Finish the start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips, a quart of choclate chip Ice cream, and a chocolate cake .

I feel better already.

Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

What is the time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Feel better now

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

Dreamweaver Said:

Blackeyepeas,
I know you remember the "Hokey Pokey."  

     Yes, but mine was the Dead Sea Scrolls version. Shakespeare was a new guy who caused lots of trouble.

Its always difficult to bring sad news, but I thought you should
know:

Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world.  The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.

What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his
body in the casket.

They'd put his left leg in and... well, you know the rest.

Well I got me 2, 5 pound trout and a 3 pound trout. anyone want a fish fry? I now have about 40 pounds of trout cleaned and in the freezer. Egads, I need to start eating more fish. :eek:

The Voice of the Martyrs is the only publication I know of that tracks Christian persecution to such a great - and complete extent.

They deserve support.  

Ditto and a Big Amen for our brothers, that have left this world. To go to the loving embrace of the Lord.

Blackeyespeas, do you remember the show where; Floyd had his first customer of the day who happened to be Andy.When Floyd was done he refused to take the money from Andy.Andy said"Look Floyd I know were friends but business is business!" "I want to pay for my haircut"!
Floyd said"heres what we'll do.You open the cash regester cause I really don't know how much is in there Then match what ever is in there and then take out $20.00!Andy says ok and does that.Floyd then says "hey I kinda like this!"
So a little while later Goober walks in for a haircut and when Floyd is done he tells Goober you can have the same deal I gave Andy Match whatever is in the till and then take $20.00 nexts Howard walks in and gets told he can have have the same deal as Gober and Andy! Then in walks Barney Floyds 4th customer and Floyd says you can have the same deal I gave Howard,Gober,and Andy!Just walk over to the till and Match what was in there and then take $20.00! Barney says I can't do it ! Theres no money in the till!

Discussing politics makes many more enemies than friends.  (That is one of the truisms I've learned in my 49+ years on this earth.)

There is no such thing as a completely honest politician.  Period.

I’m not saying your idea is a bad one, Mr. Tibbs, but be prepared for things that will make the ‘Debate’ section read like minutes from a Sunday school class.

I have learned that in my 46 years.

Amen JudgeNot

Talk about fire I hate to say this but, it would have to be moved to a war forum.

You could always go the member list and look through all the members and compile that particular list!  

No thnk you............

How about dizzy

[GIRL]

Yup.  Tis true.  I've gone to the 11th seed.  Sincereheart has officially trounced me.  I've been beat.  By a GIRL[/b].

*Weeps openly*

 

 

I see that smile there Sincereheart

 

Shakespeare's Hokey Pokey

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.


Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.


The Hoke, the poke--banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.


Blackeyepeas,
I know you remember the "Hokey Pokey."

The Cat Clock
There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat
everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, "What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"

A Louisiana Ghost Story

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."