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My friend is so stupid:

He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

He thought a quarterback was a refund.

He tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

He thought General Motors was in the army.

He thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

He tripped over a cordless phone.

He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Playing Doctor:

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

Biting:

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my rear end!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

The Clever Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Dating Rules:

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I
propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will
make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a
goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Sick Hick:

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.

"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."

"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

Fall-Down Drunk:

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"No problem," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

The Brass Rat:

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.

"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.

"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"

"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

Questions and Answers:

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.



Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A. So what's your question, dork?



Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.



Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

World's Greatest Salesman:

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"

"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,
000.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked. "I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

Bad News:

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..." "Eight..." "Seven..."

Ducks and Elephants:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To put out fires.



Why do elephants have flat feet?

To put out burning ducks.

Two blondes are walking down a road:
 
Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
 
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"

2nd blonde: "Chickens."

1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"

2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"

1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."

 

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease:
 
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear
as cologne. She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the
first date." Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Arch's Logo'. Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows. Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King. Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards. Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars. Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar". Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows. Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose. Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

Oklahoma Howdy to All,

Did everyone stop telling jokes? Maybe I should further define that since mine are groaners, but they are close to jokes.   :D

I first put these in "Bull" where most of the jokes have been put in the past. Nobody has posted a joke there since 9-21. Surely someone has better jokes than the ones I've posted.

In Christ,
Tom

I vampire bat comes flying into his cave late one night, dripping in blood. His friends mouths water as they see this “Please, tell us where all this blood came from!”

“No, no, it isn’t important” the bat replied

“Was it a cow?” His friends ask.

“No.” Replies the bat.

“Was is a horse?” His friends ask.

“No.” Replies the bat.

“Well, what is it?” After a while, the bat gets tired of his friends badgering him, so he agrees to take them to where to found the blood. They fly out for miles and miles, then they finally stop, hovering across from a clump of trees.

“See those tree?” The bat says.

“yes, yes” his friend replied enthusiastically.

“Well” the bat says “I didn’t”

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

 ;D  ;D  ;D

Already much better than mine. I'll keep working on it though.

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Ever heard the one about the retired cop who told cheesy jokes?

;) ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Tibby,

 ;D  I think that I heard that one. I think becoming a comedian is out of the question, so I'm training for the Olympics. I'm going to be a javelin catcher.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom

haha. Personally, I think an NBA bench warmer would be the best sports job, but ok... ;D

Church Signs:

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world!

It is unlikely there will ever be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here.

Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one.

People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

Where will you be sitting in eternity - smoking or non-smoking?

LOL Good One Bro ;D ;D ;D
==============================
I like this one ;D

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"?

The man replied, "130".

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about
physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is
really cool".

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked
him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "100."

So the robot started talking about the football,
baseball and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really, really
cool".

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others,
the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "70".

The robot then said, "So, what's the
Democratic Party up to these days?"

 ;D  ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

Brother, we missed you!

Are you back?

WOW! - I love your new graphic!

In Christ,
Tom

You know you're living in 2003 when...
>
>1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
>
>2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years - or ever.
>
>3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
>
>4. You e-mail your coworker who sits at the desk next to you.
>
>5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do
>not have e-mail addresses or a cell phone.
>
>6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
>in a business manner.
>
>7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to
>get an outside line.
>
>8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
>different companies.
>
>10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11o'clock news.
>
>11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job
>
>12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
>long-service awards.
>
>AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
>
>13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
>
>14. As you read this list, you thought about forwarding it to our
>"friends"
>
>15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more,
>except to send you jokes from the net.
>
>16. You are too busy to notice there was no No 9
>
>17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9
>
>18. You don't kmow anyone's phone number because it is programed into
>your cell phone

 ;D   ;D

Southern University Psychology:
 
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".
 
 ;D

OK, now I fully expect to be paid back from a Texan.

 ;D

 LAST REQUEST


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...

LAST REQUEST :)

LOL Forest

Brother Love :)

 ;D   ;D

Hole In One:

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf.

He pretends he's sick and convinces the associate pastor to say mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 50 miles away so he won't run into anyone from his parish.

On the first tee he sees he has the entire course to himself: Everyone else is in church!

Watching from heaven, Saint Peter turns to the Lord and asks, "are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball. It heads straight for the pin, drops just short of it, rolls up, and falls into the hole - a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, Saint Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?"

 ;D   ;D  

Another Groaner from me.

Mexican Smuggler:
 
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Mexican Smuggler

LOL

Brother Love :)

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.  The night passed slowly and the cars went by.  The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.  Then suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom.  It slowly crept toward him and stopped.  Reflexively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.   When the car slowly started moving again, the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.  He started to pray, begging for his life.  
He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death when, just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.  Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.  
Finally the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest town.  
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and, voice quavering, ordered two shots of whisky, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience.  A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.  



About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar.  One says to the other," Look, Ole, that's da guy vat rode in our car ven we vas pushing it in the rain."

 ;D   ;D  Forrest - Now - For My Groaner:

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not."

Another Groaner - I Had To Do It.

The Doctor's daughter:

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4-year-old daughter.

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to
follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument:

"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

LOL :) :) :)

Brother Love :)

Children and Humor - True?

NUDITY:

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

Children and Humor - True?

HONESTY:

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush into the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

Children and Humor - True?

ELDERLY:

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Children and Humor - True?

DEATH:

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."

Children and Humor - True?

SCHOOL:

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE:

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Time for a groaner:

THE DANGER OF SWITCHING JOBS:

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

 For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

The Waiter:

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his
thumb over the meat.
 
"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
 
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor
again?"

How true (The Waiter) LOL

Brother Love :)

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

It is called the "C-Nile Virus

Brother Love :)

Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" Meets the 21st Century - for the computer literate !



Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" Meets the 21st Century – for the computer literate !

ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say
I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in "office" is "office."
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows"?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big blue W if you don't give me
straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need
if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two,
three, and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even
part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But
I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do
you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for
free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do
you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my gotcha188.
You know -- accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need
more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for
the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash.
And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll
go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word -- the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in . . . Oh, never mind. *click*
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.  :)

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Love,

 ;D   ;D   ;D

Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" Meets the 21st Century - for the computer literate !

 ;D   ;D   ;D  - ROFL - It was great! Thanks!

THIS SHOULD BE SENT TO ALL BUSINESSES

     If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.

     My Aunt died this past January.  CitiBank billed her for February and  March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added      late fees and interest on the monthly charge...(the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00).
     I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

     Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

     CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

     Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

     CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

     Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

     CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report      her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

     Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

     CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

     Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

     CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)

     Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

     CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

     Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

     CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

     Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

     CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

     Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given ) ( After they get the fax. )

     CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

     Me: "Oh..."

     CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

     Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep      billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

     CitiBank: '"Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

     Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

     CitiBank: "That might help."

     Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

     CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

     Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

 ;D ;D ;D

UM??:

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends
with him.
 
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating
the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
 
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks
for the peanuts."
 
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off 'em."

 ;D

Ways to Know you are in the wrong Church...

-The staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor.

- They have ATM machines in the lobby.

- No cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum.

- Services are B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Snakes)

- They have karaoke worship time.

- The guy that takes the minutes in business meeting votes against everything because he can't spell unanimous.

- The only song the church organist knows is Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida.

- The church bus has gun racks.

- The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss" version.

- The choir wears leather robes.

- When you go in ushers ask you, "Do you want smoking or non-smoking?"

Good one Brother BEP ;D

Back in my BC days Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly, was one of my favorite songs ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

Brother, would you happen to belong to that over 50 crowd?   ;D I remember a bunch of those old songs. I liked the Beach Boys, The Beatles, and The Carpenters. I also liked some of the big bands (i.e. Benny Goodman). However, all of that stuff was too wild for dad. Lawrence Welk was as wild as it got.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease:

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.

Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.

Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.

Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

Children:

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died & went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

Having a bad day - True?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Osama:

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...

What did you think I said?

Occupation:

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks...
"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"

The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"
The old man gets up and says "wait right here."

