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I have always been an optimistic person. I have been saved since I was a teenager and I am a senior citizen now.
But I am in the depths of depression. I pray and ask God to help me. My biggest problem is my pastor husband. I've tried to support most everything he has wanted to do and done. But I need his affection. I need an arm around my shoulder and a kiss on the cheek. He told me years ago that he wasn't attracted to me because I was too heavy. Hence, I ate when I needed love. I got morbidly obese. I had weight loss surgery in April of this year. I've lost 70 lbs and am only obese now. I'm not that big.
I told him that I needed to be shown affection, but he has withheld it to spite me for something I don't even know what I've done. Now, I don't even care whether I wake up. My joy has been taken from me. I know its Satan working.
He has always kinda bullied me, saying if I don't do this or that he will divorce me and usually threatens it at least twice a year. I try to be good and if I don't immediately do what he wants, will in the long run.
Its just at this time in my life, I don't want to divorce, although I wouldn't mind separating. I know he would miss all the things I do for him.
He is threatening to retire this next year, and I don't think I could stand him being home all the time. dictating to me what to do and getting mad if I don't do it when he wants it done.
That said, he is good to everyone else and has been a good provider, but I have worked all our married life.
He wanted me to tell my parents if we put their home in my name that we would keep them out of the nursing home. We sold a 9 room home and moved to a 3 room mobile home and my folks stayed in their home. Dad broke a hip and passed away. Mom was disabled and we moved in with her. She had some spells and we had to put her in the nursing home a few times. The last time she was home, she stood uip, lost her balance and fell breaking her hip. She never returned home. She passed in 2003. Now he is wanting to sell the home because his name isn't on it. That was what he insisted on, the home being in my name.
We bought a mobile home in a campground to get away when we had someone at home to care for mom. I put a lot of my pension money in it and worked very hard in it and bought possessions for it, furniture, dishes, etc. We wrote up a will. My stepdaughter would inherit the mobile home so that my children would inherit my part of my folks farm. Well, he decided to sell it and go ahead and give her the money for it. She is her mother's only heir. I felt that she shouldn't have gotten it until he died, my kids will not get anything until I pass and my insurance lists him as the only heir.
So there is a lot of stuff that probably adds to my depression. But I am willing to put up with stuff for only 5 minutes a day and being treated well. He has told me to shut up and called me a liar in the last 3 weeks. I don't think he ever did that before.
He is a recovered alcoholic. He drank until he got saved in 1978 and then didn't drink until we moved over by my folks. Mom was enough to drive a normal person to drink at times. But I think a pastor should be able to resist. He started drinking about 3 or 4 gallons a week. Then just within the last year, he quit again, except for when he went out of town. He told me he was going to quit that. I told him I didn't want to go to his Christmas party if he was going to drink because it hurt my heart. He has a secular job, besides the pastor job.
But basically, he is a good man. But when I try to communicate with him, he tells me I am attacking him. there is no one I can talk to. I don't want to run him down to people who know him. I dont' want to ruin his reputation.
I may see about going to a psychologist in January, if I can wait that long. I've tried to get him into counseling, but he says, talk to me, I'll counsel you. But then its the same old, same old. I've been thinking about taking an overdose, as my sadness way outweighs my good feelings. And it would be so easy to please me and make me happy. I'm just sick inside.
i want respect and dignity and don't know how to get it. I know I deserve it. When I told him I was thinking of suicide, he told me "they will probably think I did it", so that pretty well tells me that there is no use.
If anyone can offer me any advice, please feel free to do so. I just can't take it much longer.

Sister, there is all kinds of abuse that a person can go through. Verbal, mental abuse is usually not the end of it. It usually escalates from there. I would seriously say that is what is happening with you. Abuse is a serious situation and one that should not be taken lightly. Do not subject yourself to it. You are putting yourself in grave danger if you do.

I will say what I have said many times before. Get some one on one counselling from a good Christian counsellor even if he won't go with you and take action to protect yourself from any abuse.

He has never touched me, only verbal abuse. But I am going to try to find someone to talk to who is out of state. He would be so mad if he even knew I was discussing this on the computer.
I would love to go to counseling. But if I cannot say what is bothering me, it won't help to go together. I love the ministry. I love teaching, studying, praying, helping people.
But it does help to just vent. I really don't want to run him down. He has lead many souls to God and has baptized many believers. Most of them tend to almost idolize him. A very good friend of mine thinks that I am so lucky to have him. I would be, if he wasn't spiteful. I'm sure I have given him reason to get mad at me at times.
I will not jump up and do something immediately when I am in the midst of something.