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CHILDREN'S OBSERVATIONS ON LOVE  

CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE  

"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
Julio, age 9

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE  
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE  
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE  
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE  
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?  "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."
Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS  
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE  
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television."
Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, age 9
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree."
Carey, age 7
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
Regina, age 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER  
"Sensitivity don't hurt."
Robbie, age 8
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU  
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there."
Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
Bart, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?  "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
Bobby, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold ... Other people care more about the food."
Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
Sandra, age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire."
Christine, age 9

TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED  
"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
Arnold, age 10
"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
Larry, age 8
"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
Eddie, age 6"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.'"
Bob, age 9
"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'"
Will, age 7
"'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind.'"
Sharon, age 9

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"  "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
Dick, age 7

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?  
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
Gina, age 8

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS  
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
Julia, age 7
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
Brian, age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?  "When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it."
Tammy, age 10
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."
Roger, age 6
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE  
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
Dick, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."
Erin, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
Dave, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
Natalie, age 9

I'm with Greg on this one!    (http://i234.photobucket.com/albums/ee234/claudiadiaz5/baseball.jpg)

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their Students have written in papers. Here are a few examples.............

The future of "I give" is "I take."

The parts of speech are lungs and air.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."


My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied. "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That Pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"


The following statements about the bible were (supposedly) written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in):

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still & he obeyed him.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.


 Dear God,
please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.  Amanda

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

God,
I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

Dear God,
is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy

Dear God,
it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas

I absolutely loved "How can I love thee when you're always picking your nose?" That was hilarious. ;D :D

I agree with you Jon-Marc...that was a good one!

These are all incredably funny!  I just got up from my nap and had a great laugh!  Thanks guys!

Grandparents...
 
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)



Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.

 They like other people's.


 

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

 

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see

them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive

us to the shops and give us money.



When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and

caterpillars.


They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we

shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."


 

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.


They wear glasses and funny underwear.


They can take their teeth and gums out.


Grandparents don't have to be smart.


They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come

dogs chase cats?".


When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same

story over again.


Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have

television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.


They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with

us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. ''oh,'' he said, ''she lives at the

airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're done having

her visit, we take her back to the airport.''


Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don't

get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


This is the best one:

"It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."

That has never happened to me................... (http://smilies.zx6r.info/lachen/567.gif)

I don't have a dog....(http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h107/greenbentley/snickering7ng-1.gif)

The grandkids work for that also.   :D :D

Dear God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

Dear God,
How did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene

Dear God,
I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

Dear God,
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Dennis

Dear God,
It's O. K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?
Arnold

Dear God,
Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
In Bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

Dear God,
How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
Seymour

Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter

Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

Dear God,
If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Beth

Dear God,
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?
Donny

Dear God,
It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

Dear God,
I am doing the best I can. Really.
Frank

Dear God,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
Jane

Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Lucy

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Anita

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?
Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
What does it mean You are a jealous God? I thought You had everything.
Jane

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
Tom L.

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.
Raphael

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry

Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
Sam

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth M.

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
Mickey D.

Dear God,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

Dear God,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
Darla

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am.)

Dear God,
If we come back as something -- please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
Dean

Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
Rob

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
Marsha

Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah. "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
Eddie

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know, but I am not just saying that because You are God already.
Charles

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene

(http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc102/kiti_loves_you/cute.jpg)

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
A fibula is a small lie.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
A harp is a nude piano.
A liter is a nest of young puppies.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
A Maillard reaction is what you get when the dogs are let loose among the ducks in a marsh.
A major disease associated with cigarettes is premature death.
A molecule is so small that you can't see it. Fortunately most things are bigger.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
A planet is a body of earth surrounded by sky.
A seizure is a Roman emperor.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A terminal illness is when you are sick at the airport.
A turbine is something an Arab wears on his head.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
A yokel is the way people talk to each other in the Alps.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
According to Shakespeare, life is a tail told by an idiot full of sound and furry.
Acrimony is what a man gives his divorced wife.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

An appendix is something you find in the back of a book. But if it gets in people, it has to be taken out.
An organic compound is made with paper and scissors.
An optimist is a doctor who looks after your eyes. A pessimist is one who attends to your feet.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

Carbohydrate is the scientific term for spaghetti.
Carbon 14 is not black. That is why they make diamonds out of it.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches - who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
Clouds are high flying fogs. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Columbus was a great navigator who cursed about the Atlantic.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

Damp weather is very hard on the sciences.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself can't stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Soon, the constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
Doctors practice medicine until they finally get it right. Doctors say that fatal diseases are the worst.
During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

Each state is permitted to send two centaurs to Congress.
Electricity comes from rubbing things together just like fire. It is better than fire because it is brighter, warmer and travels through wires.

Filet mignon is an opera by Puccini.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a head cold, use an agonizer to spay your nose until it drops in your throat.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For drowning, climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.
For fainting, rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Homer wrote The Oddity.

Me too Frank, me too.

(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/mrsclaus1.jpg)

(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif)  I just couldn't quit laughing on this one!!

Yes.  Among many.


Mmmm....

This little guy didn't know how right he was!