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a Bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

" OK, here's how it works...
If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the Bible he's gonna be a preacher."

The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts...
"OH MY! - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"

Money:

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!

Wizard of OZ:

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I
need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Willie replies - "Is Dorothy around?"

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a
$20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.

He proceeded to crumple the $20 dollar bill up. He then asked," Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled,and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
 
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.

You are special - Don't EVER forget it. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

And remember: amateurs built the ark...professionals built the
Titanic.

Brother Love :)

AMEN! Brother. If we counted our blessings, we wouldn't have time to think about our problems.

In Christ,
Tom

A little boy just couldn't learn.  One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence.  He didn't know.  For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn't come up with the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy's father to her office.  "Your boy won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence," she complained.

"Come here, son, and sit down," the dad said to the boy.  "Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!"  

HOW COULD YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE
 THINGS? :::::
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was
 invented. It was ruled
 "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden" .....and
 thus the word GOLF entered
 into the English language.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The first couple to be shown in bed together on
 prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Every day more money is printed for Monopoly
 than the US Treasury.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Men can read smaller print than women can;
 women can hear better.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Coca-Cola was originally green
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 It is impossible to lick your elbow.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The State with the highest percentage of people
 who walk to work:
 Alaska
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The percentage of Africa that is wilderness:
 28% (now get this)....The
 percentage of North America that is wilderness:
 38%
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the
 age of eleven: $6,400
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The average number of people airborne over the
 US any given hour:
 61,000

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in
 their hair.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and
 lived in China in 1910.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The youngest pope was 11 years old.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The first novel ever written on a typewriter:
 Tom Sawyer.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The San Francisco Cable cars are the only
 mobile National Monuments.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
 a great king from
 history:
 Spades - King David
 Hearts - Charlemagne
 Clubs -Alexander, the Great
 Diamonds - Julius Caesar
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
 12,345,678,987,654,321
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
 has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
 If the horse
 has one front leg in the air the person died as a result
 of wounds received
 in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground,
 the person died of
 natural causes.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Only two people signed the Declaration of
 Independence on July 4th,
 John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest
 signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
 until 5 years
 later.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles
 of what?
 A. Their birthplace
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is
 the most popular boat name requested?
 A. Obsession
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far
 would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
 A. One thousand
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
 windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
 A. All invented by women.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
 A. Honey
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. Which day are there more collect calls than
 any other day of the year?
 A. Father's Day
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured
 on bed frames by ropes.
 When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
 making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase
 "goodnight, sleep
 tight."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000
 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's
 father would
 supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
 Mead is a honey beer
 and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
 was called the
 honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and
 quarts...So in old England,
 when customers got unruly, the bartender would
 yell at them: "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle
 down. It's where
 we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had
 a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic
 cups. When
 they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some
 service.. "Wet your
 whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
 At least 75% of people who read this will try
 to lick their elbow

Kid's Voices
 =============
 
 Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult
 voices?
 
 Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm
 hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
 
 As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children
 in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm.
 I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
 
 The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was
 O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was
 expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
 
 They said OK.
 
 After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children
 picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
 
 Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to
 wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks
 waiting for their arriving passengers.
 
 As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running
 shouting,
 
 "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
 
 As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
 
 Alex shouted,
 
 "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
 
 The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area
 looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of
 the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom
 was.
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about
 her then 4-year-old daughter.
 
 On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on
 the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing
 with it.
 
 "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to
 follow in my footsteps!"
 
 Then the child spoke into the instrument:
 "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
 "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
 
 Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
 "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
 
 The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
 "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
 
 She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not."
 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
 the boys?"
 
 Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
 too rough."
 
 The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
 "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were
 on the way to church service,
 
 "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
 
 One bright little girl replied,
 
 "Because people are sleeping."

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.  He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.  Do you think I could stay the night?"  The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.  As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.  The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.   Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.  The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.  That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.  The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right.  I'm dying to know.  If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"   The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.  When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task.  Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.  He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.  There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."v The monks reply, "Congratulations.  You are now a monk.  We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.  He says, "Real funny.  May I have the key?"  The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.  Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.  The man demands the key to the stone door.  The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.  He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.  Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.  So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end.  He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.  

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long
weekend to thaw out last winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel they spent their honeymoon 29 years before. Because both had jobs
they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so it was
decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his
wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the
husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he
decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her address and sent the e-mail
without realizing his error. In Houston a widow had just returned from
her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister who had been
called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her
e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the
first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found
his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read, To: My
Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived
You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've
just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope
your journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS Sure is hot down here!

Oklahoma Howdy to Willowbirch,

 ;D   ;D  ROFL - Thanks, I needed that laugh.

By the way, YOU GOT ME, I can't lick my elbow.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom

Amen Bro

Brother Love :)

Truths Learned By Children:

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

Truths Learned By Adults:

Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline! :

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Things to do on an Elevator:

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: 'Shut up, all of you just shut UP!'

Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce 'You're one of THEM!' and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'Is that your beeper?'

Say 'Ding!' at each floor.

Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'

Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more suitable host body.'

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

3 Good Ones BEP :)

Brother Love :)

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Love,

Thanks Brother. I didn't think they were my usual groaners.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom

We're having a dinner catered at our house this week end.  The chef is "Wheels" Pierre.  He's the chef at the local Road Kill Cafe (you kill it we grill it).

The Menu Choices:

    Center Line Bovine
           real good right from the hood

    Chicken
           that didn't cross the road

    Flat Cat
           single or in a stack

Dessert

    Road Toad Ala Mode

They also have a daily special

    "Guess That Mess"
           free if you can guess what it is

Rumored Corporate Mergers:
 
It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems.  

This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Proposed merger:   Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called Fairwell Honeychild.

Rumored merger:   Wurlitzer with Xerox.  They are going to market reproductive organs.

Possible merger:   Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler -- to be called... Poly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merger:   mmmGood

John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining:
Dip Audi Do Da

Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese

Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home

Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-a-Car: Luv Herts

Upjohn and Chuckie Cheese Pizza: UpChuck

White Castle Burgers and Glad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags

Subject: Fw: 25 signs you're getting old


 



 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.

Subject: What is a billion?



The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion"
casually,  think about whether you want that politician spending your tax
money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one
of its releases:

 -A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
 -A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
 -A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the
     Stone Age.
 -A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at
     the rate Washington spends it.

Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

 ;D  - Signs you are getting old.

There are things all should do as they get older.

Keep your glasses close to the bed and always put them on before getting up. Advanced cases may need to count to 100 first and determine where they are first.

Always remember that your wife may not have been the one who moved the item you are searching for.

Always store your Preparation H and Ben-gay in separate locations. For advanced cases, store them in different rooms. For really advanced cases, make sure that neither of them are stored close to your toothbrush.

 ;D

Thanks Forrest & BEP

You made my day ;D

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and
> I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
> Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
> Really, Like a new-born baby?"
>Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

 ;D   ;D  Brother, you are on a roll.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom

Tough Love From Cousin:

Here it is - Lawyer jokes just for you:

747 Full of Lawyers:

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

-----

Buried Lawyers:

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

-----

Burried 10 Feet Under:

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad!

-----

Lawyer jokes LOL  ;D ;D ;D

Famous Dog Quotes:

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
Fran Lebowitz

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
Unknown

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
Rita Rudner

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Dereke Bruce

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
Christopher Morley

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
Andrew A. Rooney

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
Mark Twain

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
John Steinbeck

World's Easiest Quiz:

(Answers at the bottom. . . Hey - NO Cheating)

Write your answers down before looking at the answers. If you get more than 2 wrong, remedial education is available.

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get catgut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?






ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2. Ecuador.

3. From sheep and horses.

4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5. Squirrel fur.

6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.

8. Distinctively crimson.

9. New Zealand.

10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

GOTCHA!

Product Label Instructions For Idiots:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Good One Bro

Brother Love :)

Psych Test:

This is an authentic psychological test.
It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her mother, she met a man whom she did not know. She thought he was amazing, her dream guy, and she fell in love with him but never asked for his number and couldn't find him after the funeral. A few days later the girl killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? Give this some thought before you scroll down.























