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If I am elected president

by Chuck Norris

I was wondering the other day, if I ran for president, what would be my campaign promises?

I made a list I'm certain can get me elected.

If I'm elected president, I will…

Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day – or else they can't vote on anything.

Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office (why would I need them?).

Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).

Give a presidential pardon to … no one, ever. Baretta was right in the '70s, "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. Don't do it!"

Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes). "American Idol" already told me they will provide the entertainment.

Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden).

Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.

Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.

Give a tax credit to anyone naming their children Walker or Texas Ranger (excluding Will Farrell).

Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for "martial arts negotiations."

Hang Saddam Hussein (Whoops – scratch that – already did it undercover).

Convey my plan for world peace to the United Nations: taking the governor of California with me on our "kick butt and ask questions later" USO world tour.

Give every new military enlistee abroad a copy of my upcoming new book, "The Threat of Justice," with the words, "Arnold and I will be back to pump you up!" above my autograph.

Bring on Donald Trump as my apprentice. When my presidential term is complete and he has obtained his black belt, or whichever comes first, he can buy the White House and of course rename it (to, what else, "The Trump House").

Create new immigration legislation: to deport all liberals (then force them to listen to Bill O' Reilly every day for five years, at which point they may return).

Ask producer Mark Barnett to film "Survivor – Camp David," where world leaders will meet annually, for an all-out cage-fighting championship. The winner will take home $1,000,000 in Disney Dollars, good in Europe or America.

Send an autographed photo of me and my horse (no dogs in my White House) to everyone who commits to read my new WorldNetDaily "presidential column" and blast a blog who dares to disagree with me.

Complete the plan to bring Tony Blair to the U.S. as my vice president.

Expose the real WMDs – my fists and feet.

Replace Letterman, Leno or Conan once monthly, since stand-up comedy is what most governmental officials do anyway.

Ask Al Gore to provide me with a special governmental study on the connection between spotted owl extinction and global warming. (I'm pretty sure Michael Moore will film the docudrama).

Help Rosie transition from "The View" to the pew – it might help her get over that anger problem. If the pew doesn't work, she can spar Trump in the Rose Garden.

First and foremost, however, my greatest priorities will be to …

Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and round-house kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues.

Make all Chuck Norris facts come true (well, not quite all of them – I'm a happily, married man!)

Looking over my campaign promises, I'm sure my liberal friends are even now rejoicing that I'm not really running for president. However, my hope is still out that Newt will jump into the race!

Cute!  (http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb87/mom2bran/tfraa_107.gif)

He does have a good sense of humor.

 ;D    ;D

His platform actually makes more sense than much of what I've heard so far.

BUT, platforms don't make any difference if they are nothing but lies. Currently, we would be better off without a platform at all and simply letting Barnum Bailey Circus run the entire government. After all, they would be much more truthful and serious than what we've had.

YES, you guessed it - the current Ringmaster would be the President - bull-whip and all. The bearded lady would be the First Lady. Jugglers would be members of the cabinet and clowns would serve in the Senate. Midgets would serve in the House and animal trainers would serve as foreign Ambassadors. Anyone who lied or cheated in office would be eaten by lions, tigers, and bears.

The more I think about the Circus running the entire government - the more sense it makes. They couldn't miss in doing a better job on day one.

(http://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gif)

I thought we had a circus already running the government. It's the kind of circus that is seen mostly in nightmares.

 ;D

Brother, I've thought about this some more. It's sad, but I think that the CIRCUS is a seriously good idea.    ;D

I wonder if there already is a Circus Party? If not maybe we could start one?

I think anything would probably be better than what we currently have.  Bring on the Circus Party!  (http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb87/mom2bran/thclownsshortofacircus.jpg)

ROFL

 ;D  I don't know - we might have more clowns than you think.



   

That is tooo cute!  (http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb87/mom2bran/Clapping3.gif)