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Ibid was a famous Latin poet.
If one angle of a triangle is more than 90 degrees, the triangle is obscene.
In 1937, Eugene O'Neill won a Pullet surprise.
In Christianity a man can only have one wife. This is called monotony.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is best not to cross horses in the middle of the stream.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
It is important to take mono sodium to mate.
It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

Joshua led the Hebrews to their victory in the battle of Geritol.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him, because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, "Tee hee, Brutus." (Or ... "Same to you, Brutus.")
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Magna Carta said that the King was not to order taxis without the consent of Parliament.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Many of the Indian heroes were killed, which proved fatal to them.
Martin Luther was nailed to a church door after selling the Pope's privileges. He did after he was communicated by a bull.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Momentum is what you give a person when they are going away.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments. Or, alternatively ...
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Newton invented gravity. That made many things possible for the first time. But it also meant that someone had to invent the pulley.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
On Washington's trip across the Delaware two men were frozen to death, but they reached the other side safely.
One byproduct of raising cattle is calves.
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
Pompeii was once completely buried in larva.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
Prose may be divided into two parts: friction and non-friction.

Queen Elizabeth rode through Coventry with nothing on and Raleigh offered her his cloak. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
Quinine is a valuable medicine that comes from barking trees.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
Rhubarb is a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Science means mixing different things together to make things.
Science means that things are not what they really are.
Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock, which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy, too.

Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Steroids are things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif)(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif)(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif)

Actually, I think that's the government.  :-\

I think that both may apply.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The author of Aesop's Fables was Aesophagus.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.
The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o and u.

The Caesarian section is a district in Rome.
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
The Crusaders were fighting so that the Pilgrims could go to the Holy land to find the Holy Grill. Most of them died from salvation.
The doctor had to abandon his code of ethnics.
The Earth needs the ozone layer to keep in the gravity.

Managerie Lion

The equator is a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The first law of Thermodynamics was signed by President Bush to prevent that kind of terrorism.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted in Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
The future of "I give" is "I take."

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that that, I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then, nobody ever found it. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we couldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
The king had a wonderful funeral. It took eight men to carry the beer.
The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.
The law of gravity says: No fair jumping up without coming back down.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
The most important inventions are the automobile, the cell phone, computers and iron.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The planets circle the sun because they are round.
The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
The sun is just a star. It is just bigger and more shiny than all the others.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There are four symptoms of a cold. Two I forgot, and the other two are too well known to mention.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
To germinate is to become a naturalized German.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Two shots rang out. Two of the servants fell dead, the other went through his hat.
Q: Use the word judicious in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious ... [they really meant, do dishes!] ... can be soft as your face.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
"Varicose" means nearby.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

When a boy reaches puberty, he says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. And just in case you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.

I always wondered what happened.   ;D

"BABY FAT?"

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
 
 "THE PERFECT PICTURE"

When you THINK you have a bad day, remember this one from a young mother. "I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. "Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and put them in cards and mailed them out to relatives. A few days later one of my relatives called commenting on my picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
 
 "MY FOOTSTEPS?"

An acquaintance of mine, who is a physician, told this story about her then four year old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
 
 "A WISE LITTLE GIRL"

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
 
 "TOO ROUGH"

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough. The little girl thought about it for a few moments, and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
 
 "THUMB SUCKING"

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery, to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon. "Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four year old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh...I know what you've been doing."
 

 ;D   ;D   ;D   THANKS! - I NEEDED THESE LAUGHS! I'll return the favor.

Where ya been all day?  Takin' an old man nap?  ;D ;D ;D

Sister Yvette,

I did manage to finally get some good rest. I don't want to complain, but I've been almost down with my back. I really need a back transplant. I either want one from a monkey so that I can swing through the trees or from a cheetah so I can run 60 mph when they get through.   ;D

P.S. I'm not very particular. I would go ahead and take the paws, fur, and all.


(Small Print: I like the color of this one.)   ;D

Have I done this particular set before?  Well just in case.....

Kids Say the Darnedest Things, T-Z

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The author of Aesop's Fables was Aesophagus.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.
The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o and u.

The Caesarian section is a district in Rome.
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
The Crusaders were fighting so that the Pilgrims could go to the Holy land to find the Holy Grill. Most of them died from salvation.
The doctor had to abandon his code of ethnics.
The Earth needs the ozone layer to keep in the gravity.

Managerie Lion

The equator is a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The first law of Thermodynamics was signed by President Bush to prevent that kind of terrorism.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted in Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
The future of "I give" is "I take."

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that that, I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then, nobody ever found it. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we couldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
The king had a wonderful funeral. It took eight men to carry the beer.
The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.
The law of gravity says: No fair jumping up without coming back down.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
The most important inventions are the automobile, the cell phone, computers and iron.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The planets circle the sun because they are round.
The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
The sun is just a star. It is just bigger and more shiny than all the others.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There are four symptoms of a cold. Two I forgot, and the other two are too well known to mention.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
To germinate is to become a naturalized German.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Two shots rang out. Two of the servants fell dead, the other went through his hat.
Q: Use the word judicious in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious ... [they really meant, do dishes!] ... can be soft as your face.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
"Varicose" means nearby.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

When a boy reaches puberty, he says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. And just in case you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.
Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D

It all sounds quite logical and TRUE.

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. 
The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. 

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" 

"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night." 

"How about transportation?" the father asked. 

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. 

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. 

Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know." 

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the
 watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times
 before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little
 one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"


 My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
 Birthday. He asked me how old I was, a nd I told him, "62." He was quiet
 for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


 After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
 changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her
 hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
 patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and
 stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
 As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
 voice, "Who was THAT?"


 A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her
 own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a
 swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode
 our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was
 wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten
 to know you sooner!"

                          (http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/mrsclaus1.jpg)