Answer:

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the sister's funeral.If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took this test and answered it correctly.
If you didn't answer correctly - good for you. And, I'd trust you with a gun.

Photogenic?

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Headlines - Real?

DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE

ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED

DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT

COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERS

FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL

HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE

POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA

TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG

COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGETABLES

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW

COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH

JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

How True LOL :)

Brother Love :)

In Hot Pursuit:

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

Deputy Gomer:

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Bubba & Earl:

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

A BLONDE POLICE STOP:

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

Another Good One Brother BEP

Brother Love :)

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? ;D

 ;D  Good one Ambassador4Christ.

Now for my groaner:

The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate:
 
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my rear end!"

LOL :)

Brother Love :)

You had to know, so here it is:

What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?







 
A full set of teeth!    ;D

    GGGrrrooonnn
  Q:  Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
    A:  The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

Father O'Malley and friends

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

  Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and  there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".

Here are 16 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan, here some are written in Haiku. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?

--------------------------------------------

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.

--------------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

--------------------------------------------

Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

--------------------------------------------

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

--------------------------------------------

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

--------------------------------------------

Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

--------------------------------------------

Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

--------------------------------------------

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

--------------------------------------------

Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?

--------------------------------------------

You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.

--------------------------------------------

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

------------------------------------------------

Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped.

--------------------------------------------

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.

--------------------------------------------

Screen.

Mind.

Both are blank.

Military Thoughts - Real?:

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instructions printed on a US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52's is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo

 ;D

In Christ,
Tom

My Favorite one is the last one:

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo :)

Brother Love :)

LETTER TO THE BANK
 
Below is an actual letter sent to a bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times:
 
 
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check, with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which I
admit, has only been in place for eight years.
 
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.
 
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded faceless entity, which your bank has become.
 
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom
you must nominate.
 
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for
Authorized Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
 
In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number, which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits, but again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 
Let me level the playing field even further. When calling, please press
buttons as follows:
 
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
 
#2. To query a missing payment.
 
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
 
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
 
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
 
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
 
#7. To leave a message on my computer; a password will be required to
access my computer. Password will be communicated at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
 
#8. To return to the main menu or to listen to options 1 through 7
again.
 
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The person calling me will
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. I
will be contacting you shortly with the amount. In the meantime, may I
wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
 
Your Humble Client,
______________________________________________

Christmas Groaners:

What's another name for Santa's Little Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why don't elves just buy the toys with money?
Because they're a little short!

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
Sandy Claws!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names..."

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle

What do elves learn in school?
The Elfabet

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

What is Santa's dog's name?
Santa Paws

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle :) :) :)

Brother Love :)

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY            

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one of the boys as he put the pecans in two piles.

While they were dividing up the pecans several more dropped and rolled down >toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, >one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we >can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter >and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
........ They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike

 ;D ;D ;D

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do.
She walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed:
"Isn't that just like a dumb engineer?  We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"  ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

Thanks Brother, I really needed that laugh today.

Love In Christ,
Tom

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."  
 ;D ;D ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Ambassador4Christ,

 ;D  ;D  ;D  OH NO!! - I have one of those that goes for 30 days!!  LOL

Love In Christ,
Tom

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God had problem with His children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was: "DON'T!"
"Don't what?", Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit.", God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father, and I said so," God replied--wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break, and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" asked the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it," Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then, you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Parents of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"  :-X

The Monk

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had awakened him.

"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound. you're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way.

During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof.

The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before.

"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound.

He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.
When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...
......

......


......



......




But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk!

Good one JudgeNot


The Crusader

As Simple as it Gets
(A Father Daughter Talk)

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, which she expressed openly.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and more welfare programs. In the middle of her heartfelt diatribe based upon the lectures she had from her far left professors at her school, he stopped her and asked her point blank how she was doing in school.

She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend and didn’t have really many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Mary?” She replied, “Mary is barely getting by,” she continued, “All she has is barely a 2.0 GPA” adding “and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies.” But to explain further she continued emotionally, “But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast! She goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn’t even show up for classes because she is too hung over.”

Her father then asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0?” He continued, “That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair, equal distribution of GPA…” The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion angrily fired back, “That wouldn’t be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing! She played while I worked really hard!”

The father slowly smiled and said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
 ;D

Politically Correct Male Put-Downs:

He doesn't have a beer gut; he has a liquid grain storage facility.


He's not quiet or shy; he's a conversational minimalist.


He's not stupid; he's cranial developmentally challenged.


He doesn't get lost; he discovers alternative destinations.


He's not balding; he's in follicle regression.

Smart Dog:

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth.

The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.

The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and
climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still
in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -wham!- against the door.

He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -wham!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?

This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Heaven's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

(It's an old one, but I like it.)

The Chicken Farmer:

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local feed store and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The feed store man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The feed store man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,

"Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the feed store man replies. "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Slogans for Women's T-shirts:

I'm out of estrogen, but I have a gun!

Guys have feelings too, but who cares?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

Do NOT start with me You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew:


If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect gift.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask about his thoughts unless you want to discuss navel lint, shotguns, or monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.

A dog is better than ANY cat. Period.

Shopping is not a sport.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to submit to it.

Your ex-boyfriend is, was, and always will be an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark important days on a calendar.

Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think he would be any good at choosing which pair, out of your thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Check your oil.

Anything said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and/or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask him to do something or tell him how you want it done - not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

(An old one, but I like it.)

Gifts for Teacher:

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.
Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Hmmm.  Sounds like bep been learning his lesson.  


Where do get all these, bep.  Funny!!

   ;D ;D ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Symphony,


I get quite a few in Email from friends and family, but my wife is a school teacher and teachers trade jokes all the time to maintain sanity.   :D  I used to post them more often, but we're not getting as many as we used to for some reason. I understand that the teachers send them back and forth between schools, and I'd love to get on their Email list. You know they live on the edge, and most of them aren't quite right by the end of a normal day with all of those kids.   ;D

If I can ever find them, I saved police jokes for years. In fact, I had a police humor thread on my BBS, 357 Magnum, for many years. There would be a thousand or more, and I would love to find them. If I do, I'll post some of the best ones. It was a FIDOnet BBS, and I was a Net Coordinator. A thread was local to one machine, and echos were either area, national, or international. Believe it or not, I processed as many as 2500 messages a day through my system. I probably have thousands of regular jokes some place, but I can't find them either. Several of the echos were all humor. Just for trivia, I served as an International Moderator for FIDOnet's ASKACOP Echo for many years. The Internet killed the vast majority of Bulletin Boards, and that's a shame.

Did you ever visit an old-fashioned Bulletin Board?

Love in Christ,
Tom

No, I never visited a bullentin board.  I brand new to the Net and technology generally.


What do you mean the Net killed the bulentin board?


Wow, it sounds like you were really at the center.

Hmm, I wasn't aware of that 'bout the teachers.  Hmm, on the edge all the time.  

I wonder if I would enjoy teaching.  I like to think tht I would.  I'd love to, actually, I think.  But it would be exhausting, I would think.

Oklahoma Howdy to Symphony,


There was a time when things were pretty expensive, and average people could not afford the phone bills to send and receive messages around the world. That was one of the big advantages of belonging to a big net, one where messages were relayed from one hub to the next. We all had to pay fees, but we shared the fees and reduced the costs with a relay system incorporating a net of over 30,000 computers around the world.

Most System Operators tried to keep the cost low enough to pay all of the bills themselves, but many of the users had to pay long distance fees to use the BBS, and they paid by the minute to access the BBS. I was one who paid all of my bills, and I didn't charge anyone a fee of any kind, even when I had to pay fees to deliver their mail. During times of war or emergency, we sent and received messages to and from military personnel all over the world, especially when phones were tied up or too expensive for average people. We were able to compress a large message and send it to the next hub in seconds or split-seconds.

