ChristiansUnite Forums

How many women on this forum are stay at home wives? I am & we don't have any children. Sometimes I don't feel I'm doing enough for us. I'm disabled because of a wreck(headinjury) & can't work. Am I the only one who feels this way?
My husband was layed off right before Christmas. Right now it's a struggle for us but family are doing all they can to help. I KNOW the Lord has something better for my husband to do than what he was doing. All I can do for us is pray & trust the Lord that He has everything in His control in His time, not ours. I try not to worry about making ends meet because I know He'll provide for us. I'm still human though & still have some that worry nature in me.
I reckon I just want to know if I'm alone in this feeling of not doing enough.
(ha,ha)Pardon my accent, I'm from the South.

I know the feeling.  I am a stay at home mom with three children, and I feel as though I am not contributing.  Even though I go to college and all I still feel I am not very useful.  I have to start work now, and since I have not worked since my oldest child was an infant, no one seems to want to hire me.  I guess all they see is that big gap in my employment.  My children are happy and well adjusted, so I think about that and it helps me realize that what I gave up was not as important as the children I took care of.

Hi BJ, Welcome to CU, it's great to have you. Bj, I to am a stay at home wife. I worked up until 8 years ago when I ended up in a wheelchair due to several medical challenges one of them being a very rare neurological illness (only 1 on a million worldwide have been know to have it) and another also rare, but not as rare as the first Myasthenea Gravis, I also suffer from DVT, and many other health problems. so at the age of 50 I was totally dependent on my husband for everything, then to my surprise my husband was given total custody of his 2 daughters they were both 7 when I got them. They are 11 months apart.
Due to all my illnesess and as a result of the MG I started to have vision problems, I started to see double and am slowly losing my eyesight, I am worse than legally blind,I have prisims in my trifocals and cataracts. As far as the Neurologist and all my other doctors are concerned the illnesses I have have no cure and they are progressive. Thru much prayer and treatments I slowly managed to start walking again and even though sometimes I still have to use a walker or a cane I am thankful to God that I can walk. On top of all that I have also developed osteo-arthritis, Rheumatoid arthritis, and diabetes, along with some other health issues. Yet, I don't feel guilty at all.
My daughters are now 14 and 15, I had already raised 4 children of my own who were already grown and had moved away from home and started families of their own, I even had grandchildren older than the 2 I am now raising. they have been a blessing to me in many ways and I know I have been a blessing to them as well.

My husband too lost his job on November the 1st. Thank God that he was only unemployed for a month and stated working at another place making even more money than the first. God answered my prayers.
The reason I don't feel guilty is because I do my housework, even if I have to take 20 breaks during the day and sometimes I don't get to finish it all. I also have more time to pray for my husband, and for our children. God still has a purpose for me and I feel that I can accomplish that purpose no matter what situation I am in.
God was our provider for that month that my husband was out of work. I used to feel guilty, but I realize that I am more of a help to my husband as a stay at home wife than if I were to try to work. I take 17 different prescription medications and believe it or not I got a statement from my pharmacy letting me know how much of my medicines were paid for by my husband's insurance and how much was paid for by medicare and how much we paid in co-payments. To my  surprise the total amount of medications I took in the year 2006 was $11,535.31, that's almost half of what I get for disability, and that's not counting all the copays for all the doctors and labs I have to get each month. How do we do it?? I only have one answer.
GOD

So don't feel guilty my sister, just thank God that He has a purpose for you and He is your provider.

I am now 58 years old and I try to help my husband make ends meet by making sure that we stick to a budget, that I keep our utility bills as low as possible and I also try to earn a little extra money at home by doing other things.  :D :D :D :D

God is good and he has never let me down.

I know this is the women's forum and directed at women but I felt it might help to have a man's perspective (at least this one man). First I want to say that I am not against women working. I also want to say that I appreciate my stay at home wife. She has been a wonderful mother to our three children and I appreciate very much what she has sacrificed for our children and for me as well. There are many worldly possessions that we could have had if she had worked but we have enjoyed so much more important things with her being a stay at home wife and mother. I would not have it any other way than what it has been.

There has been many times that I have been in a position where no paycheck was coming in. She was still there in support of me through it all doing all she could to help me. That has been the most important thing to me ... that she has been there for me and our children at all times. The rewards for that have been greater than any amount of income.

Amen PR, I know that my husband feels a lot better with me staying at home than for me to try to work only for him to have to pick me up from my job and take me to the doctor. The last job I had, I was wheeled out in and office chair straight to my husband;s car and then taken right to the hospital. My husband really appreciates me being home, he is a much happier person knowing he can come home to a nice queit peaceful, clean home and dinner waiting for him. Sometimes if I am too sick to fix dinner he has no problem coming home and cooking. I also get a lot of help from my daughters.

