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Some friends were hoping their second child would be a girl, and they even had a name picked out. The ultrasound didn't reveal the baby's sex, though, and since the expectant father had orders from the Navy to ship out before the due date, he told his wife, "We'd better pick out a boy's name, just in case." But when it was time for him to report for duty, they still hadn't decided. At sea a few weeks later, he got notification that his son, Justin Kase, had been born.

-- Rich Elkins

The military is a stickler for rules, and when it comes to off-base medical treatment, the rules are that many procedures need to be preauthorized. So when we were expecting our first child, my husband and I did things by the book. After our son was born on September 22, the insurance statement showed that the obstetrician was not paid the full contracted amount. So I called our insurer's representative.

"The problem is, your son was born early," she said, looking through my files. "And the Air Force hadn't authorized him to arrive for another two weeks."

-- Amy Amsden

That sounds just about the way it is, too.

Our sergeant major was dimmer than a dying lightning bug. One day, I found a set of dog tags with his name on them in the shower. So, of course, I returned them. "Wow!" he said. "How'd you know they were mine?"

-- Jose Rodriguez

After joining the Navy, my husband underwent a physical. During the exam, it was discovered that, due to a bum shoulder, he couldn't fully extend his arms above his head. Perplexed, the doctor conferred with another physician. "Let him pass," said the second doctor. "I don't see any problems unless he has to surrender."

-- Betty Lee       

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After drilling his platoon in the hot sun, the sergeant barked out a final order: "All right, you idiots, fall out!" The men dispersed, but one rookie stood firm.

The sergeant stared as the rookie smiled and said, "There sure were a lot of them, weren't there, Sergeant?


During reservists' training, my commanding officer was briefing his colleagues on the battalion's mission. While he was highlighting the key objectives of our task -- serious business, aimed at motivating the troops -- he was suddenly interrupted by a ringing cell phone. The tune? "Mission Impossible."


When my Navy Medical Reserve Unit was called up for Operation Desert Storm, I was awakened by a phone call at three o'clock on a Sunday morning with the order to report for duty in four hours for processing. After I hung up the phone, my husband groggily asked, "Who was that?"

"Oh, honey," I moaned, thinking of our 15-month-old child, "I have to go to war!"

"Don't worry," he said as he rolled over, "It's Sunday, and the traffic won't be bad."


A sergeant in my Army bomb-clearing detail was asked to conduct a class for a group of visiting officers. Needing a prop to demonstrate, the sergeant retrieved a live bomb from the impact area. One class member, a second lieutenant, seemed nervous about a live bomb being used for the demo. He kept interrupting the class with, "Sergeant, I know you've done this before, but are you sure that you're doing it right?"

After the fourth interruption, a voice called from the back of the room, "Lieutenant, I guarantee that in all your military career, you'll never meet anyone who's done this before and done it wrong!"



As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. Then I lost control."

My neighbor, Terry, a former high-school halfback, came home from combat duty in Afghanistan. He was excited to tell me that his unit had played a makeshift game of football. "Just don't tell my mom," he begged. "If she knew I was playing football she'd worry that I might reinjure my knee."

From Reader's Digest:

I was stationed on a Navy ship in the Mediterranean, and the 18-20 hour workdays passed very slowly.  My wife, a psychologist, decided to send me a relaxation tape to ease the stress of sea duty.  Its title: Sounds of the Ocean.

A Navy man gave his son the birds-and-the-bees talk before leaving for his first deployment, but he later realized the boy hadn't fully understood.  Three months into his tour of duty, the lieutenant received a letter that asked, "Will you come home if Mommy gets pregnant?"

When I wear my Air Force uniform, strangers often come up to me to thank me for my service to the country.
Once I was in the parking lot of a county jail, waiting to take custody of a military inmate.  A prisoner walked by, carrying a bag of garbage to the Dumpster, escorted by a corrections officer.
as he passed me, the inmate turned and - quite sincerely - said, "Thank yo for my freedom!" before being taken back inside.

The new ensign was trying to impress everybody with what he'd learned in Submarine School when the master chief cut him off.  "Listen, sir, it's simple," he said.  "Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface.  Divide by two.  If it doesn't come out even don't open the hatch."

A true story.

 ;) :D

What do you mean PR?

Just that ... it is a true story. It actually happened.

Oh, silly goose.  I knew it was a true story.  I thought maybe it had been someone you knew!   ;D

A lot of these jokes are not real stories. But yes, it did happen to someone I knew at one time.

Oh!  That is too funny!

That poor guy suffered humiliation from that for a long time.

 :D :D

I'll bet he did!  Poor guy!

ROFL  yeah we would have never let anyone live that down either.
Would have been better to send a blank tape...nothing like a little silence after being on a ship for 6 months.

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really bothers Fred so he asks him, "What's wrong with you?"

The reply is, "I got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty disturbing so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.

So Fred asks him, "What is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "I got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war?"

His reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand."




Actual Radio Conversation
This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
 
 

 

Old Marine

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

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THANKS GUYS, FOR ALL YOU DO!  WE'RE THINKIN' ABOUT YA!

 ;D  The eggs in the shovels look pretty good.