When the Internet first started to become popular, many people couldn't afford it. Most FIDOnet Operators already had links to the Internet they could use for little or nothing. As a result, the first Emails many people sent were sent via a relay from a FIDOnet system at no cost to them. Messages were also sent and received in what were called SIGs, Special Interest Groups. FIDOnet had thousands of them. Let's say your hobby was stamp collecting and trading. You could subscribe to that SIG on a FIDOnet system and talk/trade with other stamp collectors around the world. When you logged into the system, the messages of your interest were waiting for you.

Along came several free Internet Email providers, and many eventually became a local call. This started reducing the popularity of FIDOnet systems. Then, along came full Internet Service Providers, and many eventually became a local call with reasonable monthly charges. FIDOnet systems never offered the full services of the Internet, as that would require huge systems and huge bills. Most FIDOnet Systems did offer on-line games, but none compared to what was offered on the Internet. I had 25 online games on my system and free Email/Netmail. I also maintained immediate access to over 300 FIDOnet SIGs. There are various message groups on the Internet that would easily go over 100,000. I wouldn't even guess about how many games could be played on the Internet and how many services are offered that could never be offered by a FIDOnet System (i.e. online banking, stock trading, etc.). The best a FIDOnet System could do was offer a tiny glimpse of the Internet. Prices came down low enough for average people, and they stopped calling the FIDOnet Systems. Part of the price obviously involved computer equipment and modems. My last modem that I used in 1997 for my system cost over $500, and I had needs that only that modem could supply. Today's equivalent for accessing the Internet is very simple and might cost $30.

All of these things worked together and most of the nets started to die. I hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane.   :D

In Christ,
Tom

 :)

A Question To Ponder:

Where do you find a dog with no legs?











Right where you left it.

The Wrong Way  (An old one - but still good):

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Kofi Annan’s New Year's UN Resolutions:

Be brave -- ask US for more money.
Salt and pepper beard more.

Apply for US citizenship.

Lose weight -- no more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony!

Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more.

Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!"

Make the UN more bureaucratized.

Talk to US President more in broader terms - "African People Hungry," "Arabs Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower.

Finally count out Third World dues change jar.

Resolve to cut the word “Secretary” from title. “General Annan” catchier.

Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or “THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUB”.

Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks.

Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations. Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!

The CIA Opening for an Assassin (An old one - but good one)

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

PC Pot:

A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuana is a Gateway drug.

*tiptoes in*

*looks around*

*laughs (some really good ones here!)*

*tiptoes out*

 ;D

from bep, earlier:

Slogans for Women's T-shirts:

I'm out of estrogen, but I have a gun!

Guys have feelings too, but who cares?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.  (Hm.  I might change this one to:  "I'm busy. You're ugly.  Deal with it."   ;D)


Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

Do NOT start with me You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. (I would omit "please"... :-X)

All stressed out and no one to choke.    ;D

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.   ;D

How can I miss you if you won't go away   ;D



These are perfect, bep.  

also from bep, earlier:

Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew:


If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect gift.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask about his thoughts unless you want to discuss navel lint, shotguns, or monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.

A dog is better than ANY cat. Period.

Shopping is not a sport.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to submit to it.

Your ex-boyfriend is, was, and always will be an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark important days on a calendar.

Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think he would be any good at choosing which pair, out of your thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Check your oil.

Anything said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and/or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask him to do something or tell him how you want it done - not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.  
 
 
Hm, bep, I think I might post these on the refrigerator.

Guys have feelings too, but who cares?



All stressed out and no one to choke.




     ;D ;D ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Symphony,

Some of these work pretty well for school teachers on Fridays after teaching for 30 years.   ;D  I just say "Yes", salute, and go do what I'm told on Friday night. There always has to be 2 or 3 kids in the class that pinch the absolute last nerve on that poor teacher by Friday. Two more years and she can retire. In the meantime, I'm the only one close enough to choke on the weekend.   ;D  It's best to talk softly, not make eye contact, and simply sit quietly until you are given orders on something to do.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
"You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
"I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
"My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training.
"I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration.
"You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.
"I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card..
"All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! "You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me. . . NOT TO PRAY?"

Left Coast - I don't know whether to laugh or cry...
 :D :'( :D :'( :D :'( :-\

(1) God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

(2) Dear God, I have a problem -- it's me.

(3) Growing old is inevitable, growing UP is optional.

(4) There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

(5) Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

(6) Do the math ... count your blessings.

(7) Faith is the ability to not panic.

(8) Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.

(9) If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.

(10) As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.

(11) Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.

(12) The most important things in your home are the people.

(13) When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be
still so He can untangle the knot.

(14) A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

(15) He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

(16) We do not remember days, but moments.

(17) Life is moving too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.


(18) Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just
hearsay.

(19) It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just
remember to flush it occasionally!

What your mother taught you:


1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of  that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught  me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me  about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut  your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me  about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that  dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is  gone."

11. My mother taught  me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I  brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught  me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father. "

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

And one of my four is a splitting image.
He lives about a mile from my house, he thinks my name is Safeway.
Unfortunatly my mother died before his teen years, she would have laughed herself silly.
I loved your post. ;D

 ;D  -  Thanks for those laughs Brothers!

I have a real old one that has been updated. I think I can honestly state it is a REAL KNEE SLAPPER!
____________________

This is an old one but updated and great!

GREEN SNAKES ARE OK?  READ ON...

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out
and the wife saw it go under the sofa.  She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.  His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.  The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.  He volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.  But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there
passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.  An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.  They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.  They called an ambulance, which took away the
neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch.  One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.  The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.  Meanwhile the burning drapes
had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed.  Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.  She shot him.[b/]   ;D   ;D
____________________

My 80 year old aunt in Galveston, Texas sent that to me. It was funny in the old version, but it's even better now.

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and  she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But,she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
.......Her trial starts next month

Oklahoma Howdy to Coyote,

 ;D  Thanks Brother, I needed that laugh.

Tom

     LOL ;D

LOL ;D You get  ;D ;D ;D ;D

The 10 Best Caddy Replies

# 10
Golfer   "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy  "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#  9
Golfer   "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy  "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#  8
Golfer   "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy  "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#  7
Golfer   "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy  "Eventually."

#  6
Golfer   "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy  "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#  5
Golfer   "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy  "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#  4
Golfer   "How do you like my game?"
Caddy  "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#  3
Golfer   "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy  "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#  2
Golfer   "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy  "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old,"
Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

A4C - I'm not a golfer - but that was pretty good! Now I know why I'm NOT a golfer!  ;D

(But there's a lot of bass out there that think I'm the biggest joke in the world!)  ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks Brother!, I needed that laugh.

I'll tell you a groaner of a golf joke since I was reminded of it.
_____________

This executive was sick of being beat at golf and decided he had to find someone he could beat. He went driving in the country and found an old guy in overalls on a tractor. The farmer said that he didn't know anything about golf, but he agreed to go.

The executive told the farmer a little bit about the game and gave terms for a few things. He said, "See that flag down there? You want to take this club, hit that ball, and try to make it land as close as you can to that flag."

The farmer hit a beautiful shot, the ball hit the flag, and it came to rest about two feet from the hole.

The executive got really mad and said, "I thought you didn't know anything about golf! You almost hit the ball into the hole on the first shot!"

The farmer said, "Why didn't you tell me I was supposed to hit the ball into the hole?"

 ;D   ;D
 

GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
        -Stephen Bishop

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
      - Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
      - Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
     - Clarence Darrow

 "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
 - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

 "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
      -Samuel Johnson

 "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

 "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
      -Groucho Marx

 "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
      -Thomas Beckett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
     - Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
    - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
    - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
     -Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
    -Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
    - Billy Wilder

There's nothing sadder than the childless couple. It breaks your heart to see them stretched out, relaxing around swimming pools in Florida and California, suntanned and miserable on the decks of boats, trotting off to enjoy Europe like lonesome fools -- with money to spend, time to enjoy themselves and nothing to worry about.

Childless couples become so selfish and wrapped up in their own concerns that you feel sorry for them. They don't fight over the kids' discipline. They miss all the fun "doing without" for the child's sake. It's a pathetic sight.