Hello BJ, I to am a stay at home wife and mother of 2 boys (14 & 7 this year) I used to work, but I to am no longer working due to health issues, I have Fibromyalgia (severe) and CFSyndrome.. and countless other health issues, and there are many times where I feel like im failing my family and husband cause I'm not out there bringing in income, I also cant always do the housework, and at times need to hire a friend or family member to help me, And at times like right now, with my husband having had a major accident and wont be able to work at his job (we own our own buisness (hardwood flooring and ceramic flooring --more info on us and the accident under prayer req..husband-major accident..), anyways, we are loosing so much income right now,and worried about loosing contractors due to Him not being able to work etc, I really feel like im failing him and family cause I cant go out to get work, to help with income (still awaiting insurance to kick in happened Jan 5th/07, But i do my best to be as good a wife, mother, (my parents are living with us right now as my father had cancer and is recouperating, they are pastors awaiting a new church to pastor) so as good a daughter as I can be, and help by stretching the $ far as can etc..so I know how your feeling, and you other stay at home moms/wives,
Thanks for your input and saying what u did P-Roger, it helps to know the male opinion..
We have to give our feelings of failure, frustration etc over to God and allow Him to show us what we can do to help the family, hubbies etc, and Do our best to be the best we can!
Hugs to ya'll
TL

Tigerlily, so many f us here at the forum are physically disabled, but thank God we have a God that can work miracles. He cares for us in ways we can't even imagine. We may be disabled, but we are NOT unable. We can pray for our husbands, our finances, our health and the health of our loved ones, and we can give moral support to our husbands. Men need their wives most when they feel like they are not able to provide everything they think their family wants.
I learned that when my husband was out of a job, his biggest moral support was me, he has told me countless times that if it had not been for my positive attitude, and my continuing to build him up he would have thrown in the towel. Wives please understand that husbands want their wives to be by their side no matter what situations might come against them. Husbands don't necessarily want their wives to work outside the home, as I have learned, my husband much rather let me stay home and take care of myself and the girls than to go out and work. Even if it means that he may need to take on an additional job.

I know God has a purpose for me and I am willing to do whatever it is He wants me to do. Just because we are stay at home wives or moms does not mean that our husbands think less of us and we have no reason to feel guilty.

hi, this is gina

i am a stay at home mom too.  and no i don't have any disabilities but am raising a vision impaired son who has a learning disability too.  i also have two other children.  my son is 18 and my other two a daughter who is 17 and another son who is 13.  my husband wanted me to work outside the home and i didn't want to but did have a couple of jobs outside the home and was not impressed.  i went to work when my youngest son was 5, and had to leave it because i worked afternoons and evenings and my husband only worked evenings and i couldn't find a reliable sitter.  then a couple years later i went to work in an office and worked while the kids were in school.  but then my job schedule was changed to 8-4 and my youngest son was home from school at 2:30 pm.  and my daughter was 13 at the time and was home from school at 3pm so, i would be on the phone with him until she got home, however there were times that she wouldn't come straight home and he would be by himself.  and i didn't get any help from my husband with her.  i asked him to talk to her, and he said he knew she didn't want to do it, and it wasn't her responsibility to do it.  but i said but you wanted me to work, so how did that work.  it ended up that my job went to a student.  and the money that i made for the 9 months that i worked, was not much i felt like i wasn't helping out at all.  but he said i was. 
 
now i babysit in my own home, i look after all together about 7 kids from the ages of 11mths - 6 years, i don't babysit them altogether they are all part-timers.  i enjoy being at home and being there for my kids.  i enjoy looking after children, other people think that i have it easy, that i get to be home all the time, that all the house work and laundry get done all the time.  but it doesn't there are days that i dont get to vaccuum, or even sweep the kitchen floor.  there are days that i take the kids and go to the neighborhood park.  so things don't get done big deal, do what you can. and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it, both physical and spiritual help is there if you just ask for it. 

some of you know my whole story, i am separated from my husband at the moment, so i am making ends meet by the babysitting, even though others have told me to go out and get a real job, but there are not that many people that can do my job, i have a real job that i love doing.  so if you can stay at home, then do it.  those of you with children you will notice a difference in your kids, and those of you without kids you still play an active role in life.  you can become pray warriors, you can volunteer to do for others if you can, you can be active in your church.  don't think your life doesn't matter. 

in christ's abiding love,
gina

Hi Gina, welcome back, it's great to see you  :D

Gina, the job you have is a REAL job, not many people have the ability of looking after so many children and loving them as if they were your very own. It takes a very special kind of person to do that. Don't let anyone tell you to go out and get a real job, after all if it wasn't for loving caregivers like yourself how many moms would be able to go out and work outside the home?

