ChristiansUnite Forums

A few years before I married, I moved a couple hours away from what had always been "home." I started scoping out the new turf in the most logical locale: the mall. One day, while walking down the main drag at a pretty good clip, I popped my purse-sized lotion out and started thumping the bottle so I could take care of my dry hands while still mapping out the lay of the mall. Thump, thump, thump—nothing. More thumps. Still nothing. I examined the bottle and found that bothersome circular piece of cardboard stuck over the opening. (Can anyone tell me what that's for?)

I figured a little squeeze would loosen it, but it didn't. So I gave it a big squeeze. The bottle blew the cardboard off like a baby bazooka! Giant lotion bombs were lobbed all over my face, hanging from my lashes, globbing my hair—not my favorite Kodak moment.

The worst of it was there was no one there with whom to laugh, no friend to make fun of me. Laughing with a friend over a lotion explosion is a hoot. Laughing alone with lotion dripping out your nose causes other shoppers to move swiftly to the other side of the mall. I needed a bud.

That's when it hit me. I was face to lotion-covered face with a friendship famine. I don't know when I've felt more lonely. Soft, but lonely.

Young or "mature," single or married, we all face times in our life when we hunger for a friend. Life's changing circumstances can result in lean friendship times. A job change, a new location, a marriage, a divorce, a death—even a difference of opinions or faith—can throttle a relationship and launch an anxious time of relational famine. What can we do when we find ourselves starving for a friend?

Relocating and Refriending

Laura Jones was accustomed to friend and family feasts. But she experienced a heartfelt loneliness when she left her family and friends in Texas and headed to her new job in St. Louis without knowing a soul.
Laura was listening to a local call-in radio show one evening and heard a caller talking about the church she attended. It takes real guts to step into a new place, but Laura stepped out of her comfort zone and into this new church the next Sunday. She didn't go to church just for the friends, but she didn't let the awkward feeling of not knowing anyone keep her from going.

Through the church's singles' class, she's made some great friends her age who share her beliefs and goals. Laura started attending every singles' gathering available and introducing herself to people there. She in-vested time in getting to know them—and now she's even investing time in helping to plan some class events. Her investments have paid off in some close friendship dividends.

Laura realized a bud might not just pop up like a toaster tart. She was ready to do the work to search out a friend. While Laura found hers at church, a reading group, a craft class, or some other gathering of people with like interests might also be great places to meet a new pal.

Fast-Food Friends
I've recently discovered there's a season of life that unfolds entirely in the car. When my five children became old enough to have "lives," mine seemed to disappear into my minivan. "Living" in my car can make for some scant friendship times. When every minute is in-vested in the kids' schedules, there's no time left for lunch with a friend or even a chat on the phone.
But I met Cindy at my son's junior-high basketball game. I'd been busy delivering my kids in 14 different directions. So had Cindy. We found we had a lot in common.

Even though my schedule leaves little room for socializing, finding other moms with the same busyness, the same interests, and the same "bleacher-bun syndrome" has provided a great way to keep my schedule without leaving out companionship. I've seen other moms running in similar circles who've found understanding friends at ballet recitals, baseball games, band concerts, and play groups.

While many of us struggle when our kids require every moment of free time, others struggle when work devours every spare minute. And many of us grapple with both. During those busy times, we often zip through the drive-thru for some fast food. In the same way, when we don't have time for the most intimate friendship moments, there's always time to squeeze in a nice exchange along the way, just as Cindy and I did. But we have to be on the lookout for those opportunities and snarf them up. It can be as energizing as a burger and fries—and without the fat!

Battle of the Blues
Gina Waits has a toddler and two school-aged children. When she found herself so wrapped up in kids and babies that she was talking baby-talk to her husband, she experienced a real craving for a bud. But with the little ones requiring so much of her time and energy, searching one out has been a problem. No matter how she's tried to find the time, she's found it too tough to build real friendships in this season of life. She's been tempted to sink into some friendship blues.
To fend off the melancholies, Gina keeps a stash of photos of friends. On lonely days, she pulls them out. They help her remember she's had some great friendships in the past—just in case she's tempted to think her friendship famine's somehow about her and not her situation. The photos encourage her to keep looking ahead.

When the kids are a little older and there are fewer demands, Gina will be able to call an acquaintance from PTA to meet her at the mall. She'll have the chance to serve on some of those committees and make the uninterrupted calls that just aren't happening while she has little ones. Just knowing she'll be able to do those things in the future gives her a good dose of hope while she endures her lean friendship time now.