Everyone should have children. No one should be allowed to escape the wonderful experiences attached to each stage in the development of the young.

The happy memories of those early years -- saturated mattresses, waiting for sitters who don't show, midnight asthma attacks, rushing to the emergency room of the hospital to get the kid's head stitched up.

Then comes the payoff -- when the child grows from a little acorn into a real nut.

What can equal the warm smile of a small lad with the sun glittering on $1,500 worth of braces -- ruined by peanut brittle -- or the frolicking, carefree voices of 20 hysterical savages running amok, at a birthday party?

How sad not to have children to brighten your cocktail parties -- massaging potato chips into the rug and wrestling with guests for the olives in their martinis.

How empty is the home without challenging problems that make for a well-rounded life -- and an early breakdown; the end-of-day report from Mother, related like strategically placed blows to the temple, the tender, thoughtful
discussions when the report card reveals that your senior son is a moron.

Children are worth every moment of anxiety, every sacrifice. You know it the first time you take your son hunting. He didn't mean to shoot you in the leg. Remember how he cried? How sorry he was? So disappointed you weren't a deer. Those are the memories a man treasures.

Think back to that night of romantic adventure, when your budding, beautiful daughter eloped with the village idiot. What childless couple ever shares in such a wonderful growing experience?

Could a woman without children equal the strength and heroism of your wife when she tried to fling herself out of the bedroom window? Only a father could have the courage to stand by -- ready to jump after her.

The childless couple lives in a vacuum. They try to fill their lonely lives with dinner dates, theater, golf, tennis, swimming, civic affairs and trips all over the world.

The emptiness of life without children is indescribable.

See what the years have done. He looks boyish, unlined and rested. She is slim, well-groomed and youthful. It isn't natural. If they had kids, they'd look like the rest of us -- tired, gray, wrinkled and haggard. In other words, normal.

--author unknown

Then comes the payoff -- when the child grows from a little acorn into a real nut.

LOL! I have 3 real nuts...all NORMAL like me too...well...without the tired, gray, wrinkled and haggard part  ;D

One Parachute Short  -  This is funny.....this should make your day.......


An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board,  but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a senator from New York, and a potential future president and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Wesley Clark, said "I'm a general in the Army of the United States of America. I am also going to be my party's nominee for President ." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you.

America's smartest woman took my schoolbag!"

Now didn't this make you smile....

For sale:  Parachute.  Used once--didn't open.



     ???

Good Advice!  -  Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.

Texas Doctor Stories...
>
> Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
> that they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.
A
> concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8
> months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
>
> One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs  in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
>
> The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's butt and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

Oklahoma Howdy to Warrior For Christ,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks - I needed that laugh. I would say that the 3rd surgeon did a terrific job.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

 ;D  ;D  Thanks Brother Ollie - I needed that laugh!

Now, I have a sudden urge for coffee.

Love In Christ,
Tom

A little bit of Church humor........

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." ;D

========

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

========

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
A little Church humour


"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

===========
Go in peace with God
DW

 ;D  Thanks Dreamweaver - I needed those laughs.

I think that I have some more saved from email. I'll have to find them and return the favor.

Love In Christ,
Tom

I also have some more from e-mails but, I don't remember what I titled them. :eek:

Oops.....

Blackeyedpeas stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation.

After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he
said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most
realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."

"Officer," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumbprint."
 :-X

oh she`s a mean one...sister grinch  :-X




LOL!  :-X

I'll say :D

POLICE DOG

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."

Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."

 ;D

WARNING TICKET

"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"

This topic is great!  Thanks for starting!  Oooops!  I am a woman.  Gotta go now before I get kicked out of here.  :-)

This is a true story, of what happened when I got pulled over.
Driving along, I was pulled over, the cop wanted to see my lic, ins, and registation. I handed it all over to the cop.

He told me I was being pulled over for speeding, 5 miles over the speed limit. I hit the steering wheel in fustration. The cop looked at me while I said, "Stupid truck, you are always getting me in trouble."  The cop asked me to get out, and pointede to the left tire, it went flat.

The cop handed me back everything and told me to have a nice day. He got back into the car and waved as he drove away. Mean while I had a flat tire to fix. The bad thing was

I had just bought the tires earlier that DAY!

Oklahoma Howdy to JoyfulDove222 and DreamWeaver,

JoyfulDove222 - We must have little raiding parties back and forth between the men's and women's areas just to keep everyone on their toes.   ;D

DreamWeaver - I'm wondering if the police officer stopped you to tell you about the tire. Five mph over the speed limit would really be nit-picking. Officers could wear themselves out dealing with 15+ over the limit.

__________________________

QUICK WIT

A woman was caught for speeding and told to pull over to the side of the road.

Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on, as soon as she stopped she quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window.

After lecturing her about speeding, the cop said, "I noticed you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Most definitely, officer," she replied.

"I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"

 ;D

TRAFFIC STOP

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car).

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Oh Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
 ;D

This happened in 1977 in Georgia, while I was traveling through the state.
I lived in Arizona, had a California D.L. and was living at the time in Texas. :D
Or the cop didn't want to deal with the paper work. :D

A WHO DONE IT?

A workman was killed at a construction site.

The police began questioning a number of the other workers.
Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter who thought he was a stud was once arrested for murder but was never nailed.

The window glazier went to great panes to conceal his past.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason gets stoned regularly and his alibi is as solid as a rock.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

So who did it?

The window glazier. But he claims he was framed.

 ;D

Illegal Turn

A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!", he said.

"That's OK, Dad," his son replied. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

 ;D

OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty
surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in
his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen
hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his
pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's
charred trousers in custody.

I can't do that

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really
bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

This one may bother someone. :eek:
I think it is funny. ;D




The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator  Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as First Lady of our nation.   In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.   This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.   After months of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

l. The stamp was in perfect order.
2. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People were spitting on the wrong side.

Oklahoma Howdy to Dreamweaver,

 ;D   ;D  The exploding paint dye joke was my favorite. Thanks, I needed those laughs.
________________________

The Motorcycle Cop I Met The Other Day

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-geek.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horse's behind.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care, my car was parked around the corner.

 ;D

IT'S OK, COME ON HOME!

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

 ;D

True story;

While in elem. school. My teacher told us we were going to have a test this day, (suprise test) she told us it would be 75% of our grade.
She handed out papers to all of us, and told us it is also a timed test. Everyone of us groaned.  We could see parts of the test. She went to the black board, Pull up the map covering the test.

Erased in the middle she had written..........................


April fools........

She got each of us that day. :P

Air Conditioning

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Coke Please

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

Dead Mouse in The Hot Chile

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Thermos

A cop walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss...how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right.......give me two black, three cream and sugar."

 ;D   ;D   ;D

_______________________

A cop stopped a drunk at about dawn.

The cop asked, "Can you explain why you're out at this hour?"

"If I could," the drunk said, "I'd be home by now!"

K-9 Unit

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.

"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.

The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a blind policeman!"

Pullover!!!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Since you told that one I guess I can tell this one.

A wino comes into a bar bothering everyone for a drink and finally the bartender is tired of it and to get rid of the guy says he can have a free drink if he drinks what is in the spitoon.

Discussed but thisty the wino picks up the spitoon and begins to chug.  Glug, Glug Glug, he goes and the bar tender seeing it is going badly, disturbing the customers more than the wino, decides to call a halt to it.  

Ok you proved your point you can have a free drink. he says.

Still on and on the wino goes Glug Glug Glug and soon customers are leaving it is so disgusting.

Please the bartender moans stop.  You can have free frinks the rest of the night - just stop.

Still on and on the wino goes Glug Glug Glug and soon it is just the barkeep and the wino left everyone else having long fled the scene.

Finally the wino stops and sets the spitoon down and wipes his lips.

Why didn't you stop when I told you you could the bartender asks.  

I couldn't the winos says -

It was all in one string.

 ;D  YUK!!!
_____________________

New Recruit

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

Nobody Listens Anymore

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."  (Groaner)   ;D

Sherlock Holmes and The Camping Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent." (Groaner)   ;D

Censorship: A Question of Irony?

