ChristiansUnite Forums

Good News & Bad News:

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Exhaust:

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed
sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

Thoughts:

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "GoodLord, it's morning."

No Parking:

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

The Bible:

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay", said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

Old Family Bible:

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

Church Repairs:

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

LOL... These are great...

loe & light

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?" - - - - author unknown ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to 4JC,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks, I needed that laugh.

In Christ,
Tom

Kids In Church:

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

Coming Home From Church:

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

The First Pancake:

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Saying The Blessing:

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Adam & Eve had the perfect marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked!  :)

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today." He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you do it again." ;)

 ;D   ;D  Good one 4JC
---------------------

Letters to God From Children - Real?

Dear God
In Sunday school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation?
-Jane

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident.
-Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don't you just keep the ones you got now?
-Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

Dear God,
Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce

Dear God,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry

Dear God,I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan

Dear God,
Of all the people who work for you I like Peter and John the best.
-Rob

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.
-Marsha

Dear God,
If you watch in church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
-Mickey D.

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.
-Eugene

LOL Good ones BEP


A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
       
      One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
       
      The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
       
      Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"  

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."
       
      The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

While burglarizing someone's house, a thief hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you". Suprised, the thief shines his flashlight frantically in search of the source of the voice. Finally, his light falls on a parrot and the parrot repeats, "Jesus is watching you". He asks, "What is your name?" and the parrot replies, "Moses". "What kind of family would name a parrot Moses?" he asks. The parrot replies, "The same kind that would name a rottweiler Jesus."  ;D ;D ;D

 
God bless

4JC

Funny story, and true. I think you guys will enjoy it. The former Pastor of my church was telling a story today. Now, this man is Southern Baptist all the way. He is a huge man, played pro football, was an MP in the army, deep, booming voice, etc. What you think of when you think good ol' boy Texan.

Anyways, him and his wife where in S. Korea a bit ago. They begin praying at the same time for something. He, being the Baptist he is, as rather disturbed. he turned to his wife and said “Honey, they are praying in tongues!” And with his voice as deep and naturally loud as it is, everyone around heard him. His wife was rather embarrassed by this. She nudged him back “No, honey” she said in an annoyed voice “they are praying in Korean”

You might be a Redneck if....

Tibby, lol That's funny, I saw Jeff Foxworthy live. It was a fun night. Lots of laughs.

You might be a Redneck if....

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You own a homemade fur coat.

God bless
4JC

Oklahoma Howdy to 4JC and Tibby,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks, I needed those laughs.

In Christ,
Tom

Diet And Health:

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "This is Heaven."

Next they surveyed the championship golf course behind the home. They would have golfing privileges every day, and every week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with cuisines of the world. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's free!," Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter explained, "That's the best part--you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!" With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and the man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

LOL Hmmm...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales and how she had heard in Sunday School about how a whale had swallowed Jonah.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl remained steadfast in her position and reiterated that indeed, a whale had swallowed Jonah.
Irritated, the teacher again stated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "I'm not sure how it happened, but when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher replied smugly, "What if Jonah isn't in heaven?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

 :D  LOL!!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

 ;D ;D ;D  

Pilate said to Joseph of Arimathaea, "Why do you want to give up your new tomb for this criminal called Jesus?" Joseph replied, "It's only for the weekend."
==========================
Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion. The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he could not bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with God," the man explained.
"That's unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?" The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion. St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring pavement?" ;D

God bless
4JC

After God made man He rested, then He made Eve and we have not had any peace since.

After God made man, God said , I can do better than that , and then  He made eve.


I heard a true one tonight, but I wont tell you the names because you will know them ,and it could be embarrassing.

A certain football coach asked a player to pray for the team, the player didnt know what to pray, the coach said just pray, so He proceeded  "our father in heaven as I lay me down to sleep I pray my soul for thy to keep....

 ;D ;D ;D

ROFLOL, now that is a good one :) :) :)

Brother Love :)

 ;D   ;D  I see that I need better material. I'll work on it.