Don't Dessert
I noticed a lady eating alone in a restaurant not long ago. She didn't have anyone with her to tell her she had that spinach-in-the-teeth thing happening. I wanted to tell her, but that's really not the kind of thing you tell a perfect stranger. When I saw her head for the ladies' room, I was sure she'd take care of it while she was there. She did—but now she had toilet paper trailing be-hind one shoe!
I tried to get to her. I'm not sure what I was going to say: "Hi, my name's Rhonda and you've got toilet paper on your shoe." Probably not the most impressive social contact. But she was too fast for me anyway. Before I could get there, she was out the door, toilet paper fluttering after her. I would've had to tackle her in the parking lot to befriend her. The real puzzler was that she left without even having dessert—and the special was fudgecake! Now that's sad.

I think the woman needed a friend that day. Maybe she needed to stick around long enough to allow for a friendship to develop.

The next time you're starved for a friend, remember to look toward the friendship opportunity that may be ready to tackle you. Don't give up on finding a bud. Hanging in there is like sticking around for dessert. And good friends are better than fudgecake.

Rhonda Rhea, a speaker and freelance writer, lives in Missouri.

Great Ways to Find a Friend

Find a cause. Get involved in a worthwhile project that tugs at your heart (Habitat for Humanity, a community clean-up project, etc.). You'll find people there with a similar heart. And you'll accomplish something meaningful in the midst of your friendship hunt.

Find a church. Get plugged into a church that believes as you do. Be sure you make it to the small groups (such as Sunday school) and the extra activities offered for your age group—even if you're shy. You can grow socially, spiritually, and emotionally.

Find a class. Aerobics, crafts, college-credit courses all offer a place to meet people with common interests, which makes it easier to strike up conversation and build a friendship.

Find a club. Play groups and other organized functions for children can help you find friends while your kids do, too.

Find a committee. If you have good leadership skills, jumping into a job in a church or civic organization is a wonderful way to connect. Working side-by-side with people can forge close friendships while accomplishing a worthy objective.

 :D Great! I'm kind of pathetic, though - I want friends, but I suffocate at classes, clubs, committees, causes, and, sad to say, even church...the "Introverts Five Deadly C's" lol. (Of course, the sixth "C", chatrooms, is a little less scary...)

I have been there, but now I have a church where I am involved and I love it.  There are days when I feel lonely and wish I had some one to do things with, but that is a different story  :)

Hi Butterflywings,
Right now I'm looking for a church home and I thought I was going to have to go alone to visit one this coming Sun. But, now I think my hubby will go with me.  I was brought up in a very close church family and I miss it so much.  

When I was a young and now in mid-life I know that the church is not the building - it is where two or three are gathered together - to worship and follow the teachings of Christ Jesus.  So I will be patient until the Lord shows me a place to worship with other Christians.

I was curious though about the way you phrased that you are involved with church activities but are lonely sometimes, then you said "that's another story.  If you wish, please clarify.  No pressure.

Yours in Christ, Sissy

I wish I had more friends. I'm in college, and the vast majority of time I find myself alone, alone, alone.  :'( Hopefully, I'll be graduating in December. I've always been kinda a lonely person. :-[

I'm a loner too, Rita!  It isn't the same as having face-to-face contact with a human, but I'll be glad to talk with you anytime!

Thanks, Willowbirch. ;)

Haha, I kind of have the opposite problem, I wish some people would just leave me alone! I’m not naturally very trusting, so it takes time for me to trust/know someone, and as impossible as it may sound, in the mean time, I wish they would leave me be. Sometimes I wish I was in “the group” who hangs at the dorms, and has all the fun. Comes in to class everyone day talking about how great the other night was. I think everyone desires this to some point. Humans travel in packs, it is only natural for us to want to have “the tribe” of our own. Even Jesus has his clan, his 12 man in-crowd.

Life can get lonely at time. We have to keep in mind this loneliest we feel is superficial. This kind of loneliest is a product of our flesh, as are most of the “emotions“ we feel. That is why we need Jesus. To knock out all the silly emotion and such. At the risk of sounding like an Episode of “Adventures in Odyssey,” we are never TRULY lonely with Jesus.

 ;) Thanks, Tibby!

 :)