So, I was looking through the Prelinger Video Archives collection of 1940 through 1960's "Social Guidance" and other educational films. While most are good today only for a laugh, there are some relevant even today. (I'd like the Bush White House to all be tied to their seats to watch the cautionary piece on "Despotism.") Most films are downloadable in several video formats.
However, I was a bit disconcerted at the message I found when I checked the listing for "Censorship: A Question of Judgement?":

<hxxp://ggg.archive.org/movies/details-db.php?collection=prelinger&collecti onid=19437>


"This movie is currently unavailable for download because it cannot be located on our servers.  We apologize for the inconvenience and hope to have access to this movie restored as soon as possible."

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

Actual Directions

These are actual directions found on certain products around the
world!


1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
   "You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
   inside!"
   you think to your self (Shoplifters special)

2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
   "Do not turn upsod down"
   (Too late)

3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding.
   "Product will be hot after heating"
   (Just as day follows night)

4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
   "Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY"
   (As opposed to what now?)

5. On Sainsbury's peanuts.
   "WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!"
   (Talk about your news flash)

6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
   "Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts."
   You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)

7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
   "Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
   genitals!!"

Three Wishes Each for a Bear and a Rabbit

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and Immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."

A Louisiana Ghost Story

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

The Cat Clock
There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat
everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, "What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"

Shakespeare's Hokey Pokey

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.


Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.


The Hoke, the poke--banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.


Blackeyepeas,
I know you remember the "Hokey Pokey." ;D

 ;D   ;D  Yes, but mine was the Dead Sea Scrolls version. Shakespeare was a new guy who caused lots of trouble.
___________________________

Take my wife, please!
By the late, great Henny Youngman.


A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"
__________

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
__________

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
__________

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week,  we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
__________

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
__________

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
__________

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
__________

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
__________

My wife has a black belt in shopping.
__________

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
__________

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
__________

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
__________

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
__________

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.  Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
__________

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
__________

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
__________

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
__________

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
__________

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
__________

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
__________

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
__________

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
__________

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
__________

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Wife Control

There were three blokes talking in the pub.  Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you.  Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.""

The first two blokes were amazed.  "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."   ;D

Problem With Euphemisms

A little boy walks into the living room where his parents are entertaining a large gathering of their friends and loudly announces, "Mommy, I have to poop!"

The mother takes the boy to the bathroom and says, "Now, Billy, the next time you have to go to the bathroom , say, 'Mommy, I have to whisper.'"

"Okay," says the boy.

That night little Billy wakes up at 3:00 AM and goes to his parents' bedroom where they are sound asleep.

He goes up to his mother and says, "Mommy, I have to whisper."

The mother drowsily replies, "I'm too tired now.  Go whisper in Daddy's ear.   ;D

BUBBA AND CLEM

Bubba and Clem found three hand grenades and they decided that they better take them to the police station.

"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.

"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."  (Groan)   ;D

SERIAL KILLER

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right" said the detective, "I'm afraid this is the work of a cereal killer."  (Old Groaner)   ;D

The top brass of the different branches of the military were all arguing about which group had the most guts.

The Army General said he could prove his claim and called a private over.  Private he bellowed, take your bayonet off your rife and stab yourself in the thigh.

Yes Sir the private answered and quick as a wink they were hauling him off tot he infirmary.

Now that takes guts the General beamed.

That's nothign the Marine General says.  Private he yells calling over a Marine fresh from basic.  Shoot your big toe off he orders and quick as a wink the order is carried out.

Now that takes guts the General says smiling.

The Air Force Colonel just laughs.  That's nothing - watch this.  Grabbing a microphone he orders a pilot over head to crash his plane and sure enough his orders are carried out.

Now that takes guts he says defiantly.

All eyes turn to the Navy Admiral who is just sitting there smirking.  

Those were nothing he says and yells up to a sailor on the mast of the carrier.  Sailor jump he orders.

The sailor yells down - DROP DEAD!

The Admiral turns to the other brass and says...

Now that takes guts.

Its always difficult to bring sad news, but I thought you should
know:

Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world.  The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.

What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his
body in the casket.

They'd put his left leg in and... well, you know the rest.

Feel better now

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

What is the time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Finish the start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips, a quart of choclate chip Ice cream, and a chocolate cake .

I feel better already.

A mental hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Letter to a shrink

Dear Shrink, :D

It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn’t sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.

I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day.

I served stints in mental institutions, was even suicidal. Not even the normal 1-2 punch of Prozac and Zoloft would help.

Who would think that such a terrible and utterly disgusting act of cruelty and injustice could exist? Exist here in the United States of America, the land of the free the home of the Braves?

I could see a terrible wrong like this happening in third world anarchies, but here? The only place in the world where you can buy a six piece chicken McNugget and redeem 250 UPC symbols for a blue, red, and white basketball all on the same day!

I can still hear their merciless, nerve wrecking, voices; taunting him. They kept shrieking over and over that horrid little phrase, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

Why couldn’t they just give the innocent, little, white rabbit some cereal? Why? Does the fact that he is a rabbit automatically deprive him of the democratic and patriotic notion, the freedom, of eating cereal?

I can vaguely recollect the times when he was this close to getting some of that, that CEREAL.

There was the time when he dressed as a human and went to that secret meeting but was given away by the exposure of his fluffy white tail (I am still wondering how they accepted the ears).

Then there was the time he went to space and ancient times and even the jungle, but to no avail. You cannot even imagine the rabbits pain.

There are times when you don’t get what you want but you survive; now think of the rabbit. Over 50 YEARS of chasing his only hearts desire, the reason he lives, and NEVER getting it.

Can you even begin to understand his pain, his utter grief? He is such a funny little rabbit, not silly, as those demonic little children accuse him of being.

Despite all his efforts he never got any cereal; not even when the flavor berry-blue was added to the ever-so-popular flavors of orange. Cherry. Grape. Lemon. Lime. WHY?

Those heartless little children had so much cereal and they wouldn’t share. Even one little spoonful would have satisfied my little white friend’s craving for those delicious six flavors. But no!

"Trix aren’t for rabbits. Trix are for kids. Oh! The unbearable agonizing pain it has cost me. That one simple phrase "silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

For the fourteen antagonizing years of my short but cruel life I have watched helplessly as those evil little children refused to share. I’ve seen the pain in his eyes grow from when he was a black and white toon to the five-color symbol of melancholy, infinite sadness he is now.

No More! In a matter of moments I will be taken up into the ship following the glorious Hale-Bopp and with the help of some friends I. WILL. FEED. THE. RABBIT! Feed him to his hearts desire so he can finally enjoy the pleasure of the orange, cherry, grape, lemon, lime, and new wildberry blue.

I can’t wait to see the look on their moronic little faces as I feed the rabbit! He will be happy as I, when I give Trix to the rabbit and kill the kids! Who’s with me?

Sianara,

You Know Who

P.S. If you happen to find 496 Trix cereal tops and over 2,546 Betty Cocker points. You will know that I haven’t failed. Oh yeah, trade them in for a 7’ by 4’ by 2’ life size replica of the Trix Rabbit.

Upset is unhealthy


The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

Solving a problem

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Fixing an ailment


In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

 ;D   ;D   ;D  Dreamweaver, I wondered where you were going with the hokey pokey.  And, now, it must be shrink day.

_______________________
The Golfer

A murder has been committed.

Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."   ;D

REPEAT SERVICE

A police officer pulled a young woman over for speeding and politely asked to see her license.

"Why don't you cops get your act together," she said in a huff. "Yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!"   ;D

THE PISTOL RANGE

Ernie, not the brightest rookie at the police academy, was at the pistol range. He was given some instruction, a pistol, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target.

The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

Ernie looked at his weapon and then at the target again. He looked at the pistol again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, where upon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"  (Old Groaner)   ;D

COPS AND KIDS

It was the end of the day when the officer parked his police van in front of the station.

As he was gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and it was then that the officer spotted the little red haired boy staring at him.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," the policeman replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"   ;D

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!

