ChristiansUnite Forums

To be like Christ, husbands must know the love of the Father.

Many men struggle with feelings of inadequacy. They don't know if they have what it takes. To deal with this fear they either become passive or violent. A high-achieving or driven man is just another form of a violent man.

What a man desires more than anything is the approval and love of his father. Most men have been wounded by their fathers. That is why they seek out a woman, hoping that her love will release them from their fears and wounds. Thus they give a woman the power to validate them. In doing that, of course, they also give her the power to control and destroy them.

Many men enter into marriage seeking to be loved and validated. Thereby they reverse the order of Paul's word in Ephesians, and invert the way of relating that God intended. God calls men to love rather than be loved. If a husband becomes dependent on his wife's love, he will not act independently to love her like Christ; he will not risk conflict, since he fears the loss of her affections; and he will not assume the role of leadership and headship in the way that God intended.

A woman's love will never be enough for a man, because she can never give him the validation he longs for. He must find love and validation from God the Father. The Father's love is what freed Jesus to love mankind and to offer up his life. He could set the agenda because he was free from the acceptance and approval of others. In order to be like Christ, and in order to be free to love their wives, husbands must also know the love of the Father.

My wife shared last week about how marriage revealed her controlling nature, and that giving up control has become the essence of her journey, not just in marriage but in her relationship with God. In the same way, marriage revealed my deep longings for a father's love. Finding this love has been the essence of my journey, not just in marriage, but with God too. God will actually thwart a husband's ability to be validated by his wife so that he will find his deepest longings in the Father. If you are a single man, you do not need to be married to begin this journey. The best thing you can do for your future spouse is to start knowing the Father's love right now.

...cont`d...excellent link guys, check it out

http://www.pbcc.org/sermons/hanneman/1335.html

Thanks good message

Brother Love :)

Oklahoma Howdy to IrishAngel,

First, I try to do what God tells me to do. Second, I try to do what my wife tells me to do. As a result, I've been married for over 30 years.   :D

In all seriousness, thanks for sharing that with us. A lot of grief would be avoided if the marriage instructions in the Holy Bible were studied often and followed. The real definition of "Love" is in the Holy Bible.

In Christ,
Tom

Thanks, bep.  Right on.

Thanks Irish.  Good one.   :)

I find much of your post and the originating sermon found on the link to have some very interesting Bible teaching.  When the sermon (and your quotes, below) branches to modern "psychobable," is where I become very uncomfortable.   :o  

the semon has taken the position that most men are inately violent and aggressive because they are internally flawed in a manner that women are not...  Folks that espouse this state that high achieving men or "driven men" are sublimating or transferring their aggressive streak to their business or their sports, etc.  

Combining this with "need for father's approval/love" and "wounded by one's father" as a source of this violence is also part of the postion espoused by many: "Men are inately evil & violent."

I find this interpretation for the reasons why MEN do evil (in their marriages & business and to their children, wives and friends) to be a simplistic and ERRONEOUS insult!  

To use obviously limited valid points ("many men...") coupled very general broad truths ("struggle with feelings of inadequacy...") to justify this theoretical position ultimately discredits the sermon and the attempted counseling.  

If your position is that all males are inherently evil, there is no hope for them to change.  

The BIBLICAL reality is that we all are broken people in need of a healer, male and female.  WE ALL struggle with feelings of inadequecy BECAUSE we truely are inadequate, in & of ourselves to deal with the problems in our culture, our world, our spouse's needs, our family's needs, etc.  

While a few men have taken their frustration out on their loved ones, branding all of us is unfair as well as confusing the issue.  When one confuses the real issue, one CANNOT provide any valid solution to the problems.  

I, for one, do not seek my natural father's love and approval, as he has consistently reassured me of his love.  His approval depends on the honor and ethics of my behavior.  This seems to mirror the Heavenly father.   I, however, am well aware that I "do not have what it takes," and am NOT more violent because of my inadequacy.

I do not accept the position that all men who were deeply wounded by their earthly father seek to replace this loss and fill the wound /need with a wife's love.  A man that would do this will seek a dominant woman and be relatively comfortable being obedient.  


My interpretation on Men's reasons for abusing those around them (family, friends, associates, strangers, etc.) is:

Men are sinful creatures who are subject to sinful desires.  We are broken spiritually.  We are also weak and crippled in spirit, soul and mind.  We can only do what we have been taught, what we learn and what we choose to beleive.  Many have risen above tough childhood situations to become rich & powerful.  However, we all are limited to the choices we make and the results of those choices.  

many of us have been taught by our culture that our maleness (i.e. testosterone) that we will be prone to violence and aggression.  Many, today, have been taught situational ethics, secular humanism, sexual-oriented Darwinism (males are evil but necessary), and other reasons for our mistakes.  These are all the WORLD's ideas that DO NOT PROVIDE anything constructive, only justification for continued mistakes.

the bottom line is that each male needs a savior to begin the process of healing our inate brokenness FIRST.  Second, we each need to follow Christ's example and live each day in fellowship with Him to continue the healing process and to begin learning a new way of life.  

If I follow the example of Christ as shown in the Bible, New Testament, Old Testament and the Gospels, I will treat my wife and children much better...  My behavior will change as Jesus changes my heart.  My heart will change as I read and study the Bible and live in fellowship with Jesus.  

I think that was a really good statement concerning men and marriage, and dealing with leadership within the household.  I am not married, and Im not even on that road, but it is good to prepare beforehand.

"psychobable"  ;D


where ?

Oklahoma Howdy to Shylynne,

I've never met a woman with flaws.   ;D   ;D   ;D  Any man who thinks otherwise must be out of his mind. All women are innocent, never cause any trouble, and are never at fault in domestic disputes. Women are incapable of aggression, especially with a man.   ;D   ;D   ;D   WHEW!!!!!  (NOT!!)

I think and know that the single biggest problem that leads to broken homes is not having CHRIST as the head of the home. A man and a woman can't experience what God intended for marriage unless they are both yielded first to CHRIST, and then to each other in a Biblical way.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Any man who thinks otherwise must be out of his mind. ;D