the man.

"What's the matter?" asks the rabbi, sensing that there is a
serious problem.

"My wife is poisoning me!" exclaims the man.

Stunned, the rabbi asks, "How can that be?"

"I'm telling you that I'm certain that she's poisoning me."
replies the man.

The rabbi puts his hand on the man to comfort him and says,
"Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out
and let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man. "Well I spoke to your
wife. I called her on the phone and spoke to
her for four hours. Would you like my advice?"

"Yes, please." requests the man.

The rabbi pauses then says, "Take the poison."

 ;D   ;D

I recently found out that 50% of all fatal accidents happens within 20 miles of home, so

Good idea LOL ;)

FARTING PROBLEMS
 
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't
bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent.
As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office.  You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says, "I see.  Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor." she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said.  "Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, lets work on your hearing."

 ;D ;D ;D

Blow It Up!




Three paratroopers are to throw a hand grenade from the plane, then jump. The first one goes and says, "This is for my country" and he throws the grenade out and jumps.
He lands and sees a little boy crying then asks, "What's the matter?"

The boy says, "My bike just blew up!"

The second paratrooper tosses his grenade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying.

She tells him, "My playhouse just blew up!"

The third paratrooper tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off.

"What so funny?" asks the paratrooper.

The Redneck replies, "I just farted and my house blew up

 ;D ;D

ewwwwwww  :-X

such a MANLY thread   ::)

Funeral Services are pending

The best part of the male vs. female jokes..... ;D

LOL ;)

Tip of the Day


" A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after > you've been fingerprinted. "
 
 -Martha Stewart
 

I was rather nervous about flying when I found out that the odds of someone bringing a bomb on a plane is about a million to one.  A little to likely for my tastes.

But then after some research I found out that the odds of two people smuggling two bombs onto the same plane is a hundred million to one.  

So I fly all the time now I just carry one bomb.

I love collecting these contradictions in terms, so if you have some add them to the following:

Military Intelligence

Postal Service

Emotionally Stable

Feminist Humor

Legal Ethics

 ;D  Internal Revenue Service

They are in our pockets helping us spend our money on things we don't know about or might not approve of.   ;D

   :-X

unsung hero
safe sex
ill health
gay marraige
clearly ambiguous
 

LIMO DRIVER


>After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he
>doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
>on
>the curb.
>
>"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your
>seat so we can leave?"
>
>"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at
>the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
>
>"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
>something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
>work that morning.
>
>"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
>
>Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
>wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
>airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
>
>"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
>Pope
>keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna
>lose my license," moans the driver.
>
>The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
>The
>cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
>radio.
>
>"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
>
>The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
>going a hundred and five.
>
>"So bust him," said the Chief.
>
>"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
>
>Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
>
>"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
>
>The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
>
>Cop: "Bigger."
>
>Chief: "Governor?"
>
>Cop: "Bigger."
>
>"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
>
>Cop: "I think it's God!"
>
>Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
>
>Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

My favorite all time! ...too lazy to look to see if this oldie but goodie is already on the board ...

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi
just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Vince."

"Who?"

"Vince Sabio. There's a guy who did everything right. Like
me coming along when you needed a cab. It would have
happened like that to Vince every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on
the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He
could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Vince."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow."

  ;D

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

 

WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
 
 

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9
mm bullet fired from my gun."



"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the ticket,
huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh .... did I mention that I
am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat
or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and
step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have
quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets
as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good
personal friend of yours. At least you know someone
who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."

 

WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
 
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."  I can't help but think of sincereheart on this one.

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."  Another one I can't help but think of sincereheart on this one.


I love these Brother Love especally the one I did in bold. Well I have done enought typing for tonight.

Two guys were  about how highly their wives
 thought of them.

The first guy said,"My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!"

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm
some kind of God!"

"She thinks you're a God? What makes you say that?"

"Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"

rofl  :-X

LOVE IT ROFLOL :)

Brother Love :)


<:)))><

 ::)  ::)  ::)  ::)  ::)
Soon as I quit laughing, I'm gonna be REALLY mad!  :P

ROFL! These are good!~

 :-X "Burnt" is such an ugly word. :-X Around here we just call it "blackened" and say it's Cajun food!  ;D

Oops, :eek:  ;) Slowly backing outta this thread, with hands raised, high in the air. ;D

Money




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy a house




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not a home




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy a clock

!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not time




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy you a position




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not respect




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy you a bed




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not sleep




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy you a book




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not knowledge




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy you medicine




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not health




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It can buy you blood




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




But not life




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




So you see money isn't everything




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




And it often causes pain and suffering




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




I tell you this because I am your friend




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




And as your friend I want to




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Take away your pain and suffering!!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




So Send me all your money




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




And I will suffer for you!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Cash only please
 ;D

Brother Love,  ::) ::) ::)
You are silly. ;D ;) ;D

Thats me, Silly Brother Love :)

...... for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content ... I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me " Phil. 4:11,13.

<:)))><

ROFL!  ;D


"I'm a nobody. And nobody's perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!"
 ;D

Amen!!

  30 Years difference

  1974:Long hair
  2004: Longing for hair

  1974: KEG
  2004: EKG

  1974: Acid rock
  2004: Acid reflux

  1974: Moving to California because it's cool
  2004: Moving to California because it's warm

  1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
  2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

  1974: Seeds and stems
  2004: Roughage

  1974: The Grateful Dead
  2004: Dr. Kevorkian

  1974: Going to a new, hip joint
  2004: Receiving a new hip joint

  1974: Rolling Stones
  2004: Kidney Stones

  1974: Being called into the principal's office
  2004: Calling the principal's office

  1974: Screw the system
  2004: Upgrade the system

  1974: Disco
  2004: Costco

  1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
  2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

  1974: Passing the drivers' test
  2004: Passing the vision test

  1974: Whatever
  2004: Depends

  Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

 The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985.


 They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

 Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

 Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

 The CD was introduced the year they were born.

 They have always had an answering machine.

 They have always had cable.

 They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

 Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

 Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

 They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

 They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

 They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

 They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

 They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

 McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

 They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

 Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

 Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

Mirror,Mirror


Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking ... surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this
short story.

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room
of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full
name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the
same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way
too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth,
I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he
replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1971.
Why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me
closely, and then he asked, "What did you teach?" ;D ;D ;D

 
 

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does, toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

 :)

<:)))><

A Pole goes to the ophthalmologist who shows him a card with the letters

'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z'.

"Can you read this?" he asks.

"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!" :)

 ;D

Do you want that super-sized?  ;D

The punch line on this is too good not to pass this one on....be sure to read it all!

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds. So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's, and Krispy Kreme.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
And Man said: "Yes!"
And Woman said: "I'll have one, too. with sprinkles."
And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

And God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal
fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"
And Satan said: " It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And Satan chuckled and created HMOs.  ;D

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.
 
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
 
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
 
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
 
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
 
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .....
 
"$&#$%%^&*............THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!" :)

A marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier." Seeing each other we both took cover.

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.



"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low life slug, and he yelled back: 'John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Bill and Hillary Clinton are miserable slime balls'. "



"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."
 :)

For all you Texans out there....

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the  pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Tulsa, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Brady, Texas, behold- he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a  minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"I love this part.............................

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas
now......It's a local call."

 American by Birth -
A Texan by the Grace of God. :)

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.  The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling,  and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give  him a ticket.  The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment  on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.  The Trooper told him that he  had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and  asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them  and  handed them to the juggler.  While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk good old boy, from S.C.,got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car,  opened the rear door and got in.  The Trooper observed him doing this and  went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.  The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail,  cause there's no way I can pass that test." :)

Blonde Humor ;D


 

Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.  He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.  The blonde looks at Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"

 

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump"

 

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

 

Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

 

Homer replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

 

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.
 ;D ;D ;D
 

The Cowboy Without A Horse

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately,
the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his
drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it
above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully.

No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside
by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to
have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had
another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of
the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Can I copy this Brother Love??

NO ;D




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You're BAD!  :P

Hey DW, I can send it to ya in an IM. I got it in an e-mail.  ;D

You better NOT


 ;D



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