Get it???   ;D

Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"

What do you call 2 orthopedic doctors reading an EKG?
A double blind study!!!!

I know arggggggggg!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?"
The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?
It was cordless!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. to patient: "Well, Mrs. Jones, I'm afraid you're not quite as sick as we'd hoped."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

Late one night the doctor's wife was home alone, after her husband had been called to the hospital for an emergency. The doorbell rings, and she answers.

"Is the doctor at home?" asks the man at the door, in a very hoarse and quiet voice due to his aching throat.

"No, c'mon in!" whispers the doctor's wife in return.

A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately, he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect.
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, "I'll take door #3!" "Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSES' Hell!"

THIS WON'T HURT A BIT: E.J. Mallory, an American Army dentist assigned to occupied Japan after World War II, was asked to make a set of dentures for Gen. Hideki Tojo, who was imprisoned awaiting trial for war crimes. Mallory, knowing who the dentures were for, inscribed a Morse code message into the false teeth of the man who approved the surprise attack on Hawaii that brought the U.S. into the war: "Remember Pearl Harbor". Mallory said recently the gag "wasn't anything done in anger. It's just that not many people had the chance to get those words into his mouth." A ham radio operator, Mallory used code instead of block letters to keep the message hidden. But the secret leaked out within weeks, and Mallory had to wake Tojo in the middle of the night to remove the phrase. The next morning, when an officer demanded to know "Is there any truth in this report that `Remember Pearl Harbor' is inscribed in the dentures?", Mallory was able to truthfully answer, "No Sir!" (AP) ...He took the words right out of my mouth.

The Nineteenth Hole

Three physicians are out golfing - then, a sudden storm, a bolt of lightning, choir music in the background: you know the routine.

St. Peter says to the first of the trio: "You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."

The first one says: "Uh, well, I graduated second in my class from Yale, and decided to devote my career to the prevention of lazy-eye blindness in children. I've written more than twenty papers on the subject, have lectured at every medical society in the world, and was awarded the Nobel prize for medicine in recognition of my contributions, small as they were."

Peter looks at him and says: "Hell, I don't even need to call on you, I read some of your lectures myself. You're in!"

Sound of trumpets, gates open, angels carry him inside. "See you guys at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder.

Peter says to the second of the trio: "OK, you're next. You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."

Number two clears his throat and speaks quietly: "I, uh, didn't have the illustrious career of my fellow, but I can honestly say that I lived a good and productive life, and that I never cheated anybody or bent the rules to make my job easier. Come to think of it, I should also mention that I've spent one day a month at the free clinic for the past twenty-three years, helping to assure proper neo-natal and pre-natal care for disadvantaged mothers and children."

Peter looks at him and says: "Hmmm..." He picks up the gold plated telephone, says "Yes, sir", and listens for a moment: then nods, puts the phone down and says "The boss says the free clinic counts for a lot, and he'll let you slide on the affair with what's-his-name's secretary: you're in, too."

Sound of trumpets, yadda yadda, same routine. "See you at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder.

"OK", says the Archangel, "third ones the charm. How about you?"

The last doctor straightens his back, looks him in the eye and speaks: "I realized very early on that my expertise was as a people manager, and I've made a solid career by forging proactive alliances between doctors, nurses, patients, and other health care professionals. I managed the Wall street Community Health Plan for seventeen years, and during my stay I formed the first Tiger teams in health care management, combining professionals from all areas of expertise to contain health care costs and establish realistic levels of care and service on a going forward basis. During my tenure at WCHP, the average cost of care per patient declined over sixty-four percent."

Saint Peter raises an eyebrow, and then the phone chimes: he lifts it slowly. "Yes, sir. Yes, sir, sixty-four percent". After a moment more, he smiles, and says "of course, sir, that's very fair."

"The boss says you can come in, too", he tells the much-relieved executive.

The gates slide open, the trumpets blare, the angels come out, and then Peter intones:

"Oh, by the way - the head guy only authorized a two-day stay."

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?

Doctor: Sell!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: A shoebox.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor: D id you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

Patient: What pills?

 ;D   ;D   ;D - Dreamweaver, I needed those laughs.
______________________

My Wife:

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

New Baby:

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Sleeping at Work
Here are the twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk!

25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, do you?!"

21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

19. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."

10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

9. "I was working smarter-not harder."

8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

7. "I'm in the management training program."

6. "The coffee machine is broken."

5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "Its okay. I'm still billing the client."

1. "... and I especially want to thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."

Yes 2 sleeping on the job................



Sleeping on the job
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Photographer works
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Mistakes on a resume
These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

Play the Office Game
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

Evaluation comments
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

 ;D   ;D   ;D  Good ones Dreamweaver.

My wife just handed me a whole stack of jokes that teachers pass around, so I may have some funny stuff when I get a chance to go through it. In the meantime, I do have a couple more groaners.   :D

______________________

Shock:

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."
_________________________

People without kids don't have a clue about cars and nightmares.   :D  

Name Your Child:

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, "The first one was a girl."

The mother: "What did you name her?!?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The second one was a boy."

The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"

Brother: "Denephew."

Bad Bus Trip:

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Dad Said WHAT????


10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain disrespectful attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

You Might Be a Bad Cook If...

Your microwave display reads "TILT!" :P

You know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

Leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock pot nine days old tastes like. /Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

Your family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.

If the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red "biohazard" symbols.

When you BBQ two of your kids hold water guns and the third has the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

You Might Be a Bad Cook If...

Pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

The smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.

Your family buys Rolaids, Pepto Bismal, and Tums in bulk.

Your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop.

The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.

Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

Your tuna noodle broccoli surprise melts plastic and silverware.

You used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan!

You look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.

You call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw.

If anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yogurt.

The family pets are no where to be found during dinner.

The dotty old man asked his dotty old wife to make him a hot fudge sundae. She went to the kitchen and returned with a plate of scrambled eggs. He got really upset and yelled,


"Where's my bacon?!"

A couple had been married fifteen years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Honey, your butt is getting big. I bet it is as big as the gas grill now." The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size!"

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey?" How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked. She replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie, do you?"

The blonde man was crying at the bar, and the bartender gave him a free drink. "What's the trouble?" asked the friendly bartender.

"I got kicked out of chef school," replied the blonde. "They said I gave them the oldest excuse in the book, and all I did was tell the truth."

"What did you say?" asked the bartender.

To which the chef student answered, "I told them my dog ate my homework."

Wife: The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
Husband: Which is this?


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Newlywed: Do you want dinner?
Spouse: Sure, what are my choices?
Newlywed: Yes and no.


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"My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat."
- Rodney Dangerfield

This man comes home from work and his wife whines, "Honey, the dishwasher is broken." He says to her, "Who do I look like - the Whirlpool man?"

A few weeks later, the husband comes home from work and his wife whines, "Honey, the washing machine is broken." He says, "Who do I look like - the Maytag man?"

Another few weeks pass and he comes home from work and she whines, "Honey, the stove is broken." The husband answers, "Who do I look like - the Kenmore man?"

A few more weeks pass. When he comes home from work, his wife looks pretty happy. So he asks her, "What's the matter? Isn't anything broken?"

"No," she says, "Mr. Johnson from next door came over and fixed everything, and all I had to do to repay him was either bake him a cake or go to bed with him."

So what kind of a cake did you make him?" inquired the husband. To which the wife replied, "Who do I look like - Betty Crocker!?!"

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer / ice cold pop.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

This guy was watching television as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He went out to ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day, looking at the babes in the tight spandex, doing their exercises. She shot back at him, "Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I was."

So, he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak, baked potato, and a large glass of iced tea. She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked, "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?" To which he replied, "I thought you were dead..."

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."

The bands are now marked: "Fish and Wildlife Service."

Kitchen Plaques

1. Kitchen closed - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service ... If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day ... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house ... but please don't write in it!

Definitions of Cooking Terms

Calorie:
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Coffee (Arabian):
Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint.

Microwave Oven:
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Oven:
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Preheat:
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Porridge:
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Recipe:
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.