One thing that I learned was that some people are in your life for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. The best way to find long term friendship is to be able to differentiate between the three. The one that seems to never goes away, and is healthy not only for you but also for the other person no matter what, is usually lifetime, but can also sometimes be season. God sends people into our life to make a difference and to help us or them in a time of need. The first scripture after salvation that I learned was if you want friends first make yourself friendly. That does not mean for you to be a comfort mat for people to grab whenever they have a problem. If you are having problems making friends and keeping them, make sure you have learned to love yourself first, God does not want you to get used or use someone else for personal gain. God wants you to first be in relationship with him, then yourself, then others. Check and see if you are a needy person, always in need of something, whether it is help, or just in need to help someone else, either way an imbalance is not good and is an abomination unto God. I had to learn the hard way. Take time out and appreciate who you are and who God made you. Then when others are around you won't need to fit in. You are already in. There is nothing worst than seeing someone try to fit a watermelon into an apple. It just won't fit. But if the watermelon knows it is a watermelon and is excited and confident about being one then it won't have to fit in, because all the other fruit will admire its uniqueness. When this happens and no fruit is uncomfortable with who they are, or what they have then if the watermelon fall, the other fruit will gather around to help in anyway, and if the other fruit falls then the watermelon will do they same. One other thing that I would like to point out is that all fruit needs space to grow. I pray that this helps in any way. The bottom line is the best friend that you can have is you, and when you can be your own best friend, God will send you someone. It was after I learned to love me that one of my closest friends came into my life. Needless to say she prayed and told the Lord that He was great but she needed someone on earth too. He sent her me, but we realized that it wasn't one sided, I needed her as much as she needed me. Growing up was the same way. I have one friend that we have been friends since the 1st grade and havent' found a reason to argue or get on each others nerves. We have a comforting friendship, If no one else understands what we go through, we are there for each other, consoling and laughing, getting angry at situations then praying about them, or praying about them before they occur. This friendship requires no work, my other friendship does, she wasn't trusting when we met and it took about 4-5 years to fully gain her trust, we get on each others nerves all the time, but no without a shadow of a doubt that we can depend on each other. Well, let me stop babbling. I pray that when God sends you a true friend that you have a wonderfull time nurishing it as it nurishes you. May the Lord our God Bless you and Keep you. In the Name of Christ Jesus I pray.

Thank you, Hunibuni!

Wow, Hunibuni, that was an awsome word of advice you gave. Gives me something to think about. I am a stay at home mom, and i don't drive so i get lonely alot. That is why i came here :). but you are right, i need to do some soul searching. I do have one friend from where i used to live, California. we don't talk to each other every day, but we do make an effort to keep in touch. it has been a "roller coaster" of a friendship, but we figure we have worked so hard at it, we should keep in touch ;D

I need a friend.  Since I cannot work away from home, I like to email friends, but many of them don't have time to email me for 2-3 weeks.  By that time the things that I said are  history and not important any more.  At that rate, I might as well send it snail mail.  

In Christ,
Berean

Berean, I know what you're going through; I've never gone through catastrophic trials, but I've either lost or drifted away from dear friends due to normal circumstances of life. I have always been the letter-writer, and not many of my friends are that way.
I get deeply attached to people and places; each time we've moved to a new home, a chunk of my heart stayed behind. I hurt deeply. I have only recently begun to understand that the reason I was so desperate to maintain communication while my friends were not, was because I had left them; while I was trying to adjust to a strange new life, they still had their old one, and my leaving didn't affect them the same as it did me. *Sigh* Sorry, I'm babbling!  ;D What I meant to say was, "I'd love to be your friend, Berean!"

Just watch out; I may keep in contact a little too much, lol!  ::)

Hi there!  

Robin Jones Gunn, the Christian author, has just started a new book series called Sisterchicks for Christian friends! Buddies!  Sisters!

Her revamped website has a brand new community message board with a bunch of Christian chicks looking for ... FRIENDS!

http://www.sisterchicks.com - You all should check it out!

Hm, sounds very friendly... ;)

I've looked at the website, but could you provide more information? Is there a specific theme or religion involved, or is it just a spot for people to go and find penpals?  ???

I have done the same thing.
 I was it seemed the one to always make the move and encourage them when things were not going well for them.

When things picked up then I may not get an e-mail back at all so I would e-mail them all over again.

 I finally decided my friendship did not mean as much to them as it did to me.
I just decided to let it go and if they want me they know how to get a hold of me.
 I just finally decided to move on. :-[

To a certain extent, I agree with you - sometimes it seems like we can dump so much love into someone, and they enjoy us for a little while and then ignore us.

I don't think they do this on purpose. God has given us so many different "personality types", and it is a fascinating study. Some people truly treasure friendships, but can't remember to send cards, to respond to us, etc. Its their nature. It doesn't always mean they are trying to shut us out, although this can happen.

There are four distinct personality types (with, obviously, various combinations of the four!) One of these "types" tend to write letters, keep in touch, do thoughtful things, etc. They can't help it. Its engraved in their system. Its so meaningful to them, whereas other folks don't seem to understand the necessity of all that.

I remember birthdays, anniversaries and other such occasions; I send cards for various holidays. Whenever I receive a letter, I promptly sit down and scribble a reply, and its hard for me to keep it short.

My friends don't understand. One has not written in years, and only emails "now and then". She loves me, though, and is overjoyed if I can manage to visit.

Another friend has requested that I "space out my letters"; apparently she feels guilty when I send a reply immediately after I receive her cards. I know she's my friend, as well.

Don't ditch a friendship just because its hard to communicate. You might have to put up with some silence (sigh) but find out their true intentions. They may just have a "personality type" that makes it hard for them to write.

If anyone is interested in info on Personality Types, I'd be glad to recommend some sources (many of them Christian.)