In Christ,
Tom

There once was an Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fainted to the floor.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Signed, Your eternally loving husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.  However, the boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest stepped across the street, walked up behind the little fellow, and placed his hand gently on the child's shoulder.  Looking kindly at the young boy, the priest leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, young man?"
The boy replied, "Now we run!"  ;D

God bless
4JC

Oklahoma Howdy to 4JC,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks, I needed those laughs.

In Christ,
Tom

hehe :)

Good one

Brother Love :)

Soap and Water:

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

The Nursery:

There once was a Church Nursery that felt it was still more economical to use cloth diapers over disposable. The problem soon arose however, that they had trouble getting people to remember to return the laundered diapers and even more trouble getting them to return the plastic pants that went around them, so they ordered a stamp with the Church name on it. They figured no one would want to be seen using plastic pants with the Church name plastered on them.

When the new stamp arrived, the Nursery Director asked the church Secretary if she would please stamp the new plastic pants. The Secretary was doing the bookkeeping that same day, and accidentally picked up the wrong stamp. The next Sunday, the Nursery Volunteers pulled out the new pants to find "FOR DEPOSIT ONLY" stamped on them!

LOL  ;D :D ;D :D  That's a good one!   Thanks BEP LOL

4JC ROFLOL :) :) :) :) :) :)

Brother Love :)

Oh Boy :)

Brother Love :)

There was a feud between the Pastor and Choir Director of a Hicksville
Church.  It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on
"dedicating yourselves to service" and the Choir Director chose to sing "I Shall Not
Be Moved."

Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incidence behind
him.  The next Sunday he preached on "giving".  Afterwards, the choir squirmed
as the director led them in the hymn "Jesus Paid It All".

By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper.  Sunday morning attendance
swelled as the tension between the two built.  A large crowd showed up the next
week to hear his sermon on "the sin of gossiping".  Would you believe the
Choir Director selected "I Love To Tell the Story".

There was no turning back.  The following Sunday the Pastor told his
congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation.  The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in "Why Not Tonight".

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later
explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.  The Choir Director could not resist:  "What A Friend We Have in Jesus".

 ;D   ;D  Good one Brother Forrest.

In Christ,
Tom

Christmas Stamps

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

An Irish priest was sent to pastor a church in England. I like most Irish, he wasn’t a fan of the brits. So, his sermons became increasingly more anti-British. The deacons took notice. So, a week before Easter, his deacons went to the Bishop and told him about the trouble. So, that Saturday, the Bishop called the priest into his office, and told him to stop with the anti-births stuff. Next Sunday, he begin to tell the tale of the last supper. He got to the point where the disciples asked Jesus if they where the one to betray him.

“And Peter turn to the lord and said ‘Tis not I, tis it, lord?’

“Jesus replied ‘No Peter, tis not you’

“And John turn to the lord and said ‘Tis not I, tis it, lord?’

“Jesus replied ‘No John, tis not you’

“And then Judes turn the Jesus, and said ‘Not me, is it Mate?’”


;D lol, it sound better in person.  

Died In The Service:

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?" - - - - author unknown

A TEST OF FAITH:

I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grand fatherly gentleman who had that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.

The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind so much being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."

The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?" "Yes I do," she replied. "Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," he said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt' "!

Offering:

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

Love it, why do I think of Benny Hinn and the white cane :)

Brother Love :)

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Love,

I've heard some outrageous stories about Benny, and the sad thing is that many of them are true. He takes money from the elderly, poor, sick, and many terminal patients and calls it another good day. Some of his victims went to my church, but they are home with our Lord and Saviour.

Love In Christ,
Tom

(http://www.angelfire.com/falcon/joysong/rofl.gif)

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

    "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life."

    The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"

    A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and
on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we
give him the money now, will he let us go?"

 Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."

    The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on
a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

    The third boy says , "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't
want them to take me out when I'm dead.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"

    He said, "Call for backup."

Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

    Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

    A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us
how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

    Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

    At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week
his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
"Johnny, what is the matter?"

    Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going
to have a wife."

"WHO AM I " AWESOME





While praying one day a woman asked, "Who are you, God?" He answered, "I AM." "But, who is I AM?" she said.

And He replied.

"I Am Love,

I AM Peace

I AM Grace,

I AM Joy

I Am the Way, Truth, and the Light,

I AM the Comforter

I AM Strength,

I AM Safety

I AM Shelter,

I AM Power

I Am the Creator,

I AM the Beginning and the End

I AM the Most High."

The girl, with tears in her eyes looked toward Heaven and said,
"Now I understand. But, Lord, who am I?"

Then God tenderly wiped the tears from her eyes and whispered,
"YOU are MINE!"

Fishing Story

Two men went fishing. One was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn't. Every time the
experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back.
The experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing the man waste good fish. "Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?" he asked. The inexperienced fisherman replied, "I only have a small frying pan."

Sometimes, like that fisherman, we throwback the big plans, big dreams, big jobs, big opportunities that God gives us. Our faith is too small.

We laugh at that fisherman who didn't figure out that all he needed was a bigger frying pan, yet how ready are we to increase the size of our faith?

Whether it's a problem or a possibility, God will never give you anything bigger than you can handle.

That means we can confidently walk into anything God brings our way.

You can do all things through Christ (Philippians 4: 13. ) Nothing is too big for God. REMEMBER:

Stop telling God you've got big problems.

Tell your problems you've got a BIG GOD!

Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

THANKS BROTHER! I'll be sharing these with my mother in a few hours. She will love all of them.

In Christ,
Tom

Singing Practice:

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

SINGING IN CHURCH

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach.  Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out "CROSS.."  Immediately the congregation started
singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING
GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE
BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell in total silence.  Everyone was
in shock.  They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to
say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87
year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

                                ;D

Home Improvements in Hell



An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements.
After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer  was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered,



"Yeah, right.





And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Right On!  :)

Brother Love :)

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It isn't the jeans that make your behind look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 ;D ;D ;D

Shirley Goodnest:

Timmy was a five-year-old boy.  His mother loved him very much.  A worrier, she was concerned when he started kindergarten about his walking to school. She walked him to school for a couple of days, but one day he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day.  He wanted to be like the "big boys."
 
She had an idea how to handle it.  She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, to follow her son surreptitiously to school, at a distance that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
 
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well.
 
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl Marcy set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with another boy.  She did this for the whole week.
 
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend noticed that a lady was following them every day all week. Finally, he asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us?  Do you know her?"
 
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
 
"Well, who is she?"
 
"That's Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.
 
"Shirley Goodnest?  Who the heck is she, and why is she following us?"
 
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm 'cuz she worries about me so much.  "And the psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
 

Reverend Author.....

The Pastor was very well known and a popular guest speaker
at religious conventions. But he had a habit of always talking
about the book he had written, sometimes going so far as to
read it aloud from the pulpit. But because he drew in such large crowds he was asked to speak at the next convention and give the opening prayer on the condition that he would say nothing about his book.

The day arrives and the pastor steps up to the pulpit and asks for everyone to stand and bow their heads for the opening prayer. He begins to speak, "Our Father who are in Heaven and who also once wrote a book....."
 :-X

(It's an old one, but I still like it.)

Everybody Knows Bubba:

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I
was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." Off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, " Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?

Little Johnny:

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

In God's Army:

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

So the Pastor questioned, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

What's in Your Mail?

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out.

So he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he
went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, you didn't get one either?!!!

Dads:

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A Death in the Family:

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

Southern Nativity Scene:

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.


Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"


I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.


She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar."

God, Are You Listening?

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen.

So he asked, "God, are you listening?"

And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."

The man stopped and pondered some more.

He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"

God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."

So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...

Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"

And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."

The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replied, "In a second."

Suspicious Women:

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Ha-ha-ha  - -  You're killin' me here, brother - you're killin' me!!!!   :D :D