Tongue:
A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt:
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

The one thing I've learned from all my years of cooking is that it's always quietest just before the fire alarm.


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A Thought: A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same.


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A baker quit making doughnuts because he got tired of the hole business.


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"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
- Steven Wright

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?  
It was stuck to the leg of a chicken !!!

Question: What did the egg say to the other egg?
Ans: Let's get cracking!

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You are too young to smoke!

 
Q:What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
A: Mooo-ve over.

 
Why can't you play cards on a small boat?
Because someone is always sitting on the deck!

 
What did the blanket say to the bed?
Don't worry, I've got you covered!

A few groaners to start the day.

Q: What gets bigger the more you take away?
A: A hole!

A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid."
The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her.
He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."

Why did the rooster cross the road?      
To prove he wasn't chicken !!

What gets wet the more you dry?
A towel  !!

A little boy asked his teacher one day, "Teacherdo you punish people for things they don't do?"
The teacher replied, "No". The little boy said, "Good, because I did not do my homework".

 
Man goes into hairdressers, he has only three hairs on his head, hairdresser says "what would you like done?" man says, "side parting please" tries that and a hair falls out, so man says, "just make it a middle parting; tries that and another hair falls out, hairdresser says sorry, man says it's ok, just leave it a mess

Why did the chicken cross the road?    
To show the raccoon it could be done !!

 

What did one volcano say to the other?
Do you lava me like I lava you?

 

Question: What has 4 wheels and flies?
Ans: garbage truck!

 
Can you answer this ?
 If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
     
Why do candle trimmers work so few days a week?
They only work on wick-ends!

 ;D   ;D   ;D  Thanks Dreamweaver - I needed those laughs. I'll try to do better and return the favor. I do have several jokes put in the computer from the jokes my wife's teacher friends pass around.

________________________

Good Mental Health Is A Must (***):

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.  When I came out there was a goofy motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.  So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.  So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!  I called him something related to horse exhaust.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.  My car was parked around the corner.

A Sweet Old Lady (****):

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the luncheons a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.  This story is a credit to all human kind.  Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.  All of my family has passed away.  I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.  God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.  The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to drop dead.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna Waters

Pretending To Be Married (****):

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over the side and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea!!" she replies.  "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow!  That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies.  "Get your own stupid blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he had a severe exhaust problem.

Well, the ladies will like this one. It will be time for a raiding party with them saying this one is the truth, not just a joke.   ;D
__________________________

Fine Wine (****):

Men are like fine wine.  They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the pulp out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

UM?? - I'm thinking that most of those teachers must be women.   ;D

____________________________

The Next Survivor Series (****):

Six men will be dropped on an island with:

1 car and 4 kids each for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There's only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 AM; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker, and get a 4 year-old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins...........only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years....... eventually earning the right to be called:

Farmer Joe and his Mule

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Deathbed Lawyer

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!




The bad thing is, I can see some lawyers doing this.  :'(

Sharing

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

Two questions

You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?".
"Absolutely! What’s the second question?"



I know.........GROAN..........

Dangerous Squirrels

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe’s first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob’s lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said "There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed."
"So then what did make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated. "Well," Joe continued, "two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat ’em now?""   ;D

Cow Pat Lip Gloss

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em."

Free Drink

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What’ll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That’ll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this."
A lawyer,bartender, "You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Baseball Heaven?


There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You’re pitching on Friday."

DW - you're killin' me here...  :D

Good here are some more...............

 Q.Why did the boy stand behind the horse?
A.He thought he might get a kick out of it!

Q.What is the difference between a horse and a duck?
A.One goes quick and the other goes quack!

 
 Q:How do you lead a horse to water?
A:With lots of carrots.

Q:What do you get when you cross a goat a donkey and a ram?
A:Simple.A nice big kick in the BBBButt.

Q: What disease do horses fear most?
A: Hay Fever!

"Some horses are so polite that when they come to a fence, they stop and let you go over first."

What is a horses favorite T.V. show?
Neeeebours

Q: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?
A: A zebra!

Q: Why can't horses dance?
A: Because they have 2 left feet.

Q: When do vampires like horse racing?
A: When it's neck and neck.

Q: What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
A: Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

Q: How long should a horse's legs be?
A: Long enough to reach the ground.

Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A: A tale of WHOA

There was a famous jockey that never lost a race.When asked how he achieved this, he replied, I whisper in the horse's ear: Roses are red, violets are blue. Horses that lose are made into glue.

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horsesback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!

An out-of-towner accidently drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow!
A talking greyhound!"

Q: What animal has more "hands" than feet?
A: Why, a horse, of course!

Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane.

Q: What do you call pony with a sore throat?
A: A little hoarse.

Q: What part of the horse has the most hair?
A: The outside!!!

Q: Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek"
Q: Who wrote it?
A: Major Bumsore  ;D

Q: What do you give a sick horse?
A: Cough stirrup.

Q: What's a horse's favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis

Q: Why did the horse go behind the tree?
A: To change his jockeys.

Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: How's your hay fever?

Q: What do you call it when you pass a tail, ears, mane and legs?
A: A horse.

Q: A man rode into town on June 3rd, stayed a week, and rode out on June 3rd.
How is this possible?
A: His horse's name was June 3rd.

Q: How to make a small fortune in the horse industry ...
A: start with a large fortune.

It was a sunny afternoon when Bob said to George,Hey, George, why don't we get ourselves 2 horses? We could ride them in the summer and in the winter we could put them in the paddock behind the house." George thought it was a great idea, so the next day they went out and bought themselves 2 horses. They rode them in the summer, but when winter came George got worried. He said "Hey, Bob, how are we going to tell them apart next spring?" Bob said, "Well, I'll shave the mane off mine and you shave the tail off yours." This satisfied George, so he did. The next spring when they went back to get their horses they found the horses' hair had all grown back. Alarmed, George said, "Oh great, now how are we going to tell them apart?" and Bob said, "Well, you can have the black one and I'll take the white one."

A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to bloody walk home."

 ;D   ;D   ;D  Dreamweaver - Thanks for the laughs!

All I have to respond with is a few groaners.
__________________________

3 COPS

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."

The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

Permit Required

While driving home from work one day, I was eating an apple. It wasn't until I tossed the core out the window that the police car came up behind me. The officer pulled me over, and as I was getting out my license, I joked that I was helping to clean up the roadside. The core would become a home for ants, which would pick up tiny bits of litter.

I was amazed he was nodding in agreement until he said, "So let's see your building permit."

(Old - but good)

BUBBA

Bubba was at the police station explaining to the officer why his cousin shot him.

"We wuz havin' us a real good time drinkin'," he explained, "when my cousin Billy Bob picked up his rifle and asked us fellas if we wanna go a huntin'."

"Okay," then what happened?" the officer asked.

"That's when I stood up and said, 'Sure. I'm game'!"

THE BUST

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her left breast hanging out.
A cop spotted her and walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"But why, Officer?" she asked.

"Well ma'am, because your left breast is hanging out of your blouse," he replied.

She quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my, I left the baby on the bus!"

LEROY THE PARTY ANIMAL

Leroy was spotted driving along the highway at a steady speed, when he suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the shoulder. He quickly jumped out of the car and opened the trunk. From a large bag, he produced a party hat, streamers, a bottle of lemonade, sandwiches and a cake. After eating the food and drinking the lemonade, he launched into a little Irish jig.

The whole proceedings lasted about fifteen minutes, after which he got back in his car and drove off.
Curious, the police followed him at a distance and half an hour later, they saw him stop and repeat the whole procedure. This was too much for the officers, so they decided to check him out.

"Can we ask you the reason for all the stops and the food, drink and Irish jigs?" one of the officers asked.

"Well, sir," explained Leroy, "I'm on the company's outin'."

"But you're the only one here," argued the officer.

"Yeah, I know," replied Leroy. "I'm self-employed!"

Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation


10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

6. He talks to himself.  Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".

5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

DUI

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

(Old one but good one)

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

In Hot Pursuit

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."