I really have to hand it to you Gina you are very special to be able to do this kind of work.

thanks for saying what i do is a real job, i enjoy it so much.  my own children some times feel i think that i have more time for other peoples children then i do for my own. 

the other day i was disappointed in my children, we had a dear older lady who went home to be with the Lord, and our church held the funeral and small reception afterwards.  i left my house at about 8:30 in the morning and didn't get home until about 3 in the afternoon.  when i left that morning there were some dishes in the sink that i had left from the night before.  now i don't require my kids to do alot of chores around the house, throught the week they do the dishes and i do them on the weekend, however, i had been doing them that week.  and when i came home that saturday i came home to a pile of dishes in the sink and empty chip bags on the table, and empty wrappers in the living room. i looked at the mess and went to bed for an hour.  i got up and started the dishes and was just so disgusted with them.  i was upset and my husband saw it and asked what was wrong i told him i was upset with the kids and he said don't you do the dishes on the weekend and i said yes, but i had been doing them all week. 

i said  to him i didn't say anything to the kids because it wasn't worth it and i don't
get support from you about this, and that is when he said maybe they figure that you look after other peoples kids, why can't you look after them, and i said i look after my kids.  and he said you have to realize they are kids to.  they are not kids per say they are 13, 17 and 18.  so i have a question for all of you, how would you have handled the situation.

god bless
gina

Hi Gina,

It is our place as parents to teach our children to be responsible for themselves. We need to prepare them for being on their own and doing for themselves. I would have told them that they are all old enough to have responsibilities. This is their home also and therefore they are also responsible for helping to keep things done. I would have though let them know in advance that since I had done the dishes all week that it was time for them to do them now on the week end.

I would also explain to them that the children you watch are so that they may have some of the nicer things in life. That this is not the home of the others you watch but theirs. I also would set up a schedule, written or not, for your own children to do and then try to stick with it. When it is not possible to stick with it then it is necessary to tell them the change.

There are so many children that are going out on their own today that do not know how to keep house, to clean, to cook ... the simple things that they take for granted that Mom does for them every day. Their doing chores is all a part of their education and I personally think that it should start when they are young. Naturally the younger they are the less they have to do. (i.e. A young child of 3 to 5 is taught to pick up their toys as soon as they are finished playing with them before they go out or go to bed. Am older child say of 8 learns to make their own bed and keep their own room clean. Pre-teens and teenagers need to learn to do the cooking and help clean the entire house.)

Sister Gina, ((hugs))

I have 2 teenagers at home they are my step-daughters, but I've had full custody of them for 8 years, they are 14 & 15. From the very first day they came to live with me I gave them chores. The chores were simple clean their own room, they had never been trained to do much and had a very hard life before I got them, they were bounced around from an abusive mother to foster homes, and to their aunt's home who was not a good example, and back to foster care. It took me a long while to teach them to be responsible and to do their chores, then I had to teach them how to be responsible for their actions. I had a very hard time, the younger one was still even wetting her bed, THANK GOD FOR PATIENCE. within 3 months she stopped wetting her bed, this may sound cruel, but I used to make her wash her sheets, and clean her plastic cover on her bed, I made her do it all by herself. She thought I was being a mean step-mother.

As they grew older I added more responsibilities, today they not only clean their own room, but their bathroom, they wash the dishes everyday including weekends, they even offer to help me cook.

How did this happen? LOVE and PATIENCE. And of course reprimand, and punishment when needed. I never have spanked them, but I do take away some of their privileges even today if they do not complete their chores. They also get more freedom such as go to the movies, the mall, spend nights at their friends homes (with our approval after meeting with the parents).

Recently, I had a falling out with my youngest biological daughter, she is 25 and has 4 children, she left her husband and moved in with me children and all. Times were hard for all of us. I had to prepare the girls whom I now consider my own children, and let them know that I still expected them to take care of their responsibilities. 

My own daughter was not taking care of her responsibilities, so I just told my 2 teens that I would also help as much as I could, ( I am disabled) I was broken hearted when my own biological daughter got so angry with me and left my house in a rage after saying a few choice words to me. It's been 2 months and she has not spoken to me at all. YES I AM BROKEN HEARTED, but I have given it to God.

Sunday at church our pastor made an alter call to pray for those who were broken hearted, my husband urged me to answer the call. When I returned to my seat, my youngest teen left her seat and came and sat next to me and hugged me and kissed me and cried in my arms, that is when I realized that I have done a good job with my stepdaughters, who are mine ... they call me mom.. they tell me how much they love me..the youngest one is my mama's girl , she calls me from school everyday just to check up on me sometimes she calls me up to 3 times a day.

