Problem With Euphemisms

A little boy walks into the living room where his parents are entertaining a large gathering of their friends and loudly announces, "Mommy, I have to poop!"

The mother takes the boy to the bathroom and says, "Now, Billy, the next time you have to go to the bathroom , say, 'Mommy, I have to whisper.'"

"Okay," says the boy.

That night little Billy wakes up at 3:00 AM and goes to his parents' bedroom where they are sound asleep.

He goes up to his mother and says, "Mommy, I have to whisper."

The mother drowsily replies, "I'm too tired now.  Go whisper in Daddy's ear.  

Wife Control

There were three blokes talking in the pub.  Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you.  Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.""

The first two blokes were amazed.  "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."  

Dreamweaver Said:

Blackeyepeas,
I know you remember the "Hokey Pokey."  

     Yes, but mine was the Dead Sea Scrolls version. Shakespeare was a new guy who caused lots of trouble.
___________________________

Take my wife, please!
By the late, great Henny Youngman.


A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"
__________

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
__________

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
__________

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week,  we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
__________

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
__________

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
__________

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
__________

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
__________

My wife has a black belt in shopping.
__________

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
__________

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
__________

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
__________

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
__________

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.  Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
__________

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
__________

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
__________

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
__________

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
__________

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
__________

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
__________

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
__________

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
__________

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
__________

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Brother BEP - what are some of your links (the URL)?

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother JudgeNot,

I use Live365 for all of my music. I think that it is the biggest and has the most choices. I have dial-up, so I thought I wouldn't have many choices, but I was wrong. It's:

http://www.live365.com/

They have hundreds of choices for the slow and old dial-up modems and thousands of choices for broadband and cable.

One of my favorites is called All Quartets. I guess my second favorite would be Bluegrass Gospel. All Quartets is beautiful and old Gospel music mainly from the 50s and 60s. I think that some of the Bluegrass Gospel is much older than that. There was a time when large numbers of people worked long days in the fields picking, planting, cultivating, etc. Bluegrass Gospel is some of the music they sang while they worked. At the end of a hard day, they added instruments (i.e. lead guitar, bass guitar, banjo, mandolin, bass fiddle, violin, harmonica, and piano if they were real lucky).    A lot of the instruments were home made. I've heard it both ways, with and without the store-bought instruments.  I like both of them.

Love In Christ,
Tom
 

Allinall Said:

Nope.  That would have been good, honest competition, as opposed to gender-benefitted speakage wherein, as a male, I am genetically incapable of speaking/writing so much.  Shame really.  Women can communicate so much better and to a far greater capacity than a man.  I was doomed to begin with.  Oh well.  There's always football!  

Oklahoma Howdy to Allinall,

Brother, I hate to be the bearer of bad news.    I believe that Oklahoma still has a semi-pro women's football team in Oklahoma City. I might be able to make arrangements for you to get some experience on the line in one of their practice sessions. However, I couldn't bear to watch the mayhem. We'll send flowers to the hospital if you survive.    I would suggest that you line up against one of their centers and get all of the pain and agony over with quickly, all at once. UM!! - I can almost visualize one of them carrying you under one arm to the ambulance.  

We do win every now and then, but not very often. I just won a few minutes ago with my wife. I was in trouble, so she painted a circle on the carpet, put me in it, and commanded me not to get out of it. She went to another part of the house, heard me laughing, and came back in. She asked me what I was laughing about confined to the circle. I hollered that I got out of that circle three times and she didn't catch me. Well, now she's sent me to my room, and that's where I wanted to be anyway.  

Oklahoma Howdy to talitha-koum,

Welcome to the forum. I really hope that you enjoy it here.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Oklahoma Howdy to All,

I just wanted to find out if anyone enjoys Internet radio from time to time. It's completely free if you don't mind putting up with some advertising, and that includes the software.

I have about 6 really good Christian stations that I like to listen to in the background while I study the Bible. There is a huge number of Christian stations to choose from for all kinds of tastes in Christian music. I like the old-fashioned Gospel music that is rarely played on regular Christian radio stations.

Winamp appears to be one of the best players, and it's completely free. There's also a pretty good selection of really old and rare radio shows that played in the 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s. Only the older people will even know what I'm talking about (i.e. Lone Ranger, The Shadow, Jack Benny). Everyone complains about dirty programs on television, and I just wanted to let everyone know there are free and completely clean alternatives. My favorites play the old Gospel music.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Bepster..... Let me ask you a trick question?  


Has Jesus Christ ever failed?

Oklahoma Howdy to Reba,

Sister, I'll bite. Jesus Christ never has and never will fail.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Sherlock Holmes and The Camping Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent." (Groaner)  

Nobody Listens Anymore

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."  (Groaner)  

   YUK!!!
_____________________

New Recruit

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

I know that God created us, but why did he put us on earth?  And if he is all knowing, then why did he allow Adam and Eve to fall?  What is the purpose?

Oklahoma Howdy to sandyg,

Hard question - but easy answer.

It is not man's place to ever question the power, majesty, and purpose of Almighty God, the Creator of the Universe. HE knew the number of hairs on your head before the foundation of the world. All you really need to know is that HE didn't make any mistakes. Yes, HE knew that Adam and Eve would disobey HIM, and HE also knew you would ask this question "umpteen" million years ago.

Tom

Well Sower looks like the Bepster must have been a great cop on the street. What a deplomat!  

 Try as ya might Bepster  Sower and i are on opposite ends.  Not that  i am a Paul or Peter but they did not totally agree.... The gospels are not EXACTLY the same, and yet they are the Word of God...

Oklahoma Howdy to Sister Reba,

   Quite a few folks in prison don't think that I'm much of a diplomat.

   I don't get it. Both of you are saying give the Gospel to the lost, bring them to church, or otherwise point them to Christ. So, I'll be quiet and try to see the disagreement.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Sower & Sister Reba,

I really think that you both said the same thing.

Jesus Christ died on the cross for all of us. God's Love and Grace is more than sufficient for all of us. This should give every Christian a burning desire to share the GOOD NEWS of the Gospel of God's Grace.

Sister Reba, we don't need degrees in Theology and big words to tell people about Jesus. I think the point that Brother Sower was making is that we all need to be telling the lost about Jesus. In fact, there is an urgency to tell the lost about Jesus.

Love In Christ,
Tom

[The perfect righteousness of Jesus Christ,The perfect sacrifice of Jesus Christ,The forgiveness of my sins through HIS precious blood,My acceptance and salvation only through HIM.]

How about I just agree to agree Tom?    Well said and proved Brother.  I've debated many times in posting a comparative with the O.T. Law and sacrifices in relation to the N.T. Gospel, to show that there is no disagreement.  Jesus fulfilled it all!  Thanks Brother!

Oklahoma Howdy to Allinall,

Thanks brother. I give thanks that Jesus did pay it all. I submit with all thanksgiving, praise, and worship to:

The perfect righteousness of Jesus Christ,
The perfect sacrifice of Jesus Christ,
The forgiveness of my sins through HIS precious blood,
My acceptance and salvation only through HIM.

Thanks be unto God for HIS unspeakable GIFT!!, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour forever. It is with great joy that I serve a risen and living Saviour.

Love In Christ,
Tom