How did all this happen?? I told them I NEED THEM, I NEED THEM AS MUCH AS THEY NEED ME, I NEED THEIR HELP AND THEIR LOVE AND APPRECIATION AS MUCH AS I LOVE AND APPRECIATE THEM.

When I want to tell my husband anything instead of saying you don't help me, you don't do anything, you are just expecting me to do things by myself, you don't teach them to respect me..... AS I USED TO!! I started saying to him "They need you to teach them too, they need a father also not just a mom, I need your help. I need you to help me around the house as well, I need you to be an example to them."

When I started to say I need , instead of you don't do anything. He realized that I was not nagging him, or criticizing him. But I truly and desperately needed him to help me. I told him "Look honey, I raised 4 children without a father, and I need your help to raise these 2, because I am NOT as strong or as healthy as I was when I raised my own 4.

The old saying goes "You catch more flies with honey than wit vinegar," I must say it is true. Sometime we have to let others know that WE have weaknesses also and we need them. That WE are not perfect, but WE need their love and respect.

I am not criticizing you Sister Gina, but try to let then all know that you need them and their help and they will see that you are not judging them but that you have needs they can help you to meet.

Today my girls do their own laundry, they clean their room, their bathroom, the entire kitchen, they offer to help me cook everyday, they cook when I am so sick I can't move, they clean the messes they make in the living room. They have even offered to help me clean my bedroom  ;). I know they love me, they show me and tell me everyday, I love them as if they were my own. My husband is so much happier now than he was when we first got them. He even decided to surprise us and take us out to brunch after church on Sunday, because of the display of LOVE that my daughter and I shared in a church full of over a hundred people we cried, and hugged without any shame or reservation. That made my husband's day. Mine too because my daughter showed that she was hurting for me because of my hurt. THAT IS LOVE.

thanks maria, for sharing your experience and i will be praying for you and your daughter to mend the rift between you.  and i pray for patience with my kids too.  and yes they have other chores to do to, like making their beds, keeping their room clean and the boys do the recycling and my daughter takes care of her cats (supposed to). and i do let my children take advantage of me and they know that if they don't do it that i will come behind them and do it myself.  i know i shouldn't but i just cant stand the mess.  i do the laundry, and the two older ones will help out if i ask them to do a load. i do all the laundry because we pay for our water and if they did their own in small loads we will pay more for the water, so i do the laundry and they put their own away.  when i worked out side the home for 8mths the kids helped out more even though they didn't want to.  but they figure i am home all day why shouldn't i do it. 

i am trying to teach them responsibility for their actions, and sometimes i fail at it, but i know with god's help i will get it right.  my daughter will cook sometimes on the weekend, and she enjoys it, but doesn't like the clean up part of it.  but who does like the clean up part.  she enjoys baking and does it quite regularly.  one weekend she wanted to make cinnamon rolls so i gave her the recipe and stayed in the background and when she had questions i answered them for her. 

well take care maria, and i will being praying for you, your daughter and your health that you won't have to many down days that you can't move. 

god bless, gina

Thank you Gina, I try my best to beat anything the enemy brings up against me. I do have a lot o battles going on right now, but I also have a lot of blessings. You are one of them because you pray for me as do many, many others here at CU.

There is nothing the enemy can do to me, I don't fight these battles on my own,  Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world. If my spirit leaves this world than I will be in a much better place, it's a win for me I already have the victory.

I used to let messes bother me so much that I think I had a phobia or something. My sister used to call me Ms Fantastic because I used to walk around with a spray bottle of Fantastic and a rag and any time someone came to my house besides making them take off the shoes, I would spray and wipe the doorknob after they touched it.  :o :o

People used to say that my house should have been in the clean home journal  :-\ I couldn't sleep so I would get up in the middle of the night and clean the house even if it was already clean, I used to wash my windows 3 times a week and I would wash and sweep my sidewalk and yard everyday. I would even throw clorox on it. I tell you I was extreme.. but things have changed thank God I am free from that. I still keep my house nice and clean, and if the girls make a mess anywhere you can be sure I will wake them up and get them out of bed and make them clean it no matter what time it is. Most of the time they follow my rules because they know I mean business. But I don't kill myself over the house any more. I have 14 grandchildren and when they come over they make all sorts of messes, I just learned to live with it  ;D ;D ;D ;D

I sure am glad I'm not the way I used to be anymore, but guess what, my daughters are I guess they learned it from me. When my 4 older children were younger, I used to make every Saturday "Super White Tornado Day" and I would give each one of them a bucket with water and a spray cleaner and sponges and squeegees and after we got through cleaning everything from the floor to the ceiling, then I would take them out to eat and to a nearby farm to pick their own strawberries or apples, or whatever was in season at the time. We would spend the rest of the day at the farm feeding the ducks and watching the horses being trained